"Um... I think it's time for less pudding," Pinkie remarked, never in her whole life thinking she'd utter those words. But after seeing what she just saw, you'd agree.
There was Hades, Lord of the Dead, stuffing his face with every treat, sweet, snack, and sugary morsel in Sugarcube Corner. Everything was up for grabs. "Mmm, this sure beats the Underworld grub any day!" Hades shouted, before gulping down six donuts at once. It seemed that his shape shifting ability was being put to good use as he enlarged his mouth to sizes that would put even Pinkie to shame, shoving as much food as possible and then some into his gullet. A gullet that belonged to a God, which technically made it bottomless.
"It's like a watching two ponies run smack into each other, headfirst," Rainbow Dash quipped in, a hoof held up to her mouth in a mix of shock and nausea. "You know it's awful, but you can't look away."
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Spike moaned, his face a sickly green after watching Hades dig into yet another cake. The God of the Underworld then melted an entire quadruple-decker sundae and began to guzzle it down.
Seconds later Spike could be heard barfing in the bathroom.
"Hades, maybe you should tone it down a little," Twilight spoke up, worried that her friends and herself would be the next up over the toilet. And there's also the fact nearly all the food was gone.
Hades' smoky robes formed into a napkin and wiped some icing off his face. "What? And miss more of this stuff? I think not!" he yelled, moving onto a mountain of cupcakes that was quickly being depleted to a molehill.
Just then the door opened, revealing the familiar yellow pegasus,
Fluttershy. "Hello everyone. I just came over because I was in the mood for s—s—some..." Fluttershy's eyes bulged out at the sight of all three of her friends' green faces and the intimidating stranger with the blue flamed hair currently smacking down on the last remaining cupcakes in the bakery. "... cupcakes."
She squeaked in fright and rushed to the nearest table, cowering under it with her hooves protecting her head. Pinkie just continued to stare at Hades in awe, Dash face hoofed at Fluttershy's fearfulness, and Twilight trotted over to her friend, worried. "Fluttershy, there's no reason to hide. He's not dangerous."
"I beg to differ," Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath, only for Hades to appear beside her with an icing covered smile.
"And I beg to agree," he laughed, licking his fingers to collect the last traces of sweet, sweet icing and sprinkles. "So, ya know who McCowering is?"
"You mean Fluttershy? She's just shy is all," Dash said with a wave of her hoof. "And she probably got scared from your appearance."
Hades scratched his inferno-engulfed head in confusion. "Wonder why. Didn't even say a word to her..." A light bulb suddenly appeared over his head as realization hit him, along with the light bulb melting into a puddle of glass on the ground due to his flames. With a snap of his fingers he disappeared and promptly reappeared in smoky explosion next to the trembling Fluttershy. Bending down under the table, he held his hand out and said, "Hello, Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld here. How ya doin'?"
"AH!" Fluttershy screeched, or attempted to. All that came out of her mouth was the faintest of screams.
Hades, his hand still held out, frowned. "Hey, are you just gonna leave your mouth open so a bug can fly in or are you gonna shake my hand?"
She shook her head and scooted away, wrapping her hooves around Twilight's foreleg. Twilight face hoofed and sighed in disappointment. "Like I said before, Hades, some ponies like Fluttershy are... put off by your appearance."
"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" he yelled, a faint hint of red emerging in his gray skin tone. "I am Hades, God of the Underworld! Of course I look like this!"
"Maybe you can..." Twilight brightened up and gave him a wide grin when the idea finally hit her. "Change your appearance! Make yourself less intimidating with your powers. Turn yourself into a pony even? How does that sound?"
The Lord of the Dead rubbed his chin in thought for a good ten seconds, only to break out laughing soon afterward. "Me, less intimidating? And actually degrade myself into looking like one of you candy colored freaks? No thank you!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "It was only a suggestion."
"And my suggestion to you is jump off a cliff," he teased, pinching her cheek. Once her hoof shoved his hand away, he bent down to Fluttershy's level and tugged at her tail. "So, ya gonna talk or what?"
