The Day My Life Began

by Authora97

Cats and Hats: The Princess Luna Story

I don’t own My Little Pony or Cat in the Hat. They belong to their respective owners.

“Hey...Morgue...” Darcy said.

I raised a brow at my sister. Her head was down as she trotted into my room.

I had an interesting day. Princess Celestia came to Ponyville, to make up for when the Parasprites came almost three months ago. It was a fun visit.

We had been having some fun weeks in Ponyville, since the Cockatrice. A week after, the Crusaders had a talent show.

As the Doctor once said, ‘That fire had nothing to do with me.’

Oh! Then, Rarity got abducted by Diamond Dogs. I, of course, was kidnapped hours prior. What? Rubies are hard to get!

Before you ask, no. I did not do a single thing to try and escape. I simply explaining to the Dogs that I had no such way of finding gems. Then, I waited for them to get Rarity. Once the unicorn was there, I began having fun.

No dogs were harmed, of course. I just gave them a very violent reminder that no further abductions would be tolerated.

I know. I told Killjoy and she didn’t believe me either.

Then there was the thing with Fluttershy. She was a nice model, I will admit. It was fun to see Twilight struggle with Pinkie Promises.

At some point, I remember taking pictures of multiple dresses. They might come in handy later. The same for Spike’s I Heart Rarity t-shirt.

Then, the buffalo.

I had to explain Killjoy the the buffalo were the Native Americans of Equestria. This made her laugh, not so much out of mockery but of mirth. She followed me to Appleloosa, and the two of us made friends with Little Strongheart.

Killjoy agreed to send letters, I promised to send photos of the Mane Six(plus Spike).

“Yes?” I asked, almost accusingly. She never came to talk to me, ever. Not even for...ahem...hygenic reasons.

Darcy kept her head down. “Uhh...can we...go back...to your side?”

“...Why?” She asked to do that even less.

“I wanted to do research?” Darcy lied, blatantly. She was usually very good at this. I wonder what was wrong. Did she kill something?

I motioned for her to continue. “...on?”

Darcy mumbled.

“Speak now, or forever hold your piece.” I instructed.

Darcy rolled my purple eyes. “My Little Pony.” She grumbled

I couldn’t hold back my smirk.

“Don’t you start!” Darcy ordered, shaking a hoof at me.

“My pegasus sister wants to be a pegasister.” I joked.

“Shut up!” Killjoy growled.

“Aw, come on. That was pretty funny.” I laughed.

Her pony face still looking pissed, she cracked a smile. “Yeah, it was kinda funny, Razzle Dazzle.

My smile instantly dropped. “Fine. I can take you Home to watch the two seasons and the few episodes of the third. I needed to do more research on the next season anyway. I heard on one of the forums there’s talk of bringing back one of the villains for reformation.”

I rolled her eyes, trotting towards Raspberry and holding out a hoof. “Pfft. Please. That’ll never happen.”

*FLASH*

---

“And that, Princess Lulu, is why I was late tonight.” I explained to the blue alicorn.

The Alicorn raised her brow. “I am...unsure of what you are talking about.”

I laughed. “Yeah. Now, on with the show!”

*FLASH*

---

Luna

When My eyes opened, I was not in some bleak empty whiteness. Instead, I was in some strange home.

Looking down at myself, I saw I was dressed in an orange sweater with yellow lightning streaks. Over my back hooves were dark orange legwear, I am sure I have seen minotaurs wear this things.

Then, My body was being moved.

I do not know how, but Raspberry has been able to force by body into moving against my will. It was strange, as I had not seen things like it in many centuries.

My dream vessel was dragged down the stairs.

*bark* *bark*

“Shh! Cerberus, stealth mode!” I whispered harshly. My eyes widened when they gazed upon the small form of Cerberus, the three headed dog guarding Tartarurs.

“Today’s To-Do List.” CELESTIA’s voice spoke out.

