Dashie Mlp
Joined 10th Apr, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PresentPerfect · 5.5k words · 217 34 · 6.5k views
- Mai Oates · 1.2k words · 128 6 · 6.1k views
- Heavyhauler75622 · 91k words · 133 7 · 5.2k views
- Dustchu · 1.4k words · 112 10 · 3.1k views
- Kaylee · 3.9k words · 29 1 · 804 views
- Sam Cole · 3.1k words · 67 2 · 1.8k views
- Paton Pendeng · 4.1k words · 48 5 · 1.4k views
- Aragon · 19k words · 335 15 · 4.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.115 seconds
Total duration
961 users online
219,945 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This was alright, but, unfortunately, there were quite a few mistakes. I don't want you to feel bad about this, as not everyone can write on the same level, but I still want to point out some of the most obvious errors. This is also my first time doing something like this, so bear with me.
1 - All the changing points of view
You've covered three different points of view in this one paragraph. Second person (1) is best for writing stories where the main character is "You", or "Anon". First person (2) is where you are inside the main character's head. The oe you'd want to use for this story is third person (3), which is where you can describe multiple characters and their thoughts/actions.
A quick read through should fix this, so don't worry too much.
2 - It's Ponyville, not Pony-ville
3 - Use Quotation Marks
Before
After
I added the space between the two myself. Anyways, you'll want to ise quotation marks before and after a character is done speaking, otherwise it'll just look like part of the description of the scene is somebody talking (I may have confused myself here).
Also, you'll want to start a new paragraph when somebody else starts talking. It'll make things a lot less confusing.
Alright, I'm done. If you have anything else to ask, or would like more help in the future, don't hesitate to ask.
Hope this helps, man.
Eight times.
...Excuse me, but what the fuck am I looking at? As 3006505 pointed out the biggest errors already, I won't go into detail, but JESUS. You can't decide which POV you want, your spelling is bad, and the writing itself just makes no sense!
And another thing, the cover art is poorly made and a bit lazy.
3007341
Come on, man, at least I did it politely. No need to be a dick to someone who's really trying their best to make something that they think everyone will enjoy.
3007360 Sorry. I just have a tendency to get mad at things when there is a lot of room for improvement.
3007363
That's a rather odd thing to get angry about, but whatever, dude.
Well thank you everypony for the feedback i appreciate it very much and yes like i said this story is not good i really was just getting sick of it.I wrote it almost a year ago and completely had it different at first it had two chapters and the second chapter had Rainbowdash I deleted it. This story is poorly made and truthully i was just sick of it i spent days writing it because everytime i typed it up i messed up and used a different site then i transfered here but yeah sorry if most of you dont like this im sorry ill do alot better next time i really thank you all for the feedback it will help me improve on my future storys im debating on removing this.It is poorly done and im kinda of ashamed of it but yeah first story ever writing and it gave me many issues.Anyhoof i just wanted to thank you all and apologize for the mistakes ~Dashie
I guess i am a little bit down that my story got so much negative feedback but ill just go for a walk cool down and feel a little better and improve i kinda wanna thank you all for the feedback some i wasnt happy with but if my storys this bad i thank you ill remember this so i can improve in the future its all TRIAL AND ERROR like i said this is my first sorry if it wasnt what you were looking for i truley am i did mess this one up i just wanted to get it over with i messed up so many times writing this and was sick of seeing it Incomplete but now i see it wasnt the best idea to do this i should of kept it and worked on it sorry for that.It was just supposed to be a quick clop not a story that everypony knows it was just making me bucking mad that i had to re-write it so many times and messed it up it took me almost a year to fix this and i deserted it for months so anyhoof thanks~Dashie
3008449
Don't feel bad, though it is understandable to feel that way when you've poured a lot of effort into something. My suggestion? Everyone starts out somewhere, but there's no need to make the entire journey alone.
-Overly-Extensive Editors
-The Proofreader Group
-Looking for Editors
I'd recommend one of these fine establishments if you're in need of getting things fleshed out. They do a lot of good work around here, so don't be afraid to ask 'em for some help.
Also, don't stop writing. And don't delete this story. Use it as inspiration and with practice- well, you know what they say about practice...
