Chapter 1
A Surprise Visit
It was over Nightmare Moon was gone. they were surprised to see to 3 ponies 2 medium size one the size of Celestia. when the dust cleared they were even more surprised to see of them looking strangely kin. one got up to help the others up saying get up mainshep you to luna then mainshep says while getting up does it look like I love the ground Nightmare. Then Nightmare noticed the other 7 just starring at them with unexplainable faces. the star ponies are back home also then Nightmare star snapping back at her that they had names. Then readdressing them well it looks like Nightmare Star and Mainshep have come back home to. You want a present looking like he was about to attack. Everyone glaring at him because of his Very deep voice. I still remember how mother and father told you to end my life and right there you did but something happened and nobody liked who they saw NIGHTMARE STAR me in my Nightmare Form everyone scared to death you all sent me to the star DO YOU KNOW WHAT HELL MY LIFE HAS BEEN. they saw the darkness in me in the future FROM THERE MISTAKE but now now In more than one form. We all could have lived such a great life but YOU LISTENED AND KILLED YOUR TWIN. now let me give some of your Great Friends some knowledge After killing me I was taken and given another chance FOR MY OWN SOUL I was told to never forgive and forget all of the things done Mom and Dad hated me you were both loved For injustice I was forgiven Now You 6 In the past I worked in a place called the Rainbow Factory One of you were born there after discovery I was Sentenced to death BY MY OWN PARENTS now I know Mainshep is about to side with Celestia and one of you want to side with me. I don’t know who though if you want to help me get my justice I will keep the same rules and raise the sun and moon (Rainbow Dash) ME! “GASP” (everyone but Nightmare and Rainbow Dash look astonished at Rainbow Dash and the Alicorn Nightmare) (RainbowDash) Just don't hurt my friends please (Nightmare) As you wish Thank you for helpfulness and understanding. only one hurt will be celestia if you want to see how much of good idea that was fire a friendship rainbow at me I won’t dodge or anything and I Won’t be hurt. (Rainbow Dash) are you sure it took out Nightmare Moon? (Nightmare Star) Yeah im sure go ahead. Silence as the fire at him not doing anything to him. (Nightmare Star) Didn’t Hurt hehe. (Celestia) This is madness Nightmare there doesn’t need to be any more fighting. (Nightmare Star) Hm easy for you to say. Come on Rainbow Dash when your ready (Whispers where he will be at and leaves) (Fluttershy) Well Rainbow Dash if its ok but why are you going with that mean pony
(Rainbow Dash) I don’t know it just feels right (Twilight sparkle) But Rainbow Dash he wants to hurt us. (Rainbow Dash) he doesn’t want to hurt us he wants revenge on Celestia im leaving now I don’t want anymore of this (Applejack) Woo nelly you aren’t going know where. (Rainbow dash) There my wings. i’l go were I want. were going above the Celestia!
Dear God what the fuck.
OH MY GOD.
DAT WALL
Wow I can't believe this made it past moderation. You'll be the second person I tell to delete their fic. This reeks with laziness
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FUCKING NO
This, how did this even pass moderation.
THERE IS NO GRAMMAR PROBLEMS BECAUSE THERE IS NO GRAMMAR! Ever heard of a period, or perhaps fuking quotes!? What about dialogue or perhaps the enter key? Paragraphs?
*clears throat* congrats this is the most typical character, with a typical story, and typical shittyness from a first time writer. I admit, I was the same way... But damn dude, I at least knew what grammar was.
Faust have mercy on your soul.
Sweet Jesus MY fic is better then this!
What...in Nurgle's Rot...?
The fuck is this shit??
Нет...Это просто ужасно.
Interesting idea, sorry to say though that the people below me are right. If anything good can be salvaged from this is the fact that I have been given a confidence that my story isn't as bad... also I have been given a new idea I can use.
Not to be rude or anything, but please learn proper grammar and spelling before you write a story. 'I'm lazy' isn't a valid excuse.
What in the name of Baby Moses's Reed-Covered Bum?
No. Just...no...
