“Pinkie, I swear, if you sing that song one more time,” Hades warned, a perpetual scowl etched on his face since the beginning of the trip. The entire time the group of ponies had been walking, Pinkie continued to sing that insidiously catchy song of hers.
“Oh, stop being such a stick in the mud!” Pinkie giggled, sitting on the god of the Underworld’s shoulder like a sugar induced version of a pirate’s parrot. “Singing songs with friends is fun, fun, fun!”
“I swear, you’re worse than Disney!” he muttered his his breath, shivering slightly. “This is the reason why I had no sequels. They couldn’t pay me enough to sing one of those insufferable songs.”
“Hades, whatcha talking about?” Pinkie asked, roasting a marshmallow on a stick using Hades’ flamey hairdo. Where she got the marshmallow and stick would remain a mystery.
Picking her up and dropping her to the floor with a disgruntled huff, Hades said, “Nevermind. I barely got outta that contract deal with my life. Well, unlife, anyways.”
“Hey flamehead, how much longer?” Dash yelled behind Hades, having the type of scowl he had on her face as well.
“Déjà vu,” Hades noted, trudging along as Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie trailed behind him. “We’ll be there soon enough! Just hold your horses!” Hades got a good chuckle out of that joke, while the mares just traded perplexed looks.
“If I remember correctly, the entrance to Tartarus should be around here somewhere,” Twilight said, staring off into the distance in hopes of spotting the famous entrance to the Underworld.
“You been there before?” Hades asked, not really surprised. For being the land of the dead and eternal home of monsters and evil creatures alike, he always had a surprisingly high amount of visitors, and not just in the ghostly variety. There was always some dimwitted hero or demigod stirring up trouble for him or wanting to save a lost loved one, though they never really succeed in the long run. He made sure of that.
“Well, only at the entrance,” she admitted. “Your dog Cerberus broke out one time and terrorized Ponyville. Thanks to Fluttershy managing to calm him down, I was able to lead him back to the gates.”
Wouldn’t be the last time that guard dog of his broke out. He should really have put a leash on that thing, or have Pain and Panic act as his chew toy more often.
“Actually, does anypony know where Fluttershy is?” Twilight asked, finding that the shy pegasus was nowhere to be found among themselves.
Applejack shrugged. “Guess she stayed at the bakery. Bettin’ she wouldn’t have wanted to come to Tartarus anyhow.”
Rarity nodded in agreement. “No need to frighten the poor mare with the Underworld, after all. I’m sure she’ll be fine back at Ponyville while Hades pays Pinkie Pie.”
“Hey, if I’m supposed to be payin’ the pink one here, then why are the rest of ya following me?” Hades asked, not getting why more ponies than necessary were following him.
“Why, to see your home, of course,” Rarity answered, just the striking image of neighborly manners. “It isn’t everyday that one gets to a tour around the land of the dead.”
“Yeah, exactly my point. The land of the dead. Meaning, why would you come along to a place like that?” he asked in exasperation. These ponies definitely didn’t look up to stuff to handle the horrors that Tartarus inflicted on mortals.
“Oh, it’s no big deal, really,” she said, trotting ever so gracefully with her beautifully curled mane bobbing with each of her hoof-falls. “I’ve been underground before, and handled myself pretty well, actually.”
“That’s right, partner. Rarity here is one tough gal, that’s for sure,” Applejack agreed, smiling at her friend.
“Oh you.” Rarity blushed and waved her hoof off. “I still have you girls to thank for getting me out of that bind.”
Ugh, friendship moments. Hades’ one weakness. Other than trashy romances. He swore, if they started kissing each other, he was hightailing it to the next universe right away.
“If we can stop the cheesy shared praise for just a moment, we’re here,” Hades said, pointing to the sunken earth cave hidden in the nearby shade of some tall oak trees. Snapping his fingers, he appeared there in an instant, causing the others to run over to the entrance to catch up.
With a dramatic flourish of his arms that was lost upon his bored face, Hades introduced the girls to the large rock cave formation and said, “Welcome to the entrance to Underworld, otherwise known as Tartarus, Nav, Elysium, Mictlan, Diyu, Niflheim, Asphodel Meadows, Patala, Xibalba, H-E-double toothpicks, etcetera, etcetera.”
Applejack whistled. “Hot dang, why does it have so many names.”
“Because mortal can’t make up their damn minds,” Hades grumbled, entering the intimidating darkness of the cavern. Looking over his shoulder, he called out, “Anyone else coming along?”
“I dunno. It’s awfully dark down there,” Rarity said, her early confidence having vastly shrunk once the imposing blackness of the mouth of the cave was seen. Facepalming at their cowardliness, Hades’ burning hairstyle suddenly flared up, casting a blue glow surrounding himself and casting more light in the Underworld.
