The morning light shined brightly into my eyes, and I groaned loudly. Sure I was active, but active ponies need rest to be their best! Soon, though, I slide out of bed and stumble towards the stairs. I took a large step, and tumbled down a few steps before flying up- and hitting the ceiling. After sitting still for a few minutes, clutching my head, I walked towards the kitchen. I yawn and rub an eye with a hoof. I pick out my favorite Wonderbolts mug and get out some ingredients for coffee. After a few mistakes and false starts, the coffee was brewing and I relaxed on the couch. For a second. Then I went back to the coffee, deemed it worthy to be sipped, and gulped it down. My first reaction was hot, hot, hot! But it soon changed to energy and I became wide awake. I brushed my hoof through my blue-green mane, said hoof getting stopped numerously by tangles. Time to brush my mane. I thought. Usually my tail is fine, but I do brush it occasionally.
Upstairs, I brushed through my mane, becoming well acquainted with battling tangles with a bristly sword. As soon as my mane was silky smooth, I looked in the mirror. The pink streak in my mane was faded, so I searched for my mane dye. It took a long time to find it, but it was worth it. I loved my pink streak; streaks are so cool! As I carefully applied the dye, the pink stripe in my mane became brighter and brighter, eventually becoming so bold it could've been neon. If it was neon though, I would grimace and wash it out. My mane was done, sure, but here came the hardest part- doing my tail.
Let me tell you, reaching your tail is near impossible. Mostly I have a friend help, but at this early in the morning? I shouldn't bother any pony! I circled for what felt like hours until stomping my hoof and changing tactics. I squeezed some due and my hoof and smeared a streak on my tail.
"There. Problem over, dilemma avoided." I sighed and thought about what to do now. I hadn't gotten any books to read yet, but the library must be closed right now. In fact, it's so early I bet only I'm awake. Then I considered that fact, and that I want to stretch my wings. Not like this morning, I mean! The thought almost excites me, though- being the only one awake in Ponyville! What if some pony woke up to see my flying by their window, dodging signs and anything in my way? They'd be amazed! Somepony up this early, though? Not a chance on a Saturday like today. Guess my fantasy just now could be reality!
I quickly decided to use my goggles to keep my vision sharp. I scanned the long dirt road. I'd have to swerve towards the fringes of the street, but nothing a tough pony like me couldn't handle! Maybe I could dodge some carts and barrels- there are tons of those on the street corners! Flipping my goggles on, I splayed out my wings and zipped out onto the street, eager and awake. Maybe it was the thrill of practicing in a new town, but I tried a few challenging stunts. Not as amazing as a sonic rainboom, mind you, but challenging and amazing feats for me. I even did a few flips to make my stunts more exciting.
Okay, okay, no pony was watching but imagining an audience makes me do so much better. I'm not a scaredy pony, y'hear? The only thing that really frightened me was the Nightmare Moon incident, because if it was dark no pony could see my tricks and I can't do amazing tricks if there isn't an light either. I could use candles but it'd still be hard to.. Forget it. Maybe I'm a teeny, tiny bit afraid of eternal night, but I am NOT scaredy pony. Never since then.
I returned to my house with pride, but less pride than normal because I got lost on the way home. I went left instead of right on Mane Street. My muscles were flexed and ready for more training later today, except right now I needed a power nap and some brunch. As I approached the door to my house I saw that my lights were off. Huh, I don't remember turning them off. Oh well, who cares? I reached for the doorknob and slowly turned it; I just wasn't good with them. The door opened and I stepped inside.
"SURPRIIIISE!" The lights flashed on and a loud voice drilled into my head. I jumped in surprise. A pink pony, and dozens of other ponies crowded my house and started partying and chatting.. Well, this could have been worse. The pink pony hopped up to me with a big smile. She started talking at the speed of light andI quickly tried to make sense of it all.
"HiIfoundoutyouarenewheresoIthrewthispartyanddoyoulikeit?" Apparently she saw me at the train station yesterday, and planned this party while I was at the Boutique. She set it up when I was out practicing. In my mind, I felt creeped out that she saw when I left my house at a time I knew I was the only pony out.
Soon, the pony named 'Pinkie Pie' talked slower and she said, "Are we best friends forever? Pinkie Promise?" Her eyes widened and so did her smile. To be honest, it was a little creepy. I answered as best I could, but she had to show me how to do a Pinkie Promise. I was trotting around the party, when I came to the table. A large, delicious looking, chocolate cake rested on a plate. I zoned out and drooled a little. How did she know? Chocolate cake is my favorite kind of cake! No sprinkles, just smooth, delicious icing and rich, fluffy cake. Mmmm. Pinkie appeared in front of me. "Try some! I made it myself so it's extra-duper special!" I reached for a knife and slowly cut through the oozing chocolate icing and then I sliced through dark, fluffy cake. In the corner of my eye, Raindrops was smiling and rolling her eyes. Pinkie was super excited; she really wanted me to try the cake.
