Spike
The mighty dragon peered down, down past his sharpened talons glistening purple in the light of the midnight moon. He stared past the rocky cliff that was lined in gravel like rocks, some reduced to sand after many occasions where they had been trodden upon. But it was past this sandy cliff that captured the focus of this colossal reptile.
The fiery serpent had grown weary many long decades ago. He spent his days and nights in this desolate space that made up the mountain’s top. He knew of every rock, nook and cranny to be found at its peak. And more than anything, he longed to be able to leave it far, far behind. He longed to leave his responsibilities early, longed to take flight once again, fly among the starry night. Instead he had to watch each night, as years rolled past him in their grinding way. He stood watch as the rolling foothills that were once a deep forest feared by the locals transformed into a gentle rolling valley filled with grasses that would hide all but the antlers of a deer hiding within its grasp. He had to stand guard as those peaceful fields gave way to developing towns, as populations grew and memories faded.
Once, when he was just a hatchling, living just beyond this former forest, it was thought to be tainted by wild magic, magic that would cause plants to grow into malignant predators and would brew up strange creatures, each one built to kill a mortal as easy as they walk. But as the forest had receded into depths of elder’s memories, travelers grew bolder. And because of that the courage grew over generations. Mortals expanded their claim upon this ever free land. Now it was a field of thatched hutches, grains and corn. The dragon watched as what was once his home before he could even fly turned new and forgot that which once was. He wished he could leave his post, bestow his thoughts and memories onto the people... But he promised he would protect.
And there was yet another problem he was unable to overcome.
The ponies of the valley though, the very valley that he watched over so very often, were not longing for a dragon to set down upon in their lands. Most of the towns had all but forgotten that the beast lived up in those mountains, having reduced him into a legend to keep their young from wandering far from home. There was only one old enough to remember the last time their village saw the mauve monster, its pupils burning a black fire, descend from its throne among the peak to fly overhead. Not even that elder though could remember a time when the dragon landed. Nor could anypony remember a time upon where the dragon would attack.
This specific dragon was not like the others, not just in size, but in behavior. Dragons were a haunting terror in these lands, foul beings who would storm through towns, sometimes in clutches, sometimes alone, but those dragons would decimate a town. Whole villages would disappear overnight, the buildings turned to ash blowing leagues away in the midnight breeze, their occupants mingling within. But this dragon, the dragon that in size made the others appear as mere cold-blooded, dull- toothed lizards, he never participated in any such acts of destruction.
There is even told a legend among the older folk of the lush valley of how on misty mornings, before the life giving sun would have her chance to break her way through the thick grey sheet, if one were to get close enough to the foot of the center most of the mountain, you could hear an ethereal song. Its melody a gentle yet haunting tune, one that sings of loss and sorrow, of days gone by. And if you slept overnight at the very base, the night before one of these dreary, yet magical days, you can see the source.
Now the stories vary, as many travelers just make up tales to impress, but the most widely believed, and most often told of these stories is of a unicorn. The ghost of a unicorn. She haunts the mountain, her horn curved gentle like and ridged like that of a prize ram’s own curled horns. This immaterial mare paces peacefully around the mountain, her flowing locks dancing in an unfelt breeze and her coat almost as pure as the driven snow, her mane like a star light sky in hue. The feature though that catches most adventures thoughts is the eyes, gleaming bright and bold of a happier times. This mysterious wonder’s eyes will speak the same tale, it is said, as the music, but it will sing the story louder and clearer than that of any tale. Of days that she remembered, days long gone, days spent frolicking in meadows, days spent happily with friends; the unicorn’s eyes spoke of days not spent in worry. No one has been able to find out what this tale might actually be though, should anyone get closer to the apparition the dragon is motivated down from his perch, raining heat and smoke down as soon as he leave the cave mouth, burning away the early fog, and with it any glimpse of the mare the brave soul might hope to get.
For, unbeknownst to anyone but the mystical mare and her beloved dragon, that was why he had to stay. A dragon, a creature viewed as one of the most violent and foul beasts out there, had made a promise, a promise that he would keep to the end of the world if he had to. He had grown up with that unicorn; he followed her everywhere when he was small. He barely came up to her shoulder when they first met. But her time came one day, and as she lay there, with her last breathe yet rattling inside of her frail chest, he made a promise. A promise to himself and to the memory of his friend. He would not let his oldest friend be forgotten into the wind of the past like he had. As long as he was still around to remember her, she would at least have someone to remember when she was alive. The dragon did not care that he was being forgotten, turned to legend as it were though through the passage of time.
And there was yet more that he promised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the distance lightning flashed, a blue bolt piercing down from the heavens.
