Pinkie Pie and Ditzy 'Derpy Hooves' Doo fight it out in an 'epic' conflict to determine who's favorite tasty treat is superior.
It's been over a year since the 'Baked Bads' incident, and nopony trusts Sugarcube Corner's Muffins anymore. As a result, The Cakes have decided it's time to stop making muffins. However, When Pinkie Pie Insults the name of muffins in front of Ditzy 'Derpy Hooves' Doo, The wall-eyed pegasus sets up her own bakery. Now the race is on to see who's product is the most popular, with both of their livelihoods on the line!
Pinkie Pie glared at the muffins. Why had she even bothered making them? They were mocking her. They sat there under the glass counter laughing at her misfortune. Pinkie Pie growled.
“Stop It! Stop laughing at me! I made you and I can destroy you!”
“Oh yeah?” the largest muffin scoffed. “Prove it!”
“FINE!” With a shout of fury Pinkie scooped up the offending muffin and stuffed it into her mouth.
“NOOOO! I’m sorry! I take it back!” the muffin screamed as it was crushed between the Pink pony’s molars.
“Too 'ate fuh apologies, only deaf!" Pinkie Pie chewed the muffin up and swallowed, relishing the baked treat’s anguished screams as it traveled down to the burning hell of her stomach.
“Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie froze, her hoof halfway to her next victim. she turned her head slowly to see her boss giving her the ‘nono’ look. “How many times do I have to tell you not to eat the inventory when you’re on duty?”
Pinkie pie heard the tray of muffins breathe a collective sigh of relief. “But Mrs. Cake! It’s just the muffins! Nopony is going to buy them anyway!”
“Now Pinkie, we don’t know that for sure.”
“Yes we do! It’s been over a year since the 'baked bads' incident, and you know how many batches of muffins we’ve sold? Fifty-two! Fifty-two dozen muffins in a year! That’s one batch a week, all sold to the same pony!”
Mrs. Cake sighed. “I suppose you’re right. Nopony trusts our muffins anymore.” It was true: it had been that way ever since last applebuck season when Applejack had practically poisoned all of Ponyville. It didn't matter that it had only happened once. It also didn’t matter that the Cakes had Pinkie Promised® to never let it happen again, Once the citizens of Ponyville decided that something was bad, there was no going back. “There probably isn’t any point in continuing to sell muffins.”
++++++
Ditzy Doo looked lovingly at the muffins. Which one should she eat first? They were teasing her, laughing playfully at her conundrum.
“Pick me!” one muffin said.
“No, me!” said another.
“Those others are no good! It should be me!”
“Oh! I just can’t decide!” Ditzy giggled. “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,” she pointed to each muffin in turn. “Catch a Hydra by his toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, my mother told me to pick... you!”
“Yay!” the chosen muffin cheered. as the gray mare lifted it to her lips. It melted into her mouth’s embrace, giggling happily as it fulfilled its destiny as Ditzy’s lunch.
“Now,” Ditzy said. “Who’s next?”
“MEE!” the muffins all cried out at once.
++++++
The door to Sugarcube Corner opened with a jingle. Pinkie quickly broke off the staring contest she was having with her pet alligator to greet the customer. “Hi! What can I get for you today?”
The brown stallion looked shaken. “Two dozen rainbow frosted red velvet cupcakes please, and hurry!”
“Right away Doctor!” Pinkie saluted, “Do you need these to repel an invasion?”
“What? No! I just forgot that it was Colgate’s birthday today and I promised I’d bring cupcakes, and my name isn’t Doctor, It’s Sepia.”
“Whatever you say Doctor. That’ll be twenty bits.”
The brown stallion made his purchase and left, all the while grumbling about how nopony ever listened to him.
“Good luck saving the world!” Pinkie called after him, turning back to Gummy. “Staring contest round two! Go!”
The contest didn’t last long however, as the door jingled open again, admitting a grey pegasus.
“Hi Derpy! I guess you’ll be wanting some muffins?”
“Yep!” Ditzy nodded. “I just finished my last one.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you came by today, because as of tomorrow we are no longer selling muffins.”
The Wall-eyed mare froze. “Wh-what? Why?”
Pinkie shrugged. “You’re our only customer who buys them anymore, the store is losing money buying ingredients for a product that doesn’t sell.”
“Bu-bu-bu-but...”
“Besides, muffins aren’t as good as cupcakes anyway...”
Ditzy suddenly went red. “What. Did. You. Just. Say?”
Pinkie, totally oblivious to the mailmare’s rage, took the question at face value. “I said that cupcakes are better than muffins, It’s a scientifical fact! Cupcakes are full of sugary goodness and have icing on top! Muffins just have fruit. Not there’s anything wrong with that. I like fruit as much as the next mare. It’s just not as tasty.” Pinkie looked at Ditzy, who was literally smoking out the ears. “Um, Derpy...”
“DON’T CALL ME THAT! ONLY MY FRIENDS ARE ALLOWED TO CALL ME ‘DERPY!’” Ditzy screamed.
“But I thought we were-”
“NOT ANYMORE! I JUST UNFRIENDED YOU!”
“But-”
“JUST GIVE ME MY MUFFINS!”
“O-okay.” Pinkie quickly dumped the two dozen (minus one) remaining muffins into a box. “That’ll be ten bits.” Ditzy took the box and threw her money on the table before turning and storming out the door so fast it was nearly pulled off it’s hinges.
“Um, you forgot your change!” Pinkie called after her. “Also, what just happened?” she added to herself.
++++++
The gray mare charged out Sugarcube Corner at top speed, which, while not as fast as Rainbow Dash, was plenty fast enough to do some damage when she rammed straight into the for sale sign across the street.
“Ow,” The wall eyed pegasus said. She rubbed her head and tried to focus on what she had broken this time. “For sale,” she read. She sat there staring at the sign for a long moment, and then, slowly, an idea came to her and she smiled widely.
++++++
“Ya Can’t Be serious.”
“I am.”
Boxxy Brown looked down at the piece of paper that Ditzy Doo had just placed on his desk. “After all them times i've threatened to fIre ya, and ya begged me to give ya one more chance, all of a sudden ya wanna quit?”
“Yes.”
Boxxy picked up Ditzy’s letter of resignation and read through it. “Why?”
“Because I’ve decided to follow my dream.” Ditzy Replied.
“Well, I can’t rightly stand between a mare and her dream can I?” Boxxy put the letter back down on the table. “Alright, you are no longer an employee of Cloudsdale Mail and Freight. Goodbye, and good luck.”
Ditzy nodded. “Thank you for everything.”
As the door closed behind her, Boxxy let out a sigh. “G’bye miss Doo, the place won’t be the same without ya.” he muttered.
++++++
“-And then she said, ‘Not anymore! I just unfriended you!’ and stormed out with the muffins. and I said ‘You forgot your change!’ but she was already gone!”
At the conclusion of Pinkie’s story, Twilight looked a bit sick. “you insulted muffins in front of Ditzy? What were you thinking?”
“That’s gotta be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.” Rainbow Dash added from behind her copy of ‘Daring Do and the Seapony’s Tear’. “And you’ve done a lot of dumb things.”
“Rainbow!”
“Well, it’s true!”
Twilight shook her head in exasperation. “Getting back to the point, don’t you remember what happened to the last pony who insulted Ditzy’s muffins?”
“Oh yeah.” Pinkie’s... well... everything drooped. “Poor Berry Punch. She hasn’t been quite right since.”