Now I took a slow bite out of the cake, and my eyes opened wide and my mouth was smiling and open. "Pinkie, this is delicious! This," I say each word between bites, "is the best cake I've ever had! Thanks so much!" I reached out and hugged the pony I had before deemed creepy. She hugged with the force of a bear! Afterwards she was grinning happily and hopped away with a small "your welcome." I finished my slice of cake and stood there, crumbs slipping through my mouth. A few ponies walked up, introduced themselves, and said, "Welcome to Ponyville!" One of the ponies was the oh-so-famous magic protégé Twilight Sparkle. I had read all about her in my old town. My old town... But with my mouth full, all I said was, "Try some cake." Now I feel embarrassed. She levitated a slice onto a plate and walked off. She must've rolled her eyes. I guess this party isn't so bad after all, though.
Raindrops and I found Colgate here, and Colgate became my second BPP. Turns out she admired pegasi and their cloud magic. And she loved meeting Raindrops' friends! I knew we weren't going to meet a lot, but I should still try right? I wandered about the party, eventually seeing an odd stallion. He had a spiky brown mane and tail. The mysterious stallion always disappeared before I could talk to him. Huh. The time passed quickly, and soon my clock struck 1:00 P.M. A few minutes after some ponies left, I told Pinkie I was partied out. Saying bye to Pinkie and a some other guests, I found a present sitting on the counter. A note read, "Do not open until the 21st." Who left this here? Maybe Raindrops? Or Colgate, or maybe Twilight! What was the importance of that day? That was a week away, anyways, so I don't have to worry too hard. As I slipped under the covers of my warm and inviting bed, I decided what I would do tomorrow. Tomorrow I was going to the library to talk more with this magical protege.
This story is very cute, and original, you should stick to it
I still need to do my own OC-insert story
A small error i saw that you might wanna fix ahead of time:
I got
still I love it
Thanks Dawn. I will stick to this!
Do I get to be a little harsh?
Erm, a little bit. It is my first story, but I've been writing on my computer for a while. Harsh away.
2067163 Problems I have with this fic (even if they are just small picky problems)
1. Wall of text for obvious reasons...
2. Soon, though, I slide out of bed and stumble downstairs. Time to use my new kitchen. Walking towards the kitchen, I yawn. Rubbing an eye with a hoof, I pick out my favorite Wonderbolts mug and get out some ingredients for coffee.
Dialogue like this seems off. It's almost like I'm reading off of a shopping list, not a small story. To make it worse, I'm reading it all with a robotic voice buzzing in my head. It can't be a bunch of short sentences mixed together! Eventually I slid out of my warm bed and plopped myself down on the cold, unforgiving floor. I guess it's time to check out my new kitchen. I thought bitterly, as I stumbled my way into the next room This example seems a little smoother.
3. I got confused as hell near the end. Did Twilight leave that present? Did she give him a sexually explicit note that we don't know about? Why does the guy want to talk to her again? Is she selling some weed back at the library? WHAT HAPPENED!?
4. The characters could use a LOT more dialogue. You say in the fic that Pinkie starts speaking at the speed of light but you didn't type anything up! "ohmygoshilovenewponiesandilovemakingfriendsandYOU'REBOTHwhichmakesitdoubletheawesomeandtriplethefun!" Some people resort to this type of text when Pinkie goes on a verbal killing spree. It's not creative but it gives people an Idea of what she is saying!
5. Time is passing quick as hell! He barely gets to the party and it's already time for him to leave and focus on the very next day? At least explain that time had passed by quickly while he was at the party!
Overall, pretty good, I like it. I'm interested to see where you go with this.
There's a few grammatical errors here and there, and some sentences could be ironed out and made a little smoother. You got an editor or prereader?
I feel a little bit...offended. But most of that makes sense *sigh* Oh well. And we aren't supposed to know who left the present.
2067294 Nope, my editor is me. I mean, I could ask a sister to edit this but I don't wanna.
2067342
Well, if you ask me, it's always better to have at least one prereader. When you edit your own stuff it's hard to fix everything, since you read what should be there instead of what is there. Just having someone to point out the iffy wording and dodgy spelling can work wonders on making things smoother.
2067364 Mostly the misspelled words are Autocorrect being stupid. But yeah, I know I should have a pre reader.
It's not bad over all. If I would offer any suggestions, it would be to add a space between paragraphs and use paragraph indentations. To make it seem less like they run together. Other then that I like the story.