The vessel turned her head, seeing Celestia laid out on the floor. In Her golden magic was a scroll and pen. She was wearing a purple polka dot dress, with green overalls. Her long, flowing, multicolored hair was pulled up into pigtails.

“Number One: Make To-do list. Number Two: Practice Coloring. Number Three: Research Graduate Schools. Number Four: Be Spontaneous. Number Five: Create Lasting Childhood Memories.”

All the while, the vessel ran over towards the kitchen.

Internally, I shook My head. The vessel poured out two colanders, each filled with food. Then, she went on to spill over a tray filled with cookies.

The vessel was beginning to yank out the drawers, making the bizarre contents spills out in mass quantities.

The strangest part? This vessel began putting on some of the things yanked out.

When all said and done, there was a colander and teddy bear on my head, strange cakes on my ears and chin, a rug over My chest, bread on my shoulders, popcorn bags on my knees, and more bread on my elbows. Over My front hooves were oven mitts, on My rear hooves were large black monster slippers.

“Ladies and gentlecolts!” My vessel shouted, having marched up the top of a grand staircase. “Cerberus, your attention please. You are all about to witness, the third most spectacular stunt, ever performed under this roof!”

Celestia walked over to the staircase, the scroll still in her magical grasp. “Do you know how hard it is telling ponies we’re related?”

My vessel lifted up a package of bread in her magic, taking out a few slices of white bread. She then proceeded to stuff the small thin slices into the front of her trousers.

“Relax, I’ll put everything back.” The vessel told Celestia.

She grimaced.

“And now, for the indoor stair louche!” I announced, not in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“Indoor Stair Louche?” Celestia rolled her pink eyes, writing something onto the scroll. “I’ll have to add this one to my list.”

“Go have no fun somewhere else!” The vessel snapped, resting Myself into a baking pan.

I gulped once I realized what was to happen.

---

It was raining. This seemed to be another one of those places Raspberry imagined where the weather controlled itself, much like in the Everfree Forest.

Throughout the past two hours, I learned what the setting was for this place. I was Luna, eldest child of Lauren Faust. Lauren was something known as a ‘real estate agent’. Another thing I must inquire about when returning to Canterlot.

My sister, Celestia, was a control freak. My he only thing I hath seen her do was write on that silly scroll. She was also a sort of flank kisser towards Our mother, and a know-it-all.

After My Indoor Stair Louche, I ended up crashing onto Lauren’s carriage. She stormed into Our home, grounding me on the spot.

I also learnt of a large party that was to occur later this day. Lauren was having all of her important clients over, and it was all very important.

It seemed as though I was a problem child once again.

Lauren Faust was dating out next door neighbor. A yellow unicorn named Flimflam Quinn. He was something of a salesstallion.

What he wanted? To end me off to a Military Academy.

Lauren Faust was summoned back to her office, her boss being something of a perfectionist that sounded awfully a lot like Celestia’s nephew, Prince Blueblood.

A earth pony mare came to the door shortly after Lauren’s summoning. A large blue mare, with pink icing hair, a purple jumpsuit, a so called bingo cap and large oversized red glasses.

Lauren instructed the mare to watch over Celestia and Myself. As she left, My vessel yelled how she wished Lauren was not her mother. Sadly, I heard Lauren say she wished the same.

Now, Celestia and I were staring out a window, looking out bored lh as the foalsitter fell asleep on the couch.

*bump*

Celestia and I turned. Our heads looking up towards the ceiling. It was then I was made aware of some mare’s voice providing some kind of overhead effect. All in rhymes.

(AN:Read this in Zecora’s voice)

‘How that bump made that jump.’

The two of us went to the stairs, eagerly trying to find the noise.

“I think it came from the closet.” My vessel spoke.

I walked up the stairs, My eyes locked on the white wooden door. It shook as the creature behind it knocked furiously.

My mind flashed to the last time I tried to open a door hear. Could this be that same nightmare? Disguising her door, if only to avoid detection? Or was this a part of Raspberry Stardust’s game?

All I knew for sure, was that the vessel kept on marching towards it.