“And now you are next on her hit list.” Dash noted. “Good job.”
Pinkie Pie went pale. “What should I do?”
“Hide,” Dash suggested.
“Apologize,” Said Twilight.
“What?” Dash looked at Twilight as if she had just suggested that Discord should raise the Sun. “You want her to just go up to an angry natural disaster on legs and say ‘Sorry’? Are you trying to get Pinkie killed?”
“Ditzy doesn’t mean to be mean. Her natural clumsiness just becomes strangely focused when she’s angry at someone,” Twilight explained. “If Pinkie apologizes, there will be no need for her to be angry, and things can’t get out of hoof.”
Dash and Pinkie both thought about that for a moment. “I guess that does make sense,” Dash finally relented. “It’s settled then!” Pinkie said, “Next time I see her I’ll say I’m sorry.”
++++++
The real estate office seemed deserted when Ditzy entered. She looked around curiously before going up to the front desk. She cleared her throat.
“Hello?” She called. “Is anypony there?”
“Be with you in a moment!” a chorus of small voices called from the other room. Ditzy tilted her head in confusion she had heard those voices before. It sounded Like... “Cutie Mark Crusaders Realtors! Go!” The three fillies chorused as they filed out into the main room.
Ditzy looked at the three, mouth agape. “Wha? Where’s Mr. Charm?”
“He let us run the office for the day!” Scootaloo said.
“So we can get our Cutie marks as Realtors!” Apple Bloom added.
“Do want to buy a house Ms. Derpy?” Sweetie Belle asked.
Ditzy seriously considered turning around and running for the door right then and there. Ditzy had had dealings with the three ‘crusaders’ before, when they tried to get their cutie marks as mailmares. It had not ended well. Despite all that however, Ditzy decided to stick it out. After all, how badly could these three mess up taking her money and giving her a key? Besides, she had already quit her job. There was no turning back now. Ditzy Smiled, “Yes, yes I do.”
++++++
The next time Pinkie saw Ditzy turned out to be the very next day. Pinkie had just come down from her apartment over the shop and gone to the window to flip the little sign from the ‘Closed’ side to the ‘Open’ side.
“The outside world is now closed,” Pinkie joked to herself, being easily amused by the fact that, since the ‘Closed’ sign now faced inwards, she couldn’t leave the shop because she had to be there to greet customers. That’s when she noticed Ditzy Doo doing the same thing across the street. Pinkie stared at the sign on the newly occupied building.
“Derpy’s Muffinry? Oh she did NOT!” Pinkie immediately ran for the door, then quickly rushed back to turn the sign around again before going out to confront the googly-eyed grey mare.
Ditzy looked up when the little bell above the door rang. “Hello, welcome to Derpy’s Muffinry, where- Oh, It’s just you.” Her smile immediately fell off as she saw the very unhappy looking Pinkie Pie in her doorway. “What do you want?”
Pinkie looked around the small shop, marveling at how quickly the place had been set up. Somepony must have worked all night. She shook her head quickly in an attempt to get her thoughts back on track. She put on her best friendly smile. “Oh, nothing much, I just noticed you had set up a little place here, and I decided to come over and say ‘Hi’!” She said. “Hi.”
“Hi.” Ditzy replied.
“I am curious though.” Pinkie added. “Why would you start up a bakery right across the street from one that’s already established?”
“Well, after you said what you did about muffins, I decided to put what you said to the test. You don’t sell muffins, so I won’t sell cupcakes, and we’ll see whose shop is more popular!”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. “So, It’s a game is it? Great! I love games!” she said. “I actually planned to apologize, but if I defeat you then I won’t have to!”
“Great,” Ditzy replied. “First shop that goes out of business loses.”
“Deal!” Pinkie said. Holding out her hoof. “I’m warning you though, I’m not going to lose to you!”
Ditzy bumped Pinkie’s offered hoof with her own. “Neither will I!”
Lyra and Bon-Bon were having a completely ordinary day so far. Well, as ordinary as a day can be for an Aspiring Voice Actress/Confectioner and a Musician/Conspiracy Theorist/Human Enthusiast. Unfortunately for them, their day was about to get much more bizarre.
“...and that’s why we need to be prepared for when the humans come,” Lyra finished.
“It’s also why you’re completely insane," Bon-Bon retorted. “I keep telling you, there’s no such thing as humans.”
“Prove it.”
“I don’t HAVE to prove it! You prove to me that humans DO exist!”
“You just have no sense of adventure.”
“No, YOU have no sense of reality!”
The two ponies continued to bicker as they trotted down the street. An outsider seeing the two constantly arguing like this would likely come to the logical conclusion that the two did not get along. They would be wrong. Lyra and Bon-Bon were about as close as two mares could be. Not only were they roommates, but they both thought of the other as the sister that fate had forgotten to give them, and the constant banter between them was their way of showing affection. Lyra was just about to make a stinging retort when she noticed the crowd that had gathered in front of Sugarcube Corner. “What do you suppose all that’s about?” she asked instead.
“I don’t know," Bon-Bon replied. “Lets check it out!”
Closer inspection proved that the crowd was not gathered around Sugarcube Corner after all, but rather, the until-recently vacant property on the other side of the road. The plain looking building now had a sign hanging over the door that read: ‘Derpy’s Muffinry, The bestest muffins in all of Equestria!’ Underneath this sign hung a banner: ‘Grand Opening! every tenth custumer gets their muffins freee!’
Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at it curiously. Finally, Bon-Bon spoke up. “That’s not grammatically correct.”
“Who cares about that?” Lyra replied. “We finally have a place that sells good muffins!”
“How do you know they’re good?” Bon-Bon asked. “You haven’t had one yet.”
“The sign says so.”
“You can’t believe everything you read.”
“Where’d you hear that?”
“I read it in a book once." Seeing Lyra’s look of triumph, Bon-Bon quickly backpedaled. “Uh, I mean... THAT’S NOT THE POINT!”
“I win," Lyra stated smugly as she trotted ahead into the crowd.
“You just keep telling yourself that," Bon-Bon replied. “Hey, where are you going?”
Lyra looked back at Bon-Bon. “To get some muffins, of course," she replied,
“And how do you plan to pay for them?”
“Why should I have to pay? I’m going to watch the line and not get in until I know that my turn is the free one. It’s called ‘math’.”
“That’s cheating!”
“So?”
“It's wrong!”
“You gonna give me some money?”
“No.”
“Then I'm going ahead with my plan," Lyra turned herself back around and waded into the crowd. Bon-Bon, after a moment of hesitation, followed.
++++++
How does Pinkie Pie do this? Ditzy Doo thought. There had been a nonstop wave of ponies coming into the shop all morning. She was really proud of her success, but taking all these orders one after the other was surprisingly exhausting, and on top of that, her supply was running low. At this rate, she was going to run out of inventory by lunchtime. That would not be good for business. Fortunately, her salvation was on the way, in the form of a mint green unicorn seeking a steady income.
“Hey Derpy!” Lyra said.
“Hi Lyra! How's the band?”
“Not that good. We haven't played anywhere decent in weeks! It's getting to the point where I may have to start looking for a real job." She shuddered at the thought.
“Well, I could use some help around here." Ditzy looked from side to side surreptitiously, (which was easy for her since she could check both directions at once) and then beckoned Lyra to lean in closer. “To tell you the truth, I'm a bit worried about running out of stock. If I can't get away from the counter, I can't make enough muffins for all these customers," she whispered.
