IX: I Believe in a Thing Called Love
ADORKABLE LOVE
By: Einhander
Edited by: SpaceCommie and TheLastBrunnenG
Pre-Reader: Cola Bubble Gum
Chapter 9: I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Twilight sat very still. Her inner voice was speaking calmly.
Just breathe. I just need to take oxygen in through my mouth... And expel CO2 Easy biological process. I do it everyday. In and out.
So.... Breathe.
Her throat relaxed just the tiniest bit, and a trickle of air began to flow. After what seemed like an eternity in terms of biology, she exhaled through her mouth.
Okay. Nice and easy. I can do this.
Her eyes were able to focus on the scene in front of her.
Applebloom was busy scarfing down the sundae. There would be no survivors. Bits of cream and sprinkle debris littered the table. Cheerilee was watching her student with great amusement, snagging a quick spoonful while Applebloom was distracted with eating the cherry. She turned towards Twilight, trying and failing to hide her grin with her hoof. "Good thing we used the napkin on her, right?"
Okay, we're good, we're fine. This is just two friends taking a filly out for ice cream. Nothing more. We're fine. Just… nod or something.
Twilight summed up every available ounce of self control to do just that.
There. I am fine.
Cheerilee winked and ate her stolen spoonful. Her eyes closed as she audibly 'mmmmed'. "Banana and Chocolate is my FAVORITE." She licked the spoon, not realizing she had a little bit of whipped cream on her muzzle.
Twilight stared at her.
I am not fine.
The ceasefire between Twilight's nerves and lungs shattered. Her throat closed up again. Nothing was getting in or out She quickly scrolled through her memory for any information from any book or class on how long a pony could stay conscious without breathing.
Applebloom wrinkled her nose at Cheerilee. "Uh, Miss- I mean- 'just' Cheerilee- ya got somethin’ on your nose."
Cheerilee looked at her reflection in the glass window. "So I have, Applebloom," she smiled, stressing the grammar, "I do have some ‘thing’ on my nose."
Applebloom pointed at the soiled napkin tie around her neck. "Wanna borrow mine?"
Cheerilee's smile faltered for a moment. "Er... No, that's okay." She looked from side to side, suspiciously, then whispered, "Watch this!"
She darted her tongue out and licked the whipped cream off the top of her own nose. Cheerilee giggled, held her hooves up and said, "Ta-da!"
Applebloom gaped. Twilight had no control of any of her motor skills, much less her jaw, but was also visibly impressed. It was, from a purely objective standpoint, the most adorable thing Twilight had ever seen. If Twilight had been aware of anything other than her rapidly declining O2 levels, she would have felt the blush going up and down her body.
Suddenly, her inner voice had a breakthrough: That's right! The article I read in Equestria Geographic! Deep diving ponies can go four minutes underwater without air!
But... that's ponies with training at peak physical condition. With neither at my disposal, I'd put my odds at, oh, eighty seconds.
Everything was going fuzzy.
And I've used about fifty or so. Maybe sixty.
"Twilight?" Cheerilee looked at her with a grin. "You? Speechless?"
She returned Cheerilee's glance with sad eyes. She wanted to speak, but her throat was giving her no quarter.
Funny, me going out like this. Choking to death of embarrassment at Sugarcube Corner. On my first date, no less.
Cheerilee's smiled faded. "Twilight?"
Wait a second. That's what Applebloom said. Cheerilee didn't say that.
"Twilight, are you-" Cheerilee rose from her side of the booth. "Say something if you're okay."
Twilight wasn't listening. Her face was bright red as the seconds ticked down.
She didn't say that! Applebloom said it! From the mouths of fillies, remember! Maybe this isn't... Maybe...
Cheerilee walked over to Twilight's side, her face all seriousness, staring into her eyes. "Twilight, just relax, okay? I need you to try and relax."
Twilight's eyes fluttered as her vision dimmed. Her inner voice was going in and out:
Only one way to... Have to ask... Just open...
Applebloom had stopped eating, now watching the strange scene unfold. "Miss Cheerilee? What's happening?"
Her teacher turned. "Did you see her eat anything?"
Applebloom shook her head.
Cheerilee's face tightened. "I need you to go get Mrs. Cake, okay?"
"But..."
"You can do this, Applebloom. Just walk upstairs and get Mrs. Cake. Now."
Applebloom nodded and ran up the stairs as fast as she could. Cheerilee turned back to Twilight.
"Everything's going to be okay, Twilight. But I need you to breathe. Can you hear me? Just open your mouth, relax and breathe."
All Twilight could see was Cheerilee's eyes, and growing darkness.
...never realized she… green eyes...
"Twilight, stay with me." She turned and shouted up the stairs, "Hurry, Applebloom!" Cheerilee looked back, "Just say your name. That's all. Don't worry about breathing. Just say Twilight Sparkle. Or just Twilight. C'mon."
Twilight's eyelids were barely open. Cheerilee looked around. There was nopony else. She turned back with grim determination.
"Twili-"
...
...
...
It could have been seconds. It could have been years.
Either way, there was nothing.
Until the pain.
A force stomped on Twilight's front left hoof. Hard.
Twilight's eyes flew open as she gasped in pain and shock. The key part was the 'gasp', as air flowed into her lungs through her now opened throat. She took in all of the air she possibly could. Inhaling was the key. Exhaling was future Twilight's problem.
Then Cheerilee threw a glass of water in her face.
Twilight sputtered and coughed, as water and air went down her windpipe. Instinct took over, and she was forced to exhale. Then she was forced to inhale. Wheezing, she leaned on the table, breathing in and out in raspy, painful breaths. Oxygen had never tasted so sweet.
How do ponies do this without thinking about it? I will never take the cardiovascular system for granted again...
A voice, vaguely familiar, was saying, "Say your name. Say it!"
"Twilight..." She gasped, "Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight turned to look at her savior, only to get another shock. Cheerilee crumpled to the floor, shaking, tears streaming down her face.
