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0. Prologue767 words
1. Oh, you sorry sack of crap!3,712 words
2. I've told you time and time again!4,228 words
3. I am not a racist!3,049 words
4. I am a melting pot of friendship!4,624 words
5. I'm a nice guy!!!4,142 words
6. AAAAAHHH!!!!4,075 words
7. cans.wav2,822 words
8. GIMME THE MIKE! GIMME THE MIKE!2,460 words
9. more cans.wav2,776 words
10. Oh, you just shut up in the chatroom!1,560 words
11. Just shut up!1,259 words
12. All of you in the chatroom, just shut up!2,417 words

12. All of you in the chatroom, just shut up!

Ghost, guided by Tub Guy, left the water and got himself onto the river bank. He hated being soaked wet.

Where is my beer when I need it?

"Where do you think everyone is, Ghost?" Tub Guy said in his fruity voice. He was still in the water.

"I don't know," Ghost said. "They probably think I'm dead. I should find a village or something..."

It's probably filled with colorful fruit bowls, but I've got no choice. I need to see my wife and son again, and this is the way to do it!

Ghost looked around. There was nothing in sight but forests. He never liked forests, he preferred the good ol' plains of Texas.

"Aren't you going to make a fire or something? You're soaked wet!" Tub Guy said. "Or, never mind, I like you this way. Oh my!"

"Shut up you pansy-ass fruit bowl!" Ghost said. "I don't care about a fire, I want to find everyone!"

But where are they?

The rest of the gang had been working their way up to a nearby hill, where they decided to make camp for a while. They had no idea why Ghost had dragged them here, and they had only followed him for the good ol' lulz. But with their leader gone, the team didn't know what to do and what to expect.

Equestrian Citizen had made a fire, and the rest warmed themselves around it. Nobody said anything, and the quiet made everypony just more uncomfortable.

"Uhm... what are we going to do?" Asho asked.

They could try to find him, but with the weather, that was completely impossible - not without bringing themselves into mortal danger. And it was almost certain Ghost was a goner anyway.

Suspicious Tumbleweed noticed that Asho felt disturbed. Maybe the little Mexican kid had finally noticed Ghost was missing.

"We're going to stay here for a while," she told him. "And then..."

Right. And then what, exactly?

"Can't we do something?" Asho whined. "I'm bored"

Suspicious Tumbleweed, not wanting to have the bean-and-cheese Mexican kid to whine the whole time, decided to do something. Besides, being moody and depressed the whole time wasn't fun either.

"Should we play a song?" Suspicious asked Asho.

"Oh! That sounds like fun!" Asho said.

Asho went to the wagon and grabbed a guitar that was just lying there.

"Nyaah -aah aaah! yeee! yeee!" Engineer cheered happily.

Asho gave the guitar to Suspicious, who played one small country music folk song on it.

Ghost was making his way up the hill.

"Your behind is very peculiar, Ghost, Oh my!" Tub Guy shouted from the water. Ghost ignored him but clenched his teeth. He wanted to find the rest of the gang, not concern himself with this troll terrorist.

When Ghost got up the hill, he heard a noise in the distance.

Music.

It meant civilization - or maybe just his fans. He walked up to where the noise was coming from, but then it went silent again.

Stupid milky-lickers. Can't they just keep playing until I've found them?

"So, what song are we gonna play now?" Asho asked.

"Aiaa-aah! Aai-ah! aaaah!" Engineer muttered.

"If only we understood what you meant, Engineer," Suspicious Tumbleweed said.

"Uhm..." Derpy said. "I understood what he said. Some song named 'Boss Niega?'"

Engineer then turned his attention to Suspicious, as if he is trying to clarify that Derpy was correct.

"Ea-ah! Ai-aaah!" Engineer muttered.

"Oh... do you want to play the song you like so much, Engineer?" Suspicious asked.

This got the Engineer excited. "Ai-ah! Ai-ya! Aaaaaaah!"

Suspicious picked up her guitar again and started to play Engineer's favorite tune, much to the dismay of Navyhusky and Equestrian Citizen.

Ghost heard the music pick up again.

Finally! People! ...hopefully they got beer.

Even if it was against his tastes, Ghost was so thirsty he wished for some beer -any beer - even if it was made by fruit bowl horses. Anything was better than nothing - except for the water where Tub Guy had been swimming in, of course.

As Ghost got closer to the noise, he realized something.

I know this song from something.

It took him a moment before he recognized the song.

No... they have this song in fruit bowl horse land?! They should've all been turned to glue!