“So you want to hire me?” Lyra asked.
“Well, maybe,” Ditzy began. “I’ll need you to turn in some sort of application, and then we’ll have to conduct an interview..."
“I need a job, and I love muffins.”
“You’re hired.”
“Wait, just like that?” Bon-Bon suddenly spoke up.
Once again, Lyra gave her that maddening ‘what are you, crazy?’ look. “Well, yeah. Derpy asked for an application, so I told her I needed a job. She said I’d need to do an interview, so I gave a qualification.”
Bon-Bon was silent for a moment. “Wow. That actually makes some bizarre kind of sense,” she finally said with a touch of fear in her voice. “I think your insanity is starting to rub off on me.”
++++++
Pinkie Pie ground her teeth in frustration. This wasn’t a good start to the game. The work day was almost half over and Pinkie had only gotten five customers. Derpy, on the other hoof, had customers literally lining up around the block. Pinkie took a deep breath to calm herself. Of course business would be slow on the first day, After all, the Muffinry was new, and it was only natural for ponies to want to try something new, especially when free food was a factor. Perhaps she should talk to the Cakes about offering some sort of promotional gimmick... Pinkie was interrupted from her thoughts by the all too welcome tinkling of the bell over the door.
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie called. “What can I do for you today?”
“Hi, Pinkie Pie. You can start by telling me what’s going on across the street," said the newcomer, who turned out to be Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, that. Ditzy and I decided to play a game to find out if cupcakes are better than muffins! (They are.) She bought that house across the street and turned it into her own bakery! Now all I have to do is run her out of business and I win!”
Dash looked around at the deserted sweet shop. A random tumbleweed blew past, despite the fact that they were indoors and nowhere near the desert. “So far you don’t seem to be off to a very good start,” she pointed out.
Pinkie waved a hoof dismissively. “Oh, that’s just because everypony wants to try the new place. By tomorrow they’ll all be back in here again. You’ll see.”
Dash shrugged. “Whatever you say, Pinkie.”
“Hey Dashie, can I ask you a favor?”
“What is it?”
Pinkie held a box of cupcakes in front of Dash’s face. “Buy these cupcakes, and then go outside and give them away.”
“Um... Why?”
“Duh. Derpy’s getting a lot of business by giving away free muffins, so I’ll give away some free cupcakes to counteract it! It’s the perfect plan!”
“Well, I guess...”
“Yay! Thanks Dashie! I knew I could count on you!”
++++++
That night Ditzy Doo went home more exhausted than she ever had in her life.
“Welcome home, Mommy!” a small voice called as she entered. A moment later, an equally small unicorn ran up to her and gave her a big hug. “How was work today, Mommy? You look tired!”
“It was a lot tougher than I expected,” Ditzy admitted. “How about you, little muffin? How was your day?”
“Great!” Dinky replied. “Miss Harvest came over this afternoon!”
“Really? What did she need?”
“I dunno, maybe you should go ask her. She’s still here.”
“Oh, okay. Where is she?”
“She’s in the living room,” Dinky replied, pointing a hoof behind her. Ditzy followed the little hoof with one of her eyes. Sure enough, she could see the top of Golden Harvest’s fiery mane over the back of the sofa. Upon hearing herself being talked about, she turned and gave Ditzy a wave. “Hey Derpy!”
Ditzy trotted over to the sofa and sat down next to her oldest friend. “Hey Carrot Top!” She replied. Much like everypony called Ditzy Doo ‘Derpy’ because of her eyes, Golden Harvest had picked up the name ‘Carrot Top’ due to her bright, orange mane. She was also a carrot farmer, so that may have had something to do with it.
“I heard you’ve decided to go into business for yourself,” Golden said. “How is it?”
“Exhausting,” Ditzy replied.
“I’ll bet. You look like a plushie that’s been dragged behind a cart for twenty miles.”
“Gee. Thanks.” Ditzy rolled her eyes. It was quite a sight.
“Oh, you know what I mean.” Golden waved a hoof. “Anyway, I came because I’m a little worried.”
“I’m fine. I can handle it,” Ditzy said defensively.
“It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s Dinky,” Both mares looked over at the little unicorn.
“Muffin, go play in your room for a while, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy!” Dinky immediately trotted down the hall to her room. As soon as she was gone, Ditzy turned back to Golden.
“What about her?”
Golden Harvest sighed. “Here’s the thing, Derpy, little Dinky depends on you. She needs somepony solid around who can take care of her, especially after...” She didn’t have to finish the thought. Ditzy knew that she was referring to what happened to Dinky’s father. Golden cleared her throat. “Anyway. The issue here is that with this whole bakery thing, you run the risk of sacrificing that stability. After all, if this doesn’t work out, you’ll be out of the job. How will you take care of Dinky then?”
Ditzy went pale. She hadn’t thought of that. How could she forget something so important? If she lost this game with Pinkie, it wouldn’t just be her who would suffer, but her daughter as well. Suddenly, her brilliant plan seemed utterly foolish.
Golden Harvest, seeing Ditzy’s distress, wrapped a foreleg around her shoulder. “Hey, Derpy. You know I’m here for you, and I just want you to know that whatever happens, I’m here for both of you, Okay?”
Ditzy nodded dumbly. “Thank you, Carrot Top. You’re a good friend,” Ditzy said finally. “I hope that it won’t have to come to that, but if it does, I can’t think of anypony I’d rather have taking care of my little muffin.” Then, she fell asleep in her best friend’s embrace.
Golden Harvest squeezed Ditzy tightly. “I’ll do my best.”
On the plus side, Pinkie Pie had customers the next day. Sure, there weren’t quite as many as normal, but it was a far cry better than yesterday. On the down side however, Pinkie Pie was still in a bad mood. Her melancholy had partly to do with the fact that she was now standing in front of The Muffinry, and partly to do with what the Cakes had said to her when she came in to work that morning.
“Good morning, Pinkie,” Mr. Cake had said. Standing next to him was his wife, and they were both looking quite cross.
“Oh. Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie had said cheerfully, before noticing their dour expressions. “Umm, What’s going on? You guys are usually all smiles in the morning! Why are you looking so grumpy?”
“We heard about what happened between you and Ditzy Doo yesterday.” Mrs. Cake answered.
“Oh.”
“I for one was especially intrigued by the part where you bet our bakery in your little... game,” Mr. Cake added.
“Oh.”
“I understand that this is important to you.” Mrs. Cake said. “But we can’t allow you to endanger both of our careers over something so small.”
“Oh.”
Mr. Cake had looked at her even harder then. “Don’t just sit there and say ‘Oh,’ Pinkie.”
“Oh. Umm, I mean... Am I fired?” Pinkie finally asked.
Both of the Cakes’ faced had softened a bit at that. “No, Pinkie. You’re not fired,” Mrs. Cake answered. “But we want you to go and apologize to Ditzy. Tell her that the contest is off. We just aren’t comfortable risking our livelihoods on this game of yours.”
“After all,” Mr. Cake added. “We have foals to take care of.”
“Apologize!?!” Pinkie blurted. “Why do I have to be the one to apologize? Ditzy’s the one who went crazy on me! Ditzy’s the one who went and bought her own bakery! Ditzy’s the one who’s trying to put us out of business! Ditzy’s the one who should apologize!”
