As the only two pegasi left in Ponyville that can still fly, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash must bring medicine from Canterlot to save the town and their friends. It's a lot of flying, especially when loaded down with packs of medicine. Can Fluttershy make it? For that matter, can Rainbow Dash imitate Balto and save the day? Maybeif they have a little faith in each other.
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Helpful tips time!
1. If you are starting a scene with new characters, have some way to show a scene change. Otherwise it may become jarring to read as we cannot tell transitions. You can do this through large gaps with indentation or (my favourite) '* * *' Between scenes.
2. It was a little heavy on dialogue try more descriptions of surroundings.
3. Slow the pacing down. An entire event like this shouldn't take place in a mere 3000 words. You pick us up for the event and drop us off too quickly try and slow it down a little.
Good points:
1. I liked the humour, it was paced and pleasant.
2. Most characters seen in character (which is always a good sign)
3. The author's notes seem keen to write more and upload more. This is good, keep writing and you will get better.
That's it for me. Hope I helped
Thanks for reading and the critique. Writing in this format is new to me so I'll try that scene break suggestion. This was originally written as a script with stage directions etc and was made to fit the time allowed for an episode. I converted it to a story by deleting the direction and leaving the dialog. Guess I could have taken more time doing that bit. Thanks for the comments on the humor and having the characters stay in character. That is my aim. I'm pretty content with leaving a thing as it was designed to be.
I have a couple short stories finished that are much the same as this, a slightly more adult one that's a bit longer and a monster that is sort of complete (over thirty chapters) but I'm deciding whether to just add more or break off and do a second one as a sequel.
Thanks again!2613628
why are you calling it a horsepital? It's hospital,
A bit too fast paced but otherwise great story
2614197
Originally written to fit the 22 minute time frame for an episode so it is fast paced. Doesn't really work for a written story I guess. Horsepital was just a joke. I actually went in and changed it to that. Yeah that decision was....questionable.
I love that so much! How sweet! I laughed like a hyena when I saw the horspital