Lunch
It was high noon in Ponyville and six mares sat chatting outside a restaurant. Well five mares and a foal in a pink mare's body who was currently bouncing around.
“Oh come on! It was funny and you know it!” Rainbow exclaimed.
“Maybe the first time but, studies show that jokes and pranks become less funny the more often their done and I would readily agree with that. The invisible ink joke has gotten old Rainbow. Now it’s only messing with my studies.” Twilight explained, exasperated.
“I must agree Rainbow, dear. Hiding my needles in the fridge is funny only so many times.” Rarity said, nodding her head in agreement.
“Psh! Whatever. I’ll think of new pranks that’ll leave you both in stitches.” Rainbow declared with a smug look on her face.
“That sounds quite painful. Why would you want to do something that causes us to need stitches?” Twilight inquired, causing face hooves from Rainbow Dash.
“Figure a’ speech, sugarcube.” Applejack stated simply.
“Oh.” Was all Twilight said, her faced glowed red in embarrassment as she tried to hide herself. ’Does Pinkie have any sort of holes hidden around I wonder. I feel like this could be considered a hole emergency.’ She thought before Rarity graciously brought up a subject change.
So Fluttershy, I’ve noticed you and Big Macintosh have been spending a lot of time together. She mentioned, causing Fluttershy to go red and Applejack to groan.
“C’mon Rare. Ah’d rather not hear about who my brother’s been courtin’. No offense Fluttershy” Applejack explained causing Fluttershy to go an even deeper shade of red and give a small squeak in response.
“Oh, fine. Spoilsport.” Rarity then turned her head to Twilight. “So how about yourself Twilight? Have you come across any Stallions that have caught your attention?”
Without a moment's hesitation Twilight responded. “Nope.”
Rarity was slightly taken aback by how quickly her friend had answered but pressed on. “Okay. Well what do you look for in a stallion? I may know some ponies that you might get along with quite well.”
Twilight gave a sigh. She watched as she stirred her drink. “I don’t understand why it’s always stallions. I’ve never seen anything like that about them. They’re all so rough and just, I dunno.” Shrugging her shoulders, she took a sip.
Rarity blinked as a comprehension came across her mind. “So would you say you have no interest in stallions then?” When she got a nod of agreement, she continued. “So would you rather something soft? Elegant?” Another nod. “Maybe a mare?” With a final nod, Twilight froze up a little.
The silence between all the mares was palpable. Causing twilight to start to feel very uncomfortable. Shifting in her seat, she didn't dare too look up. 'Why is everypony so quiet? Was it something I said? Is it because I'm homosexual? Because I’m gay?' Her eyes got wide at the thought. 'Is there some sort of stigma about being gay? That must be why the princess said not to mention it around Canterlot when I explained to her my confusion about not liking colts like the other fillies.' Her ears had long since found comfort being down close to her head.
'Are they angry? Disgusted? Disappointed?' Her breath started coming in short, ragged bursts. 'What if they don't want to be my friends anymore? I don't want to be alone again.' Twilight was at this point fighting back tears, her face hidden by the shadows cast by her mane as memories of the many moments of solitude from her past came to the front of her mind. She may have liked the solitude in the past but now she could only shudder at the thought of having no pony around her at all. 'What about spike? I never thought about mentioning it to him. Would if think the same? Would he leave me?'
'My parents! Oh Celestia, my parents. They always talked about finding some nice colt. What would they think? Would they disown me? Please, no. I don't want to be alone.' Twilight's entire body went tense and her heart felt as though it had stopped as Applejack spoke, finally breaking the silence.
"Aw, shoot."
Before Twilight could fall deeper into despair Rainbow Dash spoke in an excited voice, utterly confusing her. "Aw, yeah! Pay up fillies!" Twilight finally took a chance and looked up. What she found was not angry, disgust filled faces but, slightly-annoyed yet still smiling friends putting seemingly random amounts of bits on the table near Rainbow Dash. "Heh heh. Aw yeah. Never bet your cash against the Dash." Rainbow Dash announced as she took the bits and gave half to Fluttershy.
This action prompted Rarity to to raise both a brow and a question. "I thought that you were leaning the same as I was in this, darling?"
Fluttershy looked away, trying to hide herself, as she always tended to do when attention was called to her. "Oh, um. Well. Over the years I’ve learned to trust Dash on these kinds of things." She said, getting quieter as she went on.
At that moment, Rainbow Dash spoke up again. "Hey Rares, you only paid half!" she shouted.
Rarity merely nodded her head. "Of course dear. That was the deal was it not?"
Rainbow stuck her tongue out in thought for a moment. "Oh yeah. Huh. Whatever. Still got my bits." Finally Twilight could take no more confusion.