The Cakes gave Pinkie a moment to calm down before responding. “Pinkie,” Mr. Cake began. “I know this is difficult. We realize that you aren’t the only one at fault here. But you have to understand that Ditzy has some... unique... challenges. That means that the responsibility to be the bigger pony rests on you.”
This was why Pinkie now found herself at Derpy’s Muffinry on her lunch break, instead of, say, eating her lunch. She took a deep, calming breath, and then stepped through the door into her rival’s bakery.
“Hello, and welcome to Derpy’s Muffinry!” The minty unicorn at the counter began. “What can I do for... Oh, hi, Pinkie Pie. Wait, Pinkie Pie!?” Lyra quickly took a defensive stance. “What are you doing here? This is the sovereign territory of the muffin queen! Ye heathens of cupcakery are not welcome here!” At this point, any normal pony would have been rendered speechless, unable to do much more than give Lyra a ‘What in Equestria are you talking about’ look. Pinkie, however, was relieved at the idea that she might be able to have some fun and countered without missing a beat.
“Greetifications to the Muffindom! I have come under a white flag to talkify with thy queenie aboutist the politicsful standings between our kingdom thingies in hopes that we may be at peace.” Pinkie not-so-eloquently said.
“I say thee neigh, trickster!” Lyra replied. “We will not be fooled by your attempts to speak with a silver tongue! Indeed, thy tongue's nature is as aluminum, not silver! The muffin Queen gave strict orders not to allow passage to anypony who fights under the cupcake banner! Also, many of the words thou speakest with are not even real words.”
“Hey, I’m making this up as I go along! Besides, this gag is gonna get old fast anyway. I need to talk to Derpy!” Pinkie slipped back into normal speech.
“No. She doesn’t want to see you!” Lyra crossed her forelegs across her chest.
“Of course she doesn’t! I don’t want to see her either, but I need to! You have to let me in!” Pinkie implored.
“Not gonna happen.”
“Pleeease?”
“No.”
“Pretty please?”
“No!”
“Pretty please a la mode, with vanilla icing, rainbow sprinkles, and a cherry on top?”
“No! For Luna’s sake! Why do you need to see her so badly?”
Pinkie took a deep breath. “Because the Cakes told me that I’m not allowed to bet Sugarcube Corner on the game, so I have to see Ditzy so I can call the game off and come to some sort of arrangement, even though I don’t really want to and I’d rather see where this goes, it’s out of my hooves so I really really need to talk to her!”
“That’s not going to happen.” Pinkie and Lyra both turned to see Ditzy glaring at both of them. “It's too late for second thoughts now, I have my little muffin to think about. If I don’t beat you Carrot Top is going to have to take her away.”
“We... we can work this out! Can’t you get your old job back?” Pinkie tried.
“No. I quit without giving them any notice. I can’t reapply there,” Ditzy replied.
“Maybe...”
“No. I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to use trickery to make me give in. Well, it won’t work,” Ditzy said, struggling to get both of her eyes focused on the pony in front of her.
“That’s not it at all, Derpy!” Pinkie protested.
Ditzy’s nostrils flared “Of course you’re saying that. And I told you before; Only my friends are allowed to call me ‘Derpy!’” Pinkie Pie, for her part, was staring at Ditzy in disbelief. In the back of her mind, she noted the grim irony: usually it was other ponies giving her this look.
“So,” Pinkie finally formulated her reply. “That’s how you’re going to be. Fine! No, better than fine. Good! Great! I was hoping you’d refuse to listen to reason! Now I’ll have no regrets about stomping you into the ground!” She turned around sharply and trotted out the door. pausing only briefly to kick over a rotating pie display before she left. It landed on its side with a satisfying crash.
Ditzy turned to Lyra. “Would you mind going and picking that up?”
Lyra nodded and went to go do so. She looked down at it. “Looks like the pies are done for.” She reported.
“We can make more,” Ditzy replied. “There’s only one Pie I’m worried about. We had best be on our guard. The next time she shows her pretty little pink face in here we will show her no quarter!”
“What if she wants to buy something for 75 cents and pays with a bit?”
“I’m going to assume that was a joke.”
++++++
“-And she completely refused to even listen!” Pinkie finished. Upon hearing this, Mr. and Mrs. Cake exchanged a glance.
“Well then,” Mr. cake said. “I suppose it’s up to us.”
“I’m afraid so,” Mrs. Cake replied. the two turned back to Pinkie. “Alright dearie, we’ll go talk to her. You watch the shop, alright?”
“Okie dokie, Mr. and Mrs. Cake,” Pinkie replied, snapping a salute.
The Cakes exited the shop and Pinkie took her place at the counter. She watched them as they crossed the road and went into the muffin shop. They re-emerged a few minutes later looking very angry. Mrs. Cake had muffin batter in her hair. They came inside and Pinkie flashed them an innocent grin. “So, how’d it go?”
“Pinkie,” Mr. Cake said angrily. “Take. Her. Down.”
++++++
Bon-Bon was furious when Lyra came home that night covered in muffin batter. “Lyra! What did you do?” she demanded to know. “And why are you tracking muffin mix all over my clean floors?”
“Um... well, Derpy and I had a little disagreement with the Cakes...”
“To look at you, I’d say it was a bit more than a ‘little’ disagreement,” Bon-Bon noted dryly.
“Okay, It may have been closer to an altercation.”
Bon-Bon sighed. “Just... go wash up. And then I want to know exactly what happened.”
“Yes, Mom.” Lyra grumbled slinking into the bathroom.
“You can complain when you start paying your share of the rent!” Bon-Bon called after her.
“Hey, I got a job now. Can you please get off my back? You’ll have your rent money when Derpy pays me,” The bathroom door replied.
Bon-Bon was about to reply to this, but she was interrupted by the sound of rushing water. She shook her head. “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with her. It can’t be good for my blood pressure.” She smiled grimly, and then, in a different voice, said, “Talking to yourself now Bonnie? You’re becoming just as crazy as Lyra. Soon you’ll be spouting nonsense about humans too.”
“Shut up, me,” she replied to herself.
A few minutes later a very wet Lyra stalked into the living room. She located a chair and made for it. “What are you doing!?!” Bon-Bon cried.
Lyra looked up at her curiously, her posterior hovering just above the seat of the chair. “Umm... sitting?”
“Not on one of my chairs while you’re still sopping wet! Lay down a towel first!”
“You’re not the boss of me!”
“I am if you want to keep living here.”
Lyra straightened up and made an effort to appear stung. “What? How could you turn me away? Where could I go?” Bon-Bon shrugged. “Hay if I know. Maybe you can run off to the forest and be raised by wild humans.”
“Humans don’t live in forests, silly!”
“Just go get a towel and stop dripping all over the floor.”
“Whatever.” Lyra trotted into her room and returned with a towel, which she draped across the chair before sitting down in her usual odd manner.
“Okay,” Bon-Bon said, satisfied for the moment. “Now what happened with the cakes today?”
“Alright,” Lyra Said. “First of all, Pinkie Pie came in around lunchtime and tried to trick us into giving up with her silver gypsy tongue.”
“Somehow, I doubt that’s actually what happened...” Bon-Bon muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Please continue.”
“Okay. We saw through her deception right away, and told her to leave, but then a few minutes later the Cakes came in and tried.”
“Okay...”
“But of course we weren’t having any of that. I mean really, Pinkie just tried the same routine! So Derpy took her mixing bowl and threw it at Mrs. Cake, but she missed and hit me instead.”