Breathing very quickly, she said "I'm sorry. If that. Hurt. My cousin. Gets. Panic attacks." She shook her head and closed her eyes, focusing, and her breathing slowed down some. "That's a trick, I learned, in drastic, situations." She opened her eyes again. "I’m sorry."
Twilight nodded. Her mane was still dripping, her hoof hurt like hell, but on the whole, breathing was a fair trade.
They looked at one another. There were noises, loud noises, coming from upstairs. Twilight was dimly aware of them. Cheerilee didn't appear to notice them at all.
Cheerilee suddenly hugged her. It started as a tight hug, a strong hug with that put Twilight's ability to breathe back on the negotiating table. Then it melted into a mushy embrace, with no real force except tenderness, Cheerilee's head lying on Twilight's shoulder.
"I thought." Cheerilee whispered. The words hung in the air, unfinished.
Twilight was one pony with one inner voice. That voice was locked in a silent scream. But she was made up of multiple other parts that, while they couldn't speak, could make themselves heard.
So her heart began tap dancing on a hot tin roof.
Her memories fell off a ladder in her inner library.
Her muscles started tensing for fight or flight.
And her nerves started drinking doubles.
She could run a marathon. She couldn't lift a hoof. She wanted to eat all the ice cream. She couldn't stomach a glass of water. She had the urge to teleport all the way to the Crystal Empire. She couldn't remember the words.
It was a good thing they were still in an embrace, because otherwise she would have fallen over. Of course, the other problem was, they were still in that embrace, not moving.
What now?
Good, her inner voice was back. But the question remained. Then she found four words in her throat, ready to go. They had been trying to get out since before she...
Almost died? Passed out? Stared into the black infinite void and found nothing worth liking?
She tried to focus, returning to the four words. They seemed important before the... void. She wasn't sure why, her memories were still recovering from the ladder incident. But regardless, she wanted to get them out of her throat and into the open.
So she said, "Is this a date?"
She felt Cheerilee's grip on her tighten.
Twilight was only one pony with one inner voice, but her heart, memory, muscles and nerves was very, very disappointed with her.
Cheerilee broke the hug, and was staring at the ground. She was shaking.
Twilight closed her eyes in shame.
Maybe that void isn't so bad after all.
Then she heard the blessedly sweet sound of Cheerilee's laughter.
"If it is," she said, tears again on her face as she was shaking with giggles. "It's the strangest first date ever."
Twilight blinked, and started giggling too. "I've never heard of any kind of date like today."
Cheerilee was trying to hold back her laughter as she offered Twilight a hoof to get up.. "Me neither. I never even read of anything like today.”
"I know!” Twilight crowed, leaning on Cheerilee shoulder for balance as she tried to stand.. “Fiction or nonfiction.”
Cheerilee wiped tears from her eyes, taking Twilight’s hoof and easing it to the ground. “Well- actually, maybe, remember the awkward forced date in Game of Crowns. The second book?”
Twilight nodded, feeling on firmer ground now both literally and lyrically, and she continued: “Right! Right! When they’re forced to have a pre-arranged marriage meeting, before the arranged marriage, because he’s too short to-”
Cheerilee moved quick. Twilight didn’t know what was what until it was already happening.
Applebloom had run upstairs, tripped on the last step, fell right on her left arm, got up and kept running. She was on a mission, an adult-ordered important mission, and Miss Twilight needed her help. Tripping and being too short to reach the door were little filly problems. She was doing a mare's work. That meant even after knocking and hollering as loud as she could to no avail, and three failed jumps to grab the handle to the door to the Cake's room, she didnt give up. Mares didnt give up. Mares try a fourth time, a fifth time, whatever it takes.
It took six tries.
The door swung open and Applebloom felt the thrill of victory followed by the agony of hanging from a handle by your teeth. She was also greeted by a curious sight in the Cake's bedroom.
Clothes thrown about everywhere, a lamp broken, and Mrs Cake, still in her cooking outfit, splayed out on the king size bed. She snored like one of Fluttershy's bear friends, or Granny Smith. Next to her less than graceful repose were two suitcases. In front of the suitcases, and the cause of the fabric bomb that had hit the bedroom, was Mr. Cake. He was trying to pack the suitcases, but what he as achieving was tossing clothes everywhere, along with books, magazines and his marbles.
He held up two bathing suits.
"The dark blue suit or the light blue suit personally I like the light blue better but what do you think honey-bunch I love you," Mr. Cake babbled without regard to sentence structure, or breathing.
Mrs Cake muttered, "Whzt?"
Mr. Cake nodded. "Excellent choice dear." He slammed both suits into the suitcase, and somehow a tiny stuffed bear came flying out.
Applebloom rolled her eyes. Adults are so dang weird.
Then Applebloom's teeth spoke up and reminded her that she was still hanging from a door handle, and that they were the only thing protecting her from gravity, and also, they were ready to surrender. She let go and hit the ground with a dull thud. Pain was now in her arm, her teeth and her flank.
Applebloom tried to shake it off. Somepony was in trouble, after all. "Mr. Cake, you gotta come quick! Twilight needs help!"
"Sssssh!” Mr. Cake glared. “The princess is sleeping!”
Applebloom followed his glance at the slumbering Mrs. Cake. She was drooling. “I mean,” Applebloom whispered, “she’s in trouble downstairs!”
“Indeed!” Mr. Cake leaned in close to Applebloom. “She will need assistance later to navigate the thorny path down the road of love!" Mr. Cake closed one of the suitcases, ran over to a chest of drawers. and started to rummage through it.
"No, Mr. Cake," Applebloom shook her head, "like she's chokin' or something. Miss Cheerilee sent me to get help."
"There's nothing to be done." Mr. Cake leaned against the chest of drawers. "And there's so little time. She is coming."
Applebloom ran and gave Mr. Cale's leg a tug. "Please, Mr. Cake. I'm worried about Twilight; Miss Cheerilee sounded scared and she never gets scared and, and-"
Mr. Cake knelt down and hugged Applebloom suddenly. She froze and went mute.
"You're a very nice foal to care so much about your teacher and Twilight friend." He let her go and looked her in the eyes. "Twilight is fine. She will need your help later. But her story doesn't end here."
