Apples

by Ninjab33z

Wild rides and happy endings

The roller coaster cart coughed and spluttered but didn't move.
"Discord? Is this supposed to happEEEENNN!" A burst of speed took Rainbow Dash by surprise as the cart shot of into a brick wall. Everyone passed through harmlessly and came out in a completely black space. A turtle floated through the empty void with fish fishing off of it's back. It began to pull up it's catch.
"Discord," Axewing warned "We are in a rush. Stop this nonsense and just get us there."
"This is how we Draconequus travel." Discord stated matter-of-factly. "And anyway, we are on a completely different plane of existence. Time is irrelevant."
As he said this, the roller coaster cart entered the mouth of a whale but where the throat should be, there was a large garden.
The cart slowed to a crawl as thousands of sharks started jumping from the bushes.
"I swear to Celestia, I am seconds away from grabbing one of those sharks and throwing it at you." The tone of Axewing's voice sent a shiver down Discords back.
"Oh alright, It was getting boring anyway..."
Discord conjured up a remote and pressed a button. A small X32 appeared in the bottom right of everyone's view but before anyone had a chance to question it the cart began to fly off. Thousands of different things began to float past their eyes at lightning speed, including a hippo with wings, a leg with a head attached to it, and Celestia with her wings and horn switched. Within a few minutes the stopped at what looked like the exact same place they began. The only difference was that there was a large door that looked like it would be the entrance to a dining hall.

Axewing quietly pushed open the door and they found themselves inside a dimly lit hall just in time to hear a loud yell from behind them. Forgoing stealth, Discord slammed the door shut and wrenched back open to reveal the dining room that Twilight and two unknown changelings. One of which was tied down and had a long cut running down it's side.

The girls and Axewing ran to Twilight while Discord stood in shock.
"Cocoon?"
"You two know each other?" Applejack asked as Twilight fixed up her injuries, much to the confusion of the others.
"While he was in stone and my sister ruled I was the head of the recon group. I worked as a guard for the gardens. I was bored one night and I felt out with my magic and found an unusual reading. At first I thought it was a robber or maybe even one of my own but it turned out that while Discord was in stone, he was still fully conscious. I began to telepathically communicate with him and well... It got pretty intimate." While she was telling the story, Cocoon was awkwardly playing with her mane while Discord nervously wandered the room. "Please don't say you're working with them?" Cocoon's voice was strong but had a hint of pleading in it.
"Well, they offered me something I haven't had in a long time. Friendship." He smiled at Fluttershy
"And I wasn't a friend?" Cocoons eyes went wide.
Discord sighed. This was going to take a while. "I do, it's just... Oh, how do I explain it? If I was openly friends with you then there is no way I would ever be accepted back in to society but these girls, well, they're heroes." He scratched the back of his neck.
"Oh, I see." She lowered her head and Discord smirked knowing he dodged a bullet.
Or so he thought.
"It's all about reputation with you." She began to walk towards him charging a spell.
"No I... Well yes I suppose it is but I just want to be seen as a good guy for once or at least neutral. You of all people should know how that feels."
Cocoon dissipated the spell and began to speak, although she was interrupted by a flying kick.
"Rainbow dash!" Discord shouted.
"Oh, sorry. I guess I should thank you for distracting her but you could have given us a hint to show what you were doing."
Applejack laughed briefly. A serious face came over her. "Girls, as you can guess, I'm not a pony and I can understand if you never want to see me again but at least let me out the door before you attack me."
The girls ran at her and before she even had the chance to think about dodging she was coated in hugs
"Darling, we would never leave you though I don't suppose you would let me design a few dresses for changelings?"

"Sorry to break up this special moment but we are in the middle of a changeling hive." Axewing turned to the door. "And Discord? No cinematics this time please."
Discord shrugged and picked up Cocoon.
"Why are we taking her with us? She turned me in to a gibbering wreck and probably would have done the same to applejack," Twilight said, struggling to keep the anger out her voice
"That may well be true, my dear Twilight but stop and remember what I did to both you and your friends yet you still gave me a second chance" Discord smirked knowing he had trapped her in a corner.
"Um... well, I guess your right but take her straight to Princess Celestia and you're the one who is going to explain it to her."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And that's how we saved Equestria!" Pinkie triumphantly said.
Celestia smiled. "You girls seem to be doing that a lot lately."
"Yes, well I hope that Cocoon won't make us have to do it again," Twilight said
Fluttershy spoke up as much as her confidence would let her, "Discord's good at heart and I hope he passes it on to her."
"Yes and I believe he may have changed her slightly already and would have done so more, if it were not for somepony kicking her in the head," Axewing added and glanced over at Rainbow Dash who blushed and looked away.