The pink maned pegasus instantly blushed when she felt her tail being pulled. Scrunching her eyes, she said, "Hello! Goodbye!" And with that she shoved her face deeper into Twilight's leg. Unfortunately for her, a glow of magic from Twilight's horn pulled her off and laid her on the ground.
"Fluttershy, Hades just wants to talk. Just try," Twilight encouraged her friend.
The God of the Underworld impatiently tapped his foot as Fluttershy got to her hooves, shaking like a mobile home in the middle of a tornado. Finally, after a few tense seconds of silence while Hades looked at a watch that somehow appeared on his wrist, Fluttershy whispered, "Hello, I'm Fluttershy."
Hades cupped a hand to his ear and leaned closer. "Say that again. Didn't quite catch that."
"Hello, I'm Fluttershy," she repeated herself while trying to hide behind her mane.
"Hmm, I'm catching the hello part, but not the name. Now was it... Buttershy? Or Flutterbutt? Can't decide," he teased, a lewd smile on his face.
"No, it's Fluttershy," she said more forcibly, her face reddening at the rude use of her name.
"Well now, finally upped the volume past one, eh?" he chuckled, dissolving into his smoke form once more. This caused the pegasus to jump up in terror, only to be caught in a one armed hug by Hades as he laughed merrily. "Ha! You mortals are so easy to mess with!"
Fluttershy struggled in his arm, wanting to get as far as possible from the sharp-toothed smile of the God of the Underworld. Rainbow Dash took note of this and yelled, "Yo, hothead, let her go already!"
"Right after I ask her a question!" Hades replied, one finger pointed upward in a sign of waiting. "So, Fluttershy," he said, squeezing her cheeks together in his hand. "What was it that brought you here today? I believe you said something about...?"
"Cupcakes," she blurted out, shaking her head to dislodge his hand. "I felt like buying a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner."
"Cupcake you say? Like... this one?" he asked, a red icing cupcake appearing in his hand in a plume of smoke.
"Oh yes!" Fluttershy agreed, her mouth watering at the sight of the delicious treat.
Hades wasn't paying attention, as he had just popped the cupcake in his mouth and was smacking his red icing covered lips with a content sigh.
"Hey, that was the last one!" Pinkie shouted, pointing to the last remaining crumbs of the once glorious cupcake mountain.
"That was a very rude thing to do, Hades. You should've shared with Fluttershy," Twilight said, giving the God a disapproving stare.
Hades scoffed and waved his hand off at her. "Ah, big deal. She didn't get her treat. Whoopty doo."
"B—But I wanted one," Fluttershy said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Just then the doors of the sweet shop opened yet again. This time it revealed Rarity and Applejack, the purple maned unicorn and orange coated earth pony stopping in their tracks at the sight of the room. There was both Twilight and Rainbow Dash giving disapproving, or in Dash's case, evil glares at a tall, dark, and flame-headed figure with his arm currently wrapped around Fluttershy. And there was red stuff smeared all over his face and pointy teeth.
And to complete this context is needed scene, Spike walked out of the bathroom wiping his mouth, just noticing Applejack and Rarity with their mouths open staring at Hades in shock while a silence hung over the room.
"Um... did I miss something?"
-into each other, headfirst,"
Should be a period, or the next part should be a continuation with no periods at all. (I may be wrong on that one. I don't normally write using the '*name* said' type of writing.) (I noticed this a lot. Might want to see of another proof-reader says the same thing. Until then, I suppose it should be fine. )
-in a mix of shock a nassau.
The 'a' should be 'and'. Shouldn't Nassau be nausea?
-Unfortunately for her, a glow of magic from Twilight's horn pulled her off and laid her on the ground.
Forgot to add her.
-This caused the pegasus to jump up in terror, or to be
Shouldn't that be only?
Other than those, and the very odd use of commas at the end of sentences, (odd to me anyways) it was mostly solid! On a side note, Fluttershy was in pretty good character. Also... Hades... Not cool, bro. Not cool.
