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Chapter 1: Those About to Pie2,002 words
Chapter 2: Go Ahead, Bake My Day1,817 words
Chapter 3: Dough or Die2,080 words
Chapter 4: All or Muffin2,650 words
Chapter 5: Marzipanic3,193 words

Chapter 5: Marzipanic

Chapter Five

Marzipanic

“She asked me to murder somepony!” Bon-Bon Insisted.

Doctor Ink Blot looked thoughtfully at her from across his desk. “That certainly doesn’t sound like Pinkie Pie. Are you certain you heard her correctly?”

“Well, she claimed it was a joke after she said it, but I’m not sure I believe it.”

“Well, I am sure,” the doctor said, he stood up from his chair and walked over to his filing cabinet. “I get complaints about Pinkie Pie all the time” – he pulled out a manilla envelope marked ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie’ and began flipping through it – “and every time I bring her in for yet another psyche evaluation the results are the same; a volatile mix of interesting disorders, to be sure, but it is my professional opinion that as as over-the-top as she may be, she’s completely harmless.”

“You weren’t there doc! She’s clearly unhinged!”

“Did you not hear what I just said? Of course she’s unhinged, but not in a way that makes her a danger to herself or others.”

“But she–”

“Told a very bad joke. I’ll set up another appointment for her just to be safe, but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about.” He took a moment to examine her. “Perhaps we should talk about your chronic anxiety.”

“What chronic anxiety? This isn’t about me!”

“I think it is. If you could look at this and tell me what you see...” The doctor said, producing a piece of glossy paper printed with a roughly symmetrical series of black splotches that resembled two ponies fighting.

“Forget it!” Bon-Bon shouted, leaping to her hooves. I’m not the one who needs help! If you won’t listen, then I’ll have to deal with this myself!” She stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her.

++++++

‘Come try our NEW Snickerdoodle Cupcakes! Your favorite cookie is now a cupcake!’

Pinkie’s latest flavor invention was proving to be a massive success. So popular was this newest treat that the Cakes were having trouble keeping up with the influx of orders for a recipe they had only been given this morning. Buoyed by her success, Pinkie was acting more like her old self again when a white unicorn in sunglasses entered the shop.

“Hey there Scratchy! What can I do for you? You here to try the new flavor? It’s yummylicious!”

Vinyl Scratch shook her head and pointed at the ‘help wanted’ sign hanging in the window.

“Oh you’re here about the job?”

Vinyl nodded.

“One second!” Pinkie Pie vanished in a puff of pink smoke, reappearing one second later with a very disoriented looking Mr. Cake in tow. “Mr. Cake! Scratchy’s here about the job!”

After taking a moment to process that he was no longer in the kitchen, Mr. Cake took a look at their new applicant. “Alright then... I’ll get you an application.”

Vinyl nodded. Mr. Cake ducked down under the counter and came up with a piece of paper and a quill, which he passed across to Vinyl. Vinyl took the page and sat down at a table to fill it out.
When Mr. Cake returned to the kitchen Mrs. Cake was waiting there with a question in her eyes.

“Somepony asking for an application,” he explained.

++++++

The mayor had a choice to make. One that could make or break her career come next election, as all choices seemed to be these days. In front of her on the desk were two buttons; ‘Vote Muffins!’ and ‘Cupcakes 4ever!’ The Mayor scowled at them. An aide stood behind her with a stack of papers.

“Madame Mayor, preliminary poll results indicate that the approval rate of muffins is rising, while cupcakes seem to be holding their ground, although we can’t be sure until we run a proper survey,” the aide informed her.

“How long will a survey take?”

The aide bit her lip. “Too long, the ponies are clamoring to see you take action on the issue, currently cupcakes are still the more popular, but if the trend continues muffins will have surpassed them before the week is out, and whichever side you take will surely be bolstered by your support.”

The mayor scowled. “Making me very unpopular with the other party. If a significant enough portion of the populace wants to force me out I may have some tough competition in the upcoming election...” She winced at the thought.

The aide shuffled her feet awkwardly. “Madame Mayor... why don’t you just... pick the one you like most?” She asked hesitantly.

