• Member Since 25th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 1st, 2023

Blood Blader


T

a normal guy gets thrown in to a world of talking colorful ponies, whats the worst that could happen

the pic is based on the cover of sunset of time but drawn by me

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 23 )

Intresting and full subject! Gotta love rainbow dash :rainbowlaugh:
anyway, despite a few grammar mistakes, which are fairly subtle so i won't point them out, AWESOME story! -rapidly hits like button-

4799246 I want your avatar naaOO!!
Pretty Please sir!:fluttercry:

Honestly, the pace of progression is a little fast, you should better stay at a particular topic for a while instead of flying over it, and not skip to the next so quickly, it gives the story an unnatural feeling.

Funny kept up the good work

4863576
thank you and i will
i hope to have the next chapter done soon

4799246
thank you i hope the next chapter will keep you reading

4804878
now why would i give you my avatar pic ?

4805951 i will try harder not to go as fast and put more detail in to things

so that's how you get pinkie to stop talking

i love the story so far, keep it up

“Ouch, man that hurts” I said waking up. “Ok let’s see, due to the pounding in my head, I must have hit my head pretty damn hard, I may even have a concussion.” I said as I opened my eyes to find I was lying on the ground, I didn’t dare move as to not aggravate any injury I may have.

Immediate problems are found in the first few sentences. First off, it feels awkward to swallow the fact that the main character instantly begins to suspect what happened to him right as he woke up. I would have expected him to take in his surroundings, realise that he wasn't where he was BEFORE he started to suspect that he hit his head.

Also, the comma isn't correct punctuation in the second sentence. The comma should instead be a period to separate into two sentences.

I soon came upon some apple trees. I quickly went over to the closest tree.

This should be a better descriptive singular sentence.

I found a large tree and sat under it, it was a very nice night, so I thought I would lie under the starry night sky.

Again, misuse of a comma. The first comma is incorrect, while the second one is.

“That’s ok, it is that time of the night after all” I said not notice the odd word she had used. “So, how about we lower our lights before we introduce are selves” I said

“That sounds good” the female voice called out. I have to admit she sounds pretty cute.

A stranger calling out to you in the middle of the night wouldn't lead to such an easy introduction. For all of Twilight's concern, this is a complete stranger.

a pur… no violet little horse

Holy fracking sh!t! This guy still stops himself from saying purple and instead says violet, because it is the "proper" word to say!

Yeah, it honestly doesn't matter.

Last thing I remember was the sight of the violet horse running up to me then all went black.

Well while I’m out cold I might as well let you know a few things about myself. Ok ill start with my age and profession. I am 23 and I am a student, I am a Visual Arts major. The last time I checked I was five foot nine; I have dark blonde hair that was cut short at maybe 1.5 in. I have blue eyes, that odd shade of blue. Now that you know a little more about me, I’ll let you find out the rest later.

Wait, what? How in the name of heck did the last sentence transition to dialogue? The dialogue isn't even quoted! What they hay?!

“Twi… darling are you sure, he seems like an ordinary s…. to me.” I heard a voice say as I started to come too.

“Ya, sugercube, what you saying makes no l… of sense.” Said another voice with a southern accent.

I sat up and put what should be my hand to my head rubbing it gently. “Did anyone get the number of that bus that hit me?” I asked opening my eyes. I find I am sitting on a couch in what seems to be a library. There were a few audible gasps to me waking up. I closed my eyes again and yawned as I heard something come over to the couch. “Please whatever you do don’t panic” the female voice from last night said

“Now why would I panic, I can see only two problems right now. One, my head is pounding, but that is normal with hitting one’s head hard twice. Two, I’m in a place I do not recognize.” I said

This...this is just a mess. I can't discern the scene because there are far too many transitions and speech is thrown in left in right without provocation.

“Wait, what the hell did you just call me?” I ask opening my eyes and turning towards the source of the voice I heard only to come face to face with two small horses. One of the two horses was the same one I saw last night; the other had a cyan coat, magenta eyes and a rainbow mane. My eye starts twitching. “no, no, no, no, no, no, no this is not happening, I must be hallucinating, or I’m just going crazy, I mean talking colorful little horses are an impossibility” I said scooting a bit away from the two figments of my imagination.