“There, happy? Now hurry it up, I ain’t got all day. I’ll pay you for the sweets and baked goods, then it’s sayonara! Us gods have busy schedules too you know.”
Still nopony stepped forward, until Rainbow Dash was the first to break off from the others. “It’s just a dingy cave. No big deal,” she said courageously, while on the inside she was secretly panicking over being in the same place the dead went to rest. She’d seen enough zombie movies to know this didn’t end well.
Evidently that was all the prompting the other girls needed, because they quickly trotted after the two and got their first good look at the land of the dead, and boy was it anticlimactic.
Stalactites hung like knives over a ready meal overhead, dropping drops of water that echoed anonymously in the large cavern. The floor was wet, and the faint smell of mildew along with stale air surrounded them. Really, it was what you’d expect of a cave. Dark, claustrophobic, and generally not a nice place to be. That is, until they spotted the river.
It glowed an eerie pale blue, and swirled and rippled as if millions of fish were moving in its waters. Upon closer inspection the girls realized with horror it wasn’t fish at all. Not even close.
It was the dead. Their spirits flowed down the river in an endless stream, howls and long walish screams springing up from their ghostly forms. One could even distinguish one ghost from another in the sickly blue tide, their faces contorted to anguish and terror.
“Well, here it is girls. The River Styx. So far the best guaranteed way to transport spirits into the Underworld and keep ne'er do wells out. Also, Jehovah Witnesses and girl scouts.” Looking down at the five mares, Hades noted they were all stricken by unbelievable horror at the sight of so many souls of the deceased traveling down a one way trip to the afterlife.
After a few seconds of extremely awkward silence, Hades sighed and snapped his fingers repeatedly. “Come on, come on. Like I said, I’d like to get this over and done with before the next century.”
“Um, H-Hades, h-how exactly are we supposed to cross?” Rarity asked, having no intentions or purposes of dipping one hoof into the river.
Hades snapped his fingers, and from the fog that hung over the river appeared a stark black boat. A ferryman could be seen pushing the boat through the waters that made up the dead, though calling him a man was a long shot.
“Everyone, meet Charon. Charon, meet the new arrivals to the Underworld,” Hades introduced, pointing with a thumb over his shoulder to the mares.
Upon closer inspection the girls realized that Charon was either a skeleton or the skinniest man alive, if he WAS even alive. His skin hung close to his bones, making his hips and ribs clearly seen. He had no pupils, only sunken holes in his head that only spoke of darkness. With only final tug he brought the boat to shore, the ferryman staring down at the small group with what would have been disapproving eyes, if he had some.
“These are still fresh,” he spoke in a raspy voice, rubbing his chin with a clawed skeletal hand. “You know the price they must pay for me to ferry them.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, sheesh. I’ll give you a two cent raise. That good enough?” Hades said, tapping his foot beneath his robe, wanting this process to hurry up.
Charon answered with a simple nod of his head, moving to the end of the boat and waving his hand to enter. The mares were hesitant to step aboard, not counting the fact that they were about to board a boat to enter the land of the dead while traveling down a literal river of souls.
Dash gulped and looked to the sky, or rather in this case, ceiling. “I think I’ll just fly across, if it’s all the same.”
Hades chuckled, pointing with a finger overhead. “Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Dashie. You’ll just make it easier for the harpies to get an airborne snack.”
Several shrieks and laughter could be heard near the top of the Underworld, and hidden in the shadows of the stalactites were the winged forms of grotesque women with legs of predatory birds and razor sharp teeth filling their maws.
It was at this point that everypony quickly climbed aboard, Rainbow Dash practically throwing herself on the craft. Dusting off his hands together for a job well done, Hades joined them, the boat leaving the shore with Charon guiding it through the river.
Twilight stared overboard, observing several of the faces of those long gone. “So, does everyone dead end up here? Even ponies?”
Hades leaned nonchalantly back on the bowsprit of the boat, staring over his fingernails. “Nah. That’s just for the Greeks. I may be Lord of the Dead, but I’m only lord of a certain type of dead, and to put it laymen’s terms, only those mortal that worship the religion I’m dealing in end up in my Underworld.”
“Does that mean there’s an Underworld for ponies too?” Pinkie asked, leaning dangerously close over the edge of the boat to see how close she can get her hoof near the departed souls.
“Probably. Heck if I know. I’m still new to you ponies, so I still know nothing about your gods or afterlife,” Hades replied, beating down with his foot when a soul tried to grab his leg. Even after dragging himself out of the River Styx the icy touch of those lost souls still gave him the creeps.
“Where do all these souls end up to anyhow?” Applejack asked, wisely sticking to the center of the craft to avoid any unwanted attention or grabs by the river.
“Some end up in Tartarus for being bad. The lowest, darkest, and plain nastiest point of the Underworld. There they toil in the Fields of Punishment for all of eternity, tortured with no rest 24/7,” Hades replied, drumming his fingers as he crossed his arm in a bored manner.