“What did you do then?”
“Well, what do you think? We had a food fight!”
Bon-Bon looked astonished. “The Cakes too?”
“Um... I’m not sure, It’s all a bit of a blur, All I know is that when the flour settled they were both already gone.”
“Of course they were,” Bon-Bon muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
++++++
Pinkie Pie sat in her darkened room, looking out the window at the bakery across the street. “It can’t really be helped can it?” she said to the empty room. “I have to end this as quickly as possible, and it doesn't look like things are going to work out on their own.” She turned away from the window and examined the small circular space. She trotted over to her bed. Getting down onto her belly, she reached into the dark space and pulled out a wooden box. “If things don’t start turning around soon...” She popped the latch on the box and flipped the lid open to reveal what appeared to be a miniaturized party cannon. “I may have to cheat a little.” She caressed the hoof held cannon. “I can hardly wait to give this baby a test run.” She lifted it out of the box and aimed it at a dart board that was tacked to her wall. She flicked it upward slightly in a way that simulated firing, and made an explosion sound effect with her mouth. “I’ll give it three days,” Pinkie concluded. And then, smiling to herself, she ominously added, “Dun, dun, duuuuun.”
Pinkie Pie was glad to see that business was almost back to normal. Presumably, having to close at lunchtime yesterday had not proven to be the most profitable thing for the Muffinry to do. On the other hoof, she was slightly sad that she may have lost an excuse to break out the mini-cannon. Then again, why should she need an excuse?
“Um, Pinkie Pie?” The party pony was snapped out of her reverie by the voice, which, when Pinkie turned to look, had clearly originated from Bon-Bon. Wait... Bon-Bon!?
“What do you want?” Pinkie glared at the cream-coated confectionist.
“Hey now, Is that any way to treat a customer?” Bon-Bon replied.
“Your crazy roommate threw a cookie sheet at my bosses’ heads!” Pinkie pointed an accusing hoof at the candy maker, as if that was her fault.
“No.” Bon-Bon Took a deep breath. “Good grief, you’re just as crazy as Lyra!”
“Thank you!” The party pony beamed.
“That wasn’t a compliment,” Bon-Bon muttered.
“Really? What was it, then?”
Bon-Bon raised an exasperated hoof to her forehead. “Nothing. Anyway, I came here to apologize for Lyra’s behavior.”
“Why? It wasn’t your fault,” Pinkie said. Bon-Bon was tempted to to point out that less than fifteen seconds ago Pinkie had implied that it was her fault, but she decided against it.
“I dunno, It just seemed like the thing to do.” Bon-Bon shrugged. “I wanted to ask if there was any way I could make it up to you.”
“Hmm... Nope, can’t think of anything. You wanna buy some cupcakes?”
“Nah, I had a big breakfast; maybe next time. Besides, if I walk out of here with a cupcake Lyra will never let me hear the end of it.”
“Oh, well. Thanks for stopping by anyway,” Pinkie said, turning her back to Bon-Bon. Then she stopped as an idea how to make the game more interesting popped into her head. It might be a bit of a hard sell to get Bon-Bon on board, but if she tried lightening the mood first she might go for it. “Actually...”
Bon-Bon, who had been about to go out the door, turned to look at Pinkie. “Actually, what?”
“Now that I think about it, there is one thing you might be able to do for me,” Pinkie said slowly. Joke... Joke... Come on Pinkie be funny!
Bon-Bon waited for Pinkie to elaborate, but when she failed to do so, the cream coated pony decided to speak up. “And... that would be?”
Pinkie affected a mobster-like accent, “I want you to... how should I put this…” She feigned a nervous glance around the room. “Get rid of Derpy.”
Bon-Bon’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “Wha...”
Pinkie started laughing. “Oh, the look on your face! Priceless!”
“That is not funny.”
“Oh come on, it was just a joke.”
“You can’t joke about that sort of thing! I would think you of all ponies would know that!”
Pinkie stopped laughing and thought for a moment. “Wow... Yeah, that was pretty bad, wasn’t it? Let’s just pretend that never happened.” Great job Pinkie, she derided herself sarcastically. That joke is gonna make you all sorts of friends. This is just like the ‘veggie salad’ incident.
“I’m not sure that’s going to be possible...”
“Seriously though, I was wondering... Could you maybe go spy on—”
“No,” Bon-Bon said firmly.
“I wasn’t even finished!” Pinkie protested.
“I don’t need you to finish. You want me to spy on Ditzy. The answer is no.”
“Why not?”
“Because A: Industrial Espionage is a crime, B: I don’t want to get involved in your squabble, and C: you are clearly psychotic and I want nothing to do with you.”
“I don’t want to steal her recipes! I just want to know how well she’s doing so I can know how worried I need to be!”
“I still don’t want to get involved.”
“You offered to help me!”
“Not with that.”
“Well, what else would I need help with?”
The cream coated mare sighed. “I dunno. Never mind; it was a bad idea to come here in the first place.” Bon-Bon turned and trotted towards the exit. Just before she stepped outside she turned back to Pinkie. “I take back what I said before, you’re not just as crazy as Lyra, you’re even crazier than her.”
“Thanks!”
“Still not a compliment,” she muttered after the door closed behind her.
++++++
“Umm, Ditzy? Are the lemon poppy seed muffins supposed to be black?”
Ditzy Doo looked back at her assistant. “Umm... no. Why do you ask?”
Lyra looked at the floor and put a hoof to her neck. “Oh, umm, no reason...”
“Lyra, did you burn my muffins?”
“No! Maybe... sort of... yes.”
The gray pegasus put a hoof to her forehead. “Lyra, how many times do I have to tell you? Thirty minutes in the oven!”
“I know, I know! But I was so busy with the oatmeal raisins that I forgot! Those aren’t supposed to be black either, are they?
“No.”
“Oh, good, I was afraid they weren’t done enough.”
Ditzy made an effort to get both of her eyes pointed at Lyra. “Lyra, Have you ever baked anything before?”
“Well, I know how to make Hay Pockets in the microwave,” the mint unicorn offered.
Ditzy scowled, her left eye beginning to wander upwards. “If the answer is ‘no,’ just say ‘no.”
“Okay, fine. No, I have never baked before.”
“Aggh!” Ditzy screamed in frustration.
“Well, you told me to just say it...”
“Do you think, that if I allowed you to work the counter again, that you could avoid getting into another food fight?”
“I’m not sure I can guarantee...”
Ditzy glared at Lyra. “Well, if not, then I’m not sure I can guarantee that you’ll have a job tomorrow...”
“I mean yes! Of course!” Lyra nodded furiously. “I can definitely handle that!”
“Let’s hope so,” Ditzy said, stepping away from the counter to allow Lyra to take her place as she headed back into the kitchen. After a moment, she called out, “Lyra, where are the oatmeal raisins?”
“Well, like I said, I thought they might not be done enough, so I put them back in,” Lyra called back.
“You did WHAT!?”
++++++
Mr. and Mrs. Cake were hard at work in the kitchen as usual. Carrot had just pulled the latest batch of cookies out of the oven, and Cup was putting the final touches on a birthday cake for Sea Swirl, when Pinkie walked in.
“Hello Pinkie,” Mrs. Cake said. “Ready for your lunch break?”