"But, um, how do you know?"
"Because that's another timeline." He said solemnly. “The darkest timeline."
"Oh." Applebloom had no idea what that meant, but felt the sudden overwhelming desire to leave. To look into his eyes was to see Tartarus. Applebloom backed away. "I have to go now."
Mr. Cake nodded. "Your friends need your help. They're about to get chewed out." He closed the second suitcase. “She is coming.”
Applebloom ran back into the hallway, angry that her trip upstairs was a total creepy bust. She hoped like heck that Twilight was okay.
She got to the top of the steps, gasped and almost tumbled down them. Thankfully, no pony heard her skid to a stop. From her perch at the top of the stairs, she could see that Twilight was, indeed, okay. Heck, she was better than okay.
Because Twilight was being kissed by Miss Cheerilee.
Cheerilee's eyes were closed as she pressed her lips against Twilight's.
Twilight's eyes were wide open, as open as they could be without the assistance of magic or packing tape.
It only lasted five seconds.
Two seconds in, the shock wore off and Twilight’s mental dominos began to fall. Her one voice was too shocked to speak, but that didn’t stop the rest of her from freaking the buck out. Her heart slipped off the tin roof, crashed through the window of the inner library, knocked her memory off the ladder again and sent both tumbling down the stairs and into in the same bar as her nerves and muscles were sitting, where they all got proper drunk.
She was therefore defenseless and alone in the uncharted realms of rumpy-pumpy. It was just her and her one voice against an army of feelings, reactions and drunk nerves.
Thus she turned to the only part of her that still seemed functional: scientific analysis .
How would I effectively describe this biological and emotional process occurring right here, right now on my lips, should the Princess ask? Hmm... It's kind of sweet but wet and, ew, there's a hair, somehow, in my mouth and everything feels REALLY hot. And soft.
Her heart, drunk inside the bar at the bottom of her soul, was besieged by a sudden irresistible impulse. It knew that this feeling was going to end, and soon And her heart didn’t want it to end. Ever.
Twilight’s voice prattled on:
But overall, as an experience? How do I feel about being kissed, right now?
Her heart realized it had one shot at this, while the inner voice was distracted analyzing the kiss. It just had to get rest of Twilight on board.
I don’t mind the kiss. I guess,
First , her heart persuaded her memory over a bottle of wine that since this had never happened before, there were no bad choices. Therefore, they should choose this choice.
Memory was on board.
Scratch out the last part. Science doesn't care how I feel about it.
Her heart challenged her nerves to a drinking contest, whiskey shots. The nerves made one of the classic blunders: never get in a whiskey drinking contest with a heart when love is on the line.
Two down, one to go.
... How DO I feel about it?
Finally, her heart drank a lot of beer with her muscles. This time, it came up short. The muscles refused to hand over control of Twilight Sparkle.
How does SHE feel about it?
Sighing, the heart realized it was all over but the crying.
She's stopping, she's pulling back. she's looking at me. She's--uh oh, she's scared...
Then her heart realized that back in the real world, there was about to be real crying.
“I’m sorry…”Cheerilee’s voice was dry and panicked. "Too much? Too soon?"
...So the heart stole the keys to Twilight's body and made a run for it. The nerves and her memory followed, terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. Her muscles ran after them, screaming bloody murder.
It was too late. The heart turned the key, the nerves and memory clung to each other for dear life and her body started to MOVE...
This was a huge mistake. I need to... wait, why am I getting cl-
Twilight kissed Cheerilee.
Cheerilee's eyes flew open in surprise, and then went half lidded, then closed.
This kiss lasted longer. Partly because Cheerilee let it linger, but mainly because Twilight's heart was in control.
And it had no idea what it was doing.
What the what the what the WHAT? Her one voice screamed, searching inside herself for the cause of her lips being pressed against the schoolmarm's. Her voice found three very drunk parts of herself all arguing in her control room.
WHO RESPONSIBLE THIS? Her one voice thundered, too enraged for verbs and conjunctions.
All hooves pointed at the controls, where her heart, completely tanked, was passed out at the wheel. Her one voice was having none of it.
What do you have to say for yourself?!
The heart can be the most eloquent voice a pony has in their arsenal. In this case, all Twilight's heart could come up with was 'Whee'.
Cheerilee pulled back from the kiss. She was blushing, hard, and looking down with a crooked, nervous smile. "That was... Nice."
Once Twilight’s voice and other parts finished binding and gagging her heart, she was left staring into the downcast eyes of a mare with whom she had just...
Cheerilee looked up, expecting a response. Twilight felt that tightness return to her throat.
What now?
She focused on getting out words. “It was… nice… I think.”
Cheerilee cocked an eyebrow. “You think?”
“Well. It was my first.” Twilight swallowed. “So I don’t really have much to compare it to.”
Cheerilee’s smile fell. Her face became more neutral as she carefully said, “Your first. Um. First time you. The first time.” She blinked. “With a mare. Or?”
“Anything.” Twilight felt the tightness in her throat loosen somehow. “First time for anything.”
Cheerilee looked down again. “Wow. I’m honored and I’m...” She hesitated.
Twilight blinked.
Oh my. Is she…
Cheerilee bit her lip.. “I didn’t know it was your first.”
She’s as frightened as I am.
This mare. This beautiful mare. A little older than me, certainly wiser. Scared like a filly all of a sudden. Because of me.
I have no idea what I am doing.
Her voice was beyond the capacity for rational thought. Her nerves, memories and muscles turned to her heart for guidance. Her heart gestured in a way that sent an unmistakable message: Untie me you idiots.
Cheerilee was still going. “I would have gotten you flowers or something. Or,” she was waving her hoof, “Not done it. I mean, I wanted to do do it, I don’t regret it, but, I, maybe-”
Twilight caught her hoof in midair. Cheerilee stopped and looked at Twilight’s hoof on hers. Then she looked at Twilight. Twilight felt a tightening again. This time it was in her chest. She had no idea what she was doing. But her heart pushed on.
“Cheerilee, I-”
“I like you,” said Cheerilee.
