Rainbow Dash bets that Fluttershy couldn't pull off a prank in time for April Foal's Day. Fluttershy says that she can...maybe.
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Joined 16th Jul, 2011 ·
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Nice one Fluttershy!
Twilight, Y U NO LIKE HOT SAUCE? Fluttershy, you rock, woohoo!
Spike to the rescue! Cute little story, I really enjoyed it.
HAH! Hilarious!
Fluttershy pwns.
I read your story and liked it! I think you can improve it further so I hope you don't mind some critique
The first thing I noticed was your use of adverbs in the dialogue. I feel it is better to describe exactly what the characters do. For example, "A p-prank?" asked a shocked Fluttershy could be changed to show how Fluttershy is shocked - her pupils contracted and she took a step back, for example. These are actions that actually happen whereas the 'shocked' is a conclusion the author has made of those actions. It is often better to leave the conclusions to the readers so they can participate more intimately in your story.
I enjoyed how you portrayed how Fluttershy's kindness was holding her back from her pranking and I thought you gave her sufficient motivation to at least try and pull through with it for the Gala ticket.
Spike's wagon should be in tow rather than toe.
I think the word 'suddenly' is a bit too common and easy to use. It might be better to describe what makes it sudden. Maybe Fluttershy was staring at the ground and got bowled over by Twilight running.
"Slow down there, sugarcube." said Applejack, Ponyville's resident cowpony.
"Just take it one line at a time." Assured Rarity, the most fashionable one of the group.
Parts of these lines I think are redundant as it is almost certain anybody browsing FiMFiction will know who these characters are.
I liked how Pinkie Pie still loves her hot sauce from the first episode, that was a good detail.
"One of the Ponies had a much larger roll than the others." I think this should be role, and a lower-case P. Also, even if one pony had a larger role, Twilight had probably read the whole book anyway.
My favourite part was Fluttershy's unintentional prank and especially that writing about an Ursa Major helps her go to sleep. The part where Spike picks up the books, before reading the ending, feels somewhat unnecessary. Maybe Spike could give her some advice on pranking or do something else to make that area look like it has a purpose other than setting up the ending.
If this story were to be tightened it would be a very good read. I hope you appreciate my advice :)
Fluttershy wins this round. URA!!!
accidental pranking LIKE A SHY!!!
Such a nice story!
Thumbs up.
Great little story
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Thanks for pointing out the typos. I thought I got them all, darn.
This was my first "real" piece, so I thank you for being kind in your remarks. Criticism can be hard to take sometimes, but you put forth your arguments in an objective manner. Thanks.
Strangely enough, the "Ponyville's resident cowpony" and "the most fashionable one of the group" were suggestions from one of my editors. Granted, this was written almost a year ago for the April Foals Day event, and this was originally submitted to my DeviantArt account, where not everyone knows about ponies. But you're right, for this venue that's unnecessary.
"Um, I could take it off your hooves, if you like." suggested Fluttershy. "If you win the prank contest." smirked Dash. ...(in my brain) Fluttershy's eyes shrank to pinpricks unblinking down on the ticket before slowly slipping upwards to meet Rainbow Dash's slightly perturbed gaze."For the sake of adorable animals, I am sorry for what I am going to do to you." The yellow pegasus rose from her place and completely silent left the room.
Aw, Fluttershy. She can only prank somepony by accident. Fluttershy wins the adorable award.
Nice story. This sounds like Fluttershy. Giving Angel two carrots? Seriously, I think she thinks that anonymous charity donations are pranks.
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Oh, they would never see it coming!