Violet Bier · 9:41pm Apr 10th, 2019
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and the air smelled like spring. Starlight Glimmer was away in Canterlot, Discord was visiting relatives in the Dungeon Dimensions. Nothing had interrupted Twilight Sparkle’s morning pancakes.
She might, she reflected, even get to finish her post-pancakes cup of tea without anything exploding. It had been so long, she’d almost forgotten what it was like.
She considered having Spike make another pot, and settled back on her balcony to watch the town.
Ponyville was full of early risers, and so the streets were already full. Mares and stallions went about their morning affairs with smiles on their faces, ducking between pastel colored buildings and into whimsically decorated stores. A line had already formed for Coffee Talk’s espresso stand. And further up main street, Twilight could see figures dancing in unison. Somepony was having a musical number.
There was even some kind of ceremony being performed in the town square, in direct view of her balcony. A few strong earth ponies had dragged a stone altar into the space in front of the town hall, and a crowd was gathering to watch. When Twilight squinted, she could see two ponies walking up through the crowd: a mare and a stallion.
“Oh, that’s nice.” She smiled. “Spike! Put on another pot of tea, would you? I’ll be right back.”
“You got it,” Spike called back. Then Twilight spread her wings, leapt off her balcony, and gently glided down to the square below. Only a few dozen ponies were gathered in total, and so the crowd was not so thick that it was impossible for her to get to the front. There, she had a good view of the couple: Thunderlane and Flitter.
He was in his sharpest saddle. She was in a simple white dress. His mane was brushed, and her hooves were polished. Compared to weddings in Canterlot, it was quite plain, but Twilight didn’t want to say anything. Earth ponies had their own traditions, and in any case, it was the sentiment that mattered—not the dress or the cake.
Thunderlane glanced at Flitter as they all waited for whoever would officiate the ceremony. “You look, um…” He struggled for words. “Nice.” Twilight couldn’t help but smile at his awkward stammering. Thunderlane didn’t exactly have a way with words.
“Aww. Thank you. I, like, polished my hooves. See?” Flitter smiled a broad smile and held up a leg to show off the polish. “Like that whore you slept with.”
The smile vanished off of Twilight’s face.
“Oh, Flitter. You don’t have to paint your hooves to be like Melody.” Thunderlane’s tone was sing-song. “You’d also have to be much smarter. Good with foals. Maybe less of a bitch.”
Twilight’s ears folded back and her eyes went wide. She looked at the crowd around it, and it was only then that she noticed some of them were carrying tubs of popcorn. “Oooh!” whispered one of them. “That’s a low blow.”
“Well maybe I’d want to have foals if I wouldn’t be raising them alone while you run off with your friends every night.” Flitter shot back, her lips pulled back to show her teeth. Ponies in the crowd cheered.
“At least I have friends!” Thunderlane was yelling. “Remind me. How many of your ‘best friends for life’ still live in Ponyville?”
She spat at his hooves. “Cheating bastard.”
“Insufferable witch!”
“Okay, okay, woah.” Twilight lifted a hoof. “What is going on—”
“Sorry!” The doors to town hall flew open and a mare dashed out. She was a little grey unicorn with a shock-white mane that sharply contrasted her faded black robe. Saddlebags were slung over her back, and she rushed out to stand on the far side of the altar. “Sorry, had trouble finding my supplies. Let’s get started, shall we?”
As the couple stopped fighting and the crowd settled down, the mare reached into her saddlebags. First she pulled out a collection of charms made from glass beads and bird bones, and draped them around her neck. Then she pulled out a deer skull mask complete with antlers, and slipped it over her head.
Finally, she pulled out a live, struggling rabbit and an obsidian knife.
“Ahem,” she cleared her throat as Twilight stared. “We are gathered here today to separate this couple that stands before us. If anypony has a reason why they should remain together, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
“Um…” Twilight raised a hoof. “I have a question.”
“Twilight.” Flitter snapped her head back and glared at Twilight. She actually growled. “I’m not staying with this impotent loser so you hold it for the end.”
“Yeah, okay,” Twilight said quickly.
After a few moments, it was clear nopony else was going to object, and so the mare in the skull mask went on. “Do you, Thunderlane, hereby affirm you have no desire to repair your love for this mare?”
“I do,” he said.
“And do you, Flitter, hereby affirm you have no desire to repair your love for this stallion?”
“I do,” she said.
“Then by the power vested in me by Lu-Kthu, The Shadow of All Things, I hereby proclaim your relationship dead.” She plunged the knife down into the rabbit, and blood ran out over the altar. Where it touched the stone, black lightning arced outwards, striking Thunderlane and Flitter.
“Sweet Celestia!” Twilight shouted, rearing backwards. Her horn came alight as formed a defensive shield. “That’s necromancy.”