“T-that sounds awful,” Rarity said, staring down at the river of souls with pity. “Who could possibly deserve something like that.”
“I could tell you, but I’d prefer to keep this trip PG-rated if I can,” Hades explained. “Anyways, next up is the Asphodel Meadows, or Purgatory if you wanna think of it like that. That’s where normal souls who led unremarkable lives and were generally not really all that evil or good end up in.”
“So what do they do there?” Dash asked, having grown a bit more confident after her earlier fright with the harpies.
“Oh, you know. Sit around, lay back, do nothing.” Hades shrugged his shoulders. “Usual stuff.”
“That sounds awfully boring,” Twilight said, reaching back to pull Pinkie away from dipping her entire face into the river.
“Oh, it is, but it’s not like I care. It’s my job to run this place, not care about the souls which end up here.”
“It seems like you don’t like your job very much,” Rarity noted, casting a dubious eye at Hades.
Hades let out a sharp bark of laughter, his razor sharp smile making everyone uncomfortable. “Oh, you don’t even know half of it!”
After a few seconds of even more awkward silence, Hades turned away and scowled in the distance at the bow of the boat. “Okay then, next up is Elysian Fields, otherwise known as the place where every goody-two-shoes ends up in.”
“Ooh, what’s it like?” Pinkie asked eagerly, a bubbly smile on her face. “Do you have nonstop parties? Games? Cupcakes? Games about cupcakes?”
“How should I know? I’m not allowed in there,” he replied sharply, his scowl increasing. “It’s separate from my domain, where all the righteous and heroic end up in. Meaning not me.”
Everyone stayed silent now, Hades’ hair briefly flaring up orange before returning to its normal hue of blue. Walking up to the god of the Underworld, Pinkie said, “If you want, we can always throw a party back at Ponyville for you. I never did throw one of my famous ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ parties for you yet.”
Hades stared down at Pinkie with a shocked expression on his face. Did she just say she wanted to throw a party for him? Him, Hades, the one guy you never invited to a party? Not even the other Greek Gods would invite him to their shindigs if they could avoid it. Probably because he’s tried so many times to take over Olympus, but still. He’s never had a party thrown especially for him before.
But before he could answer, the boat docked at the shore of the other side of the Styx, Charon bowing down to show them their travel was over. Each mare carefully hopped down on the ground, glad to not be floating over the river of souls any longer. Hades was the last to depart, still mulling over what Pinkie offered him.
“Hey Hades, what’s this?” Twilight called out, pointing to something in the sand. Joining her by her side, he inspected the rather large footprint in the sand. It was hard to make out, but something monstrously big made it all right.
Hades shrugged. “Eh, could just be a passing monster or demon. But no need to worry. The worse of them won’t try to attack ya with me by your side... hopefully.”
“Hopefully?” Rarity gulped, quickly backing away from the footprint that was quite larger than her body.
“Don’t worry. Cerberus keeps the baddies in check. With him on patrol, there’s no chance at them causing any ruckus,” he assured them, seemingly gliding over the sand of the shore of the Styx. Without even turning back, Hades shouted, “And if you don’t want to become a monster’s snack, I would advise sticking close to me!”
The girls did just that, all five of them forming a perimeter around the god as he entered his domain, Tartarus.
Cool, I guess.
OH MY GOD UPDATE
I LOVE YOU
*squee*
After reading:
OH MY GOD ITS BEAUTIFUL
I LOVE YOU
*squee*
D'aww Hades got the heart touch from Pinkie.
You know what this update feels like?
Happiness
Well, they finally got to Tartarus, and I like how he explained the levels of Tartarus... but now I want moar.
Yes...
Yes...
YES!!! This is the type of comedy most artists strive for!
Another excellent chapter!
2668340
Oh you. That's such high praise coming from one of my favorite comedic authors on the site. Thanks a ton!
media.tumblr.com/bc56a117f0999390d89ea8fa5cd2624c/tumblr_inline_mndpovG22z1qz4rgp.gif
Also, you made me blush.
Very interesting story good sir/madam, but I'm sorry to say it doesn't really connect to the last chapter all that well.
Overall love the story
2668255
I just got a horrifically vivid mental image of Pinkie repeatedly poking an exposed heart inside of Hades chest, thanks to you.
misspelled Chiron... pronounced Kheiron.
A Update AWESOME. This chapter was great.
Will the girl's meet Hades Cerberus? After all i'm pretty sure the one they met before and Hades pet are two beings. Can't wait for the girl's to meet other Hercules characters like Pain and Panic.
That was...legitimately hilarious. Well done.
Thought I should finally read one of yours.
Fun so far. Good dialogue and you managed to make the Dash and/or AJ attack on sight normally idiotic trope make sense. Although AJ is more likely to go for the rope than for a physical tackle or buck.