Ok for all you Neigh sayers out there i have fixxed my story i stayed up all night working on it so i hope you enjoy it. I have added quotation marks and made it One POV so i really hope you like it i put alot of time and effort into it. I wanna thank all of you who helped me by teling me to keep trying thanks for the help Enjoy the story~Dashie
This is badly written. However, don't feel too bad, it is your first fanfic, I'm sure you can improve. My advice? Workshop what you write before publishing it.
I really
ed this but of course I am a major shipper of these 2 loved it
Hello! I just started the story, but, I'm going to be blunt, it needs work. I never thought I'd say this, but right from the beginning there are way too many useless details. And if I'm being completely honest the present tense feels like I'm being talked down to, which is bad.
Now I do feel bad having said this and not finishing the story yet p, but I've had to do this before so I figured why not do it again, but I digress it needs wnork, and I hate saying this, but I'm willing to help you if you so choose, just hit me up with a PM.
P.S. I only said I hate offering help because I'm not big on self-promotion.
I really just wanna say thanks again to all the advice on improvment and it will help me with future stories. Thanks for the help and for those who did like the story for those who didnt i am sorry for this. Anyhoof thanks for reading ~Dashie
I wanna say one more thing. I haven thad a chance to reread this after its been passed so i dont really know if its Terrible kinda been dealing with issues break up and well i kinda did hurry this one wasnt in an amazing mood well writing this so i really havent had a chance to read it well anyhoof i wanna ask was there really anyone who thought this was alright. I shoulda had my friend read it before i posted it but yeah i know this story isnt the best ive only been a brony for coming on two years and well a clopper for less than one so im new to this and this is my first story and i wrote it during a bad time when i wasnt thinking straight so yes i know its bad maybe not good but is there anyone who thought it was alright or no. Im just asking i feel like well bronies are growing but alot are those bronies who dont Love and Tolerate and well are kinda jerks. Just a thought i was thinking anyhoof areply or two would be lovely ~Dashie
What? no Daleks?
Alright then, I'll add one in:
"EROTIC EVENTS DETECTED FROM TARDIS! BIOLOGICAL URGES GROWING STRONGER... MUST FORNICATE! FORNICATE! FORNICAAAAATE!"
this story sounds like a kid made it.
Sorry but it was a decent story but it had quite a few errors and misspelled words,So i suggest you fix your grammar.
P.S.:i know writing can be hard but make sure you try to find someone to proofread the story before you publish it,I'm just trying to give you advice
It was alright, few Grammar errors, but no one is perfect, hell i make at least 10-20 in my stories, its no real big deal. just keep at it
This is a great fan fic and all, I know spelling and grammer can be hard. I mean hay, look at MY story. But this is Bloody annoying...I think you should go through and fix this soon!
For you an editor and proofreader is needed! *Yoda laugh*
If you change the end from heart to hearts, I'll love you forever. (not litterally, but you get what I mean)
Listen, I may not be an expert on "clop" writing, but I won't be ashamed (online) to say I've read a descent amount of clopfics. And I know how we all (clopper or not) like description in stories, or it to make total sense, look, I'm not trying to bring you down, but maybe, try a different writing style, say comedy, or random, maybe slice of life, who knows!? But I see potential, either you can try it as a terrible clop author and hope you get noticed and pitied by a popular author, or you could try a new writing style, maybe I could even edit any future work.
And also: Take Lord of Nothing's advice.
you put my nose
I love Derptor fics! And I like how you made the ending a lot! One thing I think could be improved is the POV issues. Either you're in first person or third person, but not both at once. Also, if you have Word on your computer, use that to write it out first. Once you write it out, run a spell and grammar check on it (you may need to add in the words "everypony" and such). Just a few things to work on is just the POV and the grammar as well as a few other minor things like some repetition and researching the personalities of the characters. Derpy, I can understand. She's in heat and may act differently. But as for the Doctor...well...don't quote me on this, but I believe he stays as far away from this activity as much as he is able to. I'd see him locked away somewhere or something. If you do rewrite this, make it to where he is not only locked in, but also forced. He tries to resist her but can't and he gives in. Or make it some sort of hypnosis kind of thing. That is, if it is actually Doctor WHOOVES we're talking about. As for the real cannon Doctor Hooves, make him act as if he is doing this as a form of experiment and nothing more. I saw a story like that once and it was pretty well done. Just a few little tips