What the- didn't you already see Twilight before?! Please, for the love of Celestia, please keep track of your continuity.

“What in the hey is he muttering on about”

in the hey

hey

Now how in the hay did you mess that one up...?:facehoof:

“CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALM DOWN I HAVE BEEN TURNED IN TO A FUCKING ANIMAL, AND WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN TALKING TO YOU, ALL OF YOU ARE JUST FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION BROUGHT ON BY PSYCHOSIS, OR TOO MANY HITS TO THE HEAD!!” I yelled at the violet horse.

Don't ever go full caps lock. Never. Ever. One exclamation point after every sentence still conveys the feeling of a character screaming their lungs out.

“FUCK,OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, GOD DAM THAT HURT

These ponies should have fainted by now at this language, or at least cringe.

Well, this is the end of the structural error of Chapter One. Well, I will now give a story-based summary of each chapter, and express how I feel about each.

Alright, from the get go, the character is immediately flung in without any background set-up, any sort of trigger, or any sort of warning that he would be thrown in. Immediately, I can tell that the pacing is horribly rushed, and when there are no transitions to dialogue or actions that a character does, there are just as many transitions to dialogue and actions that would hardly be appropriate for the time and setting right now.

In short, your characters do things which in reality, they would be doing something else more sensible.

These characters are horribly out-of-character (OOC), and I feel that I'm not reading about the mane six, but different dull and boring characters.

Short summary: OOC characters, bad dialogue, uninteresting character, bad pacing, and bad grammar. Remember, you cannot rely on Autocorrect for everything. Go back and re-read your story before submission. Fix any mistakes you see. If dialogue seems awkward, act it out in your room. I know it makes you and I look like dorks, but this is how I managed to save my stories from redundant and awkward speaking.

Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)

This isn't a good start for the beginning, where most people will stop and give you a downvote, but as I watch over these mistakes, I realize that these mistakes can be fixed very easily. The grammar, punctuation, and odd dialogue are the biggest worry.

I got hit in the chest by a brick, a brick that was shot out of a cannon.

Pinkie Pie would never harm another with her party cannon. Save for a Changling, but this was just a stranger that was running away.

“Alright Mr. Human, first off we are not horses. We are ponies

Celestia would never talk this this fashion. She isn't sarcastic or sassy, she's majestic and often, to the point.

“Well, I can’t obviously say if it had teeth it would have bit me, because the zipper is made up of teeth.” I answered.

quickmeme.com/img/90/901f4ca126d036ebf752aedcf84171489e563b27dc69528c83f8cb246e7fc49b.jpg

“Hello Crash!”

Tell me how your character knows Rainbow Dash's nickname without having been to Equestria before. Please, tell me.

Hi my name is Pinkie Pie, you must be new because I know every, and I mean, every pony in Ponyville, and if your new that means you don’t have many friends, that makes me sad, I should throw you a super duper big welcome party.” Said the hyperactive, pink pony.

Runon sentence is runon. Also, where is an exclamation mark after every sentence?

The second chapter practically has the same problems as the first one. Way to fast pacing. Just pacing, pacing, pacing.

Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)

“Ya, I think I have one. The name’s Knight, Blades Knight” I said in the most Bond-like accent I could pull off.

Goddamnit.

Summarizes the third chapter pretty well.

Verdict: 4/10 (Below Average)

5625235 thanks for pointing out the problems i will try and fix them as i go.

5625256 Not as you go, but from the beginning.

5625330 :facehoof: i meant that as i go on i will go back and fix the problems.

5625408 Alrighty. Good luck with your future endeavors.

-ShadowFall

The word I is always capitalized. Also, are you taking what ShadowFall said into account?

Another year has passed, this story is basicly hopeless to update, time to remove from my tracking

Well dude good luck then ^^ The story is nice so far.

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