Opening it, I peered inside. It appeared to be like a regular closet.

Suddenly, I fell inside.

“Luna?” Celestia panicked. “Luna? Come on Luna.”

My vessel threw a monster slipper at Celestia, making the filly yelp.

The filly fell to the floor, an angry expression on her muzzle. My vessel laughed, walking out of the closet.

“You shouldn’t scare ponies.” Celestia grumbled.

My vessel chuckled. “You shoulda seen you’re face it was like you saw a-monster.”

Well, it seems I found Raspberry Stardust.

The usual pink unicorn was anything but tonight. She stood on her hindlegs, which looked more like paws. Her coat was still pink, but looked more like fur, and there were two patches of snow white. One over her chest, and one over her face.

Around her neck was a bright red bow tie. On her head was (you guessed correctly) a top hat. This one appeared to be snow white with red stripes.

“A monster?” Raspberry cheered. “Where?!”

Celestia and I screamed.

The two of Us ran past Raspberry, heading down the stairs. We ended up in a closet.

It was very dark, and We were pressed together in this small space.

“What was that?” I asked Celestia.

“I don’t know. It looked like a giant cat.” Celestia said.

A light suddenly filled the tiny space. We looked back to see Raspberry Stardust sitting behind the clothing.

“I prefer the term ‘big boned’ or ‘jolly’.” She smiled. A glad smile on her feline face. “Not what are we hiding from?”

My sister and I screamed again. The door to the closet opened, and We ran out.

We ran up to Lauren’s room. Her bed was about five inches off the ground, so We hid underneath.

The two of Us panted.

“That was a giant cat.” Celestia panted. Her pink eyes bulging.

“A giant cat?” My vessel compelled Me to say. “But that’s impossible!”

“It is impossible!” A third feminine voice cheered.

My vessel turned My head. Raspberry Stardust was under the bed, her body was too long so her head stuck out from the bed.

Her smile kept on. “You know, I like this hiding place a lot better. They’ll never find us in here.”

Her smile turned. An almost defeated look was on her face. She nodded her head. “Scream and run.”

We did as said. The two of Us climbed back towards the door, screaming. It was a wonder to Myself how Mrs. Cake downstairs did not hear the screams.

Once I was removed the underneath the bed, I saw Raspberry Stardust began kicking wildly. It was as if she were trapped under the bed.

“Who are you?” Celestia asked.

“Who?”

Suddenly, Raspberry vanished from under the bed. I gasped, as did Celestia. We turned around to see the pink bipedal cat behind us.

“Me?” Raspberry asked. She grinned, almost smugly. “Why, I’m the Cat in the Hat! There’s no doubt about that! I’m a super spectacular feline, who’s here to make sure your-” She stopped, her face contorted in confusion.

“Crabapples. I always forget this part.” She grumbled. “I’m a pink cat walking on two legs and can talk, that should be enough for you Princesses!” Raspberry then opened the bedroom door, storming out.

My eyes widened. That was one of the few times Raspberry had addressed Us as Princesses during her Dreams.

I followed after her, Celestia was steps behind Me.

I felt the compulsion. “Where did you come from?” I asked.

The cat turned around. A worried look on her face.

“Hmm.” She began. “How do I put this?” Even in dreams, I could see the delight in her eyes. Her voice became higher in pitch. “When a daddy cat, and a mommy cat, love each very much, they decide to-”

“No!” I yelled. “Where did you come from?”

Raspberry scoffed. “My place. Where else?” She waved her paws. “Look, I’ve been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink! Harrumph!”

This seemed to startle Celestia. “Oh! Sorry Miss Cat-”

“Call me Raspberry Cat, Tia.”

My sister nodded. “Raspberry Cat, would you like some...milk?”

Her face contorted in disgust. “Ugh. That is just so stereotypical! What, you think that just because I’m a cat I want some milk? How rude!” She said, tilting her nose up. “And, no. I’m lactose intolerant.”