Also very few typos or odd wordings. Only like 1-2 a chapter.
He sure liked singing in the TV series
And thus we get the level from Kingdom Hearts 2
So, how long before any heartless show up?
2668522 No, Chiron was a centaur. Charon is correct.
2668522
Chiron is a Centaur. Charon is the boatman of the river Styx in Greek mythology...where in this chapter was Chiron mentioned?
Awesome chapter.
Who wouldn't want to invite Hades to a party?! I mean, he is the bucking Discord of our childhood!...
Okay, that sounded better in my mind.
Very nice very nice indeed, keep up the good work and I think you are capturing Hades's snarkiness pretty damn well. ^^
Also I loled...quite a bit reading this so double score.
You my friend have a wonderful sense of humor, your capturing Hades' personality EXCEPTIONALLY well. Those one liners....Classic!
Aww, such a teary moment between Hades and Pinkie lol
Loved Dash's reaction to the 'no fly zone' bit
Good to see an update! Looking forward towards where this leads.
2668188 You guess? You GUESS?! Come on, man!
2671886 Well, I wasn't in the mood for writing more than three words at the time.
Can I get, like, fifty of them?
2668983
they are one and the same character
2674055 ummm...no, I don't believe so...
2674055
Go read more Greek Mythology.
2674055
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiron
Wikipedia would argue otherwise.
*Grins* good stuff as always, I'm really enjoying Hades. Any chance of update becoming more frequent? *bats lashes*
2681143
Damn your adorableness! Okay.
RainbowBob, you continue to surprise me and please me the more I read this.
You are doing my love of Greek mythology well with this was story.
So keep yourself off your lazy ass and keep writing!
2681168 Woohoo!
>>>Picking her up and dropping her to the floor with a disgruntled huff, Hades said, “Nevermind. I barely got outta that contract deal with my life. Well, unlife, anyways.”>>>
The fact that Hades was already dead was the only reason he got out of a Disney contract.
They forgot to edit out the 'death escape clause', which allows the signee to void their contract if they happen to die.
It's the only escape clause, by the way.
>>>With a dramatic flourish of his arms that was lost upon his bored face, Hades introduced the girls to the large rock cave formation and said, “Welcome to the entrance to Underworld, otherwise known as Tartarus, Nav, Elysium, Mictlan, Diyu, Niflheim, Asphodel Meadows, Patala, Xibalba, H-E-double toothpicks, etcetera, etcetera.”>>>
He forgot HFIL from the Funimation DBZ universe.
please for the love of Hades, use the Disney version of Cerberus.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130202050248/disney/images/thumb/c/ca/Cerberus_KH.png/480px-Cerberus_KH.png
I died a little inside when I saw the pony version looked like obese bulldog, please establish a difference between the two
Haha! Classic Pinkie, making everyone her friend quite possibly against their will. Another most excellent entry.
This looks like it could be funny. I'll track it for now, and read it later.
After seeing WHite House down and noticing that the white-haired guy who used to be friends with the President in the movie's voice actor was the same person who voiced Hades I couldn't stop imagining him with flaming hair and blue skin.
This also reminded me of Hades perfectly. That is something that is incredibly hard to do in a story.
+1 favorite, +1 story follower, and +1 thumbs-up!
It's amusing to note that Hades is the god of wealth. After all, precious metals are found underground. He could've just willed gold into existence and been done with it.
Oh well. All aboard the Trauma Express!
I'm just going through all of your stories, this being the first, and I love it!
Props to you, comedy genie!
Hades!!! He got the short end of the stick. Poseidon being the eldest got the Seas. Hera, got to be queeny along with Marriage, Kings and Empires. Demeter got the Harvest, and Agriculture. Hestia, well she got screwed too and isn't really important, Zeus being youngest got lucky and didn't get swallowed by his dad...And Finally Hades/Pluto, God of the Underworld and King of the Dead, But he's also filthy rich. He is my favorite God. I don't know why everybody thinks of him as being evil. That's like saying Death is EVIL!!!
When I first spotted this story in your list, I meant to give it a look, maybe read a chapter, then add it to my 'Read Later' list.
An hour or so later, I've read the whole thing and loved it. All because I could so easily hear Hades in the dialogue.
And that bit where Pinkie offers to throw Hades a party just for him and he's stupefied...loved it.
2740279
Gotta agree, MLP has wonderful villains, but Cerberus looked stupid. I doubt any monster is stupid enought o attack the Mane 5 with their boss around. She can break the 4th wall huh? Hades reminds me a bit of Nightmare Moon, both siblings to the ruler of good, both consumed by their jealously, tried to take over, and failed, maybe a party will help Hades lighten up a bit. He's so dead serious. OK, sorry, that was a horrible pun.