Meanwhile down in the cells, Discord sat with Cocoon who was just beginning to wake up. She struggled to her feet and instantly regretted it as she almost collapsed before Discord managed to catch her.
"Why are you here? Don't tell me after all this that they still threw you in prison." she said and winced as her own voice caused a headache.
"No, I'm here because I want to be. The princess is willing to give you a second chance to change your ways and work with her, and seeing as I'm probably the only one you trust right now, I thought I should tell you."
"If I'm getting a second chance then why am I in prison?"
"So you don't go on a rampage right after you wake up like I did." Discord smiled, remembering the fun he had that day.
"Would... Would you still want to stay with me? Even after all I did?" As Cocoon said this, she looked up to Discord. She was on the verge of crying.
"Well I didn't really care for them really. I just wanted to save them because it would be shameful to lose to them and then they're beaten by one of my apples." Discord and Cocoon couldn't keep a straight face. "Well I better return and tell everyone the good news. Also I need to cancel the spell my apples put on Twilight and Applejack." Cocoon grabbed Discord's hand with her magic.
"You always were a horrible liar," She smiled and hugged him. "But if you really want me to I will try to change." Discord returned the hug and they both stood there in silence.

Author's Note:

Sorry this has taken so long. A mix of exams, writers block, a festival, and a newfound love for my Gamecube have made me forget about it for a while.
Well this is it, the end of my first story. Any advice/slip ups that are pointed out would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

[Aatxe360]

I have a few things to point out, even if they were pointed out previously. I keep running across occasional grammar errors here and there. Mainly concerning capitalization(names, places, etc, etc) than anything else. That's par for the course, so not a big deal. There are several groups that can and will help you with your story in that respect.

Another big point is somewhere in the middle of the story the pacing picks up incredibly and I can feel the rush of wanting to finish it. A lot of ideas and situations are created with little to no background and causes a lot of suspended belief to proliferate. I like the way you did have the story going at the beginning. There was a little less suspended belief, but infrequent compared to the second half.

One of the major hang-ups I had was that the black apple was never explained satisfactorily. It just became an excuse to banish two ponies to who-knows-where. There were others, but they pale in comparison to the titular object.

I could go on, but I won't. You started off like a novice writer, but the impression of getting lazy and rushing half the story is thick. Writing a story takes a lot of effort and some more than others. If you continue to write again, please consider aquiring some patience and learning to improve it, not let it devolve.

[Ninjab33z]

2858766 I'll try to sort out the rushing problem with my next story. The trouble is I have literally dozens of ideas in my head and at times it just makes me rush a bit to get it out.

As for the apple, Well i write with literally no planning and just start when an idea for the next chapter comes to me.

I know these are just excuses(and horrible ones at that) but that's all I can give along with the assurance that I'll try to improve with the next story. Thanks for the advice, though. I'll try to follow it.

[Aatxe360]

2858783

A good way to do that is to have a journal or document to place your ideas. They can be as long a sentence or take pages to come across, but they don't affect what you present to your readers. At least, not until it's polished a bit.

Having ideas is something that can take one-shots and create epics. It takes time. It's not a bad thing, but too much and your writing starts sounding like a stream of consciousness and that'll put off most of your readers. I'd have difficulty with that style of writing.

[Ninjab33z]

2858813 Thanks for the advice. Like I said, I'll use it for my next story.

[Ninjab33z]

5967059 Bloody hell... I forgot i even had any stories on Fimfiction! How did you find it?
Thanks for the advice. If ever i get back into writing I'll have a look and see if i can address these

On a side note, MRW i'm still getting people read my story thetvmouse.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/tumblr_mesd2zimud1rsb5yj.gif