The Third Alicorn

by thatguyfromkfc

A Forgotten Ruler

Years ago, before the days of Nightmare Moon there were three alicorns. Two of them we still know today. One of them has been forgotten. Their names were Celestia, Luna and Stargazer. As you will know Celestia was in charge of the sun and Luna was in charge of the moon. But Stargazer... was in charge of the stars. Every night Stargazer helped Luna with the night. He brought out the stars while Luna brought out the moon. But then Luna changed. She refused to lower the moon. Stargazer was on her side. Hundreds of the ponies who were with Celestia either dissapeared...or died. Then it happened. Celestia used the elements to seal Luna in the moon. Stargazer fled. He hid. While he hid he continued to bring out the stars as usual. But he did it in secret. As not to be found. But then far in the future. After the time Luna returned. That would all change.
------------------------------------------------------------In the future----------------------------------------------------
Celestia paced in the throne room as the stars outside flickered. He was still alive. The very alicorn that had turned against her was still alive. But he was in danger. Nopony knew about him. He had been forgotten by all. All except for Celestia and Luna. Outside the colts and mares looked up at the skies thinking 'what the hell is going on' Celestia was panicking now. If he died everypony would ask questions. Questions that neither Celestia nor Luna could answer. They had to find him. And there were six ponies that could help them.

Twilight and her friends stood in the throne room.
"So let me get this straight." Said Twilight "You have a brother that nopony knows about?" Celestia nodded. The six mares looked at eachother sceptically.
"The only proof I can give you is outside. Look at the stars." Everypony in the throne room looked at the sky. Celestia's eyes widened. The stars were going out. One by one. Like the light of the universe was burning out.
"We have to go." Said Luna "Now."

Comments

[Dash Is Best Pony]

Scary and good idea.

It would be good for you to get somebody to read this before you post it. I think it would help you a lot to have somebody read it, there are lots of obvious errors they could catch and help you with.

Goodness, so short!! I want moar, you piqued my interest!

I hope you continue to write!

[deleteduser111010010101]

Eh.... it was just... eh... I don't want to be horrible, but that was... bad... I'm sorry...

Too short, it was a little... iffy, I would recommend writing more before you post.

It just jumped right in. It could have had a good 6000 words of a prelude leading up to it.

This has nothing to do with your writing, but that alicorn just looks silly to me. And again, on a personal note, there are 3 alicorns besides "Stargazer". You forgot the all mighty Lauren Faust.

Keep writing though. Don't let my tastes keep you down. I erm... I really don't want to feel like bragging, but I can't really say my first fic was horrible too. Somethings just come natural. God... I feel like .

I didn't rate it though. I feel that would be VERY unfair. It's not far in enough for me to accurately rate it, and I would feel bad rating it low. I really only rate fics that I can give a really solid idea around, and when I REALLY feel that my opinion is unbiased, so keep at it!

~Thundra

[Starnight]

I don't know, that dark tag is getting to me...

<.<
>.>

Ah, firetruck it.
*tracks*

[SrFrog]

I like the idea but the formatting and size of this chapter need to be revised.

[TheDorkside99]

Hmm, I absolutely love this idea. Especially since I never once sat down and thought, "Derp, who brings out the stars at night?"

The way it's written, it sounds more like something a VO artist with a deep gravelly tone would read. I'm not sure if this was your intention or not. I would love to see this idea developed however. Let that imagination flourish!

[Blossom]

Good Idea. I dont like to be 'Offenise' But it was WAY to short..

[CelestialBrony]

I JUST FUCKING THOUGHT OF THIS! I JUST FUCKING DID, I SWEAR TO GOD IT HASN'T BEEN 90 MINUTES! Why, why, why?

I thought of writing a story JUST like "Dusk and Dawn." AND I FOUND OUT THE NEXT DAY IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN!

Bravo, anyway... I wont do it now. DAMMIT!

[jayessell]

Daymaker.....

My fanfic (in progress) had Twilight meet a green unicorn colt.
In "last roundup" she's standing by him at Applejack's speech!

Weird huh?

[Fox]

Feels more like a trailer for a throw-away summer movie than a first chapter of anything. I suggest taking the advice of the above posters, and expand it a bit. Maybe give some indication as to why we shouldn't automatically assume 'Stargazer' himself is just another generic Gary Stu? Toss in some flashbacks, fill out the history a bit more, and maybe not jump straight into events like you did. Remember, text as your medium won't be as forgiving as animation; you can't seek to emulate the show's brevity while still producing a story that'll be worth reading. Exposition is your friend.

While I (apparently not unlike everyone else here) like the concept, I fear that it's one that will be extremely difficult to flesh out, and it's probably going to hinge primarily on whether or not the titular character is believable. Good luck!

[Cloudiest Nights]

I coccur. You need to get an editor, and I would be glad to help. Now, this story has the right idea and looks to have a good plot, but, it needs to be MUCH longer. This feels more like a summary then a story at the moment. You need to describe in more detail what's going on. You could give a bit mire back story of what happened in the past. I'll keep reading this, though!

[portalthinker92]

scary idea.... keep going.

[SlashAttack321]

I like this story! keep it up!