- Member Since 2nd Apr, 2013
- offline last seen May 26th, 2018
Black_Cloud
This account is for all the cloppy goodness I can think of. For non-cloppy stories, visit my alternate account White_Cloud.
Black_Cloud
Joined 2nd Apr, 2013 ·
Offline
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That was new...... but how long before something happens thats the real question.
BOORING!
pretty good especially for a first clopfic
You forgot the s in Fluttershy up there. It was typed as Flutterhy.
That being said, well done.
I loved it. The only minor thing i can say, is that it needed just a little more relationship developement.... but other than that i really enjoyed it.
This story was very sexy (:
Oh, another fic by you. Well, i left a very long comment explaining what was "wrong" with the other one on the story's comment section moments ago, so I'll just summarize here, as many of the same "problems" are present:
The formatting is not that good. Your paragraphs are huge, and that makes the story have no sense of flow.
As another suggestion, try complex sentences instead of simple ones.
For example, instead of;
"The dog ran fast to get the ball. The ball was thrown by his master. He got the ball and brought it back for him to throw again."
try;
"The dog ran quickly, eager to retrieve the ball thrown by his master; and as he retrieved it, her felt a sense of pride as he brought it back to him for another throw."
This makes it less simplistic, and adds variety to the story.
Another thing, try adding " X said" before or "said X" after each thing the characters say, or some variety thereof ('X asked', 'X yelled', etc.) . That way, your readers can follow who's saying what much easier.
Overall, I liked this one just as much as your other one. It gets the same 5/10 for the same reasons, however.