Never the answer. Never. · 5:40am Apr 8th, 2022
Okay... deep breaths.
Hi there, fellow adventurers. Uh, as you could probably tell from my last blog post, things have been bad in the Inkwell household lately. Sorry if I worried you all with that last message, but thinking clearly has been a struggle while emotions have still been running high.
I guess this is gonna need a trigger warning, huh?
TW: Suicide
On March 31st, I woke up to the sound of my mother screaming in the backyard. When I rushed out to help her, I discovered that my father had perished at his own hands.
I count myself lucky to have had friends and family who have rallied together to help us through this. People I can talk to about what happened AND people who can help me distract myself from the pain talking won't solve. My boss and coworkers have urged me to take the time I need to grieve, and I've been keeping close to my mother because we were both... we were both at home when it happened. My siblings didn't have to go through the ordeal of seeing him hanging there, am I'm glad that they didn't, but the sight of it will be burned into my mind for years and years to come. I cut him down and closed his eyes.
There's going to be a memorial service for my father in a few days on the 10th.
I want to write, but... I literally can't focus on something that requires that much thinking for a while. I feel like I can barely type without making dozens of typos at a time (I'm really taking my time on this message). If you want to apologize or send comfort, know that I appreciate it and love you for helping, but DMs will be hit-or-miss, I'll tell you that now. My ability to respond to messages comes and goes, so please don't be offended if you send condolences and I don't respond.
So, as for how this relates to you.
The question we've been asked a hundred times, and that I'm sure some of you want to ask, is "How can I help?"
To be short: my father did not have life insurance. He also had no savings. He didn't leave any kind of liquid assets behind, and my mom can't really go back to the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom since the 90's and now being in her late 50's. The most direct way to contribute to our peace of mind would be for us to be able not to worry about bills and the like until we figure out a new solution to covering them.
My father was a teacher. He loved his students, even when they drove him up the wall. He would make students who thought themselves hopelessly bad at Math discover a love of the subject, and every student who entered his classroom was loved unconditionally. He struggled to hold down a teaching position for the last few years because he would constantly butt heads with administrators who didn't care about their students.
As a father, he taught me how to fight long and difficult battles. Before I or any of my siblings were born, he was in a motorcycle accident that shattered his pelvis and left him in constant, excruciating pain. Despite that, he was a happy jokester to his kids and made sure they never went without something they needed, teaching us to face the world with a smile and a wisecrack. He single-handedly beat an opioid addiction despite the fact that no one would have blamed him for leaning into it to avoid his pain, because he wanted to be in control of himself. For years and years doctors said that he ought to be in a wheelchair, but all he ever needed was a cane. He taught us all to work smarter, not harder, and to take control and never pay someone for something we can do ourselves.
Every single one of his kids are hard workers, kind and generous enough to give a stranger the shirt off their backs, and always seek to help others. We get that from our parents.
He was my bestest buddy, forever and always.
He watched his father, my grandfather, descend into the grips of Alzheimer's before his death, and I think that was the reason he was so afraid to seek out help for his mental health. A string of lost teaching jobs, combined with the isolation of the pandemic and just bad brain chemistry sent him into a deep, deep depression over the last two years. My mother and I saw the signs and symptoms and urged him with every ounce of ability we had to get help, but he shut us out. In the end, it was one of the most insidious illnesses that took him from us.
I love my father from the bottom of my heart, which is what makes this so hard for me to deal with. I'm angry and confused and tired and so, so devastatingly sad. But for the first time in decades, in MY entire life, he isn't in pain any more, not physical, mental, or spiritual. And that's something to celebrate, I suppose.
Thank you all so much for your love and support. Please don't feel like you have to donate, but if you can't please do consider signal boosting it. My family and I would appreciate the help.
I promise I'll be back soon with more stories and adventures, everyone. Take some time to tell your parents you love them. Never, ever take a genuine suggestion of psychological help as a personal insult, and suicide is never the answer. Never.
Lots of love to you all,
Elijah Becker
AKA
Pennington Inkwell
I've sat here for 15 minutes, trying to think of something to say and everything feels so inadequate. Take all the time you need we will await your return.
We're here for you, man.
Hi from Russia, I want to sincerely express my condolences to you, the loss of someone close is always a pain. You are one of my favorite authors, I read your fanfics through online translators and even so they were excellent. Good luck to you.
P.s. I apologize if I wrote with mistakes, I'm writing through a translator for you.
i don't get people who kills them self that has a famaliy.
Suicider: "i have noone who loves me anymore, might as well kill myself."
Famaliy and Friends: "We love you! ple-"
Suicider: I SAID NOONE LOVES ME ANYMORE! @.@
Me: Wot?
I've never been able to properly try and console someone who's dealing with a friend or family member's suicide—tons of physical medical ailments, but nothing on the mental spectrum—so I feel like I can never say anything other than "My condolences" and hope it's enough. So… my sincere condolences. I'm lucky enough that I can, so I'm sending some cash over to you.
