Chapter 1: Making Sense
NOTE WRITTEN BY THE EDITOR: This, obviously, is the first chapter of my story, A Night In Equestria To Remember. If you've not yet read the prologue, I highly encourage you to do so. After you're done reading and hopefully reviewing that, feel free to do the same to this. Any comments at all would be appreciated. Thanks! -Wyatt
After having been unconscious for most of the afternoon, Evan once again awoke. This time, however, he didn’t find himself on the ground. To his delight, he was laying on a comfortable bed. Or at least what he thought was a bed. He sat upright, and found himself lying on what looked like a large cloud, which was precariously suspended over a large town 200 or so feet below him.
“What the hell?” He asked himself quietly.
Not even 2 seconds after having questioned his location, he heard a soft voice from far behind him. He turned around only to find what looked like a massive factory with a rainbow coming out of it, built atop a cloud which was also of very considerable size. Evan had no idea what was happening, or how it was happening, but he feared the worst. The sun was just rising over the horizon, but the beautiful scene was interrupted by a large rainbow-colored streak across the sky, similar to that of a jet plane. At this point, it wouldn’t have irked him in the slightest, but the streak was charging directly at him.
As the bolt neared closer, Evan became more and more anxious. He cowered in fear as he was approached by a light blue creature. His eyes were still recovering from gazing at the sun, but it appeared that the creature was…
“A pegasus?”
Evan was merely thinking these words, but they had slipped out of his mouth, and left him staring, puzzled, at the blue pony.
“Are you serious?” Evan exclaimed, this time on purpose. “I don’t even kn-“
“Not so fast!” The blue pony spoke with a female voice. She put her hoof up to Evan’s mouth and ceased his speaking. Evan’s eyes widened. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, but we’ve never seen anything like you around here. Although it sounds like you’ve seen us, huh?” She removed her hoof from his lips.
“You can talk? Seriously? Equines don’t usually say much where I’m from…”
“You know what? I think you’re about as weirded out as I am right now” Said the pegasus “So I’m gonna get you somewhere where ponies might know who or what you are.”
“Well I sure know what I am…” said Evan.
The pegasus didn’t reply, nor even hint that she was listening to Evan at all.
He had just about conquered his fears and paranoia, but was still having trouble comprehending the idea of talking flying ponies. He decided he would let time take care of that part. These creatures seemed intelligent, and they spoke his language, too.
“Wait…” Evan said softly “What’s your name?”
“I don’t wanna get too personal right now, guy. I just gave you a bed and a good night’s sleep. I’m gonna take you somewhere else. We can talk there.”
Evan’s mind was still racing, but he had no reason not to trust this… thing. She seemed intelligent and capable, and he was actually quite eager to see where she was going to take him.
“You lead the way, pony.”
As quick as a flash, the Pegasus swooped Evan up and carried him across the sky above a small town. Evan wasn’t deathly terrified of heights, but being carried by a pegasus made his legs numb, and his stomach nauseous. Neither of them said a word. Evan opened his mouth to speak, but he closed it, knowing that the pegasus didn’t really want to talk. They were gliding just below the clouds, and Evan’s view of the town below was crystal clear thanks to the Sun finally rising completely. It was a nice, quiet, peaceful looking little village. After a short flight, the two landed at what looked like merely a tree. A very large tree, but a tree nonetheless. As the pegasus landed, Evan noticed a door on the tree, and a balcony up above it. He hesitated to open the door, but the pegasus gestured for him to do so. So he did. As the door opened, the pegasus yelled.
“Twilight! Special delivery!”
“Come on in, you two!” Called another female voice from inside the treehouse.
“You heard her, go on in!” Said the blue pegasus in a significantly more chipper tone than before.
The two walked into the tree and were greeted by another pony. This time, however, it was purple. And it had a horn.
“You have unicorns too?” Evan asked in a flat, unimpressed tone of voice.
“He seems pretty familiar with what we are, Twilight.” The blue pegasus told the unicorn. “Any ideas on him?”
“I’m right here, you know!” Evan exclaimed angrily. “You could just ask!”
“He’s right, Rainbow. You’re hardly giving him any room to talk!” Said the purple unicorn. “And now that I think about it, now seems like a pretty good time for introductions!” The unicorn said, happily.
“I’m Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?”
Still struggling to grasp the idea of a society of ponies who spoke fluent English and had human social skills, Evan managed to say his name out loud.
“Evan… my name’s Evan Thorson.”
“Good to meet you Eva-“
“AND I’M RAINBOW DASH, THE FASTEST FLYER IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA.”
“Oh and you’re so modest, too, Rainbow.” replied Twilight. “I know how much you love to-“
“Hey, girls, sorry to interrupt, but… what’s Equestria?”
Rainbow Dash’s mouth opened in surprise and disgust, but Twilight shot her a dirty look, and her facial positions returned to neutral.
“Equestria is our world. We don’t know where you came from, but we’d like to hesitate in talking about your kind until we get some other ponies over here to listen. Is that okay?”
“It’s your call, Twilight. You seem like you know what you’re doing. I’d be glad to wait up.” Said Evan.
“Oh, waiting shmaiting, Twilight! Some two-legged Equestrian speaking thing shows up in Ponyville and you want to wait?”
“Rainbow, I know you’re impatient, but Evan has no idea about anything here at all! We should let him rest and get his bearings while AJ, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy get over here!
“But Twi! We ne-“
“GIRLS!” Evan shouted, ending the argument. “I appreciate the concern from both of you, but I feel like some explanations are in order!”
Twilight looked at him with a gentle, comforting expression on her face.
“All in due time, Evan. All in due time…”
Twilight guided Evan up a set of stairs into a bed and sat him down.
“I promise, I’ll explain it all soon.”
Twilight smiled at him and walked back downstairs. Evan was doing his best to eavesdrop, and he overheard the two of them talking about getting a spike. He was worried now. What were they going to do to him? He didn’t want to question or harass these creatures which had been nothing but accommodating to him. Even after having heard the door open and the ponies leave, he simply stayed upstairs and waited…
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This was so bad it gave me cancer.
218391 I AM GONNA CRY NOW.
I was thinking about giving you constructive criticism, but I don't think any amount of construction would help you in the least bit. My suggestion, completely think over your stories before you post them, and please edit them as well.
218427
218472 You mean, edit for grammar mistakes?
Edit as in, completely destroy this story and start from scraps, and just in case you think I am just being an asshole intentionally. I assure you I am not. This isn't the first cheesy adventure story I've seen on this site and it may not be the worst, but it's borderline.
Story: 3/10
Dialogue: 7/10
Presentation: 2/10
I am a very tough critic and I often review stories on ponychan's fanfic section. Don't feel like a failure though, most people I review get low scores. The only story I have ever read that has exceeded a score of 8.0 was Rainbow Factory.218480
218503 Is there anything in particular that you think I should change? I'm not going to get all butthurt over someone saying that my story's bad, but it's a little difficult to make specific changes to something that's simply "So bad it gave me cancer."
TL;DR: Besides starting over, what do you think I should do?
218796 I see that you aren't tracking, but I hope that you'll check on the next chapter I upload, which I'm trying to have meet your expectations. You seem to know a lot more about writing than most people I've met. Online or IRL.
I don't need to track to keep my tabs on you! I am watching, remember that!
218809
218847 Oh, and I forgot to ask. Are you from FJ?
Yes, but you'll never find out who I am.
218857
218887 Inb4 babyseaturtles.
Go ahead and check.218904
218907 I've no reason not to believe that that's you.
It used to be before I changed my name 10 times.218921