"Okay. What the hay is going on here? I say I’m gay then all of a sudden there's bits getting passed around like it was some sort of-" Twilight's' eyes widened. "Did you all bet on my orientation?" Twilight asked, not truly angry, they hadn’t yelled at her or left and that was a good thing, making her more surprised and slightly annoyed than anything.
Rarity was the first to speak. "Oh! We are so sorry darling. You must be ever so confused. I'm sure Rainbow Dash can clear it up for you. After all, it was her idea.” Rarity offered pointing her hoof towards Rainbow Dash.
Rubbing the back of her head with a hoof Rainbow gave a nervous chuckle. “Heh. Yeah. I kinda thought you mighta been gay and I was talking to the girls about it. I was so sure about it that I made the bet with them. I was right though! I made a bundle thanks to this, even if Rarity copped out a bit.” Rainbow shrunk a little bit under Twilight’s gaze, though it was at that point that she noticed how red her friends’ eyes were. While for Rainbow, her friends’ orientation was something she had felt sure about knowing for a while.
For Twilight however, she had just come out to all of her friends. Rainbow’s eyes widened a little bit at the thought of how she must have felt during the silence after she admitted it.
Rainbow grabbed Pinkie from her hopping and whispered into her ear. No pony at the table could hear what she said but with how large the party loving pony smiled, they could only guess what she had been told.
After a moment or two, she came back with a large cake featuring an image of the six of them hugging Twilight and underneath it said in purple lettering, “Congratulations on coming out of the closet!”
Twilight stared at the cake for a moment or two. The other mares at the table looked at it for a moment, then at Twilight’s eyes and came to the same conclusion that Rainbow had earlier.
As Twilight looked up from the cake, all she saw were the loving smiles of her friends. A few happy tears came from her eyes as she realized how silly she had been. ‘Everything is going to be just fine.’ She thought, as she quickly wiped them away and Rainbow came over to her side.
“Hey. How bout this? In celebration, me and Rares will take you to the bar downtown. Ya know, Filly Foolery. I’ll even use some of the bit I just won. How’s that sound?”
Twilight was surprised, not expecting an offer to go to a bar. “Well, that sounds- Wait. You and Rarity are-?” Twilight trailed off, not wanting to offend.
Rainbow just laughed. “How do you think I could tell you were so easily?”
Twilight turned her head towards Rarity, her question not needing repeating. “Darling, I can see beauty in everything. Gender has no hold on beauty. Both inside and out, there is-“
Rarity was cut off by Rainbow, causing her to huff as ladylike as she could manage.“Yeah, yeah. She’s bi, I’m gay. Now that that’s all cleared up how about it? Sound like good idea?”
“Well…I’ve never been to a bar and I don’t think-“
Rainbow, continuing her habit of cutting ponies off did so yet again as she whispered into Twilights ear so only she could hear.“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Cheerilee there.”
Twilight’s face went scarlet. Coughing a couple times to calm her blood vessels down she spoke. “Well I suppose, I haven’t taken a chance to explore my sexuality before so this is probably a good opportunity.” As she answered Rainbow did a hoof pump for a new possible bar buddy that would actually buy something other than prissy drinks. Twilight thought for a moment or two about something that seemed amiss.
“Wait. Does Pinkie have a pinkie sense for sexuality? Is that why she didn’t bet?” The moment Twilight had finished voicing her question the very pony she was talking about popped up right next to her.
“Nopers! I do have one for when one of my friends might have a crush on somepony though. And, I always got it when you were around Chee-“ This time it was Twilight doing the interrupting by way of a hoof to Pinkies mouth.
“Right, then! So Fluttershy, have any new animals come by?”
Fluttershy’s face lit up in excitement. “Oh yes! Just the other day...“
And so the six friends sat and talked the day away. Their friendships nothing but stronger.
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This was nice
Reminded me of when my friend dave came out and got socked In the face
A cute little story. And honestly, there's never enough Cheerilight in the world. You may want to go through it again and edit it, though. There's a few grammatical errors and that one big paragraph could stand to be broken in half.
2709448
I broke up the paragraph and fixed the italics on it too. also which grammatical errors do ya speak of? Me and proper grammar don't get along too well, so I probably won't notice them.
Also yes. The world needs more Cheerilight
I must say, this was actually pretty surprising. Not in the story progression sense, as most of these stories can only end in a few ways, especially if they are one shots, but I liked the way it was handled and the characters were written very much in character, which is always a plus in my book. However, there were some minor things I noticed that you may wanna go back and fix. (although writing it on a flip phone makes some things a little more excusable, imo)
This is more of a personal thing that I do, but whenever somepony says "Dash" instead of RD, I tend to capitalize the D regardless, just to let the reader know for sure you're referencing the character and not the action of dashing and whatnot.
