Dusk Falls

by Lyreaxiose

Bad Dreams

Phantom images of the Swarm, from some strange abyss in her mind, infest her mind that night. She is standing before a large mound. It's a chaotic mixture of building materials laid out by some eye which saw neither order nor aesthetics as anything of importance.

Dusk feels compelled to walk forwards towards the Hive. She climbs to a narrow hole dug into the Earth. There is a chattering in her brain that tugs her deeper.

As she descends, the light of day slowly fades into nothing. Her eyes can perceive only thin pinpricks of cool, green light. She nears close to the source of one pair, and, as she sticks a hoof out to identify its source, it skitters away into the darkness. Dusk reels back in revulsion at the realization of the source of this light. All around they stare, blinking in and out of sight. Still she marches on; her body pays no attention to her rising panic.

Finally, there is light, but Dusk wishes there was none when she first glimpses the dark form before her in the center of the chamber. A black monster reaching 20 feet into the air sits in the center of the room. There is a large, semi-opaque sack attached to its back which stretches the length of the room. In its jaw, it munches upon some unfortunate animal; the bones occasionally fall to the ground from the Things mouth.

It reaches out to Dusk with a leg covered in thick hairs. Dusk attempts to turn and run, but she finds her body still won't respond. She watches, completely paralyzed, as the sharp limb rises high above her head before beginning a downward sweep. Her hearts feel as if it will soon burst. A hair strokes her horn, and she wakes.

Pan is there, patting her mane as she wakes shaking uncontrollably, her chest heaving. There is no light coming in through the window except the distant flames of the watch. She notices a pale light above her bed. Her pillow is floating. There are books sprawled over the ground. Aurora is sleeping, thankfully.

She turns to Pan and asks the time. He tells her it's close to one. She thanks him and gets out of bed. Using her magic, she quickly tidies the room up once more and makes for the door. Pan starts to follow.

"No."

She cuts him off, and closes the door behind her. She approached her twelfth day in Tundragrov. In that time, Aurora had introduced her to many ponies including Glidell and Stone Works, the Earth pony under Faircraft. Dusk at first figured it would be wise to cast a wide net, but found it exhaustive work. She settled on Aurora, Glidell, and Stone Works, as their position made it the most prudent choice. It didn't seem to bother most ponies, as they rarely came back to speak with her twice.

Dusk finds the door to the Library. It was open, thankfully, at all hours. She lets herself in and combs the sections of history, zoology, and, finally, mythology. There, in a book of mythological creatures, she finds what she searches for. She takes the book to a table lit by a mote of flame suspended in the air.

"Thumophage: Devourer of Desires"

A drawing of a grotesque beast appears under the title. The description is brief, saying that the creatures are found in the most inhospitable parts of the world and that they received their name from the fatigue and emotional numbness which is associated with their presence.

It says that some explorers have seen ponies willingly present in their company, but all attempts to converse with them has revealed, universally, a stark madness and desire to defend the Thumophage. The few separated from the Swarm have all died shortly thereafter from starvation or thirst, refusing any sort of food or water.

Dusk begins to close the book. She pauses for a moment to stare at the image. She feels her heart race slightly as her eyes widen. There's fear mixed with a trace of excitement. The cover slams down. From her gut rises a feeling of disgust when she thinks too long upon her actions just then. Dusk replaces the tome and extinguishes the flame before leaving.

She returns to her room where Pan is sleeping in a chair next to her bed. He must of passed out waiting for me, she thought, how sweet. Lowering her head, she nuzzles him and crawls into bed. The dragon scratches himself. It draws a warm smile out of Dusk. She goes to sleep with that same smile and wakes with it several hours later.

Pan greets her with breakfast,

"You're looking a lot better. Sleep well after your little midnight stroll?"

"Hmm, oh, yeah. A lot better. I feel a lot more refreshed today than I have lately."

"Great, let's hope you can keep that up until this weekend."

"Why this weekend? What do you have planned?"

"It's not me. I got a response from Faircraft."

"Really? Show me."

Pan takes out a small letter with a broken seal. He clears his throat and begins to read:

"To Lady Dusk Crystal of Canterlot, you are Cordially invited... to the residence of Lady High Society...15th."

