Depression Sucks · 12:20am Apr 18th, 2016
So, you all may have noticed that not a lot of writing has been occurring in GaPJaxie land recently. Or activity of any kind really. I promise, I haven't forgotten you all, and I'm just as excited about the show and FiMFic as I've ever been. It's just for the last year or so, I sit down to write, and then suddenly...
Oh no!
So, while I sadly don't have any ponyfics for you this weekend, I thought I'd share my experiences to anyone who's interested. Depression is an often-misunderstood condition, and one that can vary significantly from individual to individual. There are certainly people who have it a lot worse than me (I'm a functioning member of society!), but it's still been a big part of my life, and something that's really influenced my writing. Qualifier that this is all from my personal experience alone, and is more of a stream of thought than any kind of academic dissertation on depression. But, if that sounds interesting to you, read on!
Alright! Bring on the crazy!
First, to cover the most common misconception, depression isn't feeling sad. I've heard the jerk-ass version of this ("Just cheer up already!") and the nice version of this ("It's not your fault your brain is stuck in Sad Mode."), but they're both wrong. In fact, even in the worst of my depressive episodes, I rarely feel anything I'd describe as sadness. Depression is apathy. 100% pure, concentrated, factory-grade not-giving-a-shit. It's apathy so strong that not only do you not care about the little things, but it becomes hard to care about the big things even if you know you should.
This can be a little hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, since after all, everyone suffers from apathy once in awhile. We've all had that day when we roll over in bed, look at the clock, and think "I know if I'm late for work I might get fired, but fuck it. Just fuck it." And this actually isn't a terrible approximation of how a mild depressive episode feels. The key difference is that you can make yourself get out of bed and get over it, while the depression isn't going anywhere. During mild episodes, I'll have trouble caring about the apartment starting to collect trash, about damage to my car or possessions, about things that could get me fired, or things that permanently damage my relations with friends. This is what can make depressed people come across as sad ("There's no point.") and also why they can sometimes come across as assholes ("I don't care that your feelings are hurt."). They're not really sad or angry, but it's hard to work up the effort to not seem to be either of those things.
Unfortunately, that's a mild episode. During a severe episode, it gets hard to care about the really big things. Things like "If I don't eat I'll die." Or even, "If I don't take my medication this will get worse." It's easy to get drawn into a negative spiral where you don't take care of yourself -- no food, water, or meds -- and not taking care of yourself just makes the symptoms worse. While I'm currently pretty far from suicidal (don't worry!), there were points in my earlier life where this went to a much more extreme place. I never felt like the world would be a better place if I was dead, just that, you know. Life is a little too much effort right now.
Thanks, AJ.
How long the symptoms lasts varies pretty heavily. Some people have depression all the time -- a constant effect. Some people have varying levels from day to day or even hour to hour. I have what's called stress triggered episodes. Which in theory means that I'm fine/normal most of the time (hooray!), but being under extreme stress will cause the symptoms of depression to manifest. In practice, what my brain decides constitutes "extreme stress" is weird and inconsistent. Generally, yes, more stressful things are more likely to trigger an episode, but sometimes I'll go through an incredibly stressful life event (startup failing, GF dumped me, etc) and be fine, while on the other hand, I have literally been triggered by stubbing my toe. That was a pretty bad episode too. Thump, ow, my life is a meaningless farce and everything is pointless.
Unfortunately, that puts a damper on the whole "normal most of the time" thing, because I have to plan around the fact that an episode can come on at any time and at any level of severity. The way I describe it in-person is "fine, fine, fine, suddenly not fine," and while it's a bit tongue-in-cheek, it's true. Episodes can come in a matter of seconds, and I once had one that was so quick and so severe my roommate worried I'd had a stroke. That was the toe-stubbing one. He heard a thump, called to ask if I was okay, didn't get an answer, and when he came out, I had a thousand-yard-stare and was marginally responsive. It took a few tries for him to get a coherent answer out of me, and he still didn't want to leave me alone. Which, is good. I have a good roommate.
He really doesn't like ponies though. So, this is the image he gets. It felt right.
One of the most frustrating parts of this sudden-onset process is that I'm fully aware it's happening. I can tell, rationally, that my mood underwent an extreme change with little or no outside stimulus. I am aware that this is almost certainly caused by depression. Thus, by extension, I'm aware that any feelings of apathy or pointlessness I may be feeling are the result of a chemical defect in my brain and not "real." And knowing that those feelings aren't real is roughly 0% effective at making them go away. Yes, I know I'm crazy. No, I do not wish to be crazy. That does not make me any less crazy. And it sucks.
