Fluttershy remembers the day she said goodbye to her husband before he was deployed. It was a moment she will never forget. Now that he has returned home from deployment and is now reunited with his wife and newborn daughter, Fluttershy soon notices a major difference in him. When she attempts to ask him what happened while he was deployed, she receives an answer that she was not prepared to hear.
*Rated Teen for some gore, language, minor sexual themes and alcohol references*
Page generated in 0.108 seconds
Total duration
988 users online
16,412 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
My jimmies just got raped....
This seems interesting, I'll check it out after school.
Some constructive criticism:
The Story line and plot is wonderful. I love the fact that you have incorporated real world ideoligies into the MLP Universe. The only problem is a few spelling errors and some improper grammer. I would qoute it but im in a rush. I reccomend a proof reader or using a spell checker. Favorited and upvoted. Please do update this!
P.S. Twilight cant have a husband... Im her husband
P.S.S. Im just kidding
Why would a earth stallion be named Thunder? I don't disapprove, it's just more of a pegusus or unicorn name.
2047424
I was originally going to go with the name "Steel" but I thought it seemed overused and a character in one of my other stories has that name and it just didn't feel right so I just stuck with Thunder
2047398
There are some things I may have missed but if you're able to point out the grammar and misspelled words I can have those fixed
And thanks for the favorite and up vote!
This story is an experiment with a different style of writing than what I'm used to doing so any constructive criticism is welcome 
2048345
THUNDERCATS HOOOOOooooo.....
80's reference aside, your explanation does make sense.
Wait...
Could his name be related to his talent? Hmm...
2048441
>.>
<.<
Maaaaaayyybe.........
The story is so far interesting. I'm taking inventory of all the grammar and spelling errors and I will send you a corrected version by P.M.
Before I give you the praise that you deserve, I'm going to take the criticism sledgehammer to your fic. You have a truly amazing number of errors. They are ubiquitous and omnipresent. The most jarring issues are your run-on sentences and dreadful paragraph formatting. Keep your narrative tight and your sentences efficient. You can have sentences of various lengths with differing levels of complexities, but do not allow the sentence to just ramble on and on and on. However, those are not your biggest problems. Your biggest issue is your simplistic prose. I find it hard to believe that you are a high school graduate, let alone eighteen years old. To be blunt, you write like a sixth grader. The kind of morality and nuance I am seeing in your writing comes across as being almost a caricature of black and white morality. It simply does not seem like the way that I would expect an adult to view the world. You depend far too much on the simplest pronouns (she, he, etc...), which adds a massive degree of ambiguity. Your text can be somewhat confusing to read. And also, cut down on the excessive giggling and smiling; it comes across as out of character and makes it difficult for readers to take things seriously. When you use dialogue, you only need to start a new paragraph when a different character starts talking. Describing something that they, or anypony else, is doing, can take place in the same paragraph. There are also two things that I simply must tell you about. The first is that when you use "but" as a conjunction. you must precede it with a comma. Zum Beispiel: "I don't want to go to Afghaneighstan, but those are my orders." The second is that when you have dialogue, comma placement and capitalization are not flexible! The first word after the quotation marks is only capitalized if it either starts a new sentence, or it is a proper noun or a name. If you are describing how a pony says something, then end their dialogue with a comma and follow the capitalization rules. If you end the dialogue with a period and start a new sentence afterwards with a capitalized word, then you are describing an action that occurred after they finished speaking. You also use commas for direct addressed. I.E.: "Hey, Fluttershy!" You really need to take a refresher course in commas! Hell, if you could just correct the most obvious errors, then that would make your story significantly more enjoyable. Finally, you see to have trouble with the personalities of the cannon characters. I honestly cannot imagine Twilight Sparkle giggling and acting like a girly-girl. Fluttershy is not wholly in character, but seems to be much truer to her canon personality.
Now, here are the things I like about your fic in this chapter. The fic maintained a pleasant pace throughout. It never felt like you were rushing through things too quickly, nor did it feel as if you were dragging anything out. That's one that is harder to accomplish than many people realize and many writers seriously bungle it. You so far seem to have done a good job with your original character, Thunder. He seems to be a pretty decent guy. He isn't especially badass or anything. Rather, you remembered to write a person whose job just so happens to involve being a badass. The a mistake that a lot of guys who write military fiction make is that they forget that unflappable soldier is not a human personality. I like how Fluttershy is definitely the protagonist, but the real attention is on Thunder; it adds an outsider's perspective to the troubles of a warrior. The story is fun and engaging to read. You did manage to get some emotional leverage by illustrating the tender warmth of the relationship between Thunder and Fluttershy. The single strongest aspect of your narrative is the storytelling. You have a tale to tell and you manage to make it engaging. That, if nothing else, is this fic's saving grace.
To be concise, your story is unusual. The mechanics of it are positively dreadful, the characters all come off as being at least slightly dodgy, and the prose is extremely simplistic. However, the execution is solid enough to make it at least an okay read. I ought to find your fic subpar, but I find myself liking it on account of how well everything just seems to flow together. It's not a masterpiece or a work of art, but it's certainly a cut above the seas of sewage that characterize most fanfics. I would like to see the more in the future.
I give this 3/5 flutteryays.
2049072
! That wall of text makes my eyes go 
!!!
then i kept reading and went 
then i went 
then i was all 
and then i realized this dude is all 
! Now to troll! so yah do'nt werray grammer about, because, i am able, to make perfect, sense, with, comma splices, 
Mother of
At first I was all
2049072
First of all I'm still in high school, I'm a senior graduating in May. And yes I am 18 years old.
