Hades, Lord of Death and God of the Underworld, is bored. Residing in Tartarus gets tiring for a God. So he decides to visit Equestria for a bit. And maybe make new allies so he can take over Olympus.
Tartarus. A burning plane of existence made to punish the damned and evil. And ruling over this pit of hellfire is Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld. And while torturing souls and abusing his two minions Pain and Panic are always good fun, he's grown bored. With his plans to rule Olympus and destroy Hercules down the tube, he needs a new aspiration in his un-life. And since he needs to buy some groceries, Ponyville seems like the perfect place to go shopping. And maybe make an ally or two for his newest plan to take over Olympus. If he doesn't burn them all to a crisp and steal their souls first.
The Underworld. A pit deep in the center of existence that burns with the hellfire of billions of damned souls. Here they get tortured, punished for their crimes on the mortal plane. Their souls shall suffer for all of eternity in this dank hole of sin, properly called Tartarus, with no hope or chance of redemption. A pitiful fate for even the most heinous of villains. And of course, the biggest villain of them all runs the place.
"Will you two SHUT UP?" Hades, Lord of Death yelled, his normally pale blueish gray skin turning a crimson red and his blue flamed hair bursting into a hot yellow inferno. The two in question for that order, Pain and Panic, properly cowered before their master.
"So sorry, master! Please don't boil us in oil!" Pain cried, his bulbous, short body jiggling in fear.
"Or pour scorpions down our throats!" Panic added in, his thin body shaking like a tree in a hurricane.
"Or throw us in a lava pit!"
"Or have our eyes plucked out by harpies!"
"Or have an ensemble of demons bludgeon us with rubber chickens!"
"Or—"
"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME? SHUT UP!" Hades bellowed with an inferno blasting off his body, the entire Underworld rumbling from the power of his voice. Both of his minions promptly fell silent; Panic huddled in Pain's arms as the two discreetly backed away.
Hades sighed and fell in the seat of his throne, his raging red skin and yellow flames dying down to their normal blue and gray hues. Rubbing the bridge of his brow, he thought back on why he was living such a miserable existence. Okay, so his plans to take over Olympus failed... yet again. So did his plans to kill that damn hero, Hercules. Their last showdown resulted in him being thrown into the River Styx. That was not a pleasant experience. Took him forever to drag himself out of that, and now he was just doing his job of ruling the Underworld.
"And I'm so bored," Hades said, finishing his own thoughts. "Nothing to do but torture souls. And make insidious plans." Hades did indeed have a couple of new ideas for his comeback to Olympus and his eventual ruling of it, but none of them especially tickled his fancy. What he needed was a grand, spectacular plan. Though, releasing the Titans last time was going to be hard to beat.
Deciding that maybe some food could help him think, he got out of his throne and made his way to his refrigerator. While he didn't need food to survive because of his god status, the taste of mortal delicacies was always a nice treat. Opening it, he started moving the assorted foodstuff in search for something appealing. "Pickles? Nah. Let's see... ugh, how long has this cheese been here?" He inspected the green monstrosity in his fingers, the dairy product wiggling and moving as if it was alive. Which it probably was at this point.
"Nope," he said, tossing the cheese over his shoulder as he dug deeper in the fridge. "Week old Chinese food? Not going to happen. Potato salad? Not one this color." He continued his search until he'd thrown out practically all the contents of his fridge, most of the discarded food crawling or slithering away.
"Why is there nothing to eat?" he yelled, furious he couldn't even enjoy a bite of food. "And where's my pudding cups? I specifically remember getting some only a week ago!"
A slight cough from his left brought his gaze to Pain and Panic, both who were whistling innocently with their hands behind their backs. If they weren't imps, a halo could have appeared above their heads.
Crossing his arms, he approached the duo, his robe trailing smoke as he moved toward them without taking a step. Towering over the short, fat Pain and the thin, long-nosed Panic, he leaned forward and said, "What happened to my pudding cups?"
Both imps nearly shook out of their skin (which had happened on occasion), both too terrified out of their minds to speak. It was Panic who finally broke their silence by pointing a twig-like arm at Pain. "He did it! I mean, look at him! He's so fat he probably ate all of them!"
The fat one being accused leapt back and pointed his own finger at Panic. "That is a lie! It was obviously him! His mouth is big enough to swallow an entire sea of pudding!"
Panic's pointy nose poked Pain's face as he brought his eyeballs close to Pain's. "Says you, fatso!"
Pain returned the stare and leaned even closer, their eyeballs practically fondling each other. "Says you, bigmouth!"
"Lard butt!"
"Pencil nose!"
"Potbelly!"
"Twig boy!"
Hades grabbed the pair by their necks, their eyeballs nearly popping out of their heads as their throats were squeezed like wet sponges. “Listen, I don't care who ate my pudding cups. I really don't. Whoever admits to doing it gets off scot-free, okay?" Hades said to the pair, giving the duo a devious, sharp-toothed grin. He loosened his grip on their necks so that they may speak.
Glancing at each other for a moment in frantic terror, they yelled, "We both did it!"
Hades nodded his head. "Thought so." He then began to twist their necks and bodies together, the pair of imps now resembling a pretzel. "Hey Cerberus, who wants a treat?" he called to the guard dog. The demonic three-headed canine brought his attention from guarding the entrance to the Underworld to the new toy presented before him.
All three of the dog's heads barked happily as Hades threw his new chew toy to him. “You said we'd get off scot-free!" Pain and Panic yelled just before the maw of teeth devoured them.
"I lied!" he laughed, enjoying the sounds of their screams as Cerberus tore them apart. They'd be fine afterward, but to hear their shrieks of pain always put a smile on the Lord of Death's face. Walking past Cerberus and his new toy, he sauntered his way through Tartarus, taking in the sights. Maybe he’d even go out to buy some groceries. And pudding cups.
The lava pits were burning nicely, the wicked being pushed deeper in the magma by the pitchforks of some worker demons. At the hills he could watch souls push a large boulder up a hill everyday only for it to fall to the bottom once it was reached the top, the process beginning anew once again. Then there was the River Styx...
Hades chose to avoid that section of the Underworld. After his previous visit there, resulting in that hero Hercules punching him into the vortex, he didn't even go near it. The icy pull of millions of souls dragging him beneath the surface was a really unpleasant incident, even for the Lord of Death himself. It took an eternity to pull himself out, and he spent another eternity beating the crap out of Pain and Panic for leaving him there.
He neared the edge of the Underworld now, the border marked by the River Styx. He briefly considered going back to Greece, but threw that plan out. "Like I'd want to return to those ingrates. When I make my grand arrival, all of Olympus will tremble before my might!" Hades shouted, his arms spread wide as he did the stereotypical villain laugh. He stopped when he realized no one was around and he was laughing like a maniac all by himself. Oh yeah, he had left Pain and Panic with Cerberus.
His expression turned somber and he slouched forward as he floated above the river and crossed it, the pained cries of souls in agony beneath him comforting him slightly. The edge of the River Styx appeared close, and Hades wondered what world he would appear in this time. He was the Lord of Death for all of existence, meaning he had quite the vicinity of death to cover. And since he wasn't returning to Greece, whatever world on the other side would be completely random. "Hope they at least have pudding," Hades muttered.
He set his foot on the other side of the river, his body passing the glowing force field of light that marks the entrance to the living world. Stepping onto the mortal plane once more, Hades cracked his neck and knuckles, shouting, "Oh yeah, baby! It's good to be back!"
He walked toward the cave exit, the light at the end showing this world's time was somewhere in the afternoon to early evening range. He never really bothered to know the time in the Underworld, since it was always dark with no way to discern the days, months, eons. Finally reaching the light and flinching at its brightness, Hades entered this new world.
It was... sunny. And happy looking. There was a field of flowers growing nearby, the breeze causing petals to float through the air. A grassy meadow spread out before him, with a small orchard nearby filled to the brim with ripe fruit. The sky was a rich blue, not a cloud in the sky. "The hell type of sunny-fun nightmare did I come into?" Hades asked himself, the contrast of the Underworld with... this world a major turn off.
A couple of birds tweeted nearby and landed on his shoulders. A few seconds later they fell to the ground, crispy and charred black. "Well, I do need groceries," Hades said, a small basket in the shape of a skull appearing in his hand, summoned by his powers. Straining his eyes, he spotted smoke in the distance. "Ah, a town! They must have food!" And with that the God of the Underworld drifted toward the small town, a trail of smoke coming off his robe following him.
"Ugh, Twilight, how much longer?" Spike complained, the small purple dragon lugging a small pack on his back.
"I answered that only five seconds ago," Twilight reminded him, the mare carrying a saddle filled to the brim with supplies. "Right after we get one last item at the market."
"But I thought we already got everything?" Spike asked her.
"Not everything. Once we get some eggs, we'll go back to the library. Think you can handle that?" she asked, a small smile on her lips daring him to answer differently.
Grumbling under his breath and shifting his pack in a more comfortable position on his back, he answered, "Fine."
Grinning in triumph, the pair made their way to the market to get eggs, the unicorn enjoying the stroll as her assistant silently pouted. Twilight was in such a happy mood she didn't even notice the ponies running away in fear all around her. Or the ones who screamed in shock. Or even one particular mare that kept on shouting, "Run, run for your lives! All hope is lost!" Nope, Twilight was thoroughly enjoying this stroll to the market all right.
Unfortunately for her, she bumped into a tall figure in her way when she wasn't paying attention, falling to her rump while Spike crashed into her back. Rubbing her head, she said, "Oh, sorry about that. I didn't see—" But her sentence was cut off when she brought her attention to the stranger she had walked into.
He was a tall, bipedal creature with large muscles. She guessed it was a he, just by facial features alone. A long chin, pointy nose, furrowed brow, and a mouth filled with razor sharp teeth. And strangely enough, his head was on fire. It's like all his hair had been replaced with blue flames. His skin was a strange hue of light grayish blue, and his robes developed into smoke at the bottom.