There are things you can do, of course. Intensive exercise can blunt the symptoms. So can drinking a lot of water, engaging in social activity with friends, and other things. Medication can also help, though I personally am not medicated at the moment. Collectively, I would say all of these things have about a 50% chance of being 50% effective -- a coin-flips odds that I'll reduce the severity of the episode by about half. The other half of the time, you just have to wait for it to go away on its own. They're a bit more effective if used preemptively. Getting a lot of exercise reduces the odds of an episode happening in the first place, as does generally keeping your social life in good order.
Of course, the best thing you can do is find out what triggers you, and avoid that thing. But that's not always easy. For instance, my boss being passive-aggressive with me is a pretty consistent trigger. It's not the worst, because the episodes it sets off are quite mild, but it will almost always set one off that will last for a few hours. So in theory, I should avoid situations where my boss will decide snippy sarcasm is the best form of employee feedback. Unfortunately, my boss is a raging asshole, and... well. Job market these days. I'm looking for other work, but it's tough, and not likely to fix itself soon. And it's not always just bad situations you can't get out of. Sometimes, a trigger can be something you enjoy.
Alcohol makes depression worse, Berry. It's time to quit!
And that brings us to writing. I love writing! But right now, there's something about writing that makes the defective part of my brain want to choke itself to death. I love thinking of ponyfic ideas, outlining them, and getting all fired up to write some A-grade horsewords. But no sooner do I sit down then I feel that minor creeping headache that indicates something bad is about to happen. And then, it does. Over the last few months, I've marked off a lot of weekends to do nothing but write ponyfic, and the end result has been a lot of weekends doing nothing but lying in bed curled into a ball.
So, yeah! That's about it. The quick summary of my experiences and why for the time being, ponyfic is not a thing that's likely to happen for me. I've picked up some other hobbies that are less mentally taxing, and that keeps me in good form. Hopefully, when I get a little less stress in my life -- change jobs, sort out romance worries, etc -- I'll be able to come back to it. Or perhaps stress has nothing to do with it, and one day my brain will just decide that that's not a trigger anymore, the same way it one day suddenly decided it was. I'm hoping so, because I really miss you guys. And in the meanwhile, at least I'm around. Blogging like this when I can.
Hey, we're still here for you.
I'm sorry to hear that you're being hit hard by this; good luck.
This describes a lot of what I go through. I'm currently looking for a job after I was let go and even doing the dishes is a chore. No matter how much I try to motivate myself, that apathy still only goes away when it feels like it. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I hope it lets up soon.
I've had mild clinical depression for as long as I can recall. And thats going back a looong time. I'm not as bad as I was as a teen. Though somedays it's all one can do to keep moving. Keeping busy or finding something to lose myself in is the only thing to keep the depression managable. Its actually a defining characteristic of who I am, and thats a bit messed up.
I ran across this tumblr post that sums that up scontent.ford1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12974544_1765935896961995_7167891004704647790_n.jpg?oh=08b8cc07687cba361489240fe0a06182&oe=57B85D2B
Thank you for writing about this and describing so well what depression feels like. I have depression, although mine isn't stress-triggered episodes, though stress does make it worse and sometimes bring on bouts of it. I'd say I'm more the person whose depression varies day to day and hour to hour, though I can go through much longer periods of bad depression or basically no depression. I'm also very strongly affected by the amount of sunlight (Seasonal Affective Disorder, but turned up--I'll be depressed on a rainy gray day but it'll fade when the sun comes out and everything is bright again). I agree that apathy is the predominant emotion, but I'd also throw out hopelessness, despair, and self-hate as other emotions that often turn up. I have a number of medical problems besides depression and I've spent years taking courses and going to therapy and workshops and stuff to learn how to manage my conditions, because medication alone is not effective enough for me. Believe me, I've tried.
...
This isn't supposed to be a rant about my troubles. I'm actually really close to finally getting my Associate's Degree (next month!) after years and years of struggle and effort. So that's great! I'm getting much closer to my goal of being a functional member of society. ANYWAYS, the point is, thank you for being so open about this and educating others. Depression is a big deal and few people actually understand it.
People are constantly changing as they age, so maybe as you get older you'll change some and these episodes will happen less often and won't be as bad. Also, if it's something that appeals to you, religion helps some people deal with such things. There's someone called Yuttadhammo who's on YouTube who I'm quite fond of, so some of his ideas could help you. But if that doesn't appeal to you that's fine too.
Man that is a bummer. I can't personally understand what you'e going through, but I can say I think most of us can see how difficult that is, and we are happy to wait for you to come around. Good luck!
Been there. Semi-constantly hovering on the edge of there myself. You're not alone, and I hope this knowledge helps somewhat.