"So, she actually invited us? It seems Stone Works was right about Faircraft, she has some strange friends in this city."

"Even unicorns have need of craftsmen and bankers. And they all answer to Faircraft in this town."

"I suppose. Anyway, I'll need to get ready. Pan, could you send a letter to Stone Works and grab Glidell? I'll need to go to town today and pick out a dress."

"On it, my Lady."

He bows and rushes out the door.

Dusk rises from bed and walks to the window. She gazes off into the distance where Gale pointed. She feels a slight sense of apprehension before that familiar disgust comes back and forces her to look away.

"Ugh, I can't stand those filthy insects."

Levitating her glass towards her, she drains the water inside and slams it back down. It's time to prepare for the day. An hour later, she is at the front gate with Glidell and Stone Works. A carriage pulls up and they get in. It takes them into the winding streets of Tundragrov towards the market district. Stone Works passes the time by pointing out various businesses, who owns them, and gossip about the owners.

"That pony was seen just last week with this pony together in park. That other pony is about to lose all of his money to liquor and gambling."

It seems as if he never shuts up. He is a strongly built pony with a marble column for a cutie mark. He was as refined in manner and appearance as the column was on his cutie mark.

The carriage stops before a small boutique. Stone Works leads them inside where a thin pony greets Stone as an old friend. She shows the trio around her shop before pushing Dusk behind a curtain to have her measurements taken. There are birds inside which assist the owner in her task. Finally satisfied, Dusk is shooed out as quickly as she is taken in.

The pony tells her,

"Come back in three days, and I shall have your dress ready. Don't worry, I know what these unicorns like."

Outside, they meet three unicorn mares. They look from Glidell, a sneer, to Stone Works, a chuckle, to Dusk, fully laughing now. They toss a bit at Dusk before continuing on their way.

Dusk picks the bit out of the snow and furrows her brows.

"What was that?"

"They think you're trash. They were mocking us with their gold."

Glidell wings tremble and rise slightly. She is about to chase after them when Stone Works steps in front of her.

"We're better than that, Dell. The carriage is here, let's return Dusk to the Academy."

Glidell sinks, but her wings continue to shake. She looks Stone in the eyes before entering the carriage. Dusk follows, and Stone Works climbs in last. He shuts the door, and the they take off under a heavy silence. Stone is the first to break it.

"I'm sorry, Dusk."

"It feels colder. They warned me, but I didn't think some of the ponies would be so difficult."

"Things are grim."

"Yeah. If this is the norm, there can't be much time left."

Dusk stares out the window at the passing street. On the surface, everything appears so ideal, but Dusk was beginning to understand what lies at the city's heart. The carriage reaches the Academy Gates and lets Dusk off.

She turns to Glidell.

"Are you coming?"

She looks at Stone

"Stone and I wanted to spend some time together. I'll catch you tomorrow, okay?"

"Ah, well,"

Dusk feels stupid,

"Have fun, you two."

"Thanks, we will."

The door closes and the carriage takes off back towards town. Dusk suddenly feels a sinking loneliness. A wind cuts through her and drives her into the warmth of the Academy.

She seeks Aurora out in the commons, but finds only a handful of unicorns hard at work in their studies. Dusk decides not to bother them. Instead, she decides to sleep early tonight. Hopefully, there would be no more nightmares.

Luck abandons her tonight.

She finds herself again in that chamber. The monster is there, but ignores her now. She hears voices throughout the Hive. It creates a maddening chorus which she tries to block out by covering her ears. Only upon covering her ears does she realize the sound is in her head.

The monster turns towards Dusk and speaks to her. Dusk is drawn to stand before it. It again raises one of its limbs, but, this time, it picks her up into the air. It carriers her towards it mouth. She struggles to get loose, but the grip just tightens until she can no longer breath. The four jaws open and she is forced inside. Dusk sees the light go out as the monster closes its mouth. Then, the teeth begin to tear into her and the first bone cracks.

Comments

[horizon]

Welcome to FIMFic, and congratulations on your first story!

It caught my attention because of the premise. Historical dramas/origin stories are rarer and more of a gamble to write, because (aside from a few alicorns and villains and in-show name-drops) history is a big blank slate filled with OCs. You're being ambitious. That's good.