Please tell me, by Celestia's nonexistant beard, what is going on here?!? I mean, is it one Nightmare or two? The lack of quotation marks... Please, please, if you are too lazy (as you said) to have basic grammar, then don't post the story.
And as to your account name being the name of the pony that is somehow getting revenge, and the picture being the same as your account's picture...
I'm sorry. But there are no words.
25.media.tumblr.com/fbe6a5fb7a56f669f6995965c99dacba/tumblr_mhijvh1eNj1rwej9io10_400.gif
Alright, I tried. I got through about three hundred words. That's better than I expected of myself. I am Onyxjew of the unoffical Society of Syntax Socialists, and I am here to tear into your first piece of the literary art like a starving raptor tears into a mouse carcass.
I'll begin with the most obvious problem; which is your apparent disregard for any conventions of modern literature or even the English language. Now, author, we all know the English language is confusing, complicated, and in some places downright moronic. This does not give you the right to ruthlessly assault it like a fifteen-dollar whore in the alley behind McDonald's.
Here, have a few choice mistakes you've made:
This sentence shows you clearly know what a period is, your keyboard is not missing this vital key. But this quote also shows you do not know how to use it. Here is the revised edition,
List of mistakes in this ONE sentence:
One count Lack of Capitalization
Two counts Disrespect of Literary Conventions
Three counts Criminal Neglect of Grammar
Revised:
Capitalization: One
Poor Word Choice/Spelling: One
Missing Word: One
Revised:
Kin
noun
1. A person's relatives collectively; kinfolk.
2. Family relationship or kinship.
3. A group of persons descended from a common ancestor or constituting a family, clan, tribe, or race.
4. A relative or kinsman.
5. Someone or something of the same or similar kind: philosophy and its kin, theology.
Remind me again what you meant with that sentence?
I could go on, but I am not your proof-reader. Nor would any sane person want to be. That jumbled wall of text was a nightmare to look at much less analyze. What, in the thrice-revoked and thrice-reinstated name of the Jabberwocken Spermsponge did you think you were doing when you released this upon a poor, unsuspecting site? For shame, author, for shame.
Well, I can only hope you enjoyed writing that contribution to the literary art and reading this comment, for I can assure you that the inverse of either is completely untrue.
Society of Syntax Socialists,
-Onyx
I have prepared certain steps for you to follow:
1) Read your own work and compare it to any book, fiction or otherwise, which you have either lying around, or which you have read on this site.
2) Be ashamed at the monstrosity you have birthed.
3) Send out an mental apology to all authors both in past, present and future in repentance.
4) Hit the revoke button.
5) Delete all things to do with this monumental catastrophe.
6) Burn or bin the remaining documents regarding it.
7) Read fiction, read lots of fiction, read guides on how to write fiction, come back with a coherent concept of what literature should look like in its natural form, arrange a plan for future writing, get an editor, ask about how to arrange your plot and characters with established authors on this site, accept criticism and understand that nobody's work is perfect, but strive to improve your work to at least a medium level of competence.
Then, and only then, Write a new story.
Alternatively, follow through with steps one to six and never write again. You do not want the hellfire that will be brought down upon you if you continue with the views, writing style and intense laziness you are currently championing. Nobody wants manure slapped across this site by people too lazy to care for their writing, and nobody cares for something which is nothing more than a badly written, chaotic failure of literature. If you want to write terrible abominations for a close cadre of your friends and relatives, thats fine, but don't subject the minds of others to such abominations by proclaiming it in public like some magnificent work of art which must be celebrated. If you continue like you are doing right now we will come down upon it like a pack of wolves and tear it apart, I guarantee it.
You have been warned.
....
This is a fic?
No it's not. This isn't a fic. It can't be. I refuse to believe it. This is something completely different, and worse. This is as if a collaboration existed between a toilet in Chernobyl and Ed Wood's bastard child. Perhaps it's even worse than that.
Never in my life have I seen so many down votes on one fic. But dear LORD did it deserve it.