You know the older I get the more my ADHD symptoms look like depression symptoms, especially the whole "I should do this thing, but I don't feel like doing it, oh well" mentality that both conditions produce.
As far as having ideas and outline but struggling on the actual writing, maybe you need a collaboration partner.
Good luck!
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Thanks you two. Appreciate it.
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I really would suggest behavioral ways of treating it. Intensive exercise has worked particularly well for me. Running until you feel ready to fall over does a lot to temporarily relieve the symptoms.
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Yeah... me too. For me, depression showed up as an early teen, so I don't have too much idea what I'm like without it. It's really influenced my writing as well -- themes of futility and apathy in Siren Song and others. There's a Søren Kierkegaard quote I quite like that sums up my mixed feelings on it: "Depression has been my most faithful mistress throughout the whole of my life. Is it any wonder I return the love?"
I know your pain. God how I know it.
But for me, it's more of a "why am I so fucking useless" thing.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Thank you for posting this. I should tell you, I get self-hate, despair, and lethargy as well. I didn't mention them in the post because, well, A it's already long enough. But B, they're not what I consider the core of it. In the TV Show that is depression, they're frequent guest stars, but aren't the host. Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I feel an overwhelming lack of energy, but the apathy is always there.
And S.A.D. is a wretched bitch of a disease. You have my sympathies. I have a blood pressure disorder that can also act as a trigger, and it sucks to have something as random as the weather or the altitude throw your emotions out of alignment.
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Hopefully it will change as I get older! We'll see. But religion is not really an option for me. I'm a rather staunch atheist.
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Thanks, man. :)
I'm glad you shared this, GaP, though I hate hearing it. I've seen what depression does, through friends and ER rooms and half-hyperventilating sobs. Speaking honestly you're probably in the majority here on fimfic, so you're surrounded by friends at least. That's a low blow about your writing--life always seems to know how to hit you in the personal spots.
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No! How would that help? Now I know that a writer I like is terribly afflicted. Everything is awful now!
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw10621-I_like_you.png
Ahem, more seriously, thank you. I'm sorry to hear you also struggle with emotional troubles, but I'm glad you reached out. And hey, maybe I'll see you at Bronycon this year? :)
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I get that too. Self-hate is a frequent guest star on this program.
Thanks for writing about this. The more I hear about depression, the more wide and diverse it's effects and symptoms. (I "think" I can relate. But in reality we all face our own challenges that are impossible to compare to each other)
I can't exactly get you a "get well soon" card. Because it's not the kind of condition that really goes away. But I hope that you get to do the things you want to do. And that you'll treat yourself kindly regardless of when things do/do not happen when you would prefer they would.
Gah, triggered depression sounds like it sucks even worse than the usual crap I suffer through. I also haven't really pushed the not eating or drinking aspect beyond 'fuck it, delivery it is.'
That said when mine gets really bad trips to the bathroom tend to get right down to the wire and I pat myself on the back if I make it out of bed, even to just wander the apartment aimlessly for 2 minutes.
Thankfully I'm so used to it that I can just force myself to 'act normal' for work. I might want nothing more than to just crawl into bed and ignore myself and the world around me (usually with a book/story I've already read because reading anything new would be too good for me) but to the general public happy, cheerful and actually one of the most entertaining guards to interact with. Unless you're a buddy of mine though co-workers tend to avoid me. The cost of that is me having a short temper for stupidity or heaven forbid a co-worker does something dangerous or flat out illegal like taking a bribe.
Long and short of it for me?
I can force myself to behave normal but it just makes me feel worse about myself, nor can I afford the drugs for it with how work has been treating me this year.
The way you've described it I'm sarting to think I might've been living with some seriously undiagnosed shit for a reeeeal long time...
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Best princess makes everything better! And yes, I hope to be out in Baltimore again this year. Hope I see you there too!
Man, that sucks. I can relate to a degree, with (thankfully not that frequent) triggered episodes of apathy, inadequacy, and self-loathing. I wish you the best of luck with improving your situation!
It sure does, bro. :B It sure does.
As somepony who has dealt with depression for her entire adult life, don't eschew medication. See a doctor immediately and keep trying something until you find a med that works for you. There are other things you can do but medication is the most important because it is the most successful vector.
It is good to hear from you again. I hope things get better for you with the job and stuff soon.
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Thanks man, I appreciate it. It's really hard to rank these things -- like you said, it's a spectrum, not a discreet disorder -- but I feel like I've been luckier than most. While it used to suck a lot all the time (and still does suck a lot occasionally), I've had the means to get treatment, I'm a mostly functional member of society anyway, and I have a good support network. Need to focus on the good stuff when it comes.