Celestia nodded. I tried to hold back a grin. A cat that cannot drink milk? Only in the dreams of Raspberry Stardust.

“How did you get here?” The vessel asked.

“I drove.” Raspberry Cat said with an eye roll.

She raised her right foot, slamming it onto a small table next to the closet where I scared Celestia. A slab flew up into the air, flipping in the air until it landed perfectly onto the area just before the first step.

Raspberry Cat grinned, leaping onto the slab.

“Catabunga!” She hollered, pushing down on the slab.

My mind flashed to the Indoor Stair Louche, and how lovely that turned out.

“No wait!” I yelled.

The dreamer fell from the stair, sliding down like it was nothing more than walking.

When Raspberry reached the bottom, she slammed her foot on the edge. It kept flipping over and over, until finally resting back where it had originally been.

“Cool trick, huh?” Raspberry Cat asked from downstairs. “So, nice spread you got here.”

My sister and I ran down the stairs, chasing after the large pink cat. The cat was suddenly standing before a picture of Lauren.

“Homina-homina-homina-homina!” She gaped, lifting the picture up to her level. “Who is this?” She pulled the picture down, seemingly revealing something only herself. Her top hat extended, the tip nearly touched the ceiling. “Ohh!”

“That’s my mom.” The vessel compelled.

Raspberry Cat closed the photo, still keeping it in her paws. “Awkward, yeah.” She turned her back to Us, seemingly slipping the photo away underneath her bowtie. “Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah.”

She gave Me a peculiar smile, gesturing to a nearby window. “Although those drapes are a train wreck.” Raspberry Cat said in a high pitched tone. She walked over to Our couch, where Mrs. Cake slept. Celestia and I followed her. She sat on top of the foalsitter. “And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on.”

She began jumping, as if to remove the lumps. Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable mare?!”

“Get off her.” I requested. “That’s our babysitter.”

Raspberry Cat stopped bouncing, immediately getting up from the mare. She looked down with shock, pulling out what I believe Celestia called a cloth hanger from behind her back. “What the... Babysitter? You don’t need one of those, do ya?”

She put the cloth hanger inside Mrs. Cake’s jumpsuit, lifting her off tha couch as if she were just another pillow. She began carrying her over to the closet where Celestia and I had previously hid. All the while, the blue earth pony mare was sound asleep.

“Let me get this straight. You pay this mare...to sit on babies? That’s disgusting!” Raspberry Cat guffawed, hanging the mare inside the closet. She closed the door with her tail, turning back to the two of Us. “I’d do it for nothing!”

Celestia giggled. My vessel gave a delightful smirk.

“Now, let’s see what the old ‘phunometer’ has to say.” Raspberry Cat said, pulling out one of the strangest contraptions I have ever seen.

It was mostly red, and resembled a thermometer. A stethoscope appeared around Raspberry’s neck, the tips in her cat ears. There was a strange cut of plunger placed at the end of the contraption, which she held out towards Celestia and I, constantly moving between the two of us.

“‘Phunometer’?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah.” Raspberry nodded, moving the machine towards Celestia. “It measures how fun you are.”

The plunger gripped onto Celestia’s head, just below her horn.

Raspberry gripped a ball in her paw. The kind used for checking blood pressure. She gripped it tightly. Soon enough, a ding came from the ‘phunometer’.

“Ah. Control freak. Yeah.” She said, looking down at a large dial. Then, the cat pointed it at me. “Now you.”

There was a ding, and Raspberry smiled. “Ah. You’re lonely.”

Then, a whimpering sound came from the machine.

“Oh.” Raspberry Cat said, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks. “Umm...”

She showed the dial to me, and my eyes widened.

It had four setting in clockwise. The top was Normal. The next was Control Freak. Then there was Homicidal Maniac, which the arrow was pointing right at. The last was Lonely.

“Tap it.” I said, staring at the dial.

Raspberry Cat leaned closely, her voice in a whisper. “Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain’t gonna change.” She gave me a sad look. “Unless you want it to change.”