Twilight’s mouth was open, but no words came out.
“I don’t know what that means, but I’ve been walking on clouds and flowers and good books the past two days. Because of you.” She looked down at the hoof holding her hoof. “I don’t know what comes next.. But I like you.”
Twilight’s mouth was dry. She croaked, “I…”
“No, don’t.” Cheerilee said, closing her eyes, “Don’t say you do or you don’t. Not unless you’re sure, and, well, you just had your first kiss and I remember what that was like.”
“I don’t know,” said Twilight.
Cheerilee nodded, and opened her eyes, sadly. “Okay.”
“I don’t know. I’m all messed up. These two days have been-”
“Crazy?”
“Yes!” Twilight said, eyes manic, “All the ponies in this town are crazy!”
Cheerilee laughed. “Spike told me you said that your first day here.”
“Well, it’s true.” Twilight sighed. “Every other day it’s something or other and it never stops.”
“You know,” Cheerilee tugged on Twilight’s hoof, “I can think of one day in particular, when things around here definitely got crazier. Permanently crazier.”
Twilight frowned. “When Pinkie made over a dozen copies of herself?”
Cheerilee grinned “Well, yes, but, no. When you moved to our little town.”
Twilight felt the warmth radiating from the teacher’s smile.
Inside her mind, her heart looked at her voice expectantly.
… Okay.
“Cheerilee, this isn’t a date.”
Cheerilee blinked. “Oh.” She suddenly looked much older. “I. Okay.”
She turned to walk away, but found she couldn’t. Twilight was still holding onto her hoof.
“I mean, the walk was nice, and the impromptu coffee, but having a filly be our third wheel? Me almost choking? Mr. Cake making weird predictions? I’ve read a lot of books, and some of them featured dating, and this isn’t it.”
Cheerilee looked up. “What?”
“I mean, a date, as defined by most authors of Equestria, is, is romance. And flowers, and candy, and poetry. Or so I’ve heard.”
“But you already-”
Twilight wasn’t listening. She was rolling. “And dinner! Or dancing! And ponies dress up, and they say, how lovely you look tonight! Or something to that general effect. Not this. THIS is not a date.”
Cheerilee’s eyes were shining. “Twilight Sparkle, are you trying to ask me something?”
Her heart took a breath. Then Twilight took a breath.
“Miss Cheerilee, would you go out with me?”
Cheerilee closed her eyes and shivered a little. Then she opened her eyes with a smile and said-
"WOOOOOOOOO!"
Pinkie stood at the doorway with, however improbably, a megaphone in her hooves. Her smile impossibly wide, her every muscle strained into a leering position, her eyes...
Upstairs, Mrs Cake’s eyes snapped awake. She sat up straight, jaw locked in a grimace and her eyes blazing like the sun at midday.
Only one pony would dare bring a megaphone into their home.
Especially after the very strict ‘no megaphones’ sign they posted outside.
Her lips curled into a snarl. “PINKIE.”
“The sleeper… has awoken!”
She turned her head to see Mr. Cake staring out the window, two suitcases packed by his sides. He had his hooves stretched out to the sky.
“IT HAS BEGUN!” he bellowed.
[/HR]
Several months ago, Twilight had been in a room with Pinkie where someone announced 'free cake!'. What followed was a culinary massacre the likes of which had never been seen since the Mystery on the Friendship Express. Twilight didn't remember much after the announcement, other than the eyes. The horribly gleeful eyes of Pinkamena Diane Pie, the last thing the cake would have seen before it went to cake heaven. Thankfully, cakes do not have eyes.
But Twilight did. And this was the free cake incident all over again. Only In this scenario, she and Cheerilee were the cake. Pinkie was salivating as she stared at them.
She looked away, hoping for a distraction. She found one in the form of her number one assistant.
Spike stood next to Pinkie, jaw dropped. He stared at her, then Cheerilee, at their hooves, then back at her, then back at their hooves.
Twilight followed his gaze and stared down at her hoof. It was still being held by Cheerilee's hoof. She then looked up at Cheerilee, who was still staring at Pinkie in a mix of horror and awe.
She turned back to Spike to say-
What, exactly? It’s not what you think'?
And what do I think it is?
What is this feeling, holding another pony's hoof? A mare, at that?
What do I think about the words she just told me?
How am I feeling, right now , about my...
She felt her horn start to glow. She just wanted to be away from here, very far away. Away away away. From all of these crazy eyes and held hooves and messy feelings and, the teleportation spell started to form in her head...
She stopped.
Spike was smiling. Not Pinkie's leer of a smile. The smile he got when she passed a huge test, or didn't lose her cool after a book came back late, or when he finished writing a letter to the princess about a particularly valuable lesson she had learned. It was his proud smile. His infectious smile of goodwill and cheer.
Spike quickly looked up to see if Pinkie was watching him, then he turned back to Twilight and gave her two claws up.
He's happy for me....?
He's happy for me.
He's happy for me!
Oh Celestia.
She needed another perspective.
She realized a baby duck was sitting on Spike's head, invitations in his bill. He seemed to have no opinion about the goings on in front of him.
That's... Strangely comforting.
Pinkie brought the megaphone back up to her mouth. "WOOOOOOO!"
Spike groaned and grabbed the megaphone. "Alright! Alright! We get it!" Spike growled as he switched it off. "We get it."
"Awww!" Pinkie reached out her hoof, giving him the quivering-lips big filly eyes look.
Spike wasn't buying it. "You get this back when you stop 'Wooing.'"
“You guys!” whined a young voice. “You cut’em off just when it was getting good!”
Cheeirlee and Twilight swiveled their heads up to see Applebloom making her way down the steps. She was glaring at Spike and Pinkie. “They kissed, they were makin’ plans for their first date… and you two had to come in here with your wooin’! At least they’re still holding hooves.”
The two mares looked at one another, and realized Applebloom was right: they were, in fact, still holding hooves. After a few moments of staring at each other, Cheerilee let go of the hoof and looked away, blushing.
“Aww!” said Applebloom. “Don’t do that just ‘cause we’re watchin’!”