I seriously feel like questioning the mods at this point. Why in the bleeding hell would you allow a story like this to get put on the site, for other people to read? That's like if I shot a motherfucking snuff film, and then proceeded to show it at EbertFest with full permission.
I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to actually read this story. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to even contemplate that kind of decision in the first place. I don't know why I even contemplated that contemplation just now, but you know what? That just goes to show how persistent I am to torture myself for other people to enjoy.
After that mind-numbingly stupid decision to read through it, this was presented to me;
Oh my, that's bad... ever heard of quotations? Question Marks? Correct use of anything ever? I guess not, but who am I to blame? If I set out to write a story about my godawful OC (which doesn't exist, mind you), I would completely ignore grammatical structure as well.
This so-called "fic" deserves to be shot down in flames while it gets sprayed with liquid nitrogen and and gallons of acid. Then, those few barely readable words should be put in a small plastic baggie, placed inside Megatron's robotic anus, sealed up with the most vile substance ever conceived, and then tossed into Hell's deepest lava filled crevice.
Oh yeah, and the author's note:
...What stuff are we talking about here?
Playing hookie? Sitting on your lazy ass and playing video games? Jacking off to horse ass? What part of your elephant turd of a mind thought that we would enjoy this?
...Oh, that's right. I forgot that you don't have one. Hear me out, though; because you don't have one, you have no reason to be offended or shocked. You shouldn't even be reading this comment anymore because you're so damn stupid you're too busy trying to figure out how to use your stubby little fingers to write me a reply, attempting to assure me you're completely literate and intelligent. It's cool bro.
Now if you excuse me, I need to gouge my eyes out, wash them with bleach, and then throw them away.
I've been on this site for a few months now and of all the stories I've read, I have only down voted two stories, this is the second. I've seen some poorly written stuff on here before, trust me, but this, this is just bad on a multitude of levels. The grammar, nonexistent; the story, couldn't read because I had no idea what was happening, just what the hell were you thinking man!? If you're going to do something, commit to it all the way or don't even bother lifting your finger in an attempt. Learn from this and make a better story on down the road.
The last time I saw a wall this thick was in berlin
STOP WRITING ANYTIME
No. Just no. Delete it all. Now. Or better yet, kill the fucking story with fire!!! Burn your computer, throw it out! do something, ANYTHING until you go and relearn everything you were supposed to learn in Kindergarten through 8th grade!!
It appears I've stumbled upon a landmark...The great wall of Fimfiction
You know, you can't actually see the great wall of China from space, but this shit right here is probably visible from Andromeda.
I couldn't even finish the...'chapter'—for want of a better word.
I don't normally down-vote, but this abomination well and truly deserves it.
2054198
My first thought when I saw the lack of indented paragraphs.
2063500
I laughed so hard at this!
2250085
This is the reason Discord shall throw his eyes away.
How did this story... Sorry the word story cannot be used since it was so bad. How did this thing make it past moderation anyway? I suggest pour acid into your computer drive immediately.
*gets blasted back from the computer screen*
DEAR LORD, GET A BETA!
I swear I'm getting some form of seizure after reading this, my God.
I've seen more emotion come from a drilling manual.
I can't tell if you're using Nightmare Star as an OC or the actual alternate corrupted toy version of Celestia, Nightmare Star. I can only assume the former from the cover art.
I would much rather re-read Paolini's repetitive mediocre products of his fantasy obsession for the rest of eternity rather than try to understand this.
Wait... what? Can someone just tell me what on Gods good Earth just happened? I have better grammar in my damn comment than this whole story! My brain cant take it!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! A YEAR AGO, THE SITE WOULDN'T LET ME POST A STORY BECAUSE THE GRAMMER WAS BAD! AND YET, SOMEHOW, THIS PASSED MODERATION!?
I'm sorry. But, whoever wrote this, has never heard of the word grammar. I've wrote sloppy stuff before, but that was when I was really young. Of course your not gonna write that great when your younger. But, this? Unacceptable to a whole new level. I literally read five sentences, if that's what they even are, and had to stop. I had no clue what was happening, what the point was, nothing! I now have a headache from even trying to read this. I'm gonna take a nap.
