- Member Since 12th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Jul 18th, 2022
Theta
I'm an avid writer and marijuana user. My biggest hobbies are writing and playing lacrosse.
Theta
Joined 12th Sep, 2012 ·
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Seem more like human ponies. Just sayin. And guns? Ehh... its your story, and this is an okay story.
Heya, I have some critique and such that i hope will help you out. I split up my critiques into three sections. Let's get this bad boy rollin!
First, The Title/Synopsis: To be honest, I found the title to be kind of distracting. I understand that some folks see the random capitalization of letters as a hallmark of a disturbed psyche, I just think it's a bit overused. The title itself is succinct, that's for sure. There's no question what this story is about.
Your synopsis is good. It's given us a brief taste of what we can expect to see in this story you're writing, without giving the entire thing away in just a few short sentences. I'm also glad that you didn't use it to describe the physical characteristics of your OC, as that's something I see all the damn time. I will say that the cover photo comment at the bottom is, in my opinion, unnecessary. I doubt that if the character had a flaming head, Celestia would want him roaming around Ponyville, heheh.
Second, the spelling/grammar/formatting: I'll start with formatting. For the most part, your formatting is done well. You've split paragraphs, used indents, and have seperate lines for different speakers. There are a couple points in your story, however, that I feel are formatted awkwardly:
I'm guessing that you want this to read like an official document.
It's not perfect, but I think that it comes across as more of a proper document. It feels kind of cliche'd to have a document like this, but if that's what you want, then I would suggest formatting it in a similar fashion as I did.
I would also suggest a small re-format of the memorandum that Princess Celestia writes to Drifter:
Nothing big, just a few extra taps of the enter key.
Grammatically, the story reads fairly well. There are instances of awkward wording here and there, as well as a few punctuation errors, but nothing that stand outs too much. One glaring thing that popped out at me was your shift from present tense narration to past tense narration. I'm not a fan of present tense at the best of times (that is just personal taste) but shifting back and forth between the two is very distracting. Another distraction was the link you provided to an image of the pistol that I assume Drifter carries. It's a nice weapon, but it doesn't really add anything to the story that you couldn't provide with a few lines of description.
Aside from a typo in the memorandum, I didn't notice any spelling mistakes.
Third, the Story/Characters: Thus far, Drifter reads like a typical badass soldier with mental issues. I'm sorry if that's blunt, but it's the truth. There's no real personality to him yet, and I just can't connect with him at this point in time. The fact that he has a fake arm (which is apparently really sharp) is somewhat interesting, but so far you've only used it to show that even without all of his limbs, he's a killing machine. Drifter's very one-dimensional at the moment.
Celestia's motivations for discharging Drift and sending him to Ponyville confuse me somewhat. I can see how she believes her elements to be more than capable of rehabilitating Drifter, and controlling him if he snaps, but sending him to a town full of civilians and children, with no military/police presence, still feels like it's going to be a bad idea at the end of the day.
The characterizations for the elements aren't something that I can comment on yet, as we haven't seen enough of them. I will say that the all-caps speech of Pinkie is unnecessary; an exclamation point will do the job just fine.
Right now, the plot is just too cliched for me to enjoy. I would like to see some more development for both drifter and his interactions with other ponies.
In conclusion, I'd like to say that there are elements of this story that interest me, but right now they're just too smothered by the cookie-cutter feel of both the protagonist and the plot. I'll keep an eye out though, to see where you take this. I hope this critique helps in some way. Cheers!
2317945 Thanks a ton for reading, I'll make sure to go in and fix what I can (probably most of it, now that you said it I won't stop until it's almost perfect). There's a lot of ways to critique a story, but I like how you did yours... I mean most people (myself included) sound like complete assholes when they write them, but since you found a way to word yours nicely, I will most definitely go in and spend at least an hour on the first chapter, revamping stuff. And in regard to the protagonist... let's just say they have already made an appearance. Oh, and before I forget about the tenses, legit not my best work. I was tired, and just wanted to get it up last night (...no comment), I'll go in and make them all past tense (which wasn't my initial intention, but decided to do that last minute). The dossier, in my opinion, has a certain ju ne se quia that gives a brief overview of a character. Not sure if it worked in this case, but it was worth a shot.