The machine vanished, and Raspberry was grinning widely. “Just as I suspected. You guys are both out of whack.” She pointed at Celestia, her claw was seemingly sharp. “You’re a control freak.” She turned to me. “And you’re a rule-breaker. That’ll be $700. Who’s your insurance carrier?”

“So, what do we do?” My Vessel asked.

Raspberry Cat shrugged. “Well, there are two treatments I’d recommend.” She pulled out a syringe from behind her back. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap.” The syringe vanished, her paws stretched out into a theatrical pose. “And the other...involves a musical number! Me-Me-Me-Meow!”

“How many shots?” Celestia deadpanned.

“‘How many shots?’” Raspberry wheezed. “Aren’t you precious?”

She turned her back, her cat tail pushing Celestia back onto the couch.

Raspberry Cat went over to the window, and I saw it was still pouring rain. Music began to fill the house, coming from an indescribable source. “I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny.”

To prove her point, there was a crackle of thunder.

“But we can have lots of good fun that is funny!”

Celestia and I groaned at her horrible rhyme.

“It’s fun to have fun, but you got to know how!”

She coughed, a hairball flying out of her mouth and onto a bust. “Hair ball.” She excused.

Raspberry coughed, and continued singing. “I know lots of good tricks and I’ll-”

“Stop this right now!” A new voice shouted.

My eyes widened, and I could not hold back my delight. Raspberry always ended up using My Sister’s student.

We all turned, seeing a small fish bowl. I had noticed it earlier, but paid it no mind. Now, I see I should have.

Inside was a small fish. It was light purple, with midnight blue fins. I would have thought it as Lilac, if not for the large purple eyes, and purple and pink streak in the head fin. The fish was glaring at Raspberry Cat.

“Remember? The fish?” Twilight Fish said. “Came home in a Baggie, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!”

“The fish is talking!” Celestia pointed out.

“Well, sure, she can talk.” Raspberry Cat said, rolling her amber eyes. “But is she saying anything? No, not really. No.”

Twilight Fish did not look very happy. “Hey, can it!” The fish turned towards Celestia and Myself. “This cat should not be here. She should not be about. She should not be here when your mother is out!”

Raspberry Cat scoffed. “Come on, kids! You gonna listen to her? She drinks where she pees!”

The conversation cut off, and suddenly We were standing before the stairs. Raspberry Cat was dressed in a...colorful...fruitful...dress.

I believe this was the musical number she spoke off.

---

A considerable amount of time had passed since Raspberry Cat’s number. Once it had ended, Raspberry Cat made Celestia and I sign a contract. Nothing bad would happen, so long as We signed.

We had already bounced on the couches Lauren forbade Us to touch. Mr. Flimflam came by, stealing some food from our fridge before returning to his own abode. He was truly despicable.

It was then that I discovered Mr. Flimflam was allergic to cats, as was shown by Raspberry’s shedding coat.

Then, Celestia suggested We make cupcakes. Now We are sitting in an audience, with Raspberry Cat.

There was another in the kitchen. Her mane was coiffed, and blonde. She wore librarian glasses. Instead of the red bowtie, there was a colorful sweater. She smiled at the three of us, clapping her paws together.

“Live from the kitchen,” Came another voice, who I could not see. “The following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.”

The Raspberry Cat on stage clapped again. “Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. I’m your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions.”

Raspberry Cat next to Me laughed.

“Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome-”

Another Raspberry Cat came out. She wore a large chef’s hat, along with an apron.

“Me! Hello!” Chef Raspberry began laughing.

“Now-” Host Raspberry began.

“Hello! I’m so excited!” Chef Raspberry interrupted. “Do you love making cupcakes, but hate all the hard cupcake work?”

“I know I do!” Host Raspberry grinned.

“Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes...and say hello...to the amazing Kupkake-inator.” Chef Raspberry said, pulling onto a small contraption. “I’m so excited!”

“Cupcake-a-what?” Host Raspberry asked.

