"Huh?!"said the Griffoness "You don't even know me, and yet you'd not only fight to protect me, but make sure I was okay as well?! What's up with that?! Who are you?! What are you?! How'd you even manage to fight those things?!"
"One, because I am awesome, two, I'm Cyndir, three,I am a hybrid of two mostly unknown races that are extremely powerful, and four, because I'm a bad-flank." Said Cyndir "Now; where is the nearest hospital, miss...?"
"The name's Gilda, and it's in that lame-o town ponyville , over that way, but there is no way that I'm going there!"said the Gilda
"And why won't you go? scared the bad little ponies gonna buck you upside the head? Don't worry Gilda I'll protect you from any of those slug suckers who try to mess with you."Responded Cyndir, earning an embarrassed glare from Gilda
"Shut up! I'm not afraid of some lame-o ponies, I just won't go!" huffed Gilda
" I'll just carry you then!" said Cyndir as he picked up Gilda and carried her off to ponyville
"Wha- hey put me down!"Said an embarrassed Gilda
EPIC TIME SKIP
"At least she agreed to let Sut keep an eye on her while I got her some decent food... seriously, aren't hospitals supposed to make you feel good?" Said Cyndir
"AH! a monster the horror the horror!"Screamed a freaked out pony
"I'M NOT A MONSTER! Just a hybrid of two endangered species."said Cyndir
"Oh, never mind then..."replied the crowd. just then, a pink earth pony bounced up to Cyndir and stared at him intently
"What two species are you a hybrid of, why are you here, what is your name, and do you like parties!? Oh! My name is Pinkie Pie, by the way!" said Pinkie
" I am a hybrid of Ifriiti and Storm Elemental, and I was sent here to protect you and your friends from an evil demon, my name is Cyndir, and I LOVE PARTIES!"said Cyndir
"YAYIcan'twaittointroduceyoutomyfriendsandthrowyouapartyandwhyareyouatthehospitalyoudon'tlooksickandwhyaretherefeathersonyourshoulderandohmygoshthoselooklikeGilda'sfeathers!"said Pinkie at warp speed
"I think my brain just melted..."responded a confused Cyndir as he fell on his behind and tried to make sense of what he had heard, deciding to just let it go as he ventured into the everfree to hunt some wild animals
I honestly didn't think of that... GO HAREMS
Please tell me if there is anything that I can do to improve the story
Well the first thing you can do is add more chapters... Another OC that has a peticular area in my mind of which it has -without my permission- lodged itself into... But will have to be added later... And changed to a female gender to add a plot twist... Yea and the destruction of Gilda cuz I hate her (possible mental Illness she could suffer from... Like a coma?) I laters private message me your answer... If that's possible, I'm a newbie to this site...
2672249 So you want to know how to improve, huh? Well, I'll try my best.
1. You advertise your main character too much. What I mean by that is that he seems like a typical Gary Stu. a little too perfect. And please, don't tell me that that will all change later, so many authors say that, just to get critics of their backs.
2. Your chapters are way too short. This also brings it's fair share of problems. First, you make it look like your rushing out the story as fast as you can. Never do that, it makes you seem uninterested in what you're doing. Second, we miss a lot on character development. Because it's a story about an OC, we need to know more about him to get interested in him. Making him do cool stuff, like you did in your story, doesn't mean jackshit if he's an bland, predictable brick with human skin.
3.
No, just... just no. That is one of the worst ways to present your character. It's so full of Gary Stu-ness that I want to reach into the story and punch him so many times in the gut, that he pukes.
4. You use "said" a lot. It's a little distracting, you can just let the dialogue end without any words. As long as you imply who said it, you can get away with that.
5. If you want to be taken seriously, don't use things like
or multiple exclamation points. Just keep it straight forward.
And with that, I rest my case. Hope this helped you a little bit.
ouch i can't take anymore i'm sorry i tried
and listen to the guy below/above me depending on how you order yours,... the guy before me