Hail, hell, and a mercenary

by bjornicorn

Feeding Gilda/ A long awaited reunion

"Hey! Gilda! I got your Grub!" Said Cyndir as he handed Gilda a roasted pheasant, they both ate eagerly

"Holy crap! I never ate anything this good!" Exclaimed an awestruck Gilda

"Hey, it's not that good... I just rushed through and didn't even season it, don' be such a softy"said Cyndir

"Hey! it's been an hour! Time to meet my friends!" said pinkie as she suddenly came from nowhere

"OH MY SWEET CELESTIA ARE YOU EATING MEAT!?" cried a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane 'Hmm... must be Rainbow Dash' thought Cyndir

"Of course we are, She's a carnivore and I'm an omnivore, we are supposed to eat meat!"

"What in the name of Daring Do's wings are you even supposed to be? Some sort of mutant monkey?" asked RD

"I am your protector and that is all you need to know, colors!" Retorted an offended Cyndir

"Protector?" asked all ponies present, excluding a speechless and Irate RD "Yes, I was hired by the Royal Sisters to look after and protect you six from anyone who may want to hurt you for the foreseeable future" Said a calmed down Cyndir "Including an ancient demon of unimaginable power, so, you're welcome!"

"WHAAAT!?"

"*Ahem!*

Comments

[bjornicorn]

2672495 GILDA RULES!

[bjornicorn]

I will be doing a mass edit soon... so lay off haters, and love you likers

[bjornicorn]

2674580 How is he a gary stu? I tried to give him weaknesses (look at the blog entry my oc 5) and he is immature and short tempered, so what do I need to fix?

[Lord Sunder]

Dude. Pacing. Seriously, you've released four chapters, the sum total of which amounts to roughly half a chapter of a decent story. I checked out chapter four and it's maybe 60-70% dialogue, and under 300 words long. It's basically a snippet of people yelling at each other. No. It's so rushed, we can't find the story at all immersive. It's boring, and lacks decent description. That's probably why your story's so short, actually. Nothing is described adequately, such that the reader can't picture the scenes, or the setting.

I think the reason why he's being referred to as a Gary Stu here is because he doesn't fit the MLP setting. At all. He's some kind of weird hybrid of two races never mentioned in MLP, and he has absolutely nothing to do with ponies. He's pretty much a power fantasy, or a way for you as the author to say 'look at how awesome my OC is! He's going to be shipped with all the mares!', regardless of his flaws here. He's not well realised, not well tied in to the setting, and his power level is disproportionate to the setting of MLP. Basically, both the character concept and execution are lacking.

Otherwise, read what DoctorSerious said. He's pretty much spot-on here.

[Azurus]

esreality.com/files/placeimages/2012/90198-3694-what-did-i-just-read.jpg

[bjornicorn]

2758703 this is why I put it on Hiatus until i get either a great co-writer, or get a lot better at writing

[apple shock]

I've only read the first chapter, but I get the impression you don't understand how mercenaries work.

"Because you never hurt the good guys and never work for meanies!"

If a mercenary operated like this they wouldn't get paid shit, because there are very few good guys who need the services of trained killers, and even if you were to find such an individual it's unlikely they would be able to pay for it.

"The job is to act as a body guard for the elements of harmony, the starting pay is 900,000,000 bits with all living expenses during the job paid in full

That is ludacris pay for a simple body guard job. Why would Celestia even need to hire a body guard? She has an entire army of highly trained soldiers on her payroll, who would do the job for much cheaper.

we also request full citizenship to equestria

She's hiring someone who's not even a citizen to guard such high priority ponies? This would never happen.

An ancient evil has risen, and he is out to destroy the elements of harmony

Every mercenary in the world would be like "fuck that" at this point. which kinda explains why Celestia would resort to a foreigner for this job, but not why she wouldn't just use her vast army of trained soldiers.

Zorbrogush Vrolthein, Arch-demon supreme

Stupid name.
So that wraps up the prologue. I'll admit im decently interested, but the rushed pace, logical inconsistencies and amateurish portrayal of the princesses and annoying Mary-sue protagonist make this a chore to read.