This end of this sentence seems kinda unnecessary, in my opinion. Do we need to know that Pinkie, as childish as she is, is bouncing on a balloon? A new balloon, specifically?
You could easily change it to something like that IF you wanted to take out the balloon thing. But that's just me. That's how I would do it, but, obviously, I am not you, so it's up to you, my friend.
I've never given an in-depth grammar/spelling check before, so I am unsure if you'd want me to continue and look for any other errors and such just in case there were any you may have missed, or to help you make the fic that much better. I'd be more than happy to, but even I may make some mistakes.
Regardless, this was an enjoyable read, one that made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion. For a 2,000 word or so fic, that's an A in my book. Plus, who doesn't love Cheerilight!? Actually, that concept is pretty interesting. I could see you writing something like that after this one, as a separate but connected sequel perhaps? *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
This fic has given you another fan, a thumbs up, and a fave. Good day to you. Also, another thing: In one of my fics, I'm on a chapter with Rarity in it, and I'm having trouble writing her and think I'm making mistakes. (Note: That chapter isn't published yet, obviously) Plus, I'm unsure if my character interaction is any good in general. If you could, could you check it out on my page? "What We Haven't Had". Or, just any tips for writing Rarity at all would also suffice.
Anywhosit, thanks for the great story!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Well, since you asked so nicely, and it is a rather short story, I don't see why not.
Mare's. Forgot the apostrophe.
Stitches.
I don't usually harp on dangling participles unless they sound really off, but considering this is Twilight we're talking about, changing this wouldn't hurt. Something like, "I need a hole in which to hide" or something. Even going so far as to change it completely to "Where's the nearest convenient hole? That was embarrassing." However, seeing as it sounds right, it could go unchecked and be just fine.
Offense.
Moment's. You're trying to show possession with that word here.
Got an extra space in between paragraphs here.
Her needs to be capitalized.
And here.
And here as well.
Capitalize Twilight, too.
Twilight needs to be capitalized. You need a comma between angry and disgust, as well as a hyphen between disgust and filled. Also, a comma is needed after faces, not after the first but. A hyphen is needed between slightly and annoyed, and follow it up with a comma, and change the second but to yet. Too many buts that close together makes it sound off. Finally, capitalize Rainbow Dash.
Capitalize Dash.
Capitalize Dash
Capitalize finally and Twilight. Also, this sentence would probably go better with the paragraph following it.
Extra space between her and more.
Too many ever's too close together. Consider dropping one of them.
Might want to consider breaking this into two sentences, starting with for.
Who is smiling here? With the sentence structure, it sounds like Dash is grinning, while the sentence that follows makes it sound like Pinkie was the one. Also, no character was named in the following paragraph so it's a little ambiguous who was doing what.
Awkward wording here. I know what you're trying to convey, but it doesn't roll off the tongue. Try changing "A small amount" to "A few".
Forgot to italicize here. Also, when a thought or dialogue is finished, but an indicator of who is speaking follows, a comma is needed at the end of the thought or dialogue.
If filly fooler is ponyspeak for lesbian, you don't need to add the "ery" at the end. translated into English it would be "lesbianery".
Need a space here. In fact, considering it's referring to an action taken by another character, it really belongs in the paragraph that follows.
Again, this sentence would work better in the paragraph that follows it.
May want to replace that hyphen with an ellipses. It's better for indicating that a conversation has trailed off, whereas a hyphen is better for interruptions.
I hope you find this helpful rather than bothersome. It was a sweet story, and I'd like to see you make a sequel with Twilight and Cheerilee getting together. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
Ah nothing like friends betting on something personal to make the friendship stronger.
Rainbow is like "Damn I was going to go to a Wonderbolts show, too..."
2709997 Actually, "offence" is correct. "Offense" is the American spelling, while "offence" is how the rest of the English-speaking world spells it.
2709921>>2709997
Fixed and dealt with.
Also Filly Foolery was my idea for the bar name. I've changed that up to be easier to understand.
Oh yeah. and Ghost. I might take a look at it....When I wake up. Just got home from the night shift.
2710753
Well, considering how the rest of the story was written in Americanized English and not the Queen's English, I think my correction will stand.
2711786
Oh, okay. I kinda thought it might be the bar's name, but wasn't sure. Also, you're welcome.
2712405 Just making sure you knew. Consistency is important. This time, though, I happened to not be paying attention to it. If that's the case, I stand by your correction as well. American English seems to be getting increasingly rare on the internet these days, so I might as well help out what little of it I do find.
Bravo for writing on a fliphone! Very cute and sweet.