I wish you luck in the days to come. As I say to an inmate pen pal of mine, take each day one steady breath at a time.
As long as you stay safe, all will be okay. Stay safe and take care as much and as long as you need. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, and I understand your father's ordeal. And I am so dreadfully sorry you had to endure such hell. Please, stay safe.
I'm so sorry.
I am so so sorry.
..........
My deepest condolences, Pen. Always here for you there, man. ❤
5649411
Dude.
Not the time.
5649442
of cause, i'm sorry.
It sounds like he did some amazing things for you and your family. Celebrate his life just as much as you mourn his loss.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry. Though the circumstances were different, I know what it's like to lose family to suicide. You have my deepest sympathy and condolences.
Try to remember your father for the good, and may his memory be a blessing to you and your family.
I honestly don't know what to really say that will be much comfort, but know this, you have the rest of your family and your friends, both IRL and online to support and back you up during this hard time.
Losing a family member, especially one that has as much an impact in your life as your dad, will always hurt, but as long as you can talk to someone about it, and remember the good times you had, he will always be in your heart.
I have one gift, one question, and two pieces of advice. None should be triggering.
The gift: here's an internet hug.
The question: who is your favorite pony? Or creature. Feel free to name a few.
Financial advice: donating blood plasma makes bank right now. you may not be in an area where this is true, and not everyone is eligible and you might have to lie a bit to be eligible (mostly just about sexual proclivities (thanks FDA homophobia!) and recreational drug use (as long as needles aren't involved, that is a big No-No, but like I've donated on meth before no problem but also caveat I normally take ADHD meds which are almost chemically identical so it's not like I was tweaking) but only lie about stuff that can't actually hurt people IE do pay attention to the banned drugs list it's there for a reason,) but right now donating blood plasma makes absolute fucking bank like up to a thousand the first month and $300 to $600 a month after that depending on if you actually get yourself to go twice a week. It takes like 90 minutes and because it's plasma not whole blood you don't feel woozy or anything, and it's for a good cause. It's keeping my dysfunctional Manchild ass afloat right now
Show advice: watch The Owl House to distract you. It's relaxing and wholesome and has great characters and Alex Hirsch creative gravity falls voices one main character earnestly and another main character in shitpost mode and it's fucking fantastic. Should give you something to smile about.
Oh also Letterkenny and Brooklyn Nine-Nine are amazing sitcoms that are my favorite type because they aren't super tense or stressful or scary and are mostly slice of Life but they still have fantastic three-dimensional complex characters you can root for
Sorry for rambling I hope at least one of these four things I offer make sure day better. With love, super trampoline
There is nothing much I can offer except my condolences. I don't know who you are, where you are, or what you must be going through, but know that you are in my prayers, as well as everyone else's. Your father sounded like a good man, and I hope you get through this this time of grief.
As someone who also experienced his father's suicide, I offer you my sincere condolences. Losing your parent is hard enough, and losing him like that hits you ten times as hard
If I can offer you a piece of advice... try not to dwell on 'what could I have done differently to prevent this?' That thing is a sinister SOB; it can throw those left behind down into an endless cycle where they keep asking themselves that question over and over... In reality, those things are usually so much out of our control that there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. Such is life...
Once again, I'm sorry for your loss... Take care.
I'm so sorry about this; my condolences, and please don't feel any need to respond to me, when you have other things you need to focus on. Good luck.
I can't finds any words. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
I’m so terribly sorry to hear this…. All my sympathy to you and your family.
i cannot think of any words to say that will help, and sorry seems woefully inadequate
we stand with you, Pennington. each of us a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you vent
...honestly, there isn't much else I could do other than pray for you and your family, but that much I can do here, under the guidance and power of Jesus.
I'm deeply sorry for what you and your family must be going through. I know what it's like to feel like your Dad felt.... I know that hell well. I just wish he was still around so he'd be able to see the person you're growing to be. I'll spread the word around to try and help you and your family out as best I can.
5649447
Maybe think about WHERE you post that kinda crap next time rather then just doing it without consideration for other people.
Sorry for your loss, internet stranger.
That's truly awful. I'm sorry both you and your mother had to experience that grief and trauma. I've experienced suicidal ideation and made attempts before, you're right about it being insidious and the stigma/punishment around seeking out help for such things. My own father nearly did the same as yours, although I cannot say I love him as much as you love your father. From what you've said it sounds like he was a great man to have raised someone as talented and caring as you.
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I am so sorry for your loss. I get paid tomorrow so I'll donate to the go fund me then. My prayers are with you and your family going through this tragedy. May God watch over you all.
Sorry for your loss dude. If my Dad died I don’t know what if even do with my life.
May he Rest In Peace.
Sorry for your loss
My God. How horrifying. My deepest sympathies go out to you.
I… don’t know what to say honestly. I don’t think I could say anything that could help.
I… take as much time as you need.
For what it’s worth I’m sorry for your lose. You have my sympathy, my condolence and my prayers.
