a normal guy gets thrown in to a world of talking colorful ponies, whats the worst that could happen
the pic is based on the cover of sunset of time but drawn by me
a normal guy gets thrown in to a world of talking colorful ponies, whats the worst that could happen
the pic is based on the cover of sunset of time but drawn by me
Intresting and full subject! Gotta love rainbow dash
anyway, despite a few grammar mistakes, which are fairly subtle so i won't point them out, AWESOME story! -rapidly hits like button-
4799246 I want your avatar naaOO!!
Pretty Please sir!
Honestly, the pace of progression is a little fast, you should better stay at a particular topic for a while instead of flying over it, and not skip to the next so quickly, it gives the story an unnatural feeling.
Funny kept up the good work
4863576
thank you and i will
i hope to have the next chapter done soon
4799246
thank you i hope the next chapter will keep you reading
4804878
now why would i give you my avatar pic ?
4805951 i will try harder not to go as fast and put more detail in to things
so that's how you get pinkie to stop talking
i love the story so far, keep it up
Immediate problems are found in the first few sentences. First off, it feels awkward to swallow the fact that the main character instantly begins to suspect what happened to him right as he woke up. I would have expected him to take in his surroundings, realise that he wasn't where he was BEFORE he started to suspect that he hit his head.
Also, the comma isn't correct punctuation in the second sentence. The comma should instead be a period to separate into two sentences.
This should be a better descriptive singular sentence.
Again, misuse of a comma. The first comma is incorrect, while the second one is.
A stranger calling out to you in the middle of the night wouldn't lead to such an easy introduction. For all of Twilight's concern, this is a complete stranger.
Holy fracking sh!t! This guy still stops himself from saying purple and instead says violet, because it is the "proper" word to say!
Yeah, it honestly doesn't matter.
Wait, what? How in the name of heck did the last sentence transition to dialogue? The dialogue isn't even quoted! What they hay?!
This...this is just a mess. I can't discern the scene because there are far too many transitions and speech is thrown in left in right without provocation.
What the- didn't you already see Twilight before?! Please, for the love of Celestia, please keep track of your continuity.
Now how in the hay did you mess that one up...?
Don't ever go full caps lock. Never. Ever. One exclamation point after every sentence still conveys the feeling of a character screaming their lungs out.
These ponies should have fainted by now at this language, or at least cringe.
Well, this is the end of the structural error of Chapter One. Well, I will now give a story-based summary of each chapter, and express how I feel about each.
Alright, from the get go, the character is immediately flung in without any background set-up, any sort of trigger, or any sort of warning that he would be thrown in. Immediately, I can tell that the pacing is horribly rushed, and when there are no transitions to dialogue or actions that a character does, there are just as many transitions to dialogue and actions that would hardly be appropriate for the time and setting right now.
In short, your characters do things which in reality, they would be doing something else more sensible.
These characters are horribly out-of-character (OOC), and I feel that I'm not reading about the mane six, but different dull and boring characters.
Short summary: OOC characters, bad dialogue, uninteresting character, bad pacing, and bad grammar. Remember, you cannot rely on Autocorrect for everything. Go back and re-read your story before submission. Fix any mistakes you see. If dialogue seems awkward, act it out in your room. I know it makes you and I look like dorks, but this is how I managed to save my stories from redundant and awkward speaking.
Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)
This isn't a good start for the beginning, where most people will stop and give you a downvote, but as I watch over these mistakes, I realize that these mistakes can be fixed very easily. The grammar, punctuation, and odd dialogue are the biggest worry.
Pinkie Pie would never harm another with her party cannon. Save for a Changling, but this was just a stranger that was running away.
Celestia would never talk this this fashion. She isn't sarcastic or sassy, she's majestic and often, to the point.
quickmeme.com/img/90/901f4ca126d036ebf752aedcf84171489e563b27dc69528c83f8cb246e7fc49b.jpg
Tell me how your character knows Rainbow Dash's nickname without having been to Equestria before. Please, tell me.
Runon sentence is runon. Also, where is an exclamation mark after every sentence?
The second chapter practically has the same problems as the first one. Way to fast pacing. Just pacing, pacing, pacing.
Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)
Goddamnit.
Summarizes the third chapter pretty well.
Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)
5625235 thanks for pointing out the problems i will try and fix them as i go.
5625256 Not as you go, but from the beginning.
5625330 i meant that as i go on i will go back and fix the problems.
5625408 Alrighty. Good luck with your future endeavors.
-ShadowFall
yay
The word I is always capitalized. Also, are you taking what ShadowFall said into account?
Another year has passed, this story is basicly hopeless to update, time to remove from my tracking
Well dude good luck then ^^ The story is nice so far.