I found it slightly disappointing, then — and this is just my personal reaction; I'm genuinely ambivalent about whether it's good or bad for the story — that your heroine is such a close copy of Twilight Sparkle. (The name, the personality, the dragon hatched from the egg, the Celestial mission to go make friends, etc.) It puts the reader back on familiar ground, and it sets up a certain set of implications and expectations. If we're reading about Long Ago Kinda-Twilight, then we naturally should expect to meet the Long Ago Kinda-Elements of Harmony … and we don't. (We don't even see any of the characters from the Hearth's Warming play, which surprises me a little.) Dusk meets a unicorn who's closer to Pinkie than Rarity, and the story's not far enough along yet for her earth pony and pegasus friends to show strong personality traits.

You could go two ways with this to strengthen the story. You could play up the parallels even more, and make this a clear case of history repeating. Or you could kick the expectations away and make it clear from the beginning that this is nothing like the show's origin story. Personally, I think the story would be better served doing that, but as I said, running with OCs can be risky for readership. You have to establish strong and memorable characters early when you do.

These City Walls is a great example of good OC characterization; we see vividly what they're like under pressure. Despite my personal dislike of Dusk being a Twilight expy, your characterization of her in Chapter 1 after she meets with Celestia (and is looking for ways out of her mission) is also memorable; more of that, please! Gale is also fairly strongly characterized, because for the short amount of page time you give him, his goals and attitudes come through strongly. Aurora, to some extent. The others Dusk interacts with … not so much. We haven't seen what's important to them yet. Put them under pressure, and raise the stakes.

However, all of that may be a distraction if this is at its heart a story about Dusk and the Hive. (Is it? Do the ponies of Tundragrov ultimately play any role in that? I genuinely don't know, after reading three chapters.) You've got a great mythology building up, and dark dream sequences with a lot of potential — which I'd appreciate more if it weren't feeling like it were in collision with a totally unrelated story about Kinda-Twilight and the Kinda-Elements. A little editing and focus could help clarify what's important to the story, right from the start; and if it all is, then maybe we could get some hints that the two separate stories are woven together. (Dusk sees the other ponies in her dream? One of her friends disappears on a mission to the north?)

Anyway, there's clear potential here. If it was nothing but the thaumophage* stuff, for instance, you'd have the makings of some quality horror. There are moments of good characterization, and like I said, you're clearly ambitious with your basic premise. I think you have some excellent stories in you, but this particular one is going to need some polish to shine.

Best,

Horizon

--
* Technically, from the Greek word root, that would be a magic-eater; thaumos means "miracle" and is often associated with spellcasting (as in the word thaumaturgy).

[Lyreaxiose]

2447948
First, thank you for responding and giving such detailed insight. I didn't start writing this with the expectation that it would be the best story, especially considering this is my first, but I wanted to write it down. Your feedback, I feel, will help me in the future, and it has given me a new perspective on the story that I desperately needed.

Yes, I was going for a parallel story to Twilight's. I hadn't really considered using the Elements, but that is something I'm now considering putting into the story. I have a general outline planned out with an ending already set, but I've been a lot more meandering in how I made it there.

I agree I haven't given some characters the time they deserve. After writing the first two chapters, I noticed a heavy use of dialog which I felt slowed things down a little too much, and I worried it might bore any potential reader too much to continue if I dwelt upon every character. During my planning sessions, I've actually considered several times to brush over the details of Dusk's time in the city and come back later, with a set of side stories, to flesh out her times there. The only thing which has kept me from this is that it wouldn't be good for the story if Dusk was suddenly in the company of several allies with no build up of what made them friends in the first place. I'll make sure, now, to give them more attention in the future.

As for the Hearth's Warming Eve characters, in my head, they were going to be a past event entering the territory of legend. I took away from the episode that they predated the split between Celestia and Luna by a long while. They'll probably pop up as they defeated the windigo in the past, but they won't be living characters.

I haven't really gone into how the Thaumophage will ultimately tie in, but I plan on weaving the stories together. It's not something I want to go into detail with yet.