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Yeah, bad real life circumstances can really make things ten times worse -- they not only worsen the symptoms, but limit your ability to deal with it.
Have you tried intensive exercise? For me that does wonders.
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Not impossible. I went undiagnosed for nearly three years after I started displaying severe symptoms. Get checked out?
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Thanks, man.
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You a'aight.
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I'm trying to avoid medication for now until I've depleted the non-medication based therapeutic options -- and yes, I'm seeing a therapist now. But if that doesn't provide an effective cure, I'll try medication, yes.
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Thanks, man. And it's good to hear from you too! I really regret not being as active on FiMFic as I used to be. I miss you guys.
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Strongly worded advice: please don't wait. Combination therapy is significantly more likely to be effective than trying them individually, and most antidepressants take a couple of weeks to start working.
Sweetheart, I'm behind you, always. I know I can't always help during these times for you, but I'll always be there to try.
3878368 My job involves standing or walking for up to 20 hours depending on what's going on. Physical altercations are also sometimes involved.
I won't lie, if I didn't love my job things would be much harder for me. But I love my job... and when things get REALLY bad for me the thought that my job can be high risk does actually help.
Nothing keeps you going like knowing you're irreplaceable... until you're replaced.
lots of open relatability ITT
It feels like holding open an iron maiden that's constantly trying to be pushed closed on you. Eventually you stop trying to keep it open. You start to relish the idea of just being obliterated. The sadness sets in when you've given up, fully skewered, and you're still not fucking dead. you still have to open your eyes every day and people still exist and you have to go through every motion with so little sincerity to your disposition, but just enough that nobody will bother you. It spins from momentary, as you put it, "fuck it" decisions to full blown existential dread. Not content with internal struggle, shit tumbling from on high isn't much a remedy, and it can feel even after some things are resolved they still nag at you, no relief about dodging a bullet or getting out of a jam, just a constant reminder of be tangled up in the trapeze net, it's still a failure to perform.
I used to feel that quite a bit more than I do now, though the difference is so drastic that I frequently have a hard time remembering what it's like after the fact. Which is good, I guess. Every now and then something will happen to remind me of pieces of it, like digging up an old newspaper article, or going through some old emails, or certain annual events.
Or that.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization
Maybe you recognize this? I used to get it around ten times a day, maybe for about fifteen minutes at a time. Wikipedia says it's where the world seems unreal, but I think it's more accurate to say that it's where context and meaning have to be consciously grafted onto the things you perceive.
There was a very distinct and very memorable point that marked end of my perpetual depression. I still remember the moment, on the order of a second, where my mind just snapped, and all of a sudden I felt really, really okay. In the months leading up to it, I went a bit over the deep end with very heavy and constant sleep deprivation, ignoring friends, skipping job interviews, ignoring [undergrad] exams, and so on. In the hours leading up to it, I was 100% refined pine nuts, but—
Have you tried deliberately lying in bed curled into a ball? No music, and nothing else to pay attention to. I know it doesn't sound productive or healthy, but maybe some time to shut off all expectations and catch up with your thoughts for ten or so (consecutive, waking) hours would do some good.
I find it useful to think of my brain as sometimes wanting things that conscious-I don't care for, and giving it those things seems to make me stable. Then again, you seem to be a lot more self-aware than I ever was depressed, so you might have already thought of this.
— in the end, there was nothing really wrong with indulging in a little crazy for a short while.
i agree.
What you should totally do is just channel that into depressing pony fanfics ala shortskirts. I remember Sapidus3 had a pretty bad case of it and disappeared for a long time only to come back and made a blog about it and even wrote a fic about it. Sadly he went awol again. Hope he's ok
Hang in there mate.
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iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/129753%20-%20animated%20big_macintosh%20cheerilee%20nuzzle.gif
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Uh, trigger warning? Label your posts, man. My trigger is hearing about other people's triggers.
I couldn't think of a reply that wasn't sad so I went with the above joke instead.
Yeah. I don't get this as often as I used too -- it used to be a weekly thing. Now it's just once in awhile. I didn't even know there was a word for it! Thank you.
With my imagination? There's always something to pay attention to. It's part of why I can't meditate, ever. Can't empty my mind of all the pictures in it.
That's... how I try to view it. It's hard sometimes, in the heat of the moment.
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YES HE WILL.
I think sad responses are okay. Emotional, philosophical, and introspective posts are generally okay.
I'm out of on-topic things to say, so I'm just going to dump something I would have said if you wrote half-related story or blog post.
This was a conversation I had with a friend that didn't think we had recursively self-improving intelligence yet. I think I could have turned that into a decent letter. I kind of spoiled the punchline, but I might write it anyway someday.