yoshiXII
Joined 18th Oct, 2012 ·
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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I haven't read the story yet, but shouldn't this be an AU?
Meh. The premise seemed to come out of left field...from a distant planet. The plot was as impenetrable and as opaque as plate armor. The technical aspects of writing were fine, but I'm not an editor.
All in all, I feel like I've read a mildly interesting story that felt too rushed.
2721664 Thanks for the feedback. I may re-edit this in the future.
2726550
'Kay, I'll make sure to read it again then. Good luck.
This story has some serious flaws but there were some things I really did enjoy about it. I like the concept that Rarity is being put in a compromising position and will do anything to save her friends. The fact that she's willing to risk everything by telling AJ seems very genuine, and it's something I could easily see. The grammar and spelling are well done also.
However, it's easy to get lost while reading this. This story has the pacing of a freight train. In one paragraph the villains explain themselves and there really seems to be no rhyme our reason for their actions. There's no explanation of why these two love each other, and they share one kiss before the plot skips again. There's no particular reason that Rarity was targeted in the first place either. The dialog is a bit stilted and the characters repeat themselves often in the same senten. Perhaps condensing this into a solid story instead of chapters would be a way to break up the feeling that this story is disconnected.
With some editing I think you have the tools to make something very good and original, I'd love to read it again after some reworking. Keep up the good work!
Whyyyyyyyy?