“Spike, Spike wake up.”
Great green eyes cracked open, their luminescence giving light to the darkened cave. In front of him stood the mare of his dreams. Rarity. He reached a claw out, letting it hover gently near her cheek. How he long to be able to touch her once more.
“Spike.”
Her tone had changed. Sorrow laced it yet, but now…she was serious. Something was up. Spike shifted into more alert seat, leaning his head down near hers. And her next words, despite the time he has been waiting, froze him
.
“It’s time.”
Thunder rolled through the mountains, its very core rumbling at the sound.
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It's alright so far. There are definitely some problems with words choice, grammar and the like, but nothing that makes it unreadable. The one major problem was the exposition; it is not necessary to reveal all information in one go. When you present all these new ideas without any action, the story can become grating and downright boring sometimes. You can reveal this information over multiple chapters. This adds to the immersion as the reader is discovering things through hints or dialogue and is not being told all this at one time.
Overall, it has the potential to be good, depending on where you go with the plot.
2608181
Ok I'll go through and try to fix those things in the morning. I had actually originally had it just with spike and rarity in the first chapter and had not included the elements.
2608181
Ok I shifted the ending for now. I'm still not pleased with it but later I'll go through and look for the grammar issues and might change it yet more.
We don't know if she is Rarity, Twilight or SweetBelle. Was It proposital?
Question, why is this in the group Spike Shipping?
You gave me a lot of words to read, but not much was really said. You go into precise detail about the scene, but this becomes a problem because it is almost too precise. This goes all the way down to the sentence structure as well, some words are just unneeded and only fog up the flow of the story as a whole.
If it were another with a shorter attention span than I, they probably wouldn't have made it through, even though it isn't particularly long. The extended descriptions aren't really neccessary for the story.
What this amounts to is that this chapter feels like it didn't really go anywhwhere until the last couple of paragraphs, making me feel like I wasted my time. While you gave me a lot of info in the beginning I wasn't able to really stay with it because of the detail given on them.
I would suggest going back and eliminating any words or passages that seem unnecessary and disrupt the flow by going into that much detail. Building a scene is important, but overbuilding it can break flow.
I'd say something about the plot, but not much was there, except towards the end. But this is only the first chapter, so a plot is really yet to be seen.
2609885
Because it will have it. I hadn't realized I had put it in there yet. Sorry bout that, phones aren't always as accurate as one wishes.
2609946
No problem, just wondering because there was no 'Romance' tag.
2609976
I'll be having a bit of spike and rarity going on.
Alright, you have me hooked. I want to find out what the other promise was that Spike made to Rarity.
happy tears, and such a beautiful first chapter.
2610044
Thanks!
2610080 The one thing I love about dragons, and why I am a huge fan of Spike, is although legends say that dragons are ferocious and deadly beasts, there is one word that sums them up perfectly in my opinion, and this is my honest opinion "Noble". Spike is a noble dragon in keeping his promises to Rarity. You are very welcome, and I can't wait for more.
Overthepacific is onto it.
There are too many redundant words and long sentences here. I'll go into more detail.
Do you need to describe that the dragon is mighty? Most people will assume that on their own. Ans saying the talons were sharp is redundant.
Using words like glistening in this context is strange, and the whole idea of showing how the light moves over the talons is not needed.
Again, I could have guessed the cliff was rocky and lined with rocks. I don't need to know the history of the rocks.
Note: in the first two paragraphs, you call the creature a "mighty dragon", a "colossal reptile", and a "fiery serpent". Doing this is just annoying. This is actually a well documented problem that new writers often have. It is described in the writing guide on this website as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Here is a link to the page so you can find out how to fix this.
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Lavender-Unicorn-Syndrome
That was a very nice story. Almost teared up there at the end, I think you handled the chapter ending well and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
I think that FakeScienceMonthly has a point that there are a few too many adjectives when it comes to describing Spike at the start, but that's really the only place that I thought it was off. I think the rest of the story is handled well and it beautifully written. It's just that first paragraph or so that are a little purple, so make sure that the first paragraph isn't the one that people think are off, as it is the first impression of the story that they get.
Apart from that, great work ^^.
2621090
I'll try my hoof at editing it around this weekend if I get a chance. I have graduation from high school next week, just graduated from college last week, ect. I've been keeping busy.
It seems like an interesting story. It's very well written, minus the few grammar mistakes and maybe what some others have pointed out that I have no desire to write since it's been done. But even that didn't bother me too much, not to a point where I left the story altogether. Otherwise, I think for the most part, it has potential to be a really good story, so I look forward to what there is.
2698158
Danke! I'm very glad you enjoyed it~
Wen da next 1>>2700610