The ponies around her shushed her. “Stop interrupting!” somepony hissed. In front of them, the black lightning slowly dispersed, and Thunderlane and Flitter stared at each other anew.
“Wow.” Flitter said after a moment. Her eyes were wide and her expression dazed. “I really… don’t feel anything for you. Like, at all. I remember everything that happened, but it’s just like, I don’t care.”
“Yeah. I mean. I know. It’s great.” Thunderlane scratched behind his ears. “Sorry I cheated on you.”
“Whatever.” She shrugged. “Have fun with Melody.”
“Thanks. I, uh… I hope you have a nice life.”
They both looked at the mare behind the altar, who lifted the deer mask. “Part as friends,” she told them. The crowd stamped their hooves and cheered.
“That’s it!” Twilight raised her voice to be heard over the crowd. Ignoring the shushes and glares of the ponies around her, she shoved her way up to the altar, glaring at the mare with the mask and the black robe. “This has gone far enough.”
“Um…” The mare stared, removing the mask and placing it on the altar. “What do you mean, princess?”
“You may have all these rubes thinking you’re some kind of ‘quaint local hedge mage,’ making things better with your ‘traditional magic.’” Twilight made air quotes with a hoof. “But you’re no petty caster. You’re a practitioner of the dark arts, and I know a real necromancer when I see one!”
“Oh.” The mare with the mask paused. Then she beamed. “Thank you!” she said, so delighted she might giggle. “That means a lot coming from you, Your Highness. Oh, I hope that wasn’t too formal.”
When Twilight continued to stare, the mare faltered. “Um… well. I’m Violet Bier. Uh… I’ve lived in Ponyville for about ten years now, but I think this is the first time we’ve met. My card?”
From inside her black robe, she produced a business card.
Violet Bier: Professional Necromancer
Is something that should be dead still lurching around?
She can fix it!
Services available in the greater Ponyville area.
When Twilight stared at the card for an uncomfortably long time, Violet cleared her throat. “Um… my address is on the back. If that’s what you’re looking for.”
(Snerk!) In Ponyville, marriage is 'Until death⁽*⁾ do you part' like all the rest of Equestria. Almost.
(*) of the rabbit
Well, at least she's more in the de-animation business rather than the other one. Reanimation leads to so many messes...
This was funny, but I'm pretty sure what Violet's doing isn't necromancy. She's killing things, which is the opposite.
Hey, purplesids have to make a living somehow. Especially when the Mask hasn't been broken.
...I’ve heard of divorce rituals to match marriage ones but that’s a bit ridiculous.
At least her ad is for more of an Abhorsen type position. I STILL say that’s why Starswirl carries the bells...
Is Violet Bier an Exalted reference?
Pinkie Pie's welcoming party is going to be out of this world.
Seems like kind of the opposite role from the typical necromancer. I guess she's a de-animater?
I suppose if one of these rituals goes wrong, the rabbit doesn't die, and just turns into some kind of dark, malevolent lapine...
Oh.
5042345
Right, it's necroturgy. Totally different thing.
Ponyville's a great town.
What the hell did I just read?
Good thing Fluttershy wasn't there.
5042339
Never said who's death
5042345
In popular media "necromancy" is indeed the art of "raising the dead", but in a more broad sense it is more "controlling the dead", so if you know how to raise something you should know how to put it down as well. (NEVER call forth what you don't know how to put down.)
On another matter I really dislike the ingrained societal interpretation of the word "necromancy" because the -mancy suffix means, "to divine" and as such necromancy should only be telling the future though the dead, the reading of entrails a very common example. The more common usage of the word is more properly necrourgy as 5042401 said, since the -urgy suffix means "to work". So you "work with the dead" or "set the dead to work".
That was funny. Also, I get the feeling Applejack has some explaining to do. I'd say Pinkie Pie, but that would be weird.
This was great. I want more!
I can saw
A woman in two
But you won't wanna look
In the box when I'm through.
I can make love
Disappear:
For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer.
5042358
Almost certainly yes.
5042339
Oh, those quaint local traditions.
5042346
Sometimes, Creation needs saving! Other times you go hang out in that weird part of the Wyld with the colorful talking horses.
5042358
5042637
Yup, she's a Chosen of Endings -- there to make sure all things die at their proper and appointed time.
Fate decreed it was time for Thunderlane and Flitter's relationship to die.
5042407
Unique. Good place to raise foals.
This was disturbingly hilarious.
"alight as formed a defensive"
"alight as she formed a defensive"?
"You may have all these rubes"
Yes, way to get the crowd on your side there, Twilight. :)
At this point I thought it was some kind of ritual to ward Cadance off.
I like the character. Any plans for a longer work with her?
5043046
Yup! A longer story about Twilight discovering ponyvilles quaint little traditions about dark magic.
I definitely need more of this story! It’s delightful!