“No time,” Pinkie replied in an uncharacteristically serious voice. “I gotta get back out front.” The two bakers shot a worried glance at each other as Pinkie opened the little pink mini-fridge that served as the employee refrigerator. “I hope it’s okay if I eat at the counter.”
The next few seconds played host to a silent argument between Mr. and Mrs. Cake over who should say what needed to be said.
‘You talk to her’ Mrs. Cake gestured.
‘Why me?’ Mr. Cake shrugged.
‘She respects you the most.’ Mrs. Cake waved.
‘You’re a woman. She’ll listen to you.’ Mr. Cake mimed.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Mrs. Cake gesticulated.
‘Nothing bad! I just think she’d rather talk you you.’ Mr. Cake danced.
Predictably, it was Mr. Cake lost the argument. “Umm, Pinkie Pie...” Mr. Cake began, “Mrs. Cake and I are starting to get a little worried about you. You haven’t been yourself ever since this whole thing started...”
“What are you saying?” Pinkie asked, a little more forcefully than she really meant to. “Are you saying we should quit?”
“Uh, no.” The yellow stallion took an instinctive step backwards. “I just think that it isn’t good for you to be working so hard.”
“But I have to!” Pinkie protested. “We have competition now! I have to work twice as hard to keep up!”
“But you aren’t you anymore! We haven't seen you laugh in days!”
Pinkie sighed. “Maybe you’re right, Mr. Cake. I feel like I’m back on the rock farm, but even then I had my sisters... Hey... that’s it!”
Mr. Cake looked confused. “What’s it?”
“Sisters! We should hire on some more ponies to help out!”
Mr. Cake looked to his wife for support. “I... I don’t know about that... I’m not sure we can afford to pay another pony.”
“Well, it is a thought,” Mrs. Cake jumped in. “But in order to make up the difference we’d have to cut your pay.”
Mr. Cake smiled at his wife. Of course! There was no way that any pony in their right mind would accept that!
“I accept that,” Pinkie replied with no hesitation. Mr. Cake nearly fell over.
++++++
“Where do you think you’re going?” Ditzy called.
Lyra stopped halfway out of the door. “Uh... lunch?” she replied.
“Oh, is it that time already?” Ditzy looked up at the clock. “Oh, sorry. Enjoy your lunch!”
Lyra nodded and walked outside. She saw Pinkie across the way and made a face at her. Pinkie made a face back. The face making contest continued for several minutes, but eventually Lyra remembered that she only had 30 minutes for lunch. If this went on much longer, she was going to be late meeting up with Bon-Bon, so she decided to let pinkie have this one.
Bon-Bon was waiting for Lyra at the outdoor cafe with a daffodil and daisy sandwich already half-eaten. “Hey! What kept you?”
“I see you started without me,” Lyra chided.
“You were late. What kept you?”
“So you just ordered without me? Rude!”
“For the third time, What kept you?” Bon-Bon repeated.
Lyra sighed, “If you must know, I got into a face making competition with Pinkie Pie.” Lyra admitted. Bon-Bon stared at her for a moment. She looked like she was about to explode, but when she did, it was with laughter.
“That is so you,” Bon-Bon said after her giggles had subsided.
Lyra sighed and raised her hoof to call the waiter over. “I’ll have you know that the Muffinry’s rivalry with Sugar Cube Corner is serious business.”
“Lyra... this rivalry is a personal thing between Ditzy and Pinkie, I don’t think you should be getting so invested in it.”
“Oh, come on, Bonnie, it’s just a healthy competition. It’s not like anypony is going to get hurt.”
“You know what! I’ll prove it! Come work with me!” Lyras suggested excitedly
“I already have a job,” was Bon-Bon’s flat reply.
“You work from home.”
“It’s still a job.”
“You make your own hours! You can easily fit a part time job at the Muffinry into your schedule.”
“You’re right. I could,” Bon-Bon conceded. “But I don’t want to. In fact, I don’t want you working there either!”
Lyra was silent for a long moment. She stared into Bon-Bon’s eyes with a not often seen intensity. “Dude. What the feather?” Her voice was flat and hard, and the usual edge of playfulness was nowhere to be heard. “Every day it’s ‘Get a job, Lyra,’ ‘When are you gonna do something with your life Lyra?’ ‘Have you gotten a job yet, Lyra?’ ‘Stop watching those human cartoons and go look for a job, Lyra.’ And now I finally get a job, and you want me to quit? Make up your mind!”
“Lyra... I’m worried about you! Pinkie is insane! and I don’t mean the usual ‘Oh, she’s a little eccentric’ insane; I mean full-on ‘One step away from making a mask out of your face’ insane!”
“Bon-Bon, quit being paranoid, This is Pinkie we’re talking about, not the Mane-iac!”
“You’re not listening to me! Why don’t you ever listen to me?”
“Because you never have anything to say worth listening to!”
“Fine! if you don’t want to listen, I won’t talk to you! When this whole thing goes sideways, don’t come crying to me!”
“I won’t!”
“I’m not speaking to you.”
“No, I’m not speaking to you!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!” Lyra stood up. She started to walk away but ran right into a very nervous looking waiter.
“Umm... Your order ma’am?” The waiter asked timidly.
“I’ll have a wildflower salad,” Lyra said pointedly. “To go.”
++++++
Ditzy knocked on the door of the little orange house. The lights were off, but she could hear shuffling inside. She knocked again and the lights came on. Moments later, Golden Harvest answered the door, her frizzy curls even more frizzy than usual. “Derpy? What are you doing here? Do you have any Idea what time it is?”
“Umm... night time?” Ditzy guessed.
“It’s nearly eleven! I was in bed! Do you realize how early I have to get up to tend to my garden?”
“Really early?”
Golden Harvest sighed. “I can’t stay mad at you. Come on in.” Ditzy didn’t know why her friend would be mad, but she supposed as long as she wasn’t mad it didn’t matter what would make her feel that way. She stepped over the threshold and Golden closed the door behind her. “So what reason could you have to come wake me up in the middle of the night?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“And misery loves company?”
“I was thinking about the Muffinry.”
Golden nodded and led Ditzy into the living room. “Lyra not working out?”
“How’d you know that?”
Golden Rolled her eyes. “She’s Lyra.”
“Good point.” Ditzy conceded, settling down on the couch.
“So, what’s the problem?” The yellow pony asked, sitting down on a chair opposite her. the whole scene resembled a therapy session.
“She can’t bake.”
Golden looked confused. “You didn’t ask her about that before you hired her?”
“She said she loves muffins” Ditzy defended.
“That doesn’t mean she can bake them.”
“Well, yeah... I know that now...” Ditzy replied with an edge of annoyance.
“So why don’t you just fire her?”
“I can’t! I need her help!” Ditzy exclaimed, springing her hooves. “I can’t run the whole shop by myself! Pinkie has the Cakes, and even they put a ‘help wanted’ sign out this afternoon! Meanwhile, here I am, barely scraping by with just two ponies!” she was pacing frantically now.
“Why don’t you put out a ‘help wanted’ sign of your own?”
Ditzy stopped and stared at her for a moment. Then she smacked her face into her hoof. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Golden chuckled. “You're under a lot of stress. I’ll tell you what: after I get my chores done tomorrow, I’ll come by and see about giving Lyra some on-the-job training.”
“You’d do that?”
“It won’t be easy, but neither would taking care of your daughter, and I’d rather you not have to go through that.”
