The Third Alicorn

Dash Is Best Pony #1 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

Scary and good idea.

It would be good for you to get somebody to read this before you post it. I think it would help you a lot to have somebody read it, there are lots of obvious errors they could catch and help you with.

Goodness, so short!! I want moar, you piqued my interest!

I hope you continue to write!

deleteduser111010010101

deleteduser111010010101 #2 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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Eh.... it was just... eh... I don't want to be horrible, but that was... bad... I'm sorry...

Too short, it was a little... iffy, I would recommend writing more before you post.

It just jumped right in. It could have had a good 6000 words of a prelude leading up to it.

This has nothing to do with your writing, but that alicorn just looks silly to me. And again, on a personal note, there are 3 alicorns besides "Stargazer". You forgot the all mighty Lauren Faust.

Keep writing though. Don't let my tastes keep you down. I erm... I really don't want to feel like bragging, but I can't really say my first fic was horrible too. Somethings just come natural. God... I feel like .

I didn't rate it though. I feel that would be VERY unfair. It's not far in enough for me to accurately rate it, and I would feel bad rating it low. I really only rate fics that I can give a really solid idea around, and when I REALLY feel that my opinion is unbiased, so keep at it!

~Thundra

Starnight

Starnight #3 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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I don't know, that dark tag is getting to me...

<.<
>.>

Ah, firetruck it.
*tracks*

SrFrog

SrFrog #4 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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I like the idea but the formatting and size of this chapter need to be revised.

TheDorkside99

TheDorkside99 #5 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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Hmm, I absolutely love this idea. Especially since I never once sat down and thought, "Derp, who brings out the stars at night?"

The way it's written, it sounds more like something a VO artist with a deep gravelly tone would read. I'm not sure if this was your intention or not. I would love to see this idea developed however. Let that imagination flourish!

Blossom

Blossom #6 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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Good Idea. I dont like to be 'Offenise' But it was WAY to short..

CelestialBrony

CelestialBrony #7 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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I JUST FUCKING THOUGHT OF THIS! I JUST FUCKING DID, I SWEAR TO GOD IT HASN'T BEEN 90 MINUTES! Why, why, why?

I thought of writing a story JUST like "Dusk and Dawn." AND I FOUND OUT THE NEXT DAY IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN!

Bravo, anyway... I wont do it now. DAMMIT!

jayessell

jayessell #8 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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Daymaker.....

My fanfic (in progress) had Twilight meet a green unicorn colt.
In "last roundup" she's standing by him at Applejack's speech!

Weird huh?

Fox

Fox #9 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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Feels more like a trailer for a throw-away summer movie than a first chapter of anything. I suggest taking the advice of the above posters, and expand it a bit. Maybe give some indication as to why we shouldn't automatically assume 'Stargazer' himself is just another generic Gary Stu? Toss in some flashbacks, fill out the history a bit more, and maybe not jump straight into events like you did. Remember, text as your medium won't be as forgiving as animation; you can't seek to emulate the show's brevity while still producing a story that'll be worth reading. Exposition is your friend.

While I (apparently not unlike everyone else here) like the concept, I fear that it's one that will be extremely difficult to flesh out, and it's probably going to hinge primarily on whether or not the titular character is believable. Good luck!

Cloudiest Nights

Cloudiest Nights #10 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · · A Forgotten Ruler ·

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I coccur. You need to get an editor, and I would be glad to help. Now, this story has the right idea and looks to have a good plot, but, it needs to be MUCH longer. This feels more like a summary then a story at the moment. You need to describe in more detail what's going on. You could give a bit mire back story of what happened in the past. I'll keep reading this, though!