So come next chapter Hades will have met all the Mane Six. What ponies will he meet next? Perhaps one the princesses, or maybe a background character like Lyra or Derpy. Been meaning to ask why does this story have the Dark tag?
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He'll meet the Princesses soon enough, and maybe even a background pony or too. As for the reason for the Dark tag, one word. Tartarus. A special visit to Hades' home will make that tag deserve its place.
Awwww, poor Fluttershy
...*is now wondering if this story is before or after Discord's reformation*
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It's right in the middle of season 2 (won't specify because I don't know where this story is headed and because of laziness ). Also, glad you still like it. I'll continue to dish out the best Hades as possible for you to enjoy.
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Hades is one of my most favorite Disney characters, there's just something so charming about him, in his own way.
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I will get you to follow me. Even if I have to bitch slap every hoe out there.
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BATTLE ROYAL!
My name is Pinkie Pie. You ate all my cupcakes. Prepare to die
He...smiled at her in a lewd way?...Wat.
Hades, stop hitting on Fluttershy.
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Hades: I aint come lookin fo no little foals. I aint got no sugarcubes, no cupcakes, nothing. I came lookin fo mare's flank.
A mare's flank? Excuse me?
Hades: Oh I know who you are Fluttershy. Sees I calls you Fluttershy. I watch your theater plays all the time. So yous can bring them cameras and Royal Guardses waiting outside. It don't mean me no difference. Now, I tell you what; I like ya and I want ya. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours.
Well, I don't think you and I will be doing anything, any kind of way...I mean...if it's ok with you that is.
2105259 Boondocks reference FTW.
This was hilarious.
It's not everyday you see someone make molehills out of mountains
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And continents from those molehill-turned-mountains.
It's a pretty impressive feat.
Flutter butt haha
Someone to care for, to be there for. They have Hades!
I really adore this series so far! The writing style is easy to understand and still decently descriptive. Every character fits perfectly in their roles and all the dialogue is very very good! all except this chapter... I actually found Hades to be far more rude and unlikable rather than sarcastic and enjoyably sinister. In fact, I actually found all the character's dialogue to be a little off in this chapter. I don't mean to be rude in any way, this is simply my opinion, I think the way he acted was not nearly as enjoyable as the previous chapters, but besides that I have no major gripes besides a few grammatical errors.
Keep working hard and making great stories, I'm definitely hooked on this story
Welp, this should be interesting. I lurve me some classic Disney, so lets see how I get along with this thing.
IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME
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Technical stuff and things
Using increased font size to emphasise the volume of speech doesn't sit well with me. Just making it bold should be enough (italics if you're really desperate).
Occasional Lavender Unicorn Syndrome dotted about the place, like "the small purple dragon", for example. Occasional purple prose too.
This paragraph's a bit of a mess. I think I understand what's happening, but I had to re-read it a couple times to make sure.
Hear*
In fact, there are a couple other cases of homonym confusion. Probably best to pay close attention to that in future.
You do have trouble with hyphens and em-dashes.
Hyphens (-) connect words, like those up there ^
Em-dashes (—) are used to indicate a break in speech—this is an example—in a manner similar to parenthesis. It's also used to show when someone's been interrupted, like in your story.
Twilight has arms now?
Otherwise, it seems to be fine. Others have mentioned various spelling errors/tense confusion, but either they're wrong or you've since fixed those errors. So nothing else to report here.
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The bit with the story and stuff
Twilight flipped from pants-wetting terror to calm pedantry rather suddenly. I get that her desire to correct Hades was overpowering her fear, but it'd help if you actually mentioned that, rather than hope the reader assume that's what happened.
[Edit from future Plum]: Yeah, this happens with all the ponies to a greater or lesser extent. Needs to be more gradual. I get Twily has to calm down Dash at some point, but making her seem more begrudging would help make such a change more believable.
Otherwise, this was pretty damn good. Not an awful lot has happened yet, seeing as the introductions aren't even over, but doesn't change how entertaining it's been.
Your characterisation for Hades was pretty much spot-on. If I remember rightly, "Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?" is a direct quote from the movie. Good show.