"Woo..." Pinkie muttered, eyes downcast. Three seconds later, she rallied. "ANYWAY, who's ready to PARTY tonight at SUGARCUBE CORNER?!"
“OH NO YOU DON’T!” thundered a voice from above.
Everypony looked up and saw the heaving, enraged form of Mrs. Cake. Behind him was the wide-eyed body of Mr. Cake, who was hugging a stuffed bear.
“Hiya, Cakes!” Pinkie chirped, “How are you finding trampolineland?”
“NOT GREAT, PINKIE!” screamed Mrs. Cake.
“I packed the bags,” Mr. Cake added. “For the trip.”
"You have been COMPLETELY disrespectful of us, our neighbors, and, according to these notes from Mayor Mare, the zoning laws vis a vie trampoline placement."
"We have zoning laws about trampolines?" asked Twilight.
"WE DO NOW!" she roared..
Pinkie Pie shook her head. "Silly Mrs. Cake, you can never have too much fun!" She grinned. "That's why it's called 'fun'!"
Mr. Cake straightened up at that. "What you call fun," he seethed, "My wife calls hell." It was one of his more lucid moments, but unfortunately he was saying it to a lampshade.
Spike looked at Pinkie. "Hell?"
She whispered back. "I'll tell you later."
Mrs. Cake started down the stairs. "He's been like this for two days! And I haven't slept a wink because of you and your, your trampolines and your whee-ing and, quite frankly, that duck hasn't helped either!"
"Quack?" quacked Quacky, with a 'what, me?' expression.
"This was supposed to be a quiet weekend for us," cried Mrs. Cake, holding her head in her hooves. "We sent the kids to be with my parents so we could just... relax, and recover. Now I'm more tired than I've been in years."
She sat down at the bottom of the steps, wiping her eyes.
"You're out of control, Pinkie." Mrs Cake sniffed and wiped her eyes. "You're hurting your family."
Pinkie gasped. "No, Mrs, Cake! Mr. Cake! I never meant-"
"Popsicles," said Mr. Cake. "We should corner the Popsicle market. They cost nothing and we'll make a fortune."
They stared at Mr. Cake.
Spike finally broke the silence with, "soooo.... Pinkie, I'm guessing you didn't ask the Cakes if it was okay to throw a party?"
"A party? A PARTY?!" Mrs. Cake rose again, fury returned. "You have the hooves to try to throw a party in my house after everything you've put us through?"
Pinkie had a strained grin on her face. "Apparently so?"
"Pinkamena Diane Pie! You give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out of this house right now!"
Pinkie paused. "How about a magic trick?"
Mrs. Cake blinked. "What?"
Pinkie backed up towards the door. "I'm going to make you both... Disappear!"
Twilight looked at Spike for a clue. Spike shrugged. Cheerilee stepped closer to Twilight, ill at ease. Mrs. Cake glared at her. Mr. Cake glared at his stuffed bear, and began chewing on it.
Pinkie grasped the door handle with her hoof. "With an all expenses paid Spa Weekend!"
Mrs. Cake blinked. "What?"
Pinkie threw open the door. "Ta Daaaa!"
Two earth ponies stood in the door frame. They were identical mares, except for their colors. One had a pink coat and a blue mane. The other had a blue coat and a pink mane. They both wore huge smiles and were holding out white robes.
“Spa Veekend!” exclaimed the mare with the pink coat.
“Ya, Spa Veekend!” repeated the blue mare.
Mrs. Cake stared in wide-eyed bewilderment as the twins dressed her in a robe and pushed her toward the door. The other ponies gaped as Mrs. Cake was nudged forward by the spa ponies as they simultaneously gave her ears a double-barreled audio assault:
The pink mare started with,“Ve come to take joo, Mz. Cake, to free spa veekend!”
The blue mare began tying the robe around Mrs Cake’s body. “Ya, is free.”
Mrs. Cake protested, “But-”
The pink mare shook her head. “No buts. I am Aloe-”
The blue mare paused with the robe’s tie in her mouth. “-ya, and I am Lotus-”
“And ve vil pamper joo and take care of joo and Mister Cake.”
“Ya, ve pamper.”
“Oh wait a minute,” said Mr. Cake as Aloe put a robe around him, “It’s the fall. No one’s going to buy popsicles in the fall. We’ll lose everything.” He looked at his wife sadly as Aloe finished tying the robe. “I’m sorry honey.”
Mrs. Cake gritted her teeth, “Girls, this is very kind, but there simply isn’t time-”
“Ve vill handle ze time,” replied Aloe. “Ve vil massage joo and take care of joo and all vorries will melt away.”
“Ya, ve melt you.”
Mrs. Cake rolled her eyes and opened her mouth, but found it filled by Aloe’s hoof. The pink pony was staring at her blue counterpart with a tired, annoyed expression.
“Lotus.”
“Ya?”
“Joo are repeating everything I zay, only joo put ‘ya’ in front of it.”
Lotus smiled and nodded. “Ya, because I agree with everything you zay, is right.”
“Vell that may be but maybe joo have own words, and let me zay mine by me.”
“Vell maybe joo just have the best words, vat am I to do?”
“Maybe joo don’t tell the customer you melt them, vat about that?!” snapped Aloe. “Joo vorry the poor customer!”
“I wasn’t worried before,” Mrs. Cake sighed, “but I am now.”
“Joo zee? Ze poor lady is vorried, she already has vorry because husband has lost ze marbles!”
“I have marbles?” asked Mr. Cake.
“Ladies, this nonsense stops now!” said Mrs. Cake. “We’re not going anywh-”
“I want to go.”
A silence was born, and everypony turned to stare at its creator. Mr. Cake looked around the room.
“I want to go. Free Spa Weekend. I want to go there.”
Mrs. Cake walked over to her husband. “Darling? Are you sure? I’m so worried about you.”
“I want to rest. I want to sleep. It’s not going to happen here.”
“Ja, we help you relax.”
Lotus nodded. “Ja, we- er. Vatever you need, ve do for joo.”
Mrs. Cake hesitated,“I’m so worried about you, baby.”
