No Matter What ♥ · 4:05pm Feb 6th, 2018
"Pobody's nerfect."
My grandmother would always say this.
This twist of a phrase has always stuck with me. It's both simple and effective in its simplicity, with a little silliness to boot.
This, from my grandmother who humiliates my mother for being overweight by shaming her at the dinner table in front of the whole family.
Well, as she says: "pobody's nerfect."
No matter who you are. How good of a person you are. How high of a standard you hold yourself to. How you want to be seen by others.
You will make a mistake.
And it will hurt.
I confided to a group of people something that happened to me that made me feel uncomfortable on a deep, primal level. Although I am now a person who is the first to offer hugs, that is actually a very recent development for me. Eight years ago, I wore turtleneck sweaters to a gaming convention in Las Vegas in the middle of August, because of my nigh phobia of physical contact with others due to an unfortunate event when I was fourteen.
That terrified version of me came back in full force. What happened wasn't malicious—and no one else reacted to it, because no one noticed it as the situation (a board game) had attention elsewhere. Those two things made me feel like I was overreacting and I tried to swallow it down.
But as anyone who's tried to swallow their feelings knows, eventually you break down.
And I broke down.
To a group of people, I poured out everything that I had tried to swallow for the sake of avoiding confrontation and conflict. Things that I said, as well as thing that I didn't say, became public. I have, am, and will own up to the fact that my mistake was to vent my personal feelings instead of going to that person directly.
Now, I have spent the past 48+ hours receiving messages that range from loving support to despicable vitriol. I have seen the most beautiful and the most ugly side of people in the span of just a mere few days. It is a terrible thing to understand, but I now, on a deep and personal level, understand why people who are assaulted struggle coming forward—things have been said to me that I can't imagine another human being typing.
It has been hard for everyone involved, from the direct parties (me & them) as well as our mutual friends and our non-mutual friends. Everyone involved has had a very emotional 48 hours.
We have all had a really, really bad time. I know this from my own experience, of receiving an onslaught of PMs to the point where I left every server except two to make it so no one could talk to me anymore. I especially know this from looking at my friends and what their past two days have been like.
Finally, this all culminated in me waking up this morning with my sock drawer upended, my favorite socks on my bathroom floor, and a lot of pictures on my phone of my ceiling. And a raging hangover.
So, you know, a totally healthy way to respond to a mistake that was blown way, way out of proportion by other people with their own agenda.
But then I looked at my Discord chat history, trying to figure out why the hell I was wearing one Cinderella sock, one Twilight sock, and why my bathroom floor was covered with ⅓ of my sock drawer.
Although I found a modicum of answers, instead what I actually found was solace.
I had been semi-forcibly coaxed back into joining one of the servers I left, a server I very much missed and was afraid I was no longer welcome in.
I found a bunch of pictures where my friends followed my drunken lead by snapshotting their socked feet held up against their ceilings.
I didn't handle my problems well last night, but I woke up to a deeper appreciation and love for people I already loved and trusted.
I woke up to a long PM conversation with someone who has no business investing the time they did in my drunk ass, but talked my subconscious into waking up and knowing what I had to do.
And that was write this blog post.
At the end of the day, I think it's important to take stock of what's around us. Not just what—but who. I intended to quietly drink myself to sleep because my head was full of anxiety and self-loathing. Instead I apparently spent hours with people who... who I can't begin to thank, begin to appreciate for what they've done for me.
I have my husband, who is going to be really upset with me when he reads this blog post because he told me not to do anything stupid while he was away on a work trip, but, well, he'll just have to take me on his trip with him next time I guess (I love you, babe).
I have my cousin, who despite it all, stayed the night at my place so I wouldn't be alone... and I'm sorry I went behind his back to drink while he was upstairs (I love you, cousin-babe).
I have my sister, who I could say many things about—have said many things about—will always have many things to say about her, but she picked me up for work and took me from crying to smiling again (I love you, sis-babe).
And, importantly, I have friends. I didn't appreciate how many I have but, well, gosh. I went into the bottle feeling alone, and I woke up to a lot of love and support and socks (a pair of which I proposed to, so, I love you, sock-babe).
I made a mistake, but I still have family, friends, and love.
So, take a moment to look at your life.
Take a moment to thank, even just in your heart, everyone who is in it.
And if you sit in this moment and feel like there isn't a single person you could thank, please send me a PM. I can't promise I'll respond right away because I have a lot of meetings today, but the very least I can do is pay forward the love I've been given.