Bonus points if you use "How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat" in a future update.
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The others are... decent. Pinkie seems to be just about right, but, as mentioned before, Twily and Dash were behaving oddly around Hades. Nothing they did was OOC, technically. Just that the suddenness of their behaviour was unsettling. Should be relatively easy to fix, though.
I'll admit, I'm concerned about where you plan to take story. Hades originally set out to get pudding, a goal he has accomplished before we've even met all of the main characters. I'd be wary of the story pottering around aimlessly.
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General Doohickeys
One thing I never understood about the Disney films was why Hades' hair turned red when heated up. Blue flames are vastly more intense. Meh.
Is it really called mythology when it's proven real? I mean, Twily's been to Tartarus before and lived to tell the tale, so it's hardly like any modern religion...
(inb4 flamewar, because internet)
Dash saying "dude" just doesn't seem right with me, for some reason. Guy? Yes. Dude? Nyeeeeh...
She's a tomboy, not really a surfer chick.
Overall hoojamaflips
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Whatever technical problems this story has have either been fixed or aren't all that pressing. Hades alone is amusing enough on his own to make me want to go search for my old copy back on VHS in England (dunno how I'm gonna play it, does anyone even sells video players any more?)
I'd watch out for those minor mistakes I mentioned above, as well as any others you've corrected before this quick review.
Be mindful of where you want to take this story, and don't let yourself get sidetracked by the promise of cheap laughs.
Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing
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~ScreenedPlum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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And once again the great Plum from the sky has graced his presence with a review on my story. And with funny pictures too!
Anyway, thanks for all of the advice. I'll going to fix up the first couple of chapters to resubmit it to EQD, so I'll be sure to check out the things you said I could improve on. To repeat myself, thank you very much!
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GRATS ON MAKING EQD YOU RAINBOW BASTARD! :D
I got denied for my stories again, myself. :/
2070257 I started it.
Well, I did it before Bob.
About ten days before. And he probably started writing his fic earlier than it was posted. So. Um.
Okay, why did everybody decide to start doing the same sort of fic at the exact same time? Was there a subliminal memo or something?
This was a pretty entertaining fic, all in all. Makes me want to watch Hercules.
Than discord comes along, Hades gets all the chocolate and cotton candy he wants, and they all... live of course, happily ever after.
hey look! you got featured on EQD!
btw great story so far, id love to see what happens when the god of the underworld meets the god of Chaos...
ok,you have to make him meet discord!!
Amazing, simply amazing, I never thought a fict could be so funny and entertaining, keep going like that RainbowBob!
If Luna or Celestia see Hades... all out battle stations!
Noticed your fic getting featured on EqD! Congrats!
Oh gods on Olympus...this is wonderful. I can hear James Woods' voice coming out of my computer.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
The scary part is that I start to wonder if Madmax inspired this crossover.
Dangit last chapter ended too soon >< Flutterbutt is sensitive to having her tail pulled? Well whatcha gonna do bout it? Go on, get MAD no-no, no please don't cr- aww damnit I has a sad now.
Great little story here. Looking forward to more!
Lol, so THAT'S the line, eh Twilight? Him calling you candy-colored freaks wasn't worth raising a brow?
If I could add one thought that crossed my mind the entire fic, it was that while nothing about Hades was WRONG, it felt like his dialogue could have been a lot punchier.
On a side-note, I was actually trained in traditional animation techniques by Michael Polvani, the main animator for Hades in the Hercules film
Yeah, context can be killerOH HELLO HADES, YOU GOT SOME NEW CUSTOMERS!
Celestia and Luna need to arrive, must have them owned by this funny God of the Underworld.
Lol...
Considering that the Greek Gods are always doing someone, I wonder how Hades and aloud a kicker would interact, once she's gotten over her terror of him, because, admittedly, for a show like MLP where the most intimidating villain is Sombra who is most powerful offscreen, Hades with his flame hair, the fact that he towers over them and his smoke toga makes him terrifying to them, not to mention his sharp teeth and angular features.
Oh, Hades...