Peace,
Theta
2317067 Thanks for reading. Everyone has there different likes, and I respect yours. Also thank you for actually commenting, instead of just hitting dislike and leaving.
-Theta
2318211Who said I hit dislike? Like I said, an okay story and if its okay I'll bookmark it. Oh and I faved this. Keep up the good work soldier. Silent out.
Oh and one more thing before I go, that cover image looks a bit like Sweet Tooth. Twisted Metal.
2319081 haha, sorry if I implies you disliked it, that was for the two people who did. Thanks for the comments dude, i'll try to get you more hooked. No promises though.
-Theta
2320284np and do you play TF2?
2320638 nah man, runescape(about done with that shit) and xbox
2321886thats wats up. There's nothing greater than the Xbox. I believe that was a commercial for the orginal Xbox. Good times.
2322628i had my original xbox up until two or three years ago
2323681 same here
Interesting.
2324101 I remember waking up Christmas day and unwrapping it... I almost peed my pants that day. Loved everything about it, especially the starter game: Jet Set Radio Future. Loved that game, along with Darkwatch and Totaled!, for years...still do.
2324989 when I opened my box it came with Alan Wake and Forza Motorsports . I liked Alan Wake better.
2324435hi ninja
2325022
hi?
2325013 >.< We all got different games... I mean JSRF was doubled up with 2001 Ford racing (can't remember the exact name). But it's definitely apparent everyone had a favorite of the two starter games they received.
2329255 oh so true. I see u changed the name of the title. That's all I wanted to say.
Interesting
Carry on, mister ; ]
2329362 The title problem was pointed out to me... It eventually ate away at me and it is as you see now. Your thoughts on it?
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1480_q1wyU.gif I bet this is how he feels all the time
2365334 Always
Sleep or a story. S N S. Thx.
2370464 glad you liked the chapters dude! Sleep can wait.
2373716 Np. Just remember to get at least a few hours of sleep. Don't want you to get sick, now do we. I'm not sure if I said that right.
For some reason, I wish he pulled that trigger...
What can I say : cool story bro-ny.
Continue
2378312 you mean you wish it was loaded. He pulled the trigger. And thanks!
2377062 Thanks for the worry, buy don't worry, I make sure to get at least 4 hours of sleep a night haha
2378770 I guess 4 is better than none.
have a fav
2386559 Much appreciated dude!~
tough son-of-a-bitch indeed
short but good
2394623 thank you, I'll work hard to make the next chapter longer
2394429 Indeed. Well, he's still no Jason Vorhees.. Damn close though
Celestia/Luna/Twilight put a spell on him. That's my bet.
i dont like this guy but im interested in the story ill keep reading
2400203 haha, that's what I was going for with this character. In all honesty, he doesn't like himself too much either.
great chapter
2402667 thank ya for the compliment dude! I'll try to have the next chapter out by next weekend (or this one, because lets face it, outside lacrosse, I don't have much of a life haha). Honestly, I'll have it out when I get another burst of inspiration.
2403732 Interesting. Well back to the front.
cool chapter
looking forward to the next one!
Jelly time!
let the bodies hit the floor
this story is getting better by the chapter! by the way, why so short chapters
2478850 Simply because I get ideas at random, and somehow they form a covalent story line for you good people. That and because I've been sitting in front of a computer screen for hours this week, working on both an english and social studies project/final paper.
2479049 oh, sorry
i foggot that whole IRL thing.
2479076 Its cool, not like theres much to remember in the first place
Somebody's gonna die, somebody's gonna die!
*does some evil dance moves*