Ghost saw the gang of trolls - and the engineer - sitting around a campfire, playing the most fruit bowl song of all time.

"Black men, in a white men's town, he's got tróóóóuble" Ghost heard the gang sing, with Engineer cheerily whining in the background.

This has got to stop.

"ENOUGH!" Ghost shouted.

"WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS TO PLAY THAT STUPID FRUIT BOWL CIRCUS SONG?! THAT'S RACIST, YOU MILKY-LICKING DONUT-HOPPING TAKING-IT-UP-THE-ASS HAVING FRUIT BOWLS!"

The whole gang was aghast to see Ghost.

"Engineer!! Was this your idea?! I'll make sure you get punitive dama-"

Before he could finish his sentence, he was cut off by a group hug.

"John! We thought we had lost you!" Suspicious Tumbleweed said.

"The song brought you back to life!" Asho cried out. "I am so grateful that you saved my life!"

"It's good to see you, Ghost!" Karasz Kun said.

Ghost threw the gang off him and gagged. "Stop it! This is the most over-feminized thing you've ever done! Never do that again!"

He got a lick from NavyHusky in his face. "Eeewww!" He threw NavyHusky off as well.

"But..." Asho replied. "I am just grateful that you saved my life."

Ghost fell silent for a moment.

"Don't sweat it too much, kiddo." he muttered.

"I knew you cared!" Suspicious said.

"How did you survive?" Equestrian Citizen asked.

It fell silent for a moment. Ghost knew he should tell them what had happened, but didn't want to. But if he lied and said he got out of the water on his own, they'd never believe him.

"I fell into the water. Tub Guy saved me."

Everypony got even more surprised. "Tub Guy saved you? Oh, wow...." Suspicious said.

"And where is he now?" Equestrian Citizen asked. "Where does he live?"

"He turned into a sea pony," Ghost replied. "And he's just as much of a pain in the ass as ever."

"Of course..." Suspicious Tumbleweed said. "Is he with anyone else?"

Ghost shook his head. "What do you think? It's Tub Guy."

Asho began pondering and looked at the cart. "We do have a tub in our cart..."

Ghost realized what the bean-and-cheese kid meant. "No! He does not join us!"

"Where is he?" Equestrian Citizen asked.

"Down at the river, but..."

Ghost realized his mistake too late.

"WAIT!"

It was too late. The entire team - including the Engineer - had already taken off to take Tub Guy. They also had taken the tub with them.

This is going to be a lóóóóng trip

It didn't take long before the team found Tub Guy, got him - along with enough water - in the tub, and made their way up the hill again. Since the water made the tub too heavy, they decided to spill a lot of it out, and then use a bucket to bring more water into the tub again. This took some time, but since everypony did it in shifts, it didn't tire anyone out beyond the point of being able to do anything else.

"You guys are the best! My dearest, dearest friends. Oh my!" Tub Guy said.

Ghost mumbled under his breath.

"So Ghost..." Suspicious Tumbleweed said. "We know what you want, but where are we going?"

"Trying to find a place where they know how to turn us normal and to get back home! Manehattan is their biggest city, so I think we should go there! Fruity place for a city, but it should be good!"

"Well..." Equestrian Citizen said. "for all we know there is nothing there, and we may be just walking for nothing."

"I know the place where they can turn ponies," Tub Guy said. Everypony looked at him, surprised.

"You WHAT?!" Ghost yelled.

"Ye, the other sea ponies told me - they have a device that allows them to transform. I think."

"And where is it?" Ghost asked Tub Guy.

"Beyond the desert, my good sir. And then cross the ocean. It's where they live. They were actually going to take me there until they decided I was too fruity for their liking. Oh my."

Ghost thought about what Tub Guy had said for a moment. If there was a desert and a whole ocean involved, it would mean they needed a lot of supplies to cross the desert, then a ship to sail the ocean.

But nothing was going to stop him from his quest.

Not the fruit bowls.

Not the horses he had to turn into glue.

Not the splicers he had brought alongside him for this journey, even though they didn't want to turn back.

They had decided to stay because they were loyal to him, and him alone. Not to Asho, not to Tub Guy, not the Engineer - only to him.

That Tub Guy was his closest thing to a guide was good enough.

"We're going," Ghost said. "We'll get what we need by bartering in a town."

"How are we going to pay for it?" Suspicious asked him.

"I'm the best negotiator of all capitalist in the world. I've read The Art of the Deal and that is something you need to know." Ghost replied.

"Art of the Deal..." Asho asked. "what, you're going to think some TV-billionaire's little book is going to help us?"