Mr, Cake suddenly sobbed, and held his head in his hooves. “I am so, so, so tired of knowing what comes next.” He shook his head back and forth. “I want the future to be unknown!”
His wife reached out for him, gently cooing, “It’s okay…. it’s okay.”
“And I want this bear to stop staring at me!” he cried, and kicked the tiny stuffed bear across the room. “You don’t know me, pal!”
Mrs. Cake took her husband by the hooves, concern in her eyes. “Okay,” she said. “Okay.” She sighed and turned to the spa ponies. “Lead the way, you two.”
Aloe and Lotus smiled at each other, then both grabbed a suitcase and walked out the door.
Mrs. Cake turned to Pinkie. “If one pan is out of place…”
Pinkie shook her head, “Don’t you worry, Mrs. Cake! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it!”
“That’s what I’m worried about.”
Pinkie solemnly said, “Everything will be perfect. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-”
“Good enough,” said Mrs. Cake. “Honey, let’s get the heck out of here.”
"Wait. There are things these ponies must know.” Mr. Cake stared at all of the mares (plus Spike) who were looking at him. He took a giant breath, and approached Twilight. "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride."
Twilight stared back, confused. "What's a seat belt?"
He turned and pointed at Pinkie. "Things will be bad, then will be good... Forever!"
Pinkie clapped her hooves. "Oooh, I LIKE mine!"
Twilight muttered, "I mean I know what both those words mean, but together, they just don't make any sense."
He turned to Spike and looked him in the eye. "You will spend the night learning why your sister never let you order the Pinkie Surprise Sundae."
Spike pinched the bridge of his snout. "I don't even..."
He looked up at Applebloom, who was still watching from the stairs. "Winter is coming," he called out.
"Ah know. It's the fall."
Mr. Cake nodded solemnly. "Bring a coat when you move to Canterlot."
Twilight, never one to leave a rabbit un-chased down its hole, continued under her breath: "Maybe it would, you could be tied to a seat in a chariot? I guess? Wouldn't that hurt?"
Finally, Mr. Cake turned to Cheerilee. He put her hoof on his shoulder and stared at her with sad eyes.
"You can't always get what you want."
Cheerilee swallowed, her body tense at the contact. "Okay."
"You CAN'T always get what you want..."
Cheerilee wanted to look away, but felt powerless under his gaze. “...yes?”
“But if you try sometimes, you just might find..."
Mr. Cake stopped.
Twilight said, "Yes? Go on. Find what?"
Mr. Cake shook his head. "The vision ends there."
Cheerilee blinked. "What?"
"I go to my spa weekend. I love you all.” He held his hooves out wide. “You are all my children."
Mrs. Cake rolled her eyes. "The children are at my mother's."
"Yes, your parents. They planted their garden too late, and their garden shall bear no tomatoes and mediocre at best carrots."
Mrs. Cake nudged him out the door. "Yes, dear."
And so they walked out, wearing spa robes and frazzled expressions. There was a coach waiting, a magnificent white number, not unlike what had taken Pinkie and Twilight to the Gala. Mrs. Cake helped her husband into the carriage, then climbed in after him.
As the carriage started to move, Mr. Cake leaned out the window. “Wait! I got some of you mixed-"
Pinkie slammed the front door shut.
"Ha! Look at that! They're.... gone." Pinkie held up her hooves, waving them through the air where the Cakes once stood. Then she turned to the two mares. “So!” she leered. “Who wants to be the guest… and who wants to be the plus one?”
Twilight and Cheerilee looked at each other.
“Uh…”
“Well.”
“Nevermind! You’re both invited! And I am so honored that the biggest party that’s ever been partied EVER is going to be the site of your first date!” Pinkie poked Spike, who sighed and distributed the invitations to Twilight and Cheerilee. “Great! Onward! So much to do, so little time!I have to invite Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, and-”
Spike took Twilight aside as Pinkie ranted. “Hey. You okay?”
Twilight shook her head. “I’m seriously worried about the Cakes.”
Spike rolled his eyes, “Yes, clearly, the Cakes are who I’m talking about right now.” He pointed his claw towards Cheerilee, who had a frozen grin as Pinkie listed name after name.
“Oh.” Twilight blushed. “Well. Um. It’s been… nice?”
Spike groaned. “C’mon, Twilight! It was your first kiss, right?? So!?”
Twilight opened her mouth and closed it. She’d been vaulted from one stress situation to another--choking, kissing, dating, Pinkie, Mr. Cake--that she hadn’t had time to register anything.
But she did now.
“I… um… I like her, and…”
Spike grinned. “She’s great, huh?”
Twilight felt her inner voice revving up. Oh Celestia, is she great? Do I know what great is? Have I ever actually looked up the definition of great?
“She thinks I’m… great, I guess? Like I show up every time we meet with candy and flowers?”
Spike scratched the back of his neck, suddenly nervous. “Actually. About that. Funny story. You see-”
“And THAT’S why we gotta jet!” said Pinkie, grabbing Spike by his neck and hoisting him up, “So I better see all you party ponies at the pony party! Be there or be a square!”
She then jumped outside the door, hit her trampoline and they were gone.
There was silence. Blessed, blessed silence.
Applebloom broke it. “Miss Cheerilee? Twilight? I think I should probably go home now.”
It was several minutes later. Cheerilee volunteered to walk Applebloom home. Twilight said she had to get back to her library, sort out a few things. And get ready.
They would meet at Pinkie’s party.
It was a date.
Cheerilee smiled as Twilight walked away, the sun shining on her mane as she turned to wave goodbye. It was a nervous smile, but a genuine one. She grinned and waved back, then said to Applebloom, “C’mon, let’s get you home.”
“Ugggh…” Applebloom trudged along, holding her stomach. “I guess you CAN have too much ice cream. Mr. Cake was right.”
“You don’t need Mr. Cake to tell you that, Applebloom.” said Cheerilee with a vague attempt at a stern tone, although she was in too good of a mood to really sell it. She slowed down to match her student’s pace.
“Gosh, I can’t believe you were Mi- you were Twlight’s first kiss!”
