Ninjab33z
Joined 12th Apr, 2013 ·
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Does it turn ponies into Changelings?
At the very least, this needs some serious editing. As a general rule, if you've got a standalone 'I', and it's not capitalized, it's a really good sign that it's not quite fit to post. Frequently failing to put a space after punctuation is another major red flag.
Storywise, the concept kinda falls flat from the gate. I get the biblical comparison you're trying to give here, but the concept only works if ponies didn't wear clothes at all.
2470162 That was going to be the main idea but I'm planning to branch out out in a diffrerent direction from here on out.
But thanks for the help and I'll keep it in mind for the next few chapters
2470185 The massive grammar problems should probably be fixed first. First impressions are everything, after all.
2470418 Thanks for suggesting that, I had no clue it had so many errors!
Fun. I wonder how the Changelings will react?
I wonder what the butthurt was all about up there.
2553369
Friend of mine. Good guy really but can be a dick sometimes
Is it me?
2553440
yes
I have a few things to point out, even if they were pointed out previously. I keep running across occasional grammar errors here and there. Mainly concerning capitalization(names, places, etc, etc) than anything else. That's par for the course, so not a big deal. There are several groups that can and will help you with your story in that respect.
Another big point is somewhere in the middle of the story the pacing picks up incredibly and I can feel the rush of wanting to finish it. A lot of ideas and situations are created with little to no background and causes a lot of suspended belief to proliferate. I like the way you did have the story going at the beginning. There was a little less suspended belief, but infrequent compared to the second half.
One of the major hang-ups I had was that the black apple was never explained satisfactorily. It just became an excuse to banish two ponies to who-knows-where. There were others, but they pale in comparison to the titular object.
I could go on, but I won't. You started off like a novice writer, but the impression of getting lazy and rushing half the story is thick. Writing a story takes a lot of effort and some more than others. If you continue to write again, please consider aquiring some patience and learning to improve it, not let it devolve.
2858766 I'll try to sort out the rushing problem with my next story. The trouble is I have literally dozens of ideas in my head and at times it just makes me rush a bit to get it out.
As for the apple, Well i write with literally no planning and just start when an idea for the next chapter comes to me.
I know these are just excuses(and horrible ones at that) but that's all I can give along with the assurance that I'll try to improve with the next story. Thanks for the advice, though. I'll try to follow it.
2858783
A good way to do that is to have a journal or document to place your ideas. They can be as long a sentence or take pages to come across, but they don't affect what you present to your readers. At least, not until it's polished a bit.
Having ideas is something that can take one-shots and create epics. It takes time. It's not a bad thing, but too much and your writing starts sounding like a stream of consciousness and that'll put off most of your readers. I'd have difficulty with that style of writing.
2858813 Thanks for the advice. Like I said, I'll use it for my next story.
Oh I get it, equestria is eden and that apple came from the tree of knowledge.
lol Genie said some thing like that too
5967059 Bloody hell... I forgot i even had any stories on Fimfiction!
How did you find it?
Thanks for the advice. If ever i get back into writing I'll have a look and see if i can address these
On a side note, MRW i'm still getting people read my story thetvmouse.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/tumblr_mesd2zimud1rsb5yj.gif