Hades examined the creature that had bumped into him. The moment he had entered the town they all ran in fright, so he didn't really get a good look at them. It was a small... horse thingy. A unicorn by the looks of it. That itself wasn't quite strange, since Hades had seen plenty of unicorns in his existence. But this one was purple, had the strangest hair color and style he had ever seen, and it was hyperventilating.
Shaking in her hooves, Twilight squeaked, "—you."
So, they can talk, huh? And it was apparently a female, or a really effeminate male. Tapping his elongated chin with a sharp finger in thought, he leaned forward with a wicked smile on his face as his hand extended forward. "Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'?"
"L—L—lord of the D—Dead?" Twilight stuttered, staring with unnaturally wide eyes at the hand presented to her.
"Um, yeah," Hades said with a frown, his hand still held out. "I said that five seconds ago. You have short term memory loss or something?"
"N—N—No," she said, her heart threatening to burst from her chest. Hesitantly, she reached her hoof out, the limb shaking so much it nearly leaped out of Hades' hand. "M—My name is Twilight Sparkle."
Smiling wickedly, he shook her forearm up and down and brought her to her hooves, patting her on the back. "Well then, unicorn horse-thingy, pleasure to meet you!"
"Unicorn horse-thingy?" Twilight muttered, shaking her head and rubbed her brow. "I am indeed a unicorn, but I'm not a 'horse-thingy.' I'm a pony."
"Ooh, a pony, huh?" Hades chuckled, his devilish grin near Twilight's muzzle as he leaned closer. The unicorn squeaked in surprise and fell backwards, the stranger's appearance frightening her once again. "Hey, hey, chill out. I ain't gonna hurt you..." A clattering sound beside him interrupted the Lord of the Dead.
Hades turned his attention to a small lizard creature, about as horribly purple colored as the unicorn, cowering before him with a pack held for protection between himself and the god. Rubbing the bottom of his lip while arching an eyebrow aimed at the dragon, he turned his head to Twilight and asked, "This your gecko?"
"He isn't a gecko. He's a dragon," Twilight nervously said, keeping a good distance away from Hades as she made her way to Spike and gently shook his shoulder. "Spike, it's okay. He isn't a threat... just really scary looking." Hades pouted at this comment.
Spike's eyes fluttered open as he stared at Hades, the God of the Underworld just grinning and waving happily at the small dragon. Gulping down his heart that was previously clogging his throat, he set his pack down and anxiously played with his claws. "I—I knew he wasn't that bad."
"Then why was your tail tucked between your legs?" the Lord of the Dead asked, inexplicably appearing behind the dragon.
Spike nearly jumped out of his skin, instead falling to his face while running forward, his belly dragging on the ground. A hoof holding him in place on his forehead from Twilight. The mare called out to Hades, "Hey, don't be mean like that! You scared Spike!"
"Scared? Nah, the kid's just excited is all," Hades laughed, lifting the dragon by his tail and bringing his upside down head to eye level. "Isn't that right, lizard boy?"
Spike disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing in another flash of bright, purple light atop Twilight's back, her horn glowing. "I think that's enough, Hades. Your appearance is... unsettling to some ponies."
"Unsettling? Why, I never," Hades cried dramatically, clutching his heart. "I know many people don't like my skin color, teeth, robes, and even flames. But unsettling! That hurts me deeply..." Hades snapped his fingers a couple of times.
"Twilight," she said, face hoofing because she just told him her name not thirty seconds ago.
"Twilight, that really does hurt me deeply. Why, I don't know anything that could possibly make me feel better," Hades bemoaned, turning his back on the pair with his shoulders slumped and his skull basket dragging on the ground.
Twilight felt a twinge of sadness for the God of the Underworld, feeling somewhat responsible for his miserable mood. "Wait, Hades, don't go. It was wrong of Spike and me for insulting you like that. Please, stay," she said, a warm smile on her face.
Her assistant tugged at her hair, Spike's mouth near her ear as he said, "Twilight, we know nothing about this guy. He's not even a pony. Can we really trust him?"
"Spike, we already learned that lesson. Don't judge a book by its cover. Even if we know nothing about him, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt."
"Hello," Hades said, appearing in between the two while pointing to himself with both his fingers. "Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld, right here. Isn't that explanation good enough for you guys?"
"Wait, did you say Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld?" Twilight asked, a puzzled expression appearing on her face.
"The one and only," he said proudly, looking at his nails absently.
"Isn't Thanatos the God of the Dead?" she asked, her librarian prowess being put to use in the worst situation now.
Hades' evil, yellow eyes glared at the mare as his brow furrowed. "No, I am the God of the Dead, the Underworld, and everything that rots in a hole in the ground."
"I don't think so," Twilight mused, rubbing her chin with a hoof. Spike's eyes darted between the two as he desperately willed the unicorn to shut up. "I know from plenty of mythology that Thanatos is the God of Death, while Hades, or Pluto, as you're more commonly referred to, is the God of the Dead."
Hades' skin color began to rise higher and higher to a dangerous red, his blue flames becoming more yellow in appearance. "Thanatos is a demigod! A lowly lackey that works for ME! Not a God of Death!"
"Well, if I remember right, he is indeed the God of Death, while you just have the Lord title," Twilight pointed out. Spike just face palmed as Hades grew redder and redder, the temperature around them soon becoming sweltering. The pair began to back away just as Hades blew his top.
"I AM THE GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD AND ALL WHO RESIDE IN IT, INCLUDING THE DEAD! WHICH AUTOMATICALLY MAKES ME THE GOD OF DEATH!" he screamed, flames shooting off like fireworks as an inferno covered his body. For several seconds he remained like this until the flames died down to their usual blue. The God was now dusting off his robe and running a hand through his hair. "Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine," he assured.
Both Twilight and Spike were a good distance away, cowering in each other’s arms with the unicorn's mane and coat slightly singed. Walking toward them while humming, he brought his skull basket to their eyes.
"Moving on, I need groceries. Know a place where I can get pudding?"
Sugarcube Corner came to mind, but Twilight instantly snuffed that plan out. Hades' temper nearly caused her to burn to a crisp. No way was she bringing him to an eating establishment where ponies could be potentially hurt. "Well, Hades, th—"
Twilight never got to finish her words as a rainbow streak zipped through the air high above them, dive-bombing toward the God of the Dead himself. Hades merely looked at Twilight, waiting for her to finish her sentence. "Hey, anyone else hear a bee or something?" he asked, his bony finger digging into his ear to clear some wax as the rainbow streak was nearly upon him.
"Take this, demon face!" the streak yelled, none other than Rainbow Dash as she impacted with Hades. And promptly phased through his back, Hades' robes and chest taking on a smoke like appearance as Rainbow Dash came out the other side of his chest, crashing into Twilight and Spike on the other side. The trio tumbled to the ground, with the cyan pegasus promptly landing on her face while Twilight was knocked on her back. Spike wasn't too far behind them, still spinning like a top on his head.
Struggling to her hooves, Rainbow Dash rubbed at the bump on her head and glared daggers at the Lord of the Dead. "Okay buster, no more Ms. Nice Mare! The gloves come off!"
"But you're not wearing gloves," Hades pointed out as Dash leaped forward like a rainbow colored rocket, her hoof preparing to embed itself in the God's long chinned face. Before her hoof ever could reach him he transformed his body into smoke, and he soon began to slither to the knocked out Twilight and Spike. Reforming near them, he said, "Really now, isn't this uncivil?"
"Eat hoof, flame head!" Dash yelled, answering his own question for him. However, before the hotheaded pegasus could make good on her promise, an aurora of purple magic created a force field around her, halting her attack. The source of this magic was Twilight, who had finally managed to drag her body back to her hooves after her previous incident with Dash.
"Rainbow Dash, you just don't attack random pon— I mean, people like that!" Twilight yelled at her friend, a disapproving glare on her face.
"But Twilight, he's evil! Just look at him! While I was flying around town, ponies were running and screaming everywhere! And when I got here, he was on fire!" Dash shouted back at Twilight, pointing an accusing hoof at the God of the Underworld. "Pure evil, right there!"
"What am I, chopped liver? I'm only three feet away!" Hades pointed out, his muscular arms folded as he furrowed his brow at the mare.
"That may be so. But we don't know if he's evil. So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I would expect an Element of Harmony to do the same," Twilight said, a steely edge in her voice as she dismantled the force field.
Snorting one last time, Dash looked at the ground and ran a hoof through the dirt. Finally, she spoke. "Sorry, Twi."
"I shouldn't be the one you should be saying sorry to," Twilight replied, nudging Hades to get closer.
Sighing in annoyance, he walked over and reached out with his hand, saying quickly, "Hey, how ya doing? Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld and all that jazz."
Shooting a look at Twilight, Rainbow Dash laid her hoof in his palm and began to shake. "Rainbow Dash. Fastest flyer in Equestria."
"Oh my, how impressive," Hades replied, sarcasm dripping like venom from his voice. He dropped the handshake abruptly; he returned his attention to Twilight. "Now, about that pudding?"
"Pudding? There's some of that at Sugarcube Corner," Dash blurted out. Twilight face hoofed.
"Sugarcube Corner you say?" Hades asked, a devious smile on his long chinned face. "Well then, lead the way!" He pushed and prodded Dash to move to their new destination, imagining the sweet, chocolate taste already on his tongue. Twilight just followed with an unconscious Spike resting on her back, wondering why the day suddenly got so strange.
Rainbow Dash screamed at the top of her voice and leapt in the air, bringing her muzzle face to face with Hades, who was currently the one asking annoying questions nonstop. "IT'S NOT NOW! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR STUPID BLAZING HEAD!"
Hades looked over her shoulder, spotting the sign to Sugarcube Corner and the rest of the bakery, a delightful building that looked like it was ripped out of the dreams of an obese, diabetic six year old.
"Ooh, there it is!" Hades cried out, shoving Dash aside and making his way eagerly toward the sweet shop, practically skipping in joy.
Shaking her head, Rainbow Dash followed with Twilight not far behind her. "Twi, why are we even helping this guy? He's been nothing but a pain in the flank since he got here."