“Kupkake-inator!” Chef Raspberry, Celestia, and Raspberry Cat yelled.

“Oh, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes...out of anything that you have in the kitchen.” Chef Raspberry explained.

“Wait a minute. Did you say ‘anything’?” Host asked.

“Anything.” Chef Raspberry answered.

“Anything?” Host repeated.

“Yes, anything.” Chef asked. Her tone sounding like she was losing patience with Host.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Anything?”

“I’ll get you, and it’ll look like a bloody accident.” Chef warned, pointing a claw at Host. “Now, take off the lid. You can put in, I don’t know, a carton of eggs. What? How about a pack of hay burgers?” The whole time, Chef is placing the foods into the Kupkake-inator.

“That’s incredible!” Host cheered.

“Why not some ketchup?” Chef said.

Celestia and Raspberry Cat were laughing hysterically.

“Yeah, why not?” Host shrugged.

“How about... I know what you’re thinkin’. Even a fire extinguisher.”

Host Raspberry Cat tilted her head.

“There we go. Now, close the lid and Bob’s your flippin’ uncle!” Chef cheered.

“What an astounding product!” Host said, chuckling.

“Open the drawer, fill the patented Kupkake-inator tray, close the drawer, Then place it in a conventional oven.”

Chef picked the Kupkake-inator up, placing it in the large green oven.

I tilted My head. Must all of Your inventions, Raspberry Stardust, be called inator?

“Only the ones that are funny.” Raspberry Cat whispered.

My eyes widened. My head turned to see the pink bipedal cat grinning at me.

“Sorry. But, you can’t really have private thoughts in my dreams.” Raspberry grinned. “While we wait for the oven to preheat, how about you and I have a chat?”

“What are you-”

“I wanted to get you know you.” Raspberry smiled. “And, I couldn’t find a good enough story line. This was the best one I could find.”

Was she...apologizing, for her own dream?

“Yes.” Raspberry said.

I raised My brow. ‘Will you stop reading Our thoughts?’

The cat shrunk back, a hurt look in her eyes. “Sorry. I just...haven’t really had a friend outside of Killjoy before. I’m not sure how all of this stuff works.”

I was slightly surprised, but kept My face stoick. “How what works?”

“Having friends.” Raspberry answered. She shook her head. “No, no, no. This dream was about getting to know you.” She said, almost to herself. “So, Princess Luna, tell me about yourself.” She asked. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

“You have no friends?” I asked. “Why is that?”

Raspberry rolled her amber eyes. “Because I push them away because it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. For a long time, I was perfectly fine being alone. Then KJ and I got together and it was hard to get rid of her. When I came to Ponyville, I had a sudden urge to impress the ponies, be their friends. I almost wore myself out. I’ve been trying really hard to impress you too, and I think it’s going well, because you and I both know that you could’ve gotten everything you needed weeks ago, yet you keep coming back.”

I kept My composure, but she had a point.

Raspberry kept on. “Even before I knew about you, you were always my favorite Princess. I loved the night, for as long as I could remember. Night was the only time I wasn’t around ponies, the only time I could really be myself. It was exhausting trying to make friends when everypony hates you, and the rest are too busy to hang around you.” Her eyes widened. “Damn. You are a good psychologist.

“Now, I have some questions for you. By the way, you can’t lie or hide in the Dreams of Raspberry.” She warned.

My eyes widened.

Who knows what Raspberry could ask. She could ask about various problems within Canterlot Security. She could ask about how to get into the Canterlot Gardens, where Discord’s statue is lying around in wait. She could ask about past failures in Celestia and Mine’s past.

“What’s your favorite color?” Raspberry asked.

“...pardon?”

“What’s your favorite color?” The cat repeated.

“Green.” I answered before I could halt myself.

Raspberry smiled. “Favorite season?”

“Autumn.” Why wasn’t she asking questions Our enemies would?

“Have you read any good books since Returning?”

“I have only read books pertaining to the history of Equestria in the past thousand years.” I answered again.