Ditzy pounced on Golden Harvest giving her a tight hug. “Thank you so much! You’re the best friend a pony could have!”
"Yeah... I’m a saint.” Golden gasped. “Now please get off of me; I can’t breathe.” Oh brother, she thought. What have I gotten myself into now? “Hold on.” Golden suddenly said as Ditzy loosened her grip. “If you’re here, then who’s watching Dinky?” Ditzy went stark white. “Oh, ponyfeathers!” In a flash, she was gone.
“She asked me to murder somepony!” Bon-Bon Insisted.
Doctor Ink Blot looked thoughtfully at her from across his desk. “That certainly doesn’t sound like Pinkie Pie. Are you certain you heard her correctly?”
“Well, she claimed it was a joke after she said it, but I’m not sure I believe it.”
“Well, I am sure,” the doctor said, he stood up from his chair and walked over to his filing cabinet. “I get complaints about Pinkie Pie all the time” – he pulled out a manilla envelope marked ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie’ and began flipping through it – “and every time I bring her in for yet another psyche evaluation the results are the same; a volatile mix of interesting disorders, to be sure, but it is my professional opinion that as as over-the-top as she may be, she’s completely harmless.”
“You weren’t there doc! She’s clearly unhinged!”
“Did you not hear what I just said? Of course she’s unhinged, but not in a way that makes her a danger to herself or others.”
“But she–”
“Told a very bad joke. I’ll set up another appointment for her just to be safe, but I assure you that there is nothing to worry about.” He took a moment to examine her. “Perhaps we should talk about your chronic anxiety.”
“What chronic anxiety? This isn’t about me!”
“I think it is. If you could look at this and tell me what you see...” The doctor said, producing a piece of glossy paper printed with a roughly symmetrical series of black splotches that resembled two ponies fighting.
“Forget it!” Bon-Bon shouted, leaping to her hooves. I’m not the one who needs help! If you won’t listen, then I’ll have to deal with this myself!” She stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her.
++++++
‘Come try our NEW Snickerdoodle Cupcakes! Your favorite cookie is now a cupcake!’
Pinkie’s latest flavor invention was proving to be a massive success. So popular was this newest treat that the Cakes were having trouble keeping up with the influx of orders for a recipe they had only been given this morning. Buoyed by her success, Pinkie was acting more like her old self again when a white unicorn in sunglasses entered the shop.
“Hey there Scratchy! What can I do for you? You here to try the new flavor? It’s yummylicious!”
Vinyl Scratch shook her head and pointed at the ‘help wanted’ sign hanging in the window.
“Oh you’re here about the job?”
Vinyl nodded.
“One second!” Pinkie Pie vanished in a puff of pink smoke, reappearing one second later with a very disoriented looking Mr. Cake in tow. “Mr. Cake! Scratchy’s here about the job!”
After taking a moment to process that he was no longer in the kitchen, Mr. Cake took a look at their new applicant. “Alright then... I’ll get you an application.”
Vinyl nodded. Mr. Cake ducked down under the counter and came up with a piece of paper and a quill, which he passed across to Vinyl. Vinyl took the page and sat down at a table to fill it out. When Mr. Cake returned to the kitchen Mrs. Cake was waiting there with a question in her eyes.
“Somepony asking for an application,” he explained.
++++++
The mayor had a choice to make. One that could make or break her career come next election, as all choices seemed to be these days. In front of her on the desk were two buttons; ‘Vote Muffins!’ and ‘Cupcakes 4ever!’ The Mayor scowled at them. An aide stood behind her with a stack of papers.
“Madame Mayor, preliminary poll results indicate that the approval rate of muffins is rising, while cupcakes seem to be holding their ground, although we can’t be sure until we run a proper survey,” the aide informed her.
“How long will a survey take?”
The aide bit her lip. “Too long, the ponies are clamoring to see you take action on the issue, currently cupcakes are still the more popular, but if the trend continues muffins will have surpassed them before the week is out, and whichever side you take will surely be bolstered by your support.”
The mayor scowled. “Making me very unpopular with the other party. If a significant enough portion of the populace wants to force me out I may have some tough competition in the upcoming election...” She winced at the thought.
The aide shuffled her feet awkwardly. “Madame Mayor... why don’t you just... pick the one you like most?” She asked hesitantly.
The mayor looked at her like she was crazy. “I’m a public figure! I can’t have opinions, only answers! Opinionated officials lose elections.”
“There is a fairly sizable neutrality movement...”
The mayor threw her forehooves into the air. “I can’t be neutral either! that will give the impression that I can’t make a decision!” She flopped down onto her desk. “Why are politics so hard?”
Suddenly from outside the room a scuffle could be heard. the mayor and her aide both stopped and stared at the door.
“I told you! The mayor is busy right now! you’ll have to make an appointment!” the secretary's muffled voice came through the door.
“And I told you that by then it will be too late!” an irate voice replied.
“NO! You can’t go in there! SECURITY!”
The door bust open, and a very frazzled Bon-Bon tumbled into the room. “Madame Mayor! I have to speak with you!”
The secretary came in right behind her. “Madame Mayor, I am so sorry. Security will be here to escort her out momentarily.”
“Pinkie Pie has gone insane! she’s going to do something drastic soon and we have to stop her!” Bon-Bon shouted.
The mayor stared at her. “I’m afraid you must be mistaken. Miss Pie wouldn’t step on an ant.”
“She ordered me to assassinate somepony! and when I refused she tried to play it off as a joke!” Bon-Bon insisted.
“That’s ridiculous.” The mayor waved her away. “I’m absolutely certain there is nothing to worry about.”
“But Madame Mayor–” Bon-Bon started to protest, but by then the security ponies had arrived and were hauling her out of the room. “Why will nopony listen to me?!”
The mayor sighed as the door to her office closed behind the screaming pony. “Well, there’s one pony who won’t be voting for me.” She looked back down at the two buttons; finally, she picked up the muffin button. “This one matches my coat better.”
++++++
Vinyl Placed her application on the counter with a flourish. Pinkie grinned and accepted it. “Okie Dokie Lokie! We’ll give it a look over and call you in for an interview later today!”
Vinyl nodded and went right back to the same table as before, making a point of sitting back down as if to say ‘I’ll wait.’
++++++
We never saw him coming, but without warning Pinkbeard was upon us. I never found out why he attacked us; we had no cargo worth taking, and Pirates aren’t supposed to attack one another. I can only assume it was a personal matter between himself and my parents. But whatever the reason, there he was.
Twilight attempted to take a sip of tea without looking away from the page in front of her, and came dangerously close to spilling it all over her brand new copy of ‘The Life and Crimes of Dread Pirate Briny Blue’
The battle was over before we had the chance to ready our defense; our main mast was down and Pinkbeard’s crew swarmed across our deck.
Twilight Sparkle was roused from her reading reverie by an insistent pounding on the library door. “Spike! Answer the door!” she called. Several seconds passed and there was no reply from the little dragon, the knocking continued. “Spike! The door!” She called again. Still no answer. More knocking.
She sighed and put a bookmark in place. “Where is that dragon?” She stood up and went to the door. When she opened it she found a downright disheveled Bon-Bon. “Hello. What can I do for you?” Twilight asked pleasantly, trying not to jump to conclusions about her frazzled visage.
“I need to send a letter to Princess Celestia right away! Can I borrow your dragon?”