"Rainbow Dash, you haven't even gotten a chance to know him," Twilight pointed out, trotting past the mare. "He might look a bit grim and scary, but I'm going to hold judgment until I spend some more time with him. You never know. He might be a nice guy."
"But Twi," Dash shouted, flapping in front of her friend. "He specifically said he's the God of the Dead. How can he be a nice guy?"
"From the numerous books on mythology I've read, the God of the Dead isn't evil. He just rules over the souls of the departed. That doesn't make him a bad guy."
"Okay then... but what about the flames? And wardrobe! And teeth! Isn't that weird?" Dash shouted, drawing straws on what else to call out on Hades.
Twilight arched an eyebrow at her. "Dash, not too long ago we went up against a God of Chaos and Disharmony that had the head of a horse, legs of a goat and lizard, a snake's tail, the wings of a bat and pegasus, and the arms of a lion and eagle. Compared to Discord, Hades seems tame."
Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "Oh... yeah, right. Well, I still don't trust him."
"You don't have to," Twilight replied, smiling smugly. "Just try and be nice."
"Hey, midget horses! We headin' in or what?" Hades yelled at the pair, impatiently waiting at the doors of Sugarcube Corner. Twilight just rolled her eyes and hurried up, while Dash slumped lower to the ground and grumbled under her breath.
"Wow, it's so... tacky," Hades commented, his hand to his chin in thought as he examined his new surroundings. The shop certainly didn't improve much on the inside, with bright colors and horrid decode that made the God of the Dead squeamish just looking at it. The Underworld might be dark and bleak, but he'd prefer it any day to the mad-happy interior of Sugarcube Corner. "I mean, seriously? Gingerbread men?" he said, pointing to the painted figures on the walls.
"It's a sweet shop. What do you expect?" Twilight asked, setting the still sleeping Spike on a chair by a table. "Hey Dash, mind helping me get some water?"
"Sure thing, Twi," Rainbow Dash replied, giving Hades a glare out of the corner of her eye as she made her way in the kitchen. Just as she opened the door a bright pink streak zipped out past Dash, breaking the sound barrier in an instant without causing so much as a breeze.
The streak of pink was revealed as Pinkie Pie, the party pony jumping up and down in her usual sugar-tastic excitement. "Oh boy! We have a brand new customer!" she screamed joyfully, jumping on Hades' chest and cupping both his cheeks in her hooves while turning her eyes unnaturally wide to stare at him. "What's your name? Why is your skin gray? Why is your hair on fire? Why is it blue? Do you floss your teeth, because they're really sharp and pointy?"
Hades' brow furrowed as he dissolved into smoke, only to reappear several feet away from her, brushing off his robes. "Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld. This is just the way I look, and no, I don't floss my teeth. Who actually does that?"
Pinkie Pie just squealed in happiness and continued to bounce around, her movement so quick Hades had trouble following it. "A God! This is a first time a God visited Sugarcube Corner. Though I think you can count Celestia as one. Are Princesses considered Gods? Discord is one, but he didn't visit. But there was plenty of chocolate rain instead! Which was so sweet, with the cotton candy clouds and candy everywhere!"
Hades scooted over to Twilight and leaned down to her ear, whispering, "Hey, is the pink one's head screwed loose or something?"
The unicorn just giggled and shook her head. "Nah, she's just being Pinkie Pie. Ponyville's resident party pony."
"Ponyville? That's what you call this town?" Hades asked, a flabbergasted look on his pointy nosed face.
"Um, yeah," Twilight answered hesitantly.
"Oh yeah! You just arrived in Ponyville!" Pinkie shouted, gasping when the implications of such an event dawned on her. "Be right back!" And in another flash of pink she disappeared, the opening of the doors to the kitchen the only clue to where she went.
Rainbow Dash walked out of the door she entered, carrying a glass of water on her back. "I miss anything?" she asked, walking over to Spike and setting the water down in front of him with a wing.
"Other than the most hyped up person I've ever met asking me a whole bunch of weird questions, and the fact you guys named your town after horrible puns, than no," he said, crossing his muscular arms and pouting. "And I still didn’t get any pudding..."
Twilight began to shake Spike awake, his forehead resting on the counter as he snored quietly. "We'll get you pudding, don't worry. Be patient while I wake Spike up."
The small dragon opened one eye, still groggy and sore from the impact he received at Rainbow Dash's crash. "Huh, what happened?" he asked, stretching and yawning to loosen his muscles.
"Dash crashed into us, you got knocked unconscious, and I got you some water in case you're thirsty," Twilight quickly answered, floating the glass of water over so her assistant could quench his parched throat. Nodding, he took a big gulp of his drink, his eyes wandering about to his new surroundings, which was Sugarcube Corner. Rainbow Dash was here, along with...
Spike spit out his water, his spit-take unfortunately being cast in Twilight's direction. "Hades! He's still—"
"Here?" the Lord of the Dead interrupted Spike, appearing by his side in an instant as he leaned closer to the dragon. "So nice of you for noticing."
"Now Hades, no funny business, okay?" Twilight said, wiping the backwash water from her face with a cloth. Rainbow Dash snickered, but Twilight chose to ignore her.
"Hey, the only business I deal with is all about the laughs," he said, casting a sadistic grin to the mare. "People really have a good sense of humor when they're dead."
"Can we please not mention dead people?" Dash interrupted, a grimace on her face. "Keep your line of work to yourself."
Hades just held his hands up in defeat. "Fine, fine. Just making casual conversation while I wait for my pudding!" he yelled, his flames becoming a bright orange for a moment.
"Did someone say pudding?" Pinkie asked, inexplicably sticking her head out of a candy jar several feet away.
"Um... yeah," he said, mystified how the pony managed to pop from a jar of all places. Maybe these colorful freaks had stranger powers than he thought. "Main reason why I came over."
"Well, let me get you some then!" she cheerfully answered, dropping back in the jar.
"Anyone mind explaining to me how she does that?" he asked, hoping the other bakery patrons might be able to shed some light on the pink one's abilities.
"She's random," Dash said, flopping down on her rump on the floor.
"She's crazy," Spike added in, jumping off his seat.
"She's Pinkie Pie. You'll get used to it soon enough," Twilight said, the unicorn digging through her bag to double check the supplies she got with Spike not more than thirty minutes ago.
"And she now has pudding!" the pink mare yelled, bouncing back to the group with a bowl full of the stuff balanced atop her head. Stopping in front of the dark god, her neck stretched forward abnormally so he may partake in his new treat. A spoon rested in the bowl of brown, chocolate goodness.
"About time!" Hades yelled, grabbing the spoon and sloshing in a mouthful. Instantly his flames grew a bright blue and he moaned in happiness. "By the Titans, this is good stuff. I don't think I've eaten grub this great, even on Olympus!" And with that he gulped down his food, the insanely awesome tasting pudding never leaving his lips for too long.
Pinkie giggled and spun around in circles, shouting, "He likes it, he likes it! Another for the mare with the mad bake skills! Let me get a holler!"
"Go Pinkie!" Spike yelled.
"You're the mare!" Dash added, a determined grin on her face.
"Your culinary skills know no end," Twilight chimed in, rolling her eyes slightly with a smile on her face at the party pony's behavior.
"I agree with that statement," the Lord of the Dead said, having polished off the remainder of the pudding in the bowl. He burped, flames leaping from his mouth that smelled of slightly burned sugar. "Got any more?" he eagerly asked, holding out the bowl.
Pinkie Pie replied by cracking her neck and grinning almost as madly as the God of the Underworld himself. "I always have more! To the bakery!"
"Um... I think it's time for less pudding," Pinkie remarked, never in her whole life thinking she'd utter those words. But after seeing what she just saw, you'd agree.
There was Hades, Lord of the Dead, stuffing his face with every treat, sweet, snack, and sugary morsel in Sugarcube Corner. Everything was up for grabs. "Mmm, this sure beats the Underworld grub any day!" Hades shouted, before gulping down six donuts at once. It seemed that his shape shifting ability was being put to good use as he enlarged his mouth to sizes that would put even Pinkie to shame, shoving as much food as possible and then some into his gullet. A gullet that belonged to a God, which technically made it bottomless.
"It's like a watching two ponies run smack into each other, headfirst," Rainbow Dash quipped in, a hoof held up to her mouth in a mix of shock and nausea. "You know it's awful, but you can't look away."
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Spike moaned, his face a sickly green after watching Hades dig into yet another cake. The God of the Underworld then melted an entire quadruple-decker sundae and began to guzzle it down.
Seconds later Spike could be heard barfing in the bathroom.
"Hades, maybe you should tone it down a little," Twilight spoke up, worried that her friends and herself would be the next up over the toilet. And there's also the fact nearly all the food was gone.
Hades' smoky robes formed into a napkin and wiped some icing off his face. "What? And miss more of this stuff? I think not!" he yelled, moving onto a mountain of cupcakes that was quickly being depleted to a molehill.
Just then the door opened, revealing the familiar yellow pegasus,
Fluttershy. "Hello everyone. I just came over because I was in the mood for s—s—some..." Fluttershy's eyes bulged out at the sight of all three of her friends' green faces and the intimidating stranger with the blue flamed hair currently smacking down on the last remaining cupcakes in the bakery. "... cupcakes."
She squeaked in fright and rushed to the nearest table, cowering under it with her hooves protecting her head. Pinkie just continued to stare at Hades in awe, Dash face hoofed at Fluttershy's fearfulness, and Twilight trotted over to her friend, worried. "Fluttershy, there's no reason to hide. He's not dangerous."
"I beg to differ," Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath, only for Hades to appear beside her with an icing covered smile.
"And I beg to agree," he laughed, licking his fingers to collect the last traces of sweet, sweet icing and sprinkles. "So, ya know who McCowering is?"
"You mean Fluttershy? She's just shy is all," Dash said with a wave of her hoof. "And she probably got scared from your appearance."
Hades scratched his inferno-engulfed head in confusion. "Wonder why. Didn't even say a word to her..." A light bulb suddenly appeared over his head as realization hit him, along with the light bulb melting into a puddle of glass on the ground due to his flames. With a snap of his fingers he disappeared and promptly reappeared in smoky explosion next to the trembling Fluttershy. Bending down under the table, he held his hand out and said, "Hello, Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld here. How ya doin'?"