"He's more than that, boy! Don't besmirch the name of Donald Trump!"

"Yes, yes, Ghost, of course," Asho said. "Why do you defend that guy? What, you want him to become president or something?"

"Shut up," Ghost said.

Asho suddenly shivered. "When I just said that, I sort of got a bad feeling. Like I'm torn from you all with a wall or something..."

Suspicious had whipped out a map and looked at the team. "The desert is nearby, but it's a long trek through it. There is a village though we can go to before we're heading in there."

Ghost nodded in approval. "Then we'll go there."

The team approved. None of them really wanted to leave Equestria - not even the Engineer. However, they all thought this was a good idea to see something of the nation that they could now consider their home before settling in. Plus, traveling with Ghost as their lead would be a very interesting experience to behold. A sort of "final act" as the Capitalist Army before surrendering to the forces of fruit bowl horse crap.

It took the team two days before they reached the village that was marked on their map. Due to Suspicious' map reading skills, they didn't get lost - not even once. Some things happened while they were underway - Becky and Asho became pals, and they liked to play with Navyhusky. Navyhusky liked the kids too, and already surrendered to his newfound ''dog'' status. Karasz Kun and Derpy grew closer together. And Ghost became more secluded from the rest, not wanting to be infected by their pussyfication.

Therefore, Ghost didn't talk much, unless provoked.

Well, that meant he talked a bunch when someone provoked him. Rage was more like it. He raged so much, that the others decided in secret not to troll him in the desert else he'd die of a heat stroke or they'd lose all of their water in a matter of hours. Or worse.

But ultimately they did reach the area where the village should be. It didn't feel like it though. Ghost and the team had arrived in a deserted wasteland.

This place is trash. Did I end up in Mexico or something?

"This is the location... but this should've been green pastures and all that!" Suspicious said.

There was not much to see on the horizon - and they still had a while to go. But something got a glimpse in Ghost's eyes. There was a small village down there, in the wastelands. That was the village they had been after.

Suspicious saw it too. "This must be it."

What kind of fruit bowl is going to live so deep in the wastelands? Why not leave if everything went to shit? Ghost thought.

"Hopefully they got some Johnny Walker there as well as some water..." Ghost mumbled under his breath.

"...second harvest, oh yeah!" he heard Asho whisper, then grin under his breath alongside Navy Husky.

"Dogs can't laugh, Navy Husky!" Ghost said. "You're so lacking in confidence, you can't even be a proper dog! What can you do right?!" This made Navy Husky whimper, then put on big puppy eyes towards Ghost.

"Oh, forget it," the capitalist said.

Asho comforted the dog, which made Navy Husky happy again.

Stupid mutt...

"This is our last chance to get supplies in," Suspicious said. "I'd say we go in and do some shopping. Maybe there is a hotel too."

"Maybe there are some nice mares in there, oh my!" Tub Guy said from his tub.

"As long as there are no Alabama Black Snakes in there I can ignore those fruity 'mares' of yours," Ghost said. "Just don't get them close to me, alright?"

"I make no promises, good sir," Tub Guy replied.

the gang made their way down to the village. Something was off about everything - normally, pony infrastructure was very pristine and colorful. All the buildings here though were dull and dreadful. Like one was walking in Soviet Russia.

If they're going to have communism too, then I can't hold myself. Then again, all ponies seem to be communists.

As they walked into town, the gang noticed something odd.

"Isn't there something off about this place?" Asho asked.

Equestrian Citizen noticed it too. "Their cutie marks... they're all..."

"...equal signs?" Suspicious Tumbleweed said.

Whatever. We are just here to get some stuff and go, Ghost thought.

"Welcome to our little town!" one inhabitant said.

"Uh... thanks," Equestrian Citizen replied. "Do you know where a store is?"

"A... store?" the inhabitant replied.

"A place to buy stuff?" Suspicious Tumbleweed replied.

"Oh.." the Inhabitant said, pondering his thoughts. "I don't know if we have one, we do have a storage place, though..."

"Never mind that," they heard another voice say. A female one. "I know what you weary travelers need."

They turned around to see a unicorn standing there. "But first, let me introduce myself..."

"My name is Starlight Glimmer, and welcome to our town!"

Author's Note:

I have returned - I've finished studying, and also got a normie job, a normie wife and a normie life. I do still listen to Ghostler though while working. I hope he does bring Radio Graffiti back soon.

I've decided to finish up this story, which will take a good while - I'm not done with mr. hambone just yet.

If one can call him for whatever reason, please read an excerpt of this to him saying it's a capitalist guidebook that should interest him and promote capitalism.

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