And this fic was written in my spare time. Of course it's not perfect and nor would I perceive it to be perfect. I enjoy constructive criticism, but from what you wrote, I could barely understand what you were trying to say. From what I comprehend from the text, it basically says "your story is shit and here's why". I am a beginner writer and through writing fanfics I could see my writing slowly progressing. I like to use simple text while writing and not use these big fancy words so it doesn't confuse readers. Like many others, I have read fics that had these words I could not understand and had to look up constantly to understand what was happening. That's why I apparently "write like a sixth grader". And writing is a form of art no matter how "dreadful" one thinks it is. Everyone has a different opinion about certain things and I do appreciate yours.
I do thank you for taking the time to critique the first chapter and point out the mistakes I need to work on for the future.
2049928
I'm not saying that your story is shit. I would tell you if I thought that it was crap. I'm saying that it's enjoyable, but the narrative suffers from a plethora of mechanical issues. I am certainly willing to help with proofreading and constructive criticism. Regardless, I do not believe in heaping unearned praise upon a story. I might have completely different standards than you because I have to write for college professors. Anyhow, all fanfic is written on spare time, and the only way to get better at writing is to do a lot of reading and writing.
2050160
The main reason for the use of vocabulary and simple format is for it to appeal to the younger audiences to where the will be easier to understand. I can definitely use more complex formatting if I really wanted to but I want the readers to understand what I'm trying to get at, if that makes sense. I understand you have to write for college professors but I generally write as a hobby and whenever I have spare time to appeal to younger audiences. But I do know that I need to work on some grammar and paragraph formatting and I'm using fanfictions as a way to advance.
2050250
О, я вижу. Я был дурак. Солдат, прости меня, пожалуйста. Oh, so that's what you're trying to do. My complaint with your formatting is that it is both stylistically flawed and weird. There is no reason why you need to have such unusual formatting. Nobody ever had a coronary because they had to read a paragraph six lines long. The paragraphs in the Narnia books, Harry Potter books, and so on, are of fairly decent size. Whatever, it's your story. However, I do think that it's slightly odd that you're trying to get young readers looking at a story that involves war, PTSD, sex, and violence. Oh well, I'll keep watching this story.
2050383
No sex is involved. It has the sex tag in it because the first chapter contains slight sexual humor (example: when Thunder grabs Fluttershy's flank).
And I've met with soldiers who had minor to severe PTSD which has given me an inspiration to write this. It will give an insider to the effects of PTSD
By god, everyones taking all the good ideas...
It's a pretty good fic so far, made me smile from here to there
But the one thing I don't like... is the lack of time-setting. I'd like to know how old the mane six are, how old the foal is, how long Thunder has been away for, and more stuff of that nature. I'd imagine that its been about a year or two, considering that the foal isn't sucking on Fluttershy's teat for nutrients. What else can I criticize... hmm.... more detail? Thats all I got for now.
Idea though! Make it so one of the mane six has a foal, but no father to attend to it (because that kind of angst will make your readers more curious about the lives that the mane six are living). Cheers
2049928 Well done my good sir, I enjoyed this very much. Question though, I looked at your bio and it says your an Abrams Crewman, but you're still in high school. How'd you manage that exactly?
2051099
I'm enlisted into the army and signed up for the Abrams Armor Crewman MOS but have not yet left for basic training. I probably should fix the bio, I might of word it wrong
2053568 Oh gotcha! that makes sense, cause if there was like a way to enlist in the military right before you finish school and do basic training; come back and finish school and just do your MOS after you graduate, I'd like to do that!
Ooooh I love this so far
I'm still learning English but well I can't say that there's anything wrong with it that made me unable to read 
aaaanyways, please write more 
I don't know, but I think what happned is either A.) His Platoon got wasted, ot B.) He had to do something in the military he'd never do before he enlisted. I know people with both stories.
The long awaited chapter is finally here! Apologies for the hiatus
This chapter has been split into two parts so I left a nice cliffhanger here
And if anyone notices something I may have missed, let me know and I can fix it right away
~Shysoldier
Well this just keeps getting more interesting
2526316
A CLIFFHANGER!
YOU HUMAN SON OF A BISCUIT!
MOAR! GIVE ME MOAR!
Great fic. I sure do hope it doesnt take another what... 8 weeks to update! This story is great! However you may want to run through this with a spell checker. I'm in a bit of a rush otherwise i would point them out. keep up the good work
HoHo! Fluttershy getting her Thang on!
I like this chapter. The way that Thunder so openly expressed how he was feeling seemed a little rushed/forced but its ok. It doesn't take away from the story
2664042
This part of the chapter was a little bit rushed. I had some ideas when I was writing and had writer's block right when I got to it. But, I am going to have this story finished before I go to Army Basic Combat Training (BCT)
2673590
Sounds good. I wish you the best of luck at BCT. My Aunt went through that. She said once you get past the yelling it's just like working out at a gym apparently
Finally a good story where they're all straight. So far.
i would like to see it
A sequel would be really cool.
SEQUEL!
If that is all right with you...
yea let see it
I've noticed that I made the name of Twilight's husband Flash. But after watching Equestria Girls, Twilight's crush is named Flash Sentry. Weird.
Quite good. Sergeant to Lieutenant sure is quite a jump, don't you think? And it could have been so easy to call him SGT Pepper.
This would be a lot better if Discord was Fluttershy’s husband