The mayor looked at her like she was crazy. “I’m a public figure! I can’t have opinions, only answers! Opinionated officials lose elections.”

“There is a fairly sizable neutrality movement...”

The mayor threw her forehooves into the air. “I can’t be neutral either! that will give the impression that I can’t make a decision!” She flopped down onto her desk. “Why are politics so hard?”

Suddenly from outside the room a scuffle could be heard. the mayor and her aide both stopped and stared at the door.

“I told you! The mayor is busy right now! you’ll have to make an appointment!” the secretary's muffled voice came through the door.

“And I told you that by then it will be too late!” an irate voice replied.

“NO! You can’t go in there! SECURITY!”

The door bust open, and a very frazzled Bon-Bon tumbled into the room. “Madame Mayor! I have to speak with you!”

The secretary came in right behind her. “Madame Mayor, I am so sorry. Security will be here to escort her out momentarily.”

“Pinkie Pie has gone insane! she’s going to do something drastic soon and we have to stop her!” Bon-Bon shouted.

The mayor stared at her. “I’m afraid you must be mistaken. Miss Pie wouldn’t step on an ant.”

“She ordered me to assassinate somepony! and when I refused she tried to play it off as a joke!” Bon-Bon insisted.

“That’s ridiculous.” The mayor waved her away. “I’m absolutely certain there is nothing to worry about.”

“But Madame Mayor–” Bon-Bon started to protest, but by then the security ponies had arrived and were hauling her out of the room. “Why will nopony listen to me?!”

The mayor sighed as the door to her office closed behind the screaming pony. “Well, there’s one pony who won’t be voting for me.” She looked back down at the two buttons; finally, she picked up the muffin button. “This one matches my coat better.”

++++++

Vinyl Placed her application on the counter with a flourish. Pinkie grinned and accepted it. “Okie Dokie Lokie! We’ll give it a look over and call you in for an interview later today!”

Vinyl nodded and went right back to the same table as before, making a point of sitting back down as if to say ‘I’ll wait.’

++++++

We never saw him coming, but without warning Pinkbeard was upon us. I never found out why he attacked us; we had no cargo worth taking, and Pirates aren’t supposed to attack one another. I can only assume it was a personal matter between himself and my parents. But whatever the reason, there he was.

Twilight attempted to take a sip of tea without looking away from the page in front of her, and came dangerously close to spilling it all over her brand new copy of ‘The Life and Crimes of Dread Pirate Briny Blue’

The battle was over before we had the chance to ready our defense; our main mast was down and Pinkbeard’s crew swarmed across our deck.

Twilight Sparkle was roused from her reading reverie by an insistent pounding on the library door. “Spike! Answer the door!” she called. Several seconds passed and there was no reply from the little dragon, the knocking continued. “Spike! The door!” She called again. Still no answer. More knocking.

She sighed and put a bookmark in place. “Where is that dragon?” She stood up and went to the door. When she opened it she found a downright disheveled Bon-Bon. “Hello. What can I do for you?” Twilight asked pleasantly, trying not to jump to conclusions about her frazzled visage.

“I need to send a letter to Princess Celestia right away! Can I borrow your dragon?”

Twilight was taken aback by this request. “Um... I’m sorry, I don’t actually know where he is right now. Why don’t you come inside?” She stepped back to allow Bon-Bon entry. She led the other pony to the round table in the center of the main room and sat down. After a moment, Bon-Bon followed suit.

“Tea?” Twilight began as the floated a second teacup out of the kitchen and placed it in front of Bon-Bon.

“Yes please.” Bon-Bon replied.

Twilight poured tea into Bon-Bon’s cup. “Now, what is so urgent that you can’t wait for the regular postal service?”

“I think Pinkie Pie is going to kill Ditzy.” Bon-Bon replied.

Suddenly Bon-Bon was hit with a spray of tea from Twilight’s mouth. “Oh! I’m so sorry!” Twilight apologized; she lit her horn and the liquid evaporated. “That is a very serious accusation; you’d better tell me everything.” Bon-Bon, relieved that at last somepony was willing to listen to her, did just that.