"AH!" Fluttershy screeched, or attempted to. All that came out of her mouth was the faintest of screams.
Hades, his hand still held out, frowned. "Hey, are you just gonna leave your mouth open so a bug can fly in or are you gonna shake my hand?"
She shook her head and scooted away, wrapping her hooves around Twilight's foreleg. Twilight face hoofed and sighed in disappointment. "Like I said before, Hades, some ponies like Fluttershy are... put off by your appearance."
"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" he yelled, a faint hint of red emerging in his gray skin tone. "I am Hades, God of the Underworld! Of course I look like this!"
"Maybe you can..." Twilight brightened up and gave him a wide grin when the idea finally hit her. "Change your appearance! Make yourself less intimidating with your powers. Turn yourself into a pony even? How does that sound?"
The Lord of the Dead rubbed his chin in thought for a good ten seconds, only to break out laughing soon afterward. "Me, less intimidating? And actually degrade myself into looking like one of you candy colored freaks? No thank you!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "It was only a suggestion."
"And my suggestion to you is jump off a cliff," he teased, pinching her cheek. Once her hoof shoved his hand away, he bent down to Fluttershy's level and tugged at her tail. "So, ya gonna talk or what?"
The pink maned pegasus instantly blushed when she felt her tail being pulled. Scrunching her eyes, she said, "Hello! Goodbye!" And with that she shoved her face deeper into Twilight's leg. Unfortunately for her, a glow of magic from Twilight's horn pulled her off and laid her on the ground.
"Fluttershy, Hades just wants to talk. Just try," Twilight encouraged her friend.
The God of the Underworld impatiently tapped his foot as Fluttershy got to her hooves, shaking like a mobile home in the middle of a tornado. Finally, after a few tense seconds of silence while Hades looked at a watch that somehow appeared on his wrist, Fluttershy whispered, "Hello, I'm Fluttershy."
Hades cupped a hand to his ear and leaned closer. "Say that again. Didn't quite catch that."
"Hello, I'm Fluttershy," she repeated herself while trying to hide behind her mane.
"Hmm, I'm catching the hello part, but not the name. Now was it... Buttershy? Or Flutterbutt? Can't decide," he teased, a lewd smile on his face.
"No, it's Fluttershy," she said more forcibly, her face reddening at the rude use of her name.
"Well now, finally upped the volume past one, eh?" he chuckled, dissolving into his smoke form once more. This caused the pegasus to jump up in terror, only to be caught in a one armed hug by Hades as he laughed merrily. "Ha! You mortals are so easy to mess with!"
Fluttershy struggled in his arm, wanting to get as far as possible from the sharp-toothed smile of the God of the Underworld. Rainbow Dash took note of this and yelled, "Yo, hothead, let her go already!"
"Right after I ask her a question!" Hades replied, one finger pointed upward in a sign of waiting. "So, Fluttershy," he said, squeezing her cheeks together in his hand. "What was it that brought you here today? I believe you said something about...?"
"Cupcakes," she blurted out, shaking her head to dislodge his hand. "I felt like buying a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner."
"Cupcake you say? Like... this one?" he asked, a red icing cupcake appearing in his hand in a plume of smoke.
"Oh yes!" Fluttershy agreed, her mouth watering at the sight of the delicious treat.
Hades wasn't paying attention, as he had just popped the cupcake in his mouth and was smacking his red icing covered lips with a content sigh.
"Hey, that was the last one!" Pinkie shouted, pointing to the last remaining crumbs of the once glorious cupcake mountain.
"That was a very rude thing to do, Hades. You should've shared with Fluttershy," Twilight said, giving the God a disapproving stare.
Hades scoffed and waved his hand off at her. "Ah, big deal. She didn't get her treat. Whoopty doo."
"B—But I wanted one," Fluttershy said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Just then the doors of the sweet shop opened yet again. This time it revealed Rarity and Applejack, the purple maned unicorn and orange coated earth pony stopping in their tracks at the sight of the room. There was both Twilight and Rainbow Dash giving disapproving, or in Dash's case, evil glares at a tall, dark, and flame-headed figure with his arm currently wrapped around Fluttershy. And there was red stuff smeared all over his face and pointy teeth.
And to complete this context is needed scene, Spike walked out of the bathroom wiping his mouth, just noticing Applejack and Rarity with their mouths open staring at Hades in shock while a silence hung over the room.
"Hmm... reasonable explanations why," Hades said aloud, red frosting still covering his face. Fluttershy was still in his arms, two new mares suddenly enter the sweet shop, and one clearly confused dragon is in the middle of it. Shrugging, he chucked Fluttershy over his shoulder. "Nah, I ain't got nothing."
"Ya no good varmint!" Applejack yelled, charging forward to tackle the creature that just abused Fluttershy like that. But like with Dash, she passed right through the bottom of his robes as if they were smoke, reappearing on the other side. And of course she had to crash into Fluttershy, the two tumbling across the floor and crashing into the wall, wrapped in the other's body.
"Sheesh you two, get a room!" he laughed, licking the last traces of red frosting from his face.
"Hades, that wasn't a nice thing to do!" Twilight scolded him, reaching Applejack and Fluttershy and trying her best to untangle the two.
"Yeah, definitely not cool, man," Dash agreed, glaring at the devious god.
"Cool? Baby, I'm the definition of cool. I'm the God of Cool. I am the pantheon of coolness!" Hades put on a pair of stylish black shades he acquired from out of nowhere. "Word to yo mother."
"... would someone please mind explaining to me what is going on?" Rarity asked loudly, her head turning left and right in exasperation.
"This jerk is the God of the Underworld, Hades," Dash said through gritted teeth, wanting nothing more in the world than to drive a hoof through that smug smile of his. "He appeared out of nowhere, ate all the sweets in the bakery, and has acted like a total—"
"—ly super awesome guy," Hades interrupted her, leaning on her head with his elbow while adjusting his shades. "Yep, the best ever. Can't beat him. Which is what she was about to say."
Dash scowled. "I was no—" But her lips were magically sealed, Hades having snapped his fingers nonchalantly.
"As she was saying, I'm the raddest dude to arrive in this popsicle- or should I rather say, pony stand, you call a town."
Rarity grimaced at the sight of him. His robes were the most dreadful color of bleak she had ever seen, and his skin resembled ash. Not to mention his atrocious dental hygiene and what appeared to be yellow, infected eyes. But the creme of the crop would have to go to his hair, which was simply... "Majestic," she whispered in awe, her eyes turning starry.
"... um, someone gonna explain that to me?" he asked, pointing a thumb over his shoulder at the drooling mare.
"No time!" Pinkie yelled, waving her arms like noodles in the air. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake will be here soon, there's no pastries left, and Hades still hasn't paid!"
Applejack finally managed to untangle herself from Fluttershy, who had fainted from the impact. Adjusting her Stetson back atop her blonde mane, she huffed in annoyance, glaring hot daggers of hate at the one god responsible. "I don't care if yer the God of Everything, there's no way ya can treat mah friends like this."
"I second that!" Dash shouted, standing by her friend and shooting the same look Applejack was directing at Hades.
"Whoa, what's with all the hate?" Hades asked, snapping his fingers and reappearing next to Spike. "And to show such hate in front of the children. For shame, for shame."
"I agree," Rarity said, and nearly the rest of the girls gasped in shock, except for Fluttershy was still unconscious and Pinkie Pie who was pulling out her pink, frizzy mare trying to figure out a plan to restock the shelves and get the money to pay for all the merchandise Hades gobbled up. "What?" she accused the group, "I believe in not judging a book by its cover. And while Hades' cover is a tad... drab, there's some nice points to him."
"Like what?" Dash spat out.
Rarity was practically floating on her hooves, her blue eyes shimmering like sapphires as they stared in the blue flames of Hades' hairdo. "Well, his hair for one thing. Those flames are simply devine. You simply have to tell me how you got your hair like that, darling."
Hades snapped his fingers and a shampoo bottle appeared in his hand, the squirter top in the shape of a skull and the entire thing resembling a casket. "Hellay, shampoo and conditioner in one. Guaranteed to give you the most hellish hair in the Underworld and above."
Applejack stomped her hoof on the floor, the thunk of the wood catching everyone's attention. "I don't care what type of shampoo ya use. Are ya gonna pay Pinkie back fer all the treats ya ate, or not?"
Twilight arched an eyebrow at Hades herself, trotting closer to the god. "What Applejack said. You do have money to pay for every pastry you consumed here, don't you?"
"Um... yeah," Hades gulped, patting his sides. "Uh, I seem to have lost my wallet at home. If I can go get it real fast, I'll be sure to pay right away..."
"A gentleman always has money present to pay for necessities," Rarity reminded him, pulling out a mirror out of nowhere and adjusting her lusciously smooth, purple locks while holding the demonic looking shampoo bottle in a hoof, questioning how her hair would look if it was on fire.
When Hades turned to the door he discovered it was blocked by a trio of ponies, an angry Rainbow Dash accompanied by Applejack and Twilight, whose glowing horn a clear sign that she teleported them there. "Oh no you don't, mister," Twilight scolded the god, completely unfazed at his devilish appearance like she was only minutes ago. "You need to pay up."
Hades tapped his chin in thought for a minute, then turned to the frantic pink mare and yelled out, "Hey Pinkie, can you put it on my tab?"
"What's a tab?"
"Darn," he sighed under his breath, rubbing his brows. From in between his fingers he looked out and noticed the baby dragon still standing there and watching. Leaning down closer and cupping a hand so only he could hear, he asked, "Psst, kid, loan me some cash?"
"Um, sure," Spike replied, digging into his pockets and pulling out wadded bubble gum wrappers, lint, string, and two pennies.
Staring back at the ponies, Hades asked, "Will this cover it, or should I leave a generous tip?"
"Nope. All these sweets need to be paid in full, or else Sugarcube Corner will go out of business," Twilight explained.