Your father seems like he was a good man… no a great man. I think the only thing one can really do at a time like this is greave and try and remember and celebrate his life and accomplishments.
May he Rest In Peace.
I understand some of what you and your family are going through (I lost my younger brother to suicide). And just know that I'm praying for you and your family. And that there are plenty of us pony folk to talk with if you need us.
I've lost three people I know to suicide: two were good friends, one was a jerk I didn't really like, but all of the deaths hit me pretty hard. The hardest one was my roommate's girlfriend, who hung herself in their bedroom off a ceiling fan. For weeks before that, she'd been acting weird, so much so I asked her what was bothering her, but each time she would deny anything was wrong.
That Saturday, as I was taking my kids out to spend the day at the ocean, I noticed she was watching a crime show where a guy had been found hanging from a fence on Halloween and had first been thought to have been a macabre decoration. I didn't think about that until afterwards.
When we got home around eight that evening, I noticed their alarm clock was going off, so I knocked on the door. No answer. I then tried to open it, but it was locked. I called my roommate at work, and told him what was going on, and asked him if Cat (the girlfriend) was home. He said yes, and told me to go ahead and break down the door because now he was worried. I fully expected her to be simply passed out in the bedroom since she was a heavy drinker and there were several empty bottles of beer in the kitchen.
She wasn't passed out.
I found out later that her own father had killed himself the same way, and the grief counselor told us that in an odd way, this was like giving her permission to do the same thing.
The pain is raw now, and it will never go away. BUT, it will eventually find a place to stay in your heart that won't hurt so much.
5650483
yea....again, sorry.
Oh God.
I'm so sorry ;-;
I will put you and your family in my prayers tonight. Please, don't feel obligated to write anything right now. Take as much time as you need.
I'm so sorry im this late to respond. My grandpa has been moving into our house this last week and I didn't see this until now. I can't relate to how your father passed away, but I can relate to your grandfather's alzheimer's. My grandma passed away this last year from alzheimer's and if your father's passing has been half as bad as hers was then you have my deepest sympathies.
She was almost a second mother to me and it hurt when she finally passed, but as you mentioned there is a silver lining. Your father was in pain both physically and mentally so death if nothing else has ended that suffering. I know it wont make up for the fact that he is gone but you should still try to live for his memory and the sake of the rest of your family.
It almost seems like life is punishment at times but everyone no matter how bleak their life has been has had at least a few good memories and we keep living in hopes that we can add onto those memories. That and I'm personally a christian so that is all the more incentive. That's what keeps me from just pulling out the 9mm in the closet each day. Sorry if this was as much a confession as it was my sympathy and support. I'll be praying for your wellbeing and for your family.
To not only be present but the one to cut him down and closed his eyes.... Holy...
You will hopefully spend less time revisiting the 31st March and remember more of the good times, the normal, and the less related bad. I really hope everyone who knew your father is coping and getting better.
(I generally don't follow blogs, and I probably haven't looked at any blog posts in the last 3 weeks. The fact that I have seen your post just tells me how far and how much this community cares about your wellbeing. I wish you the best of luck in recovering.)
My greatest regards to you and your family.
My dad nearly lost ME to depression when I was in my teens and being bullied by a teacher. The worst part is I don't even think the teacher was trying to be cruel. There was just such an age gap that they couldn't understand me and I couldn't handle it. So I just wanted to be "anywhere but this plane of existence", though the psychological effect was very real in any case. I called my dad up one morning to try and talk myself out of it, because it was either that or face that teacher, that shame, that disdain and dark sarcasm, again.
Obviously, I didn't end up doing it... And what's particularly interesting to me is that this was less than two weeks before the car accident (emphasis on accident, I wasn't the driver) in which I became paralyzed (but in all likelihood shouldn't have survived, based on what I was told)...
Life is funny sometimes like that. It's almost as if, I don't know, the devil couldn't get me one way so he tried another, I guess? Either that or divine intervention so I couldn't hurt myself and wouldn't have to face the "teacher of the year"[/sarcasm].
Now, that said, my mental health was temporarily better because of the distance between myself and my previous circumstances, but eventually the reality of my injury started to hit me pretty hard. I still hadn't gotten help for the first battle with depression, and those around me started to "smell the smoke" again and got me help. Somewhat forcibly, but effectively nonetheless.
Suicide is never the answer. I don't care how hopeless you may feel, there is always a PURPOSE to your existence. You just have to find it. Sometimes choose it. A movie quote I'm fond of from The Matrix Reloaded has, funnily enough, kept me reminded of that: "without purpose, we would not exist". People seriously overestimate how random and uncaring the universe, and the people in it, are.
And I guess sometimes you have to know how to interrupt the depressive brain chemistry, even if it means eating some chocolate so you can think clearly. Seriously, chocolate helps, just like in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban ;-)
I know I'm a little late to this blog post, but I wish you all the best. Keep yourself sane, don't worry about the horse words right now, and stay safe.