After her story was over, Twilight put down her tea cup. “When Pinkie asked you to... um... Do the deed... Can you remember exactly how she said it?”

“Well, she sort of looked around, and then she said... I think it was ‘I want you to get rid of Derpy’, and she was using this weird voice for some reason.”

Twilight Sighed. “I see what’s going on here.” Twilight closed her eyes, with a flare of her horn a book floated down from a nearby shelf. It hovered in front of Bon-Bon long enough for her to read the title ‘Gum Shoe and the Al Capony Murders’ before flipping open. Twilight’s magical aura glowed particularly brightly on a certain passage. Bon-Bon read the highlighted portion:

“Anything else boss?” Tiny asked.

Al Capony sat facing away from his henchpony in his high backed leather chair. “No, Tiny, you can go.”

Tiny turned and reached for the knob of the door, which was painted as black as the soul of the stallion whose office it was the door to.

“Actually,” Al said; his voice acquired a sinister tone, “I've got’s one other job for ya.” His chair whipped around like a thing that turns really fast. He put his front hooves on the table. “I want you to... how should I put this...” – the infamous mobster’s eyes scanned the room as if he wasn’t sure they were alone – “get rid of Gum Shoe.”

“This is one of Pinkie’s favorite books.” Twilight explained.

Bon-Bon looked at the floor. “I feel really stupid now.”

Twilight nodded sympathetically. “Yeah.” There was a brief pause in which Twilight realized how that sounded. “I mean, no!” She backpedaled frantically. “Don’t worry about it. It’s an understandable mistake, and you did the right thing for what you thought the situation was.”

Bon-Bon only nodded.

“You should go on home and get some rest, not to be rude, but you look like you need it.”

Bon-Bon nodded again and stood up. “Thank you for the tea. And for listening.”

“I’m glad I could help, and I’ll talk to Pinkie about making sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Bon-Bon saw herself out. As soon as Twilight heard the door close behind her, she returned her attention to her book. “Now, where was I?”

++++++

Golden Harvest arrived at the Muffinry as promised to find it nearly deserted. Only a handful of ponies were seated at the various tables, and Ditzy had her head down on the counter. Golden approached, unsure of what to do. “Um... Derpy?”

Ditzy’s head shot up. “I wasn’t asleep!” She said too loudly. She shook her head to clear out the cobwebs and try to get her bearings. “Oh, Carrot Top! You’re here!”

“Slow day?”

Ditzy nodded and pointed outside. “Pinkie’s new flavor has everypony’s attention.”

Golden put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm, I think I know what to do about that. Bring me a poster board and some markers.”

A few minutes later, a new sign was placed in the Muffinry window:

‘Do you like cookies? Chocolate chip muffins are now 50% off!’

“That should get ponies’ attention.” Golden said proudly. “Now where’s Lyra?”

“She took an early lunch, she ought to be back any–”

“I’m back!” Lyra announced as she entered the shop. “Oh, hi, Carrot Top. Cool sign.”

“Thanks.”

“Derpy says you’re here to help me learn how to bake. Shall we get started?”

Golden nodded. “Yes, let’s start with a simple chocolate chip recipe; I have a feeling those are about to become very popular,” she said with a wink toward Ditzy. She then led Lyra back into the kitchen, and instructed her to stand in the center of the room.

“Okay, we are going to make some chocolate chip muffins. What is step one?” Golden asked.

Lyra was confused “Uh, I don’t know! Aren’t you supposed to tell me?”

“If I give you all the answers you won’t learn anything,” Golden said in a scolding tone. “Now, what is the first step?”

“I guess I should... gather the ingredients?” Lyra ventured.

“Not a bad guess, but how do you know which ingredients you need?”

“Um... By looking at the recipe?”

Golden clapped her hooves. “Good! So the first step is–?”

“Look up the Recipe!” Lyra finished triumphantly.

Golden Smiled Proudly. “See? You’re learning already.”

Lyra began digging around in the recipe box until she eventually found the one for chocolate chip muffins. she pulled it out and started reading it. “Question: it says here that I need both a whisk and an eggbeater... Aren’t those basically the same thing?”

Golden sighed. “We’ve got a long way to go...”