"FOREVER!" Pinkie yelled for dramatic effect, once again appearing from the mysterious space of Pinkiedom, and yet again next to the girls while everyone face hoofed. It was here that she realized she might be out of a job and home soon, and her normally fluffy mane fell straight down and she started whimpering.
"Dagnabit, look what ya made her do," Applejack scolded Hades, moving to Pinkie's side in an attempt to comfort her. "Now she might lose her job all cause ya had to snack on ever darn sugary sweet in the joint."
Hades thought this over for a moment, and came to a startling conclusion. He didn't owe them anything. Heck, he was a god! He didn't pay for mortal pleasures, and he sure as hell wasn't about to be scolded by some pathetic mortal who thinks she's tough stuff. Grinning wickedly like a maniac to his victim before the kill, he pulled up his sleeves and said, "Well then, why would I pay in the first place, hmm?"
"Because if Sugarcube Corner goes out of business, no more pudding and other sweets for you," Twilight deducted, a smug grin on her egghead face.
Hades raised a finger up to argue, but none came to mind. He dropped his hand and pouted, turning his back to the group. "Fine, I'll pay. You guys don't mind sticking around with me while I go back home to get my wallet?"
"Not at all," Twilight replied, Rarity, Dash, and Applejack shooting her a look while Spike bounced in place happily at the prospect of adventure.
"Okay then. Though here's a warning. I haven't cleaned the place in eons. Also, it smells like death," he chuckled, moving past the group and walking out the door. Applejack and Rainbow Dash merely shrug their shoulders and followed, while Rarity arched an expertly trimmed eyebrow at Twilight. Twilight rolled her eyes, not saying a word as Spike shuffled on her back and was practically hopping in his seat.
Soon the sweet shop was empty, all except for one mare, who awoke with a fright. Fluttershy shakily returned to all her hooves and groaned, rubbing a bump on her head she received from her nasty fall with Applejack. Scanning the barren room, she whispered, "Um, hello, is anypony here?"
"Oh, I wouldn't say anypony, my sweet," a grim voice said from above her, laughing wickedly. Fluttershy felt a drop of water fall in her mane. Reaching over to feel it, she realize with horror that it was saliva.
She looked up at the ceiling, her pupils growing wide. "O-oh dear."
“Pinkie, I swear, if you sing that song one more time,” Hades warned, a perpetual scowl etched on his face since the beginning of the trip. The entire time the group of ponies had been walking, Pinkie continued to sing that insidiously catchy song of hers.
“Oh, stop being such a stick in the mud!” Pinkie giggled, sitting on the god of the Underworld’s shoulder like a sugar induced version of a pirate’s parrot. “Singing songs with friends is fun, fun, fun!”
“I swear, you’re worse than Disney!” he muttered his his breath, shivering slightly. “This is the reason why I had no sequels. They couldn’t pay me enough to sing one of those insufferable songs.”
“Hades, whatcha talking about?” Pinkie asked, roasting a marshmallow on a stick using Hades’ flamey hairdo. Where she got the marshmallow and stick would remain a mystery.
Picking her up and dropping her to the floor with a disgruntled huff, Hades said, “Nevermind. I barely got outta that contract deal with my life. Well, unlife, anyways.”
“Hey flamehead, how much longer?” Dash yelled behind Hades, having the type of scowl he had on her face as well.
“Déjà vu,” Hades noted, trudging along as Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie trailed behind him. “We’ll be there soon enough! Just hold your horses!” Hades got a good chuckle out of that joke, while the mares just traded perplexed looks.
“If I remember correctly, the entrance to Tartarus should be around here somewhere,” Twilight said, staring off into the distance in hopes of spotting the famous entrance to the Underworld.
“You been there before?” Hades asked, not really surprised. For being the land of the dead and eternal home of monsters and evil creatures alike, he always had a surprisingly high amount of visitors, and not just in the ghostly variety. There was always some dimwitted hero or demigod stirring up trouble for him or wanting to save a lost loved one, though they never really succeed in the long run. He made sure of that.
“Well, only at the entrance,” she admitted. “Your dog Cerberus broke out one time and terrorized Ponyville. Thanks to Fluttershy managing to calm him down, I was able to lead him back to the gates.”
Wouldn’t be the last time that guard dog of his broke out. He should really have put a leash on that thing, or have Pain and Panic act as his chew toy more often.
“Actually, does anypony know where Fluttershy is?” Twilight asked, finding that the shy pegasus was nowhere to be found among themselves.
Applejack shrugged. “Guess she stayed at the bakery. Bettin’ she wouldn’t have wanted to come to Tartarus anyhow.”
Rarity nodded in agreement. “No need to frighten the poor mare with the Underworld, after all. I’m sure she’ll be fine back at Ponyville while Hades pays Pinkie Pie.”
“Hey, if I’m supposed to be payin’ the pink one here, then why are the rest of ya following me?” Hades asked, not getting why more ponies than necessary were following him.
“Why, to see your home, of course,” Rarity answered, just the striking image of neighborly manners. “It isn’t everyday that one gets to a tour around the land of the dead.”
“Yeah, exactly my point. The land of the dead. Meaning, why would you come along to a place like that?” he asked in exasperation. These ponies definitely didn’t look up to stuff to handle the horrors that Tartarus inflicted on mortals.
“Oh, it’s no big deal, really,” she said, trotting ever so gracefully with her beautifully curled mane bobbing with each of her hoof-falls. “I’ve been underground before, and handled myself pretty well, actually.”
“That’s right, partner. Rarity here is one tough gal, that’s for sure,” Applejack agreed, smiling at her friend.
“Oh you.” Rarity blushed and waved her hoof off. “I still have you girls to thank for getting me out of that bind.”
Ugh, friendship moments. Hades’ one weakness. Other than trashy romances. He swore, if they started kissing each other, he was hightailing it to the next universe right away.
“If we can stop the cheesy shared praise for just a moment, we’re here,” Hades said, pointing to the sunken earth cave hidden in the nearby shade of some tall oak trees. Snapping his fingers, he appeared there in an instant, causing the others to run over to the entrance to catch up.
With a dramatic flourish of his arms that was lost upon his bored face, Hades introduced the girls to the large rock cave formation and said, “Welcome to the entrance to Underworld, otherwise known as Tartarus, Nav, Elysium, Mictlan, Diyu, Niflheim, Asphodel Meadows, Patala, Xibalba, H-E-double toothpicks, etcetera, etcetera.”
Applejack whistled. “Hot dang, why does it have so many names.”
“Because mortal can’t make up their damn minds,” Hades grumbled, entering the intimidating darkness of the cavern. Looking over his shoulder, he called out, “Anyone else coming along?”
“I dunno. It’s awfully dark down there,” Rarity said, her early confidence having vastly shrunk once the imposing blackness of the mouth of the cave was seen. Facepalming at their cowardliness, Hades’ burning hairstyle suddenly flared up, casting a blue glow surrounding himself and casting more light in the Underworld.
“There, happy? Now hurry it up, I ain’t got all day. I’ll pay you for the sweets and baked goods, then it’s sayonara! Us gods have busy schedules too you know.”
Still nopony stepped forward, until Rainbow Dash was the first to break off from the others. “It’s just a dingy cave. No big deal,” she said courageously, while on the inside she was secretly panicking over being in the same place the dead went to rest. She’d seen enough zombie movies to know this didn’t end well.
Evidently that was all the prompting the other girls needed, because they quickly trotted after the two and got their first good look at the land of the dead, and boy was it anticlimactic.
Stalactites hung like knives over a ready meal overhead, dropping drops of water that echoed anonymously in the large cavern. The floor was wet, and the faint smell of mildew along with stale air surrounded them. Really, it was what you’d expect of a cave. Dark, claustrophobic, and generally not a nice place to be. That is, until they spotted the river.
It glowed an eerie pale blue, and swirled and rippled as if millions of fish were moving in its waters. Upon closer inspection the girls realized with horror it wasn’t fish at all. Not even close.
It was the dead. Their spirits flowed down the river in an endless stream, howls and long walish screams springing up from their ghostly forms. One could even distinguish one ghost from another in the sickly blue tide, their faces contorted to anguish and terror.
“Well, here it is girls. The River Styx. So far the best guaranteed way to transport spirits into the Underworld and keep ne'er do wells out. Also, Jehovah Witnesses and girl scouts.” Looking down at the five mares, Hades noted they were all stricken by unbelievable horror at the sight of so many souls of the deceased traveling down a one way trip to the afterlife.
After a few seconds of extremely awkward silence, Hades sighed and snapped his fingers repeatedly. “Come on, come on. Like I said, I’d like to get this over and done with before the next century.”
“Um, H-Hades, h-how exactly are we supposed to cross?” Rarity asked, having no intentions or purposes of dipping one hoof into the river.
Hades snapped his fingers, and from the fog that hung over the river appeared a stark black boat. A ferryman could be seen pushing the boat through the waters that made up the dead, though calling him a man was a long shot.
“Everyone, meet Charon. Charon, meet the new arrivals to the Underworld,” Hades introduced, pointing with a thumb over his shoulder to the mares.
Upon closer inspection the girls realized that Charon was either a skeleton or the skinniest man alive, if he WAS even alive. His skin hung close to his bones, making his hips and ribs clearly seen. He had no pupils, only sunken holes in his head that only spoke of darkness. With only final tug he brought the boat to shore, the ferryman staring down at the small group with what would have been disapproving eyes, if he had some.
“These are still fresh,” he spoke in a raspy voice, rubbing his chin with a clawed skeletal hand. “You know the price they must pay for me to ferry them.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, sheesh. I’ll give you a two cent raise. That good enough?” Hades said, tapping his foot beneath his robe, wanting this process to hurry up.
Charon answered with a simple nod of his head, moving to the end of the boat and waving his hand to enter. The mares were hesitant to step aboard, not counting the fact that they were about to board a boat to enter the land of the dead while traveling down a literal river of souls.
Dash gulped and looked to the sky, or rather in this case, ceiling. “I think I’ll just fly across, if it’s all the same.”
Hades chuckled, pointing with a finger overhead. “Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Dashie. You’ll just make it easier for the harpies to get an airborne snack.”