Raspberry smiled. “Chocolate, or vanilla?”

“Chocolate.”

“When is your birthday?”

“October 31st is the day of My birth.”

Raspberry smiled. “Wow. Now that holiday makes so much sense.”

“Holiday?” I asked.

“Nightmare Night.” Raspberry Stardust explained. “It’s actually really fun. It’s my favorite holiday. You get free candy, get to dress up, and you can to scare ponies without getting arrested!” Raspberry smiled, giddily. “It’s KJ and I’s favorite holiday. It has been for as long as I can remember.”

“Truly?” I asked.

Raspberry nodded. “Oh, most definitely.” She cleared her throat. “Water or tea?

“Water. My sister prefers tea though.”

Raspberry chuckled. “Trust me, I know. Smart ponies tend to like tea. I know of a guy, all he does is drink tea! Seriously. His favorite is ginseng, which I plan on giving to him as a peace offering.” She tapped her chin with her paw. “Or, should I- nah. Then I would have to learn how to play.”

I tilted My head. “You are a very curious mare, Raspberry.”

Raspberry smiled. “Well, you know what they say. Curiosity killed the cat.”

I smiled. “Aren’t you a cat in this dream?”

Her eyes shrunk to pinpricks. “Butterscotch. I should really learn those sayings.”

“How were you supposed to know cats always land on their feet?” I joked, letting out a small chuckle.

“Did my ears deceive me, or did the Great Princess Luna actually laugh?”

I smiled. Then, I tilted my head. “Most of Celestia’s ponies are terrified of me. I have tried protecting the dreams of many, yet they end up more terrified when I leave then when I have arrived!”

Raspberry nodded. “Preaching to the choir, Lune.”

“Lune?”

“Well, you didn’t like Lulu.” Raspberry shrugged. “What were you saying, about ponies being scared?”

I nodded, suddenly finding Myself continuing. “When We first arrived at your residence, you treated Me as if I was your friend who had simply come back from vacation.”

“You did, technically.” Raspberry commented.

I did not respond to her comment. “You treated Celestia and I not like Princesses, but as actual ponies. A select few have done so-”

“And you ended up kicking their asses?” Raspberry commented, chuckling.

Again, I ignored her comment. “So, why have you been treating Us as such?”

“Because, back when I was a kid, I was with ponies who showed me not to look at the Title, but the pony underneath it. Profilers, they were called. I kinda took a lot of their lessons to heart.” Raspberry explained, almost nervously. “And when I see you, Luna, I don’t see a monster who had to be locked on the moon for a thousand years, I see a mare who just wants to be asked one very important question.”

Raspberry held out a pink claw. “Hi. My name is Raspberry Stardust. Will you be my friend?”

“It would be an honor.”

“I know, right?” Raspberry grinned, chuckling.

My head turned over, seeing Chef Raspberry Cat and Host Raspberry Cat standing in front of the oven. “How long does this take?”

“Oh!” Raspberry said. “I forgot to un-pause!”

*PLAY*

“Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away!” Chef Raspberry Cat cheered.

“Did you just say ‘minutes away’?” Host asked. “That’s impossible!”

“You’re not just wrong, you’re stupid.” Chef insulted.

“Now, wait just a minute...” Host attempted to re-control the show.

“And you’re ugly, just like your mum.” Chef insulted.

Raspberry Cat, Celestia, and I ooh’d.

“Did you just call my mother ugly?” Host asked, sounding uppity.

“This is my favorite part.” Raspberry whispered to me.

“Shut up! I mean it! I will end you!” Chef yelled, pulling out a large butcher knife.

She slammed it down onto the table, where her tail just so happened to be.

The three of us ooh’d.

“Um, Raspberry Cat?” Celestia asked. “Your tail.” She said, pointing a hoof at it.

“What about it?” Chef asked, looking down at the knife. “Oh, I see! I’ve chopped it off.” She gripped the two parts of the tail, lifting them up. “That’s interesting, because...”