++++++

Octavia had an engagement in canterlot in three weeks, and she was nowhere near ready to perform the new piece. She winced as yet another note veered sharp, and found herself overcorrecting as the next few notes came out flat. She was just about ready to throw her bow across the room when the door slammed open and her roommate pranced inside. “Well, at least one of us is in a good mood,” she said crossly.

Vinyl frowned and tilted her head to the side as if to ask what was wrong.

Octavia sighed. “Oh, it’s this new piece, these key changes are impossible. It sounds divine when the Fillyharmonic plays it, but I can’t get it right.”

Vinyl smiled, placed a hoof to her ear, and bobbed her head.

“I appreciate that, but pardon me if I don’t take your word for it that it sounds okay, considering that awful synthetic noise you listen to.”

The white unicorn shrugged.

“Enough about me; what has you in such a chipper mood?”

Vinyl performed a complex series of hoof motions that would make absolutely no sense to anypony else.

“You got a job? Where?” Octavia asked.

Vinyl Produced a cupcake from behind her back. Octavia looked concerned at this.

“Sugarcube Corner? Vinyl... Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Octavia asked, her voice full of trepidation.

Vinyl, confused by her fearful tone, removed her sunglasses so that Octavia could clearly see her raise her eyebrow.

“It’s just this whole... thing with Pinkie and Derpy. I’m not sure it’s wise for you to put yourself in the middle of that,” the gray mare explained.

Vinyl smirked.

“Well of course I’m worried about you!”

Vinyl waved a dismissive hoof.

“I hope your right.” Octavia conceded. “It’s not like I’ll be able to change your mind.”

Vinyl nodded smugly.

“Just... promise you’ll be careful?”

Vinyl mimed a Pinkie Promise®.

Octavia sighed and went back to her bass practice. Sensing the conversation was over, Vinyl turned and disappeared into her room. Moments later Octavia was nearly bowled over by an almost-physical wall of high-volume electronic music.

“VINYL!”

++++++

Lyra was late coming home that night. Several grocery bags floated behind her in her magical aura. “I can’t believe she gave me homework!” She muttered to herself, glaring at the recipe she was supposed to bake by the next morning, half hoping that if she glared hard enough, it might burst into flames. “I can’t believe I need all this stuff to make one little batch of muffins!” She looked up to see Bon-Bon on the couch waiting for her. The sight made her even angrier and she immediately put her nose in the air and set about actively ignoring her roommate's presence.

“Lyra.” Bon-Bon addressed her. Lyra made a show of going to the kitchen to put away the groceries. “Lyra.” She called a little louder. Lyra continued to give her the silent treatment. “Oh for pony’s sake! Are you still not speaking to me?”

Lyra answered by not answering.

Bon-Bon sighed and followed her. “Fine, if you want to be childish then don’t talk, just listen. I’ve realized that perhaps I was a little bit hasty before; we have both made mistakes and I might have been less right than I thought I was... and I want you to know–”

“Stop.” Lyra cut her off sharply. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m trying to apologize!” Bon-Bon defended.

“Really? Because it sure sounds like you’re trying to spin it so that you don’t have to say you were wrong.”

“No I–”

“Enough!” Lyra cut her off again. “If you wanted to apologize you would have! But you don’t! You just want me to think you did! You always do this! You always treat me like i’m stupid!”

Bon-Bon started crying. “Lyra–”

“SHUT UP!” Lyra yelled. “I HATE YOU! I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU!” Lyra regretted the words as soon as they left her lips, but by then it was too late. “Bonnie... I...”

A heavy silence hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. When Bon-Bon finally spoke, her voice was so tiny Lyra could barely hear it. “How... how could you say that? How could...” She turned and ran, sobbing, out of the kitchen, and then out of the house, disappearing into the night.

Oh Celestia... What is wrong with me? Lyra cursed herself. She dropped her bags with a clatter; a jug of milk burst on the ground, but Lyra didn’t care. She ran out after Bon-Bon. “Bonnie! Wait! I didn’t mean it!” Lyra ran out into the street and kept running. Bon-Bon was nowhere to be seen. “Bonnie! Where are you?! BONNIE!”

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