Chapter 2: Blades of Our Past
“Mom, I don’t want you to go” a little colt cried out.
“Don’t worry, it will only be for a few days, besides, you’ll get to spend time with your favorite sitter” the colt’s mother said with a smile.
“Why do you have to go” the colt cried out a few tears running down his face.
“You know are family is honor bound to serve the princess, it was a command of hers, so no more tears, my little Blades” she said wiping away his tears. Blades sniffled a little then let out a big yawn for it was very late, well past his bedtime. Using magic Blades’s mother picked him up and put him on her back and covered him in a blanket. Outside Mr. Knight was packing a cart with supplies. There were several ponies doing the same, for every member of the Knight family was getting ready to leave, and of the family, Blades being the youngest was going to be left in Canterlot under the watchful eyes of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Blades was now fast asleep on his mom’s back.
“Sapphire, Dear, are you ready to go?” said the stallion filling the cart. The stallion was Blades father Saber Knight.
“Yes Dear, I just had to get Blades ready” said Sapphire Knight with a smile as two bags floated to the cart, a third one floated slowly close to the ground.
Saber Knight looked at the third bag. “What’s in this one Dear?” he asked.
“Just a bunch of books for Blades to read while we are gone” Sapphire said. Saber put it in the cart and slipped in to the harness to pull it, soon every member of the Knights family started off toward the castle. Once at the castle, most of the group left their carts and went inside, Sapphire and Saber went a little ways further stopping in front of a house not far from the castle. Sapphire walked up to the door and knocked on it three times as Saber pulled Blade’s stuff out of the cart.
Soon a very sleepy Cadence opened the door “Hello?” She said sheepishly.
“Hello Princess Cadence, sorry if I woke you, but could you watch Blades for a week or two?” Sapphire asked.
Cadence let out a big yawn before answering “I’d love to watch him” she said with a big smile.
Sapphire smiled “thank you very much” she said. A light blue aura enveloped Blade and his blanket as he was transferred from his mother’s back to Cadence’s. Sapphire kissed Blades on his head then went to help her husband. Cadence walked inside and to a small room with a small bed, she gently laid Blades on it. Cadence walked out and went to help Sapphire and Saber.
Blades woke up then next morning, he knew where he was well before Cadence came in. “Well good morning sleepy head” Cadence said with a big smile.
Blades crossed his forhooves and rolled over to face the wall. “I want Mommy” he said in a grumpy tone.
“I’m sorry she had to go, but I do have one thing that will cheer you up, I made those pancakes you love” Cadence said with a smile
Blades sat up with a big grin mostly forgetting that his parents had left him there. “Yay, Pancakes” he cheered. He was now jumping about the room cheering “Pancakes, Pancakes, Pancakes.” when there came a knock on the door.
“Hey Blades, could you go wait in the dining room, while I go see who is at the door?” Cadence asked. Blades hopped out of the room still cheering “Pancakes” over and over again. Cadence went to the front door and opened it. Standing there was a mare with a little filly.
Blades sat in his seat and started pounding a fork and knife on the table still cheering “Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!!” when Cadence came in to the room followed by a little filly.
“Could you please go sit at the table?” Cadence asked the little filly. The filly nodded and did as asked and sat a crossed from Blades, who had stopped cheering and had tilted his head looking at the filly. He quickly smiled then started pounding his knife and fork again and started his cheerful chanting once more.
After a few minutes Blades stopped again looking at the filly, who was constantly looking behind her. Blades leaned over to look were the filly was looking to see a box. “Does she want something from that box?” he wondered. He looked back towards the filly then the box again. He hopped out of his seat and walked over to the box and looked in it. Inside the box were several books. Blades smiled and walked around the box and put his hooves on it and tried to push it, but it wouldn’t budge. He tried again and again but the box would not move. The filly just sat there and stared at him. Blades took a few steps back then rammed in to the box, which slide a few inches before stopping. Blades repeated the process over and over again till the box was next to the table. The filly smiled as a book floated out of the box covered in a magenta aura
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2145668
you mean you liked the prologue and found the first chapter frustrating.
why is ch1 frustrating to you?
How many times do you reread a chapter? If you say zero, then smack yourself in the head, please. Or if you have no time to do it for yourself, then get a proofreader.
Some words weren't really fit into the place in my opinion.
I would have written 'cheered', instead of 'screamed'. It gives the wrong idea... okay, a hilarious one, but still. *Snort* Sorry, it's just that, I pictured a screaming little Blade, who was hysterically bellowing pancakes, instead of chirping happily for them. Sadly, i doubt your goal was to give the wrong, yet hilarious idea... (This can be prevented, by rereading your work and looking at the story from a reader's perspective.)
Well, this was a rather sudden change, I have to say. With some formating, you can make this time change a little more special. It's not really enjoyable. Let's say, the whole flashback event is in italic and the 'Back to present.' could be placed after a page break or a series of unique markings.
Examples:
And here you would continue writing in normal. You get what I am saying? Make the happenings stick out and make us carve every event into our memories, by helping us to remember them. Formating is one way to do it, the other one is writing style, which you are probably developing...
Also... Apple Jack? You ought to look it up, what it is. You meant Applejack, the cute little farm mare, who would buck your teeth out, if she finds out you mixed up a beverage with her very being...
So, the things you should do:
- Reread for grammar, so people won't feel frustrated.
- Choose your words widely, because it might give the wrong idea.
- Formating, so you leave behind a memorable story. (Which is why we write, along with the fun part.)
- Elaborate on the situation, in order to make the most unimportant event interesting, so it won't feel rushed.
And a personal suggestion... DO. NOT. RUSH! Give two sits about what people tell you!
Ignore these and write when YOU want. If you so desire, take a month-long break, so you feel ready for the next chapter. Work on a chapter for several days, with enough time to recollect yourself. No one is pushing you, so do take this advice and make sure to not allow your downfall to occur, all because of inpatient readers!
I did not point out every mistake. It is YOU, who have to see them, in order to improve on yourself! Remember, there is no bad story... just bad storyteller...
~Adam
Ps.: Patiently waiting for next chapter. You have a nice plot (Yes, in both ways.) , so do improve on the writing itself, for your and the readers' pleasure. As of right now, I would give 10/6.5 on this story. Just because I listed up your flaws, that doesn't mean that the cons aren't the dominant one in this case.
In short: You have high potential, so do not falter and keep on writing! People are interested in your work, but will leave you eventually, if you won't improve!
3100482
thanks for pointing those out for me, i will go back through the chapter and fix them and any more i catch.
and yes i did forget to do read trough on it
i did not have my pc for the last two weeks and was in a rush to finish this chapter.
3100821
... is all I can say... again, actually. It's one thing you want to finish up something quickly, but make sure to do it right... which is impossible, if you rush, so... patience... for both you and the readers.
That right there pretty much turns me away from this. I decided to read some anyway. You need to get an editor there are grammar and spelling mistakes in almost every sentence. Also I get the strangest feeling that your OC is going to be taking a dip into the Sea of Stu'dom.
3689997 sorry
, i know i need to go back through and fix those
Spoilers: I bet it doesn't.
Also, you may be pregnant.
Because you missed a period.
4197679 lol thanks for showing me that.
Why did you capitalize the title?