Several shrieks and laughter could be heard near the top of the Underworld, and hidden in the shadows of the stalactites were the winged forms of grotesque women with legs of predatory birds and razor sharp teeth filling their maws.
It was at this point that everypony quickly climbed aboard, Rainbow Dash practically throwing herself on the craft. Dusting off his hands together for a job well done, Hades joined them, the boat leaving the shore with Charon guiding it through the river.
Twilight stared overboard, observing several of the faces of those long gone. “So, does everyone dead end up here? Even ponies?”
Hades leaned nonchalantly back on the bowsprit of the boat, staring over his fingernails. “Nah. That’s just for the Greeks. I may be Lord of the Dead, but I’m only lord of a certain type of dead, and to put it laymen’s terms, only those mortal that worship the religion I’m dealing in end up in my Underworld.”
“Does that mean there’s an Underworld for ponies too?” Pinkie asked, leaning dangerously close over the edge of the boat to see how close she can get her hoof near the departed souls.
“Probably. Heck if I know. I’m still new to you ponies, so I still know nothing about your gods or afterlife,” Hades replied, beating down with his foot when a soul tried to grab his leg. Even after dragging himself out of the River Styx the icy touch of those lost souls still gave him the creeps.
“Where do all these souls end up to anyhow?” Applejack asked, wisely sticking to the center of the craft to avoid any unwanted attention or grabs by the river.
“Some end up in Tartarus for being bad. The lowest, darkest, and plain nastiest point of the Underworld. There they toil in the Fields of Punishment for all of eternity, tortured with no rest 24/7,” Hades replied, drumming his fingers as he crossed his arm in a bored manner.
“T-that sounds awful,” Rarity said, staring down at the river of souls with pity. “Who could possibly deserve something like that.”
“I could tell you, but I’d prefer to keep this trip PG-rated if I can,” Hades explained. “Anyways, next up is the Asphodel Meadows, or Purgatory if you wanna think of it like that. That’s where normal souls who led unremarkable lives and were generally not really all that evil or good end up in.”
“So what do they do there?” Dash asked, having grown a bit more confident after her earlier fright with the harpies.
“Oh, you know. Sit around, lay back, do nothing.” Hades shrugged his shoulders. “Usual stuff.”
“That sounds awfully boring,” Twilight said, reaching back to pull Pinkie away from dipping her entire face into the river.
“Oh, it is, but it’s not like I care. It’s my job to run this place, not care about the souls which end up here.”
“It seems like you don’t like your job very much,” Rarity noted, casting a dubious eye at Hades.
Hades let out a sharp bark of laughter, his razor sharp smile making everyone uncomfortable. “Oh, you don’t even know half of it!”
After a few seconds of even more awkward silence, Hades turned away and scowled in the distance at the bow of the boat. “Okay then, next up is Elysian Fields, otherwise known as the place where every goody-two-shoes ends up in.”
“Ooh, what’s it like?” Pinkie asked eagerly, a bubbly smile on her face. “Do you have nonstop parties? Games? Cupcakes? Games about cupcakes?”
“How should I know? I’m not allowed in there,” he replied sharply, his scowl increasing. “It’s separate from my domain, where all the righteous and heroic end up in. Meaning not me.”
Everyone stayed silent now, Hades’ hair briefly flaring up orange before returning to its normal hue of blue. Walking up to the god of the Underworld, Pinkie said, “If you want, we can always throw a party back at Ponyville for you. I never did throw one of my famous ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ parties for you yet.”
Hades stared down at Pinkie with a shocked expression on his face. Did she just say she wanted to throw a party for him? Him, Hades, the one guy you never invited to a party? Not even the other Greek Gods would invite him to their shindigs if they could avoid it. Probably because he’s tried so many times to take over Olympus, but still. He’s never had a party thrown especially for him before.
But before he could answer, the boat docked at the shore of the other side of the Styx, Charon bowing down to show them their travel was over. Each mare carefully hopped down on the ground, glad to not be floating over the river of souls any longer. Hades was the last to depart, still mulling over what Pinkie offered him.
“Hey Hades, what’s this?” Twilight called out, pointing to something in the sand. Joining her by her side, he inspected the rather large footprint in the sand. It was hard to make out, but something monstrously big made it all right.
Hades shrugged. “Eh, could just be a passing monster or demon. But no need to worry. The worse of them won’t try to attack ya with me by your side... hopefully.”
“Hopefully?” Rarity gulped, quickly backing away from the footprint that was quite larger than her body.
“Don’t worry. Cerberus keeps the baddies in check. With him on patrol, there’s no chance at them causing any ruckus,” he assured them, seemingly gliding over the sand of the shore of the Styx. Without even turning back, Hades shouted, “And if you don’t want to become a monster’s snack, I would advise sticking close to me!”
The girls did just that, all five of them forming a perimeter around the god as he entered his domain, Tartarus.
“Welcome to the Underworld!” Hades said, spreading his arms wide once him and the group of mares reached the crest of the sandy hill leading to the River Styx. Each of the girls awed and gasped in surprise at the truly spectacular yet terrifying sight.
“Wow, it’s all so… so… dark,” Rarity noted, barely able to make out the deep crevices of the beneath the earth world.
“You know how much lighting I have to pay for this place?” Hades asked, already floating down the hill with hardly a glance behind himself. Each of the mares quickly reached his side to avoid being left behind. “Be thankful you can still see two feet in front of yourself.”
“Well, I think it’s really cool!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing around the Lord of Death in the same cheerful manner just like on the surface. Gazing down at the perpetual pit of never ending suffering and judgement of souls with curious eyes, Pinkie said, “Who knew the place of the dead was just so lively?”
“Yeah, it’s a real pasture full of sunshine down here,” Hades muttered under his breath, starting down the road to the deeper dwellings of the Underworld.
Applejack nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a horrible shriek somewhere off to the distance, ending with a guteral roar of something equally terrifying not too far off. "Dang, what's down here anyhow?" Applejack asked their godly guide, tucking her stetson more securely on her head.
"Oh, the usual," Hades replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "Monsters, the dead, ghosts, ghouls, abominations of darkness so terrifying that your mind couldn't possibly comprehend the unimaginable evil they expel, and... and..." Hades snapped his fingers several time. "Oh yeah, and an unusually high amount of roaches. Really need to call an exterminator sometime."
"That's just awful," Twilight said. She scooted over closer to Hades when she noticed several red eyes staring intently on her and her friends from the darkness off the side of the road.
Hades smiled his trademark wicked sharp-tooth grin. "And guess who has to run the joint?"
"Well, this place could certainly use more maintenance," Rarity noted, scrunching her nose at the creatures following the group. "I mean, seriously, do you do any housework at all? And when was the last time you redecorated?"
"A millennia or two," Hades replied, hopping over a skeleton warrior that had been impaled on the ground from a sword through his ribs. The rest of the mares carefully walked around the undead monster.
Noticing that the area around themselves was slowly growing darker with a dank stench drifting through the air, Dash held a hoof to her nose and said, "Man, what stinks? Hades, have you ever bothered to take the trash outta this place?"
"That's just the Fields of Punishment," Hades said, picking up speed as he drifted forward faster. The other struggled to catch up faster, the darkness soon giving way to a crimson red.
"Fields of Punishment?" Applejack asked. "What the hay is that?"
"The most bustling part of Tartarus!" Hades laughed, finally reaching the end of the road they had been traveling on at the top of the hill.
When the other joined him, most wished they had never lied eyes on it. The Fields of Punishment was a great expanse of red earth, caused by volcanic heat and magma pouring from the ground throughout the entire land area. It was so huge one could scarcely make out the end of it. But what was quickly apparent about the Fields was that it most certainly lived up to its Punishment title.
"Are there... people down there?" Twilight asked, making out several figures in the fields below. "And are they being tortured?"
"They better be, from how much I pay those demons." Hades sighed under his breath, holding a hand to his forehead. "Ever since the demons organized into unions there's been no end to my troubles. First better working conditions, then more vacation days, and now I'm paying these guys more! I'm trying to run an eternal afterlife of pure pain here, yet the torturers think they're working at a five-star spa from the amount I'm forced to shell out." Hades wiped his face and unusually elongated chin. "What has this world come to?"
"Evil?" Dash guessed, wincing at the sight of a few of those demons going to work right with an eager vigor. The screams that perpetrated the air was a sure sign that they did their job well.
"Nah, that was already a given," Hades said with a wave of his hand. "I was thinking more modernized. Can you believe they want gender seperate locker rooms now? Unbelievable!"
"C-can we leave now?" Twilight muttered, shrinking from the view. "I think we've seen enough."
"Indeed," Rarity agreed, turning her nose from the terror-inducing plane of torture. "This place is positively horrific. Hardly the place for a lady."
"I think I'm gonna be sick if I stick around," Applejack said, a green tint appearing on her cheeks.
Dash rolled her eyes with a smug grin on her face. "Come on, guys, stop being foals. If this is the worse Tartarus has to offer, then I can take a handle anything!"
"Well, looks like Dashie is on board for the full tour!" Hades said, hugging Rainbow Dash with one arm as he spread his hand through the air dramatically. "In the 'Tartaus Tours Package' we'll travel to the rivers of blood, maybe take a dip in the pool of suffering souls, go for a walk through the forest of the damned, and then stop for ice cream at the toxic dairy byproducts factory."
Wiggling out of his grip, Dash fell to the ground and backed away quickly from Hades' devious smirk. "I-I think good."I’m good.”
“Excellent! Then we shall depart to my chambers where I pay you off." Hades snapped his fingers, a demonic looking door in the shape of a skull appearing in a plume of smoke before him. "Don't expect a tip either."
"Hey, wait , where's Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "I haven't seen her since we started talking about leaving."
"Wasn't she right next to Applejack?" Dash asked, staring quizingly at the orange coated mare.
"Heck, I have no idea," Applejack replied with a shrug. "It's impossible to keep an eye on that mare."
"Then we simply must find her right away. Who knows what horrors this place has that can prey on her," Rarity said, holding a hoof to her chin.