The name Thaumophage was a rough creation on my part. I didn't like the sound of more properly translated terms, and wanted something besides the Swarm to identify them as.

If I might ask, what is your opinion on the prose? I've worried a lot about the pacing, the diction, and the structure. But, I'm especially worried I might be focusing too much on telling. I actually went into the third chapter determined to use very little dialog. I sort of lost the momentum towards the end, I felt. Does it flow well to you? Are there any glaring things you see which you think I should fix? I've been trying to use the present tense as I found it gives a little more to the action.

Anyway, thank-you again for your opinion, and I hope to receive more of such a constructive caliber in my time here at fimfiction.

[horizon]

> I'm especially worried I might be focusing too much on telling.
Oh man, show vs. tell is a minefield. Here's some thoughtful reading on the topic.

I think you're right, Chapter 3 did seem weaker. Telling's at the root of that, but telling isn't automatically bad. My rule of thumb for show vs. tell is that showing draws attention to what you're describing, and telling pulls attention away.

Let me pull a random passage out that's almost 100% tell, and see if that illuminates where it might be most useful fixing it:

She turns to Pan and asks the time. He tells her it's close to one. She thanks him and gets out of bed.

Bad tell. Summarizing dialogue via telling is extremely rare. If the conversation's that unimportant (and here I think it is), then skip it entirely. If there's vital information in an otherwise unimportant conversation, then tell what she learned rather than abstracting individual dialogue lines. ("It was 1 o'clock when she got out of bed.")

Using her magic, she quickly tidies the room up once more and makes for the door.

Good tell. Describing the act of cleaning would distract from your story; it doesn't advance the overall plot.

Pan starts to follow. "No." She cuts him off, and closes the door behind her.

Hard to say. "No" is your only dialogue in this entire section. As such, it draws a lot of attention to itself. I feel like there should be more conversation here if you're actually going to show them speaking. If you didn't show at all, the telling would probably be fine, but again, if it doesn't advance your overall plot it's probably best to wipe the whole thing out and skip to the parts that do.

She approached her twelfth day in Tundragrov.

Good tell.

In that time, Aurora had introduced her to many ponies including Glidell and Stone Works, the Earth pony under Faircraft.

Bad, bad tell. If you're going to include the "Dusk and the Kinda-Elements" arc at all, then these are integral characters to the plot. Spend time on them.

Dusk at first figured it would be wise to cast a wide net, but found it exhaustive work. She settled on Aurora, Glidell, and Stone Works, as their position made it the most prudent choice.

Okay tell, with caveats. The "show" alternative to the first sentence is having her talk to a lot of ponies unimportant to the plot, which would drag down your story. However, the exposition that she settled on her Kinda-Element Friends could be made through dialogue, or simply implied by the fact that you're showing us her conversations with them but nobody else.

It didn't seem to bother most ponies, as they rarely came back to speak with her twice.

You know, I think I changed my mind. Having her talk to unimportant ponies could actually be useful here. Showing her talking to city leaders or important folks once, and then having her try to talk to them again without success, could build up tension, give you opportunities for exposition of the city's status, and build up a sense of isolation. Then when we meet the ponies who talk to her more than once, we know right away they're special.

Anyway, when your instinct tells you that you're rushing through a chapter, you probably are. Scenes shouldn't feel rushed. If you're trying to hurry them to get to somewhere else, ask yourself why you're there at all: something that bores you to write will be boring to read. Time-skipping, or recasting the scene to pick something interesting out of it and showing that instead, are both preferable to a long string of tells.

Best,

H

[errant]

This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society

Story Title: Dusk Falls

Author: Lyreaxiose

Reviewed by: Errant

Dusk Falls intends to be almost a prequel to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It follows another of Celestia’s young students’ efforts to make friends in order to avert disaster at the northern city of Tundragrov, accompanied by her own draconic assistant. Set fairly soon after the incident with Nightmare Moon, the setup is perfect for a gripping story exploring the power of the magic of friendship throughout history. Unfortunately, the story is badly hampered by problematic writing, pacing and other mistakes.

Full Review

Score: 5/10

[Lyreaxiose]

2801002
Thank you for your review. I'll be going back to try and fix the bad parts you've mentioned.