Her amber eyes sharpened.

“Son of a bi-”

BEEP

---

Celestia and I held each others hooves, waiting for Lauren to walk through the front door.

The house was a wreck. The insulation had completely fallen out, leaving purple fuzz over everything. Purple splotches of cake mix covered the walls, furniture, and drapes. Broken pieces of glass were everywhere. The living room was a disaster area, as it

was the epicenter of the tornado. Mrs. Cake was somewhere in this mess.

The stairs were destroyed. I had a bad feeling the upstairs was even worse than the downstairs. Lauren’s dress was covered in cake batter, and no doubt some of the debris.

We had broken Raspberry Cat’s contract. My vessel had taken the lock off of a crate, letting her world merge into our’s. It was the reason Our house was wrecked. It was the reason Mr. FlimFlam was stars know where.

Somewhere, I heard the dog barking. We had to chase that dog across the neighborhood. This lead to some funny moments from Raspberry Stardust. The contraption called SLOW, previously Systematic Hydraulic Instianius Transporter. Then the birthday party of Apple Bloom.

Raspberry Stardust seemed all too eager to become the pinata, until a pink filly came up holding a wooden bat.

Then, once We all made it back to the house, we found it to be a chaotic mess. My mind went back to the Realm of Discord, all those years he was in charge and causing panic.

When the crate was closed, Celestia and I cast Raspberry Cat out. According the script My vessel was using, I was hopeful that the chaos in this dream would not destroy My new friendship.

The doorknob began to shake, and I prepared Myself for the verbal lashing Celestia and I were to receive when Lauren trotted in.

The door slammed open, and I was surprised yet again.

Raspberry Cat was there, on another strange machine. It resembled a tractor. More music began to play.

The pink cat drove the machine into the house, bringing Killjoy 1 and Killjoy 2. Two strange creatures who wore purple hoofie pajamas, had silver perms, and blood red skin. They always did the exact opposite of what they were told. They were driving two more of those tractors that Raspberry Cat had.

“Bet you thought I’d gone.” Raspberry Cat sang. “Bet you felt a sting. Bet you never thought I’d have another song to sing!” The machine drove her around the bottom floor of the house, until finally stopping before the door.

I smiled.

“But now that you’ve learned your lesson, allow me to blow your mind by reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed!” She finished, bringing out the very large contract.

She flipped it towards the middle.

“Okay, section eight, article 93, subparagraph 834.” She pointed at the aforementioned article. “Right by the sasa stain.”

Sure enough, a small amount of red liquid was put onto the contract.

“It reads,

If Luna, a.k.a. Lulu-kazoo, should open the crate...and we know he will... the contract shall be null and void.

” Her voice lowered in disappointment.

Our heads lowered.

“

However!”

Raspberry Cat cheered.

“If Celestia and Luna should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated.

I think you two have satisfied the legal burden of learning.”

“Yeah!” Celestia and I yelled.

Raspberry Cat clapped her paws together, looking proud. “So there’s just one last game to play. It’s called ‘Clean Up The House.’”

She patted the machine. “Fillies, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.”

“D-l-R-T?” Celestia and I spelt.

“That’s right!” Raspberry Cat laughed. “Now, let’s the clean the house with dirt!”

Only in the dreams of Raspberry Stardust.

The cat leaned over towards me. “And trust me, Lune, I have an even better idea for next week! How do you feel about vikings and dragons?”

Author's Note:

Anypony who can guess where I got the title from, gets a spoiler as to what happened to turn Morgan into a human. You get one more clue: The Alliance. PM me your guess!
This is a gift. Happy Rosh Hashanah!

Comments

[tsaukpaetra]

Yeah sorry, we don't know enough pop culture to hazard a guess.
I wonder what Killjoy wants with Fim research?
Twilight could make a pretty good Fish.
Keep going! ;)

[uis]

She could ask about how to get into the Canterlot Gardens, where Discord’s statue is lying around in wait.

Pffft, easy. Just walk there.