No matter what—
No matter how bad a situation feels in the moment—
No matter how much you screw up—
Someone is always in your corner. And if I can be that person for you, then please let me.
❤
You're amazing, Crystal
;;
We love you too, Crystal. Always remember you have a place with us.
What is this even like about?
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It's about life. And friendship. And bathroom floors.
Isn't it beautiful?
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well the bathroom floor part I ain’t too sure about
SomeBODY once told me about conflict unfolding
And I admit; I quickly saw red
This whole thing was dumb
Started by a petty bum
And I hate that it fell down over your head.
Well, the news kept coming and it didn't stop coming
Stuck to the rules, and I kept my feed running
The narratives all begged to differ
Everyone worked from an incomplete picture
The ice I'd skate was wearing pretty thin
And at times I kind of fell in
Some bridges on fire, how about yours?
But I got you back, so I call that recourse
Hey now, you're an all star
Get your drink on, we'll play
Sock shots, after hard shots
Liked the pony ones, and the plaid
I hope everything is all gold
Cause this situation got real old.
I'll thank you for being in my life, Crystal.
By getting you some Happy Socks.
That's going to happen now. Look forward to it.
Love you, bro 💛
I'm kinda horrified that it was only a third of your socks.
Glad you have good friends to keep you aloft, Crystal, here's to the past, the present and the future.
Reading this reminded me of this song from Steven Universe:
And to Crystal, I hope this ends well for everyone. I know how some things can get blown out of proportion and how the game of telephone can warp the most innocent of phrases. Take care of yourself and thank you for being amazing. :)
“A pair of socks that I proposed to, (Love you, Sock babe!)
Those must be awesome socks!
I’ve been nothing but blessed by you, Crystal. I’m glad I know you as a friend.
I pray the poison of this episode is spent and healing can begin for you and everyone.
Now I’m off to buy some socks...
We’ve never spoken, but you are a good person, Crystal.
And we all make mistakes. Sometimes we can fix them. Sometimes...we can’t. Either way, people often get hurt, including ourselves. Learn from it, and move forward. The past is the past, but tomorrow is always a new day.
I’m glad you have such great friends to love and support you through this.
Somepony is gonna need to add an extension to their corner
HOW MANY SOCKS DO YOU HAVE?
... ARE THEY SO MR HANDY HAS DIFFERENT DRESSES?
I said some feelsy shit.
Still mean it though.
Keep going.
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Also, this is a beautiful, terrible thing.
Nicely done.
Keep walking forward with those comfy socks on your feet. If I could shave my lamb avitar, you would have some wool socks to compliment your collection.
But really, I have your back and will walk alongside you as well as others who are willing to help you.
<3
I can't even begin to know how this feels, but stuff happens. in times like these it's important to think hard on just who's critical words you care about. Your friends, your family (usually?), and those you trust. there's always going to be hoards of people that either approve or disapprove of your actions. People that'll comfort you and those that want to see you burn. Seek comfort in your loved ones, and do your best to ignore those who don't have anything better to do than tear others down. At best laugh at them as their opinion is invalid. It won't always work as we're rather socially dependent creatures, but just keep reminding yourself about what's important. But try not to let that important thing be the trolls and hateful people.
In the ends this is just another person who hopes you feel better and that their words have provided some manner of assistance. If not? well, at least i'm another tick up on the number of people who don't want others to suffer. We all suffer emotional breaks eventually, and it's only right to support a person when their that far down.
It's times like these that remind people that the people they idolize are in fact people, that they're not untouchable giants. They're as emotional and prone to error as anybody else, and i guess that's another lesson that can be taken from this.
The whole situation is just unfortunate.
I can see how a misunderstanding (especially of that nature!) would blow up like that, but when it was Clarified that ought to have been the end of it. I certainly didn't see a need to jump into the mess, myself, but I'm sorry people put you through that. I'm sorry your friend was put through that. I hope you both are still good with each other after all this.
*offers cheesecake*
Strawberries cure
allwell, most ills?People throwing vitriol at you for being who you are?
They're terrible. You're not perfect, but you're bettering yourself, and that's what counts.
It's good to hear you have friends to help you through. From an afar admirer of your work, keep moving forward.
Also, if you're into classic rock, this one has a great message for your situation:
The mistakes we make - and how we deal with them - are a large part of who we are. So are the friends who help us through those times.