Oh this story looks ni- *pause* *flips table* *screams*
6491535
How did this pass moderation, you and everyone who flipped their desk after reading this story, ask? I have three groundbreaking theories.
1) The moderators were...quite intoxicated.
2) The author hacked into the Fimfiction admin console and overrode the standard flame code that should've burnt this story to a crisp(not likely).
3) The moderator read through the story thoughtfully as an evil smile crept upon his/her lips. "What if I let this pass moderation, just to mess with people?" This is almost certainly what happened.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/342/671/187.jpg
I couldn't understand any of that, I stopped reading because it got boring.
W-what? Just... How? fimfic pls.
Where are the Periods?
Shitty Spelling?
No Grammar?
Drunk/high admins?
Drunk/high writers??
Kill me?
I honestly think mods left this alone to serve as an example of what not to do, either that or you pestered them so much about it that they decided to let you do this to yourself. All in all if this was intentionally shitty it's on the wrong side of even that spectrum.
8199067
8120688
Remember, there was once a time FIMfiction’s bar of standards was low. Very, very, very, very low.
lyrics:
Chapter 1
A Surprise Visit
It was over Nightmare Moon was gone. they were surprised to see to 3 ponies 2 medium size one the size of Celestia. when the dust cleared they were even more surprised to see of them looking strangely kin. one got up to help the others up saying get up mainshep you to luna then mainshep says while getting up does it look like I love the ground Nightmare. Then Nightmare noticed the other 7 just starring at them with unexplainable faces. the star ponies are back home also then Nightmare star snapping back at her that they had names. Then readdressing them well it looks like Nightmare Star and Mainshep have come back home to. You want a present looking like he was about to attack. Everyone glaring at him because of his Very deep voice. I still remember how mother and father told you to end my life and right there you did but something happened and nobody liked who they saw NIGHTMARE STAR me in my Nightmare Form everyone scared to death you all sent me to the star DO YOU KNOW WHAT HELL MY LIFE HAS BEEN. they saw the darkness in me in the future FROM THERE MISTAKE but now now In more than one form. We all could have lived such a great life but YOU LISTENED AND KILLED YOUR TWIN. now let me give some of your Great Friends some knowledge After killing me I was taken and given another chance FOR MY OWN SOUL I was told to never forgive and forget all of the things done Mom and Dad hated me you were both loved For injustice I was forgiven Now You 6 In the past I worked in a place called the Rainbow Factory One of you were born there after discovery I was Sentenced to death BY MY OWN PARENTS now I know Mainshep is about to side with Celestia and one of you want to side with me. I don’t know who though if you want to help me get my justice I will keep the same rules and raise the sun and moon (Rainbow Dash) ME! “GASP” (everyone but Nightmare and Rainbow Dash look astonished at Rainbow Dash and the Alicorn Nightmare) (RainbowDash) Just don't hurt my friends please (Nightmare) As you wish Thank you for helpfulness and understanding. only one hurt will be celestia if you want to see how much of good idea that was fire a friendship rainbow at me I won’t dodge or anything and I Won’t be hurt. (Rainbow Dash) are you sure it took out Nightmare Moon? (Nightmare Star) Yeah im sure go ahead. Silence as the fire at him not doing anything to him. (Nightmare Star) Didn’t Hurt hehe. (Celestia) This is madness Nightmare there doesn’t need to be any more fighting. (Nightmare Star) Hm easy for you to say. Come on Rainbow Dash when your ready (Whispers where he will be at and leaves) (Fluttershy) Well Rainbow Dash if its ok but why are you going with that mean pony
(Rainbow Dash) I don’t know it just feels right (Twilight sparkle) But Rainbow Dash he wants to hurt us. (Rainbow Dash) he doesn’t want to hurt us he wants revenge on Celestia im leaving now I don’t want anymore of this (Applejack) Woo nelly you aren’t going know where. (Rainbow dash) There my wings. i’l go were I want. were going above the Celestia!
Good lord...