A young gold pegasus moves to Ponyville for a new experience. Her best friend Raindrops gives her a bit of a warning about a certain pink pony....
Chapters (6)
Rainbow_Flash
Joined 2nd Feb, 2013 ·
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This story is very cute, and original, you should stick to it
I still need to do my own OC-insert story
A small error i saw that you might wanna fix ahead of time:
I got
still I love it
Thanks Dawn. I will stick to this!
Do I get to be a little harsh?
Erm, a little bit. It is my first story, but I've been writing on my computer for a while. Harsh away.
2067163 Problems I have with this fic (even if they are just small picky problems)
1. Wall of text for obvious reasons...
2. Soon, though, I slide out of bed and stumble downstairs. Time to use my new kitchen. Walking towards the kitchen, I yawn. Rubbing an eye with a hoof, I pick out my favorite Wonderbolts mug and get out some ingredients for coffee.
Dialogue like this seems off. It's almost like I'm reading off of a shopping list, not a small story. To make it worse, I'm reading it all with a robotic voice buzzing in my head. It can't be a bunch of short sentences mixed together! Eventually I slid out of my warm bed and plopped myself down on the cold, unforgiving floor. I guess it's time to check out my new kitchen. I thought bitterly, as I stumbled my way into the next room This example seems a little smoother.
3. I got confused as hell near the end. Did Twilight leave that present? Did she give him a sexually explicit note that we don't know about? Why does the guy want to talk to her again? Is she selling some weed back at the library? WHAT HAPPENED!?
4. The characters could use a LOT more dialogue. You say in the fic that Pinkie starts speaking at the speed of light but you didn't type anything up! "ohmygoshilovenewponiesandilovemakingfriendsandYOU'REBOTHwhichmakesitdoubletheawesomeandtriplethefun!" Some people resort to this type of text when Pinkie goes on a verbal killing spree. It's not creative but it gives people an Idea of what she is saying!
5. Time is passing quick as hell! He barely gets to the party and it's already time for him to leave and focus on the very next day? At least explain that time had passed by quickly while he was at the party!
Overall, pretty good, I like it. I'm interested to see where you go with this.
There's a few grammatical errors here and there, and some sentences could be ironed out and made a little smoother. You got an editor or prereader?
I feel a little bit...offended.
But most of that makes sense *sigh* 
Oh well. And we aren't supposed to know who left the present. 
2067294 Nope, my editor is me. I mean, I could ask a sister to edit this but I don't wanna.
2067342
Well, if you ask me, it's always better to have at least one prereader. When you edit your own stuff it's hard to fix everything, since you read what should be there instead of what is there. Just having someone to point out the iffy wording and dodgy spelling can work wonders on making things smoother.
2067364 Mostly the misspelled words are Autocorrect being stupid.
But yeah, I know I should have a pre reader.
It's not bad over all. If I would offer any suggestions, it would be to add a space between paragraphs and use paragraph indentations. To make it seem less like they run together. Other then that I like the story.
Hope ya didn't get to cold from the blizzard,
Hmmm Flash really don't like taking a bath huh?
Tells you a bit more of the character, Flash
Sad to hear about that blizzard that happened, please continue with the story
Not a bad start! Your OC is likeable, and you do a good job of showing the world through her eyes.
There is one problem, but it's easy to fix: lack of paragraphs. At the moment you've got a bit of a wall of text going on. At the very least, you should begin a new paragraph when a new character speaks.
Ok, sometimes I don't start a new paragraph because I pause, like this. "Hi!" She said, her eyes darting nervously side to side. "How's it going?" To me, doing that is okay. But I'll edit all the chapters.
2158144
That example is fine; there, it's the same character speaking in both cases, so it should be the same paragraph. If a different character speaks, however, they should get their own paragraph. Otherwise, it's much harder to follow the dialogue.
Okay, thanks!