Cheerilee blushed. “I know. It’s… quite a thing, your first kiss. To be a pony’s first kiss.”
Everything had suddenly made sense when Twilight confessed it was the first kiss. The nervousness and awkwardness, the endless changing of subjects, the overwhelming sending of the gifts followed by the complete lack of acknowledgment of any gift giving all day…
To think, Twilight was the one with a crush on her! All this wasted time, when they could have been together, or at least giving together a try. It also explained why Twilight’s kiss was full of heart but absolutely bereft of technique. She chuckled to herself
"What'chya laughing about?"
Cheerilee’s memory then turned from first kiss to the little spy walking next to her. She frowned and looked at Applebloom. “You know,” she turned the stern tone back on, this time really selling it. “You shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on us.”
“I had no choice, Miss Cheerilee!” Applebloom looked up with pleading eyes. “Ya sent me to get help, I came back to tell ya what happened, and you two were-”
Cheerilee stopped Applebloom with her hoof. “Applebloom. I need to ask you a favor. Until Miss Twilight and I figure out what’s going on-”
“It’s love, ain’t it?”
She swallowed and tried to choose her words carefully. “Love is a complicated thing. I don’t, we don’t know what this is.”
Applebloom tilted her head. “You like her, right?”
“Yes.”
“You kissed her, yeah?”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “I think you can answer that one yourself.”
“She kissed you?”
“Applebloom…”
“So what’s the issue? You two are gonna be so sweet at the party?” Applebloom giggled and clapped her hooves together. “I can’t wait to see what you’re wearing!”
‘Applebloom!”
“Yes, Miss Cheerilee?”
Cheerilee took a breath. “Until we know what it is, can it be our secret? That she and I kissed and… well, all of it, can it be our secret?”
Applebloom nodded. “Absolutely! Just our secret.”
Cheerilee smiled. “Thank you.”
“Just you, me and Twilight.”
“Right.”
“And Pinkie.”
“R-right.”
“And Spike. And that little duck. And-”
“Yes!” said Cheerilee, nudging her along. “All of our little secret. C’mon, I bet Applejack’s worried sick about you.”
“What ya gonna wear?”
Cheerilee stopped in her tracks. “Wear?”
“Sure, ya gotta wear something! It’s your first date, it’s a fancy party!”
"Um..." Cheerilee blinked at the little filly, whose eyes suddenly radiated concern.
“Ya are gonna dress up, ain’t you Miss Cheerilee?”
“What was THAT about?” yelled Spike as he and Pinkie flew across Ponyville.
“You can’t tell her you sent the gifts, silly!” shouted Pinkie over the howling wind. “Not unless you want this whole thing to fall apart like a pinata filled with broken dreams!”
They hit a trampoline, and rocketed in a different direction.
“A what?!”
“Quack! Quack!”
“Quacky? What’s wrong, Quacky?”
“Quack!”
“What are you trying to tell us?
“QUAAAACCCKKKKKKKK!”
“Timmy fell down the well? Who’s Timmy?”
Spike screamed, “PinnnkkkkiIIEEEE!”
They slammed right into the side of Fluttershy’s cottage.
There was a knocking at the door of Carousel Boutique.
Rarity grunted. She was currently in the middle of a very nice dream, involving stallions peeling her grapes. There was a crown involved. She had no need for reality with its pesky doors and pesky hooves making noises.
But reality kept knocking at polite but persistent intervals. The grapes faded, the stallions with them and the crown last of all, literally vanishing as she held it in her hooves in dreamland.
Rarity scowled and threw the blanket off of her. Whichever pony was waking her at, well, two in the afternoon, a reasonable time to be sure… in any event, she hoped they had a good reason. The ‘closed’ sign was there for a reason, and attention must be paid.
On the way to the front door, she saw the Gallopsy dummy, still unfinished. Practically unstarted. She stopped and sighed. Her nap had restored her energy and sanity, but inspiration still ran dry.
The knocking continued. She glared at the door.
Whomever you are, you had better have a saddle bag’s worth of bits or a VERY good reason for waking up a lady in her mid-afternoon repose.
She opened the door. Rage gave away to confusion.
Applebloom was standing, hoof raised to knock again.
Behind her was a blushing Cheerilee. She looked up, then down at the ground, then back up at Rarity. “Um… hello.”
“Cheerilee? Applebloom? What’s wrong?”
Cheerilee took a breath and opened her mouth. “I-”
“She’s got a date with Twilight but she ain’t got nothin’ to wear!” wailed Applebloom. “Please, Miss Rarity, she ain’t got many bits but you can have them all, plus my allowance, you gotta help her look pretty for her date tonight with Twilight!”
Rarity and Cheerilee stared at the filly, then at each other. Cheerilee was blushing a deeper shade of pink.
“Is this true?” asked Rarity.
“Yes. It’s very true.” Cheerilee said, glaring at Applebloom. “This filly doesn’t know how to keep a secret.”
“I meant about Twilight, dear.”
Cheerilee looked away, but a smile was sneaking up her face. She nodded. “We have a date tonight… and Pinkie’s party.”
“But she ain’t got nothin to wear, Miss Rarity!” Applebloom stomped the ground. “You just gotta help her!”
Rarity turned around and stared at the Gallopsy dummy. Then she looked at Cheerilee, a mad gleam in her eyes.
“Oh, yes.” Rarity opened the door and beckoned them inside. “I do think today is your lucky day, darling.”
Yeah, so there was stuff with Applejack and Blue Bonnet and Fluttershy that was supposed to happen in this chapter.
Sorry. Next chapter.
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I had the largest of grins here, you have NO IDEA.
God dammit Pinkie. Keeping the secret is what's gonna blow it up, you... ugh-guh-ugh! Ugh! Pinkie I will never forgive you if your obsession with secret-keeping messes this up.
(aka MarvelousTK gets too caught up in things)
3241551
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m68zw68icF1rr9d7p.jpg
First order of business: YAY, double Cheerilight! Thanks for the present!
Now:
My god! You were shaking the nitroglycerin that is this story and it just exploded. And it is GLORIOUS.