Hades peered down further into the Fields of Punishment, his fiery eyebrows drooped down to an irritated frown. "I think I have a pretty good idea." Grumbling under his breath, he said, "Wait here," right before he disappeared in a snap of his fingers.
Appearing in the center of the torture capital of the Underworld, Hades found Pinkie chatting it up with some of its guests.
"And then I said 'Oatmeal? Are you crazy?' and then–"
"It wasn't funny the first time you said it," Hades said behind her, lifting her up by the tuft of her poofy mane. "What do you think you're doing here?"
"Well, keeping these guys company, of course," Pinkie replied cheerfully, sticking her tongue out at Hades in a playful manner. "I was doing a couple of jokes, asking how their eternity of pain is going, tell some things about myself. That type of stuff."
“Please, make this torment end!" one of the souls begged, his compatriots actually sticking their heads in the earth to deafen their ears. "I can handle dips in pools of lava, my toenails being ripped out and even my own tongue used as a necktie, but her. For the love of the gods, rid us of this pink menace and go back to sticking swords in our eyes!"
Glancing at the tortured soul with an arch of his brow, Hades turned his attention to a group of demons standing behind a rock, staring fearfully at Pinkie Pie.
Sighing deeply, he dropped Pinkie on the ground and said, "A colorful talking horse does a better job at torturing the souls of the wicked than my highly trained demons." Hades scowled at the demons and snarled, "Who are way too overpaid to get outclassed by a pony!"
"Can I get a job here then?" Pinkie asked eagerly, smile unusually wide and bright.
Hades crossed his arms and rubbed his chin as he weighed the possible benefits and drawbacks. On the one hand, she seemed to have a natural talent for torturing demons. On the other hand, the demon unions would probably protest him outsourcing jobs to not even national unborn citizens.
"I'll think about it," Hades replied, snapping his fingers again so that he returned with Pinke by his side back to her group of friends. "But first, I need to pay my tab," he said, opening the skull door.
As Hades stepped through the doorway, the mares quickly followed, feeling uneasy about the gathering crowd of red eyes around the road.
Past the door laid before them a grand castle the shape of a skull, the River Styx flowing through its teeth. The cries of an endless stream of wallowing souls resonated throughout the cavern, making the ghastly skull castle take on an almost living appearance.
“Welcome to Casa de Hades!” Hades said with a grand sweep of his arms, starting up the steps to his domain. “Wipe your feet or whatever appendages you have before you enter!”
“I think this might actually be worse than the Fields of Punishment,” Twilight said, gulping deeply as she stared up at the sheer intensity of the ghastly looking castle.
“It’s Tartarus, Sparkles,” Hades said over his shoulder with a laugh, quickly ascending the stairs. “There’s always something worse about it.”
The group of frightful mares–other than Pinkie Pie, who took no notice of their new creepy surroundings–made their way up the stairs to Hades’ throne room, trying not to notice how the air stank of mildew and the dead. Finally reaching the end of the stairway, they were greeted by Hades’ smug face seated high on his throne made of shadows and smoke.
“So, ladies, what can I do ya for?” he asked, retrieving a cigar out of the smoke swirling around him and lighting it up with a flame from his thumb.
“Um… you already know that,” Twilight said, tilting her head. “We need you to pay Pinkie for all the pastries you ate at the bakery.”
“Ah, yes, I vaguely recall that.” Hades pointed a finger and a ball of orange flames shot out, setting aflame the ground before the group of mares.
“Hey, watch it!” Dash shouted, jumping back from the heat of the flames.
The spot of fire disappeared in an instant, revealing a pile of shimmering gold coins in its place. Blowing the smoke from his forefinger and taking a puff from his cigar, Hades shrugged his shoulders and said, “What can I say? Everything under the earth is my domain, including the vast amounts of mulla.”
“Yippy!” Pinkie squealed, jumping into the coins like it was a pile of leaves, throwing gold coins around herself in glee.
“Well, I’m certainly glad this endeavor is finally over,” Rarity said, an uneasy frown on her face. “I’ll need to take a bath twice just to get the stench of this place off myself.”
“Hopefully you can clean up your attitude too!” Hades chuckled, blowing a skull of smoke at her. Coughing at the tobacco fumes, Rarity glared at Hades as the dark god just laughed.
Before Rarity could reply back to Hades with a sharp retort, a roar in the distance caused the entire cavern to shake. The shakes grew more violent as the roaring grew closer, followed by snarls and sound of claws raking on stone.
Out of the shadows of the side of the cavern appeared Cerberus, the three headed dog guardian of the Underworld. A much, much different version than the one the mares had seen before. For starters, this one was twice as big, three times as scary looking with razor-sharp teeth and rivers of drool dripping from its maw to boot, and extremely vicious. The screaming chew toy it was currently ripping apart could attest to this.
“Cerberus, daddy’s home!” Hades called out to the monster, making kissing noises and clapping his hands.
Cerberus spit out Pain and Panic, the duo of imps still tied together and suffering through awful agony. The demonic dog eagerly pranced to Hades’ side, licking his master’s face.
“Okay, okay, drool-for-brains, that’s enough kisses for daddy,” Hades said, pushing Cerberus’ mug away as he wiped away some saliva from his forehead.
“Th-that’s Cerberus?” Twilight asked with her eyes wide.
“Well, the Greek version of Cerberus,” Hades replied, waving his hand nonchalantly. "We Greeks have an old saying. Everything is bigger in Greece. And slightly more demented."
"Boss!" Pain called out, still wrapped around Panic like a pretzel. "Please, boss, we leaned out lesson! We don't wanna be a chew toy no more!"
"Ooh, who are these guys?" Pinke asked, picking up the wet remains of the two imps.
"Idiots," Hades answered, twirling his finger in the air until a cloud of smoke appeared before him. Pain and Panic fell out of the cloud, whole once more. "Pain, Panic, introduce yourselves to our guests."
Turning around to the mares, the ponies and imps stared at one another with an equal amount of confusion.
"Um... boss, are these guys... ponies?" Panic asked, the pointy nosed imp scratching his head in wonder.
"Along with unicorns and pegasi," Hades replied, taking another huff of his cigar. "And they talk to boot. Ain't that grand?"
"It's, uh... weird," Pain said, the tubby imp taking a step closer to the ponies. "Where did ya find them?"
"Around the corner of 'none of your business.'" Hades got up from his throne and leaned down so that he was looking over the two. "Now, how was my domain while I was away?"
"It was awful! So much tearing and chewing!" Panic answered, wincing at the pain of the memory. "Cerberus even buried us!"
Hades flicked Panic's oversized nose in annoyance. "That was the point! What else went on?"
"The Fates took a road trip," Pain said.
"Those old hags? What for?" Hades asked.
Pain shrugged. "Something about some 'new snacks' and plenty of opportunity outside to acquire them. I didn't get to hear much else, on account of Cerberus ripping my head off."
"Well, this can mean only one thing," Hades concluded, taking out his cigar and flicking it to the side. "They went to eat some of Ponyville's local population."
"WHAT?" all the mares yelled at once.
"Hey now, inside voices," Hades warned, sitting back in his throne while stretching out in content. "And do I really have to repeat myself? They're gonna cook and eat some of you ponies."
"Y-you just can't let then do that!" Twilight said, climbing up the steps to his devilish throne.
"Pfft, like I have any control of the Fates. They're destiny for Pete's sake," Hades chuckled, reclining his throne so that he stared at Twilight over his grimy feet. "You're on your own, Sparklebutt."
"No way, you creep!" Dash shouted, flying forward so that she hovered face to face with the god. "They came from your Underworld, so this is your problem as much as ours!"
Hades pointed a finger at her, a small flame forming on the tip. "Like I care what happens to you ponies. So what if a couple of you die? Everyone does eventually. And you better bet I'll be waiting here for you when that happens." The flame grew brighter, threatening to singe Rainbow's eyebrows. "So, get out of my face!"
"Hades, Hades, please help us!" Pinkie begged, getting in between the quickly reddening Lord of the Dead and enraged Rainbow Dash. "If everypony in Ponyville gets eaten, then there won't be anyone around to celebrate your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!"
"Party you say?" Hades asked, his flames returning to their normal blue hue. It'd been centuries since he's had a party just for himself. Much less thrown by others. Plus, the appeal of the ponies’ pastries sure was a tempting offer. Humming under his breath, Hades shrugged and got up from his seat, "Eh, why not? But I'll help only if I get chocolate cake."
"For sure!" Pinkie agreed happily, bouncing back to the girls with Hades by her side. "We'll also have chocolate cupcakes, chocolate milkshakes, chocolate cookies, and even chocolate punch!"
"Yeah, sounds wonderful," Hades said, already tuning whatever Pinkie was saying into white noise. Glancing back over his shoulder at Pain and Panic, he called out, "Clean up this place while I'm gone! Got it?"
"Sure thing, boss!" Pain shouted, waving goodbye along with Panic at the group of mares and God of the Underworld.
"You think we should mention that monster that escaped Tartarus while Cerberus was busy using is as a chew toy?" Panic whispered to Pain, both still waving.
"Eh, the boss will find out soon enough anyways," Pain pointed out. "Instead of him hitting us over the head now for that, he'll just do it later."
"Ooh, good point," Panic agreed. "So... should we seriously clean or not?"
"Way I see it as..." Pain jumped in Hades' throne, relaxing back in the comfortable recliner. "He can't possibly be madder at us by us not mentioning the escaped monster, so us not cleaning up won't get us in much more trouble."
"Another good point!" Panic said, just as he heard a growl behind himself. Glancing over his shoulder, he was confronted with the terrifying visage of Cerberus, who was staring intently at the two while wagging his tail eagerly.
The portal from the land of the dead opened in the center of Ponyville Square. Flames parted to reveal a hole sunken in the earth leading to the pit of damnation and vengeful spirits. While everypony around stared with fear and utter horror at what was apparently the entrance to Tartarus itself, five very familiar mares popped out of its depths, along with a shadowy figure close behind them.
“Why didn’t we take this portal the first time?” Twilight asked, wincing slightly as the portal closed behind her, cutting off the sounds of screaming from the eternally punished.