And always glad to see the confession-panic-escape sidestepped and neutralized. A shame I've already like'd and fav'd this story, because
at the moment, I want to do it again.
Long story short, this was probably my favorite chapter so far. Thank you, dear author.
Finally! Took you long enough to get to the good bits!
Mr. Cake needs to lay off the spice.
My sides, they hurt
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'till the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called "Love"!
Perfection, right there.
As much as I came here for the wonderful... Everything, I think Mr. Cake the Mad Oracle has stolen the show in my mind.
3241691
i.imgur.com/gBJ86.gif
Let the record reflect: my ducks are not rapists.
Very good, sir, very good.
3241551 I agree that keeping it from them would be bad, but telling them now I think would do more harm than good. I reckon someone should gently break it to them after their first date, so they have time to establish a deeper connection. Otherwise they might start doubting their feelings for one another, wondering if the whole thing was just a bunch of misunderstandings. Twilight at least is still a bit confused about her feelings, cheerilee not so much but still.
...I think I need to reread this fic - I do not remember the Cakes being quite so tortured.
But this chapter was gold. Pure and simple.
Good God man! I read the preview you sent me and I loved it then, but reading this fully fleshed out version was something else. Greatness flows through you.
Keep up the great work, Ein!
This was a GREAT chapter! Also we finally got kissing, YAY!
Also that ending was just PERFECT! >=)
I just about held it together until Mr Cake started with the Rolling Stones lyrics
Also: *piñata
Wow, Twilight's inner voice, heart and nerves were awesome to read about. She actually managed not to screw up. I love adorkable, neurotic Twilight, but I like her most when she overcomes her limitations.
Great chapter. Also Pinkie Pie seems to have more or less redeemed herself at least in the eyes of the Cakes.
This story is just so damn good.
It's like you blended romance and comedy together in a bowl of dreams in the kitchen of gods.
All of my hats come of to you, sir.
Incorrectly delivered prophecies ...
You can't always get what you want ... That should have gone to Pinkie cause ...
1) she cant keep the ducky (she already has gummy after all)
2) she can't keep the trampolines
I think this one should go to Twilight either because of Twilight becoming all princessey or some other reason we do not know of as yet...
"You will spend the night learning why your sister never let you order the Pinkie Surprise Sundae." that should go to Apple Bloom. no question.
"Things will be bad, then will be good... Forever!" I am pretty sure this one should have gone to Cheerilee. Somehow Cheerilee will find out about the present mix ups before finding out that Twilight really does love her. Then they will live together forever
... (Cheerie is a vampire after all and Twily becomes a alicorn 
)
I've enjoyed most of the previous chapters. But this one. This one right here. This is some of the best comedy I've ever read.
"She was currently in the middle of a very nice dream, involving stallions peeling her grapes."
That can be misconstrued in so many ways...
Lovely (and random) chapter. Looking forward to the next one. =3
really loved this chapter, the part about Twilight's brain was great
I have two things to say that i thought about in the middle of the chapter:
Love is a fire that burns unseen,
a wound that aches yet isn’t felt,
an always discontent contentment,
a pain that rages without hurting,
a longing for nothing but to long,
a loneliness in the midst of people,
a never feeling pleased when pleased,
a passion that gains when lost in thought.
It’s being enslaved of your own free will;
it’s counting your defeat a victory;
it’s staying loyal to your killer.
But if it’s so self-contradictory,
how can Love, when Love chooses,
bring human hearts into sympathy?
and this
I have a bad feeling about those premonitions.
should use the song "If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right" by Faithless as a chapter title
However, on a separate note
THIS CHAPTER HAS ALL MY YES!!!
period
Cardiovascular system... does it include the respiratory system? I don't think it does.
omit
spacing error
A bit misleading... in that immediately, it reads as Cheerilee saying "Wooooo". Of course, if we look again, it's rather obvious that it wasn't but... might want to reconsider that part.
Maybe another one of those horizontal lines?
extra capitalization
extra period
extra space
spacing error again
wrong quotation mark
WIll say, normally, that part with the Heart running away with the keys and all that, I would not like too much on a technical level because it distracts too much from the actual narration... but in this case, this is a mostly comedy orientated story, and there was not much to distract from. Basically, it was bloody hilarious. Well done.
Game of Thrones references.
I am pleased.
Pinkie, you know there are severe ethical problems with keeping spa ponies stashed around Ponyville in case of spa emergencies, right?
YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
Awesome
This is getting weirder and weirder.
Mr. Cake for best crazed prophet pony.
This story gets more ridiculously awesome with every chapter.
The Gallopsy dress? Yes! It's all coming together!
I like this, I really do, but... Ithinkitwouldbebetterwithlessreferencessorrry!
*shutting up now*
I...did that just...did she just....
BEST CHAPTER EVER!!!!!
This story is off it's damned rocker, and I LOVE IT!!!!!
3244979 in some cultures, David Caruso taking off his sunglasses is the highest form of flattery.
3245024
You deserve it and much more, you glorious god.
3241806 Let the record reflect: most ducks are rapists
Cracked.com - Duck Rape
3245298
Let the record reflect I'm not clicking that.
3245346 Let the record reflect that it's your loss. Aren't you even a little bit curious?
C'mooooooooooooooooooon
Click it.
What's the worst that could happen?
(Don't answer that. Just click it.)
3245365
3245378
William Shakespeare
Oh god, Twilight's body going through all that! I love the drinking reference for comparison. Everything Carrot says is hilarious (I now consider him the equivalent to TFS' Nappa).
I have now other way to form sentences to explain how great this is right now.
Wow, this is just wonderful all around. I'm really enjoying how this story is going and I can't wait to see more of it.
I'm also INSANELY jealous, you write Twilight falling in love so much better then I do. I wish I could be half as good as you in that department!
themcp.webs.com/ExcellentChaos.png
3242564 Without giving anything away, just remember... five players, five prophecies.
3247933
Every time you use this picture, I smile.
3248035
Remember, kids, a happy Discord is... something you should back away from very, very slowly.