“What? You didn’t like the scenic route?” Hades asked.
Twilight reflected back on her experience in the Underworld and shuddered. “I definitely could’ve gone without seeing that.”
“I could’ve gone without going there altogether,” Dash concluded, flying up higher overhead and giving the town a quick scan. Other than a couple of panicking ponies from Hades’ frightful entrance, nothing was out of the ordinary. “What we really need to be doing is searching where those Fates guys ended up in.”
“Actually, they’re gals,” Hades explained, frowning slightly. “The ugliest, most putrid and vile gals you’ll ever meet, but now I’m getting off topic. Where they’ll probably be is snacking on fresh pony, since they always did have a sweet tooth for mythical meat.”
“Then we have to stop ‘em!” Applejack said, striding up to Hades. “And yer gonna show us where they headed up to, ya hear?”
Hades walked past her without a glance and muttered, “Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. I may be hundreds of thousands years old, but I ain’t going senile yet.” Rubbing his pointed chin with his thumb, Hades hummed under his breath. “Well… they’ll certainly be in a place with plenty of kitchen appliances. Most like a huge pot to boil water in as well. A hearty brew of their victim is their usual cooking choice. So the most likely joint they’re at is a place with a large kitchen.”
“Like Sugarcube Corner?” Pinkie asked, still lugging the enormous sack of gold coins on her back. Her legs shook like jelly under the bag’s heavy weight, but the mare didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she was as giddy as a bright pink pony can be.
“Yeah!” Hades agreed with a snap of his fingers. Staring off to the side where the treat shaped bakery lied, Hades grinned in victory. “Those ancient cretins are probably hanging out there as we speak.”
“Then I suggest we stop them immediately,” Rarity said, already making a beeline to the bakery. “No need to have an innocent bystander be cooked by… whatever those things are.”
Hades shifted into his shadow form and snaked across the ground at lightning speeds to reform from a smoke cloud into his usual blue skinned demeanor right before the doors of the bakery. Opening them up with a small bow directed towards the others, Hades said, “Ladies first.”
Rarity smiled kindly at Hades, while Applejack simply rolled her eyes and Dash glared at him, with Pinkie Pie bouncing close behind in her usual obliviousness. Twilight was last, staring up at the imposing Lord of Death. “Are these Fates dangerous at all?” Twilight asked, glancing nervously in the bakery. “I mean, if they’re anything like you, do we have something to worry about?”
“Don’t worry,” Hades said, brushing her off with a waved hand. Walking into the bakery in a self-assured swagger, he called over his shoulder, “I’m the God with a plan. Not an official title, but it might as well be!”
Strutting into the main room of the bakery, Hades heard distant cries sounding from the kitchen. Sighing, he walked past the counter and entered the part of the bakery where the actual baking happened. Though now it was more like boiling.
“This one struggles too much!” Lachesis shouted, struggling with Dash in her grubby claws. Being the tallest of the three hideous sisters, Lachesis also had the longest nose, which could compete with Panic’s any day of the week. Rainbow Dash kicked and flounder in her grip, but was no use against the strength of a goddess. Holding the mare closer to take a sniff of her, Lachesis frowned as the spider who resided in her nose crawled onto Dash’s muzzle. “She’ll be too lean and chewy if you ask me!”
“Hey, who are you calling chewy?” Dash yelled, shuddering as the spider crawled further on her face before Lachesis sniffed it back up her freakishly long nose.
Clotho shrugged, holding both kicking Applejack and fearful Rarity in her tight grip. “This one will be sweet, I just know of it!” she cackled, large chin nearly poking Applejack in the eye. Glancing to Rarity, she licked her lips. “And this one will be squishy!”
“Did you just call me fat?” Rarity asked in revulsion, forgetting her dangerous situation for a moment.
“No, this one will be the sweetest of all!” Atropos called out, jumping and hugging Pinkie Pie close in her powerful grasp. Pinkie Pie took no mind to this, thinking it was a game as usual when she whooped and hollered in approval. Licking her lips, Atropos looked at her pink prize with the sisters’ only remaining eye. The smallest of the three, she resembled a devilish imp much like Pain and Panic, though her cyclops like eye made her appearance much more demonic to the eyes.
“By the gods…” Hades sighed, raking a hand across his face that revealed a large scowl of disapproval, and most importantly, annoyance. Glancing at the side, he caught sight of a bound and gagged Fluttershy residing in a pot filled to the brim with water and chopped up vegetables with a low fire blazing underneath, made from the chopped up pieces of wooden furniture found in the bakery. Pointing a finger to her in recognition, he said, “Looks like you got in on this scheme as well.”
“Hades, don’t just stand there! Help us!” Applejack called out. “We’re more hogtied than bulls in a rodeo.”
“Oh wonderful. Western sayings,” Hades grumbled.
Twilight was the last to enter the kitchen, and halted immediately in her tracks to take the sight before her in. Everyone stopped what they were doing, the Fates staring—or rather, one of them staring—at Twilight and Hades while their bound prisoners glanced between one another and finally. Hades and Twilight themselves were glaring at the Fates, one looking with mild annoyance and the other with disgust.
Clapping his hands together to break the silence as he took a few steps forward, Hades said, “Well, this little get together has been fine and all—really should schedule for a brunch sometime in the future—but I think it’s time for you three to skedaddle.”
“Who are you to tell us what to do, Hades?” Atropos asked, glaring upward at the much taller god while Pinkie kicked her feet in boredom. “We got our treats first, so go find something else to snack on!”
“You just can’t eat my friends!” Twilight shouted. “They’re ponies, not food!”
Snatching her sister’s eyeball from her socket, Lachesis scowled at Twilight with a one eye glare. “Food, pony, there is no difference. Both can be sliced, diced, and cooked right up!”
“Hey, I thought we agreed for a stew!” Clotho argued, shaking Applejack and Rarity willy-nilly in a fit of rage.
“I wanted a roast!” Lachesis yelled back, pointing Dash’s snout at her sister. “And now that we have more morsels of mortals to feast on, we can do that too!”
“Why hasn’t anyone listened to my suggestion?” Atropos asked. “We’re in a bakery, so why not bake them into delightful treats?”
“Like cupcakes and donuts and muffins?” Pinkie asked. “Ooh, maybe even pie!”
“Pinkie, not helping!” every mare around her shouted, except for Fluttershy. The pegasus was still bound and tied in the pot, looking over the events before her in horror.
“Hey now, no one is cooking anyone!” Hades said firmly, already growing agitated with the Fates’ bickering. “You let the ponies go, hightail it back to the Underworld, and no one has to nag anyone else. Got it, hags?”
“You’d know better than to mess with the goddesses of destiny, Hades,” Lachesis warned, pointing a long, skeleton finger at Hades with a devious grin.
“We are the interpreters of time and the present,” Clotho added on.
“Seers of the future,” Atropos said.
“And knowers of the past,” Lachesis said.
“We know all!” each sister spoke at once, clucking like the hags they are.
Growing more and more red with each passing moment, Hades had to suppress his usual reaction to burn the place down, with the Fates in it. While that seemed like the best way to deal with the situation, he wasn’t born last millennium. No bakery meant no treats for him in the future. Plus, you didn’t want to harm the weavers of the tapestry of fate. Just a bad idea on so many levels.
Moving his arm forward, Hades grabbed the last remaining eye of the sisters from Lachesis’ socket. Squeezing it slightly in his fingers, Hades said, “You know, for know-it-alls, you really didn’t see that coming.”
The Fates stopped their malicious cackling for a moment as this sudden change began to sink in. Immediately all three dropped their respective captives and crowded around Hades, jumping up and down to reach for their eyeball.
“No, do not squish it!” Lachesis begged.
“It is our last remaining sight!” Atropos shouted.
“We will be ruined without it!” Clotho said.
Holding the eyeball up high, Hades was hit with the sudden realization at how ridiculous this was. Him, holding a grimy eyeball in his fingers while three of the oldest goddesses in existence acted like whining children. Which, in hindsight, he discovered was how many squabbles between the gods amounted to.
Snapping his fingers so another blazing hole of fire appeared in the ground in the center of the kitchen, much like the one that appeared in town, Hades threw the eyeball down it. “Go get it, you disgusting crows!” Hades called out.
All three of the sisters desperately dived for the eye, each disappearing into the hole to the hellfire down below. Once each was gone, Hades waved his hand for the portal to quickly turn to a burn mark on the floor.
The mares stood silent for a moment, until, of course, Pinkie Pie spoke up. “Weren’t those guys great?” Pinkie asked.
“Pinkie, they just tried to eat us!” Twilight reminded her.
“Yeah, but they sure were funny,” Pinkie giggled, holding a hoof to her muzzle to hold back the laughter. “I mean, did you see how they bickered and argued? They should do standup for sure.”
“Like people need another excuse to drive forks through their ears,” Hades mumbled, already cooling down to his usual blue hue. “Also, is anyone gonna untie the yellow one, or do you want her to simmer for another half hour until the skin in tender?”
Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity gasped and made their way immediately to Fluttershy to lift her out of the pot and put out the fire.
Twilight too a couple of hesitant steps before Hades, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. “Hades, I guess I should thank you for saving my friends like this.”
Hades raised a brow. “Yeah…” he replied, slowly nodding his head. “I guess you should.”
Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes. Already she could tell complimenting Hades would be a egotistical experience in any future encounters.
“Well then, maybe we should—” Twilight’s sentence was suddenly cut off by a loud crash happening outside.
The earth shook, a loud boom rattled the town, and a roar of monstrous sizes could be heard from somewhere in the center of Ponyville. And by the shouts of alarm from the numerous ponies already screaming their heads off and probably running for the hills, something really, really big, bad and dangerous just entered Ponyville.
“Oh great,” Hades sighed, facepalming in frustration.
“What is that thing?” Twilight asked, the rest of her friends stopping in their tracks at the first sound of whatever it was outside.
“I’m not sure,” Hades said, shrugging up the arm of his robe to reveal his blueish biceps. “But whatever it is, I’m going to feed Pain and Panic to it once I get done.”