Twilight was taken aback by this request. “Um... I’m sorry, I don’t actually know where he is right now. Why don’t you come inside?” She stepped back to allow Bon-Bon entry. She led the other pony to the round table in the center of the main room and sat down. After a moment, Bon-Bon followed suit.
“Tea?” Twilight began as the floated a second teacup out of the kitchen and placed it in front of Bon-Bon.
“Yes please.” Bon-Bon replied.
Twilight poured tea into Bon-Bon’s cup. “Now, what is so urgent that you can’t wait for the regular postal service?”
“I think Pinkie Pie is going to kill Ditzy.” Bon-Bon replied.
Suddenly Bon-Bon was hit with a spray of tea from Twilight’s mouth. “Oh! I’m so sorry!” Twilight apologized; she lit her horn and the liquid evaporated. “That is a very serious accusation; you’d better tell me everything.” Bon-Bon, relieved that at last somepony was willing to listen to her, did just that.
After her story was over, Twilight put down her tea cup. “When Pinkie asked you to... um... Do the deed... Can you remember exactly how she said it?”
“Well, she sort of looked around, and then she said... I think it was ‘I want you to get rid of Derpy’, and she was using this weird voice for some reason.”
Twilight Sighed. “I see what’s going on here.” Twilight closed her eyes, with a flare of her horn a book floated down from a nearby shelf. It hovered in front of Bon-Bon long enough for her to read the title ‘Gum Shoe and the Al Capony Murders’ before flipping open. Twilight’s magical aura glowed particularly brightly on a certain passage. Bon-Bon read the highlighted portion:
“Anything else boss?” Tiny asked.
Al Capony sat facing away from his henchpony in his high backed leather chair. “No, Tiny, you can go.”
Tiny turned and reached for the knob of the door, which was painted as black as the soul of the stallion whose office it was the door to.
“Actually,” Al said; his voice acquired a sinister tone, “I've got’s one other job for ya.” His chair whipped around like a thing that turns really fast. He put his front hooves on the table. “I want you to... how should I put this...” – the infamous mobster’s eyes scanned the room as if he wasn’t sure they were alone – “get rid of Gum Shoe.”
“This is one of Pinkie’s favorite books.” Twilight explained.
Bon-Bon looked at the floor. “I feel really stupid now.”
Twilight nodded sympathetically. “Yeah.” There was a brief pause in which Twilight realized how that sounded. “I mean, no!” She backpedaled frantically. “Don’t worry about it. It’s an understandable mistake, and you did the right thing for what you thought the situation was.”
Bon-Bon only nodded.
“You should go on home and get some rest, not to be rude, but you look like you need it.”
Bon-Bon nodded again and stood up. “Thank you for the tea. And for listening.”
“I’m glad I could help, and I’ll talk to Pinkie about making sure this doesn’t happen again.”
Bon-Bon saw herself out. As soon as Twilight heard the door close behind her, she returned her attention to her book. “Now, where was I?”
++++++
Golden Harvest arrived at the Muffinry as promised to find it nearly deserted. Only a handful of ponies were seated at the various tables, and Ditzy had her head down on the counter. Golden approached, unsure of what to do. “Um... Derpy?”
Ditzy’s head shot up. “I wasn’t asleep!” She said too loudly. She shook her head to clear out the cobwebs and try to get her bearings. “Oh, Carrot Top! You’re here!”
“Slow day?”
Ditzy nodded and pointed outside. “Pinkie’s new flavor has everypony’s attention.”
Golden put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm, I think I know what to do about that. Bring me a poster board and some markers.”
A few minutes later, a new sign was placed in the Muffinry window:
‘Do you like cookies? Chocolate chip muffins are now 50% off!’
“That should get ponies’ attention.” Golden said proudly. “Now where’s Lyra?”
“She took an early lunch, she ought to be back any–”
“I’m back!” Lyra announced as she entered the shop. “Oh, hi, Carrot Top. Cool sign.”
“Thanks.”
“Derpy says you’re here to help me learn how to bake. Shall we get started?”
Golden nodded. “Yes, let’s start with a simple chocolate chip recipe; I have a feeling those are about to become very popular,” she said with a wink toward Ditzy. She then led Lyra back into the kitchen, and instructed her to stand in the center of the room.
“Okay, we are going to make some chocolate chip muffins. What is step one?” Golden asked.
Lyra was confused “Uh, I don’t know! Aren’t you supposed to tell me?”
“If I give you all the answers you won’t learn anything,” Golden said in a scolding tone. “Now, what is the first step?”
“I guess I should... gather the ingredients?” Lyra ventured.
“Not a bad guess, but how do you know which ingredients you need?”
“Um... By looking at the recipe?”
Golden clapped her hooves. “Good! So the first step is–?”
“Look up the Recipe!” Lyra finished triumphantly.
Golden Smiled Proudly. “See? You’re learning already.”
Lyra began digging around in the recipe box until she eventually found the one for chocolate chip muffins. she pulled it out and started reading it. “Question: it says here that I need both a whisk and an eggbeater... Aren’t those basically the same thing?”
Golden sighed. “We’ve got a long way to go...”
++++++
Octavia had an engagement in canterlot in three weeks, and she was nowhere near ready to perform the new piece. She winced as yet another note veered sharp, and found herself overcorrecting as the next few notes came out flat. She was just about ready to throw her bow across the room when the door slammed open and her roommate pranced inside. “Well, at least one of us is in a good mood,” she said crossly.
Vinyl frowned and tilted her head to the side as if to ask what was wrong.
Octavia sighed. “Oh, it’s this new piece, these key changes are impossible. It sounds divine when the Fillyharmonic plays it, but I can’t get it right.”
Vinyl smiled, placed a hoof to her ear, and bobbed her head.
“I appreciate that, but pardon me if I don’t take your word for it that it sounds okay, considering that awful synthetic noise you listen to.”
The white unicorn shrugged.
“Enough about me; what has you in such a chipper mood?”
Vinyl performed a complex series of hoof motions that would make absolutely no sense to anypony else.
“You got a job? Where?” Octavia asked.
Vinyl Produced a cupcake from behind her back. Octavia looked concerned at this.
“Sugarcube Corner? Vinyl... Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Octavia asked, her voice full of trepidation.
Vinyl, confused by her fearful tone, removed her sunglasses so that Octavia could clearly see her raise her eyebrow.
“It’s just this whole... thing with Pinkie and Derpy. I’m not sure it’s wise for you to put yourself in the middle of that,” the gray mare explained.
Vinyl smirked.
“Well of course I’m worried about you!”
Vinyl waved a dismissive hoof.
“I hope your right.” Octavia conceded. “It’s not like I’ll be able to change your mind.”
Vinyl nodded smugly.
“Just... promise you’ll be careful?”
Vinyl mimed a Pinkie Promise®.
Octavia sighed and went back to her bass practice. Sensing the conversation was over, Vinyl turned and disappeared into her room. Moments later Octavia was nearly bowled over by an almost-physical wall of high-volume electronic music.
“VINYL!”
++++++
Lyra was late coming home that night. Several grocery bags floated behind her in her magical aura. “I can’t believe she gave me homework!” She muttered to herself, glaring at the recipe she was supposed to bake by the next morning, half hoping that if she glared hard enough, it might burst into flames. “I can’t believe I need all this stuff to make one little batch of muffins!” She looked up to see Bon-Bon on the couch waiting for her. The sight made her even angrier and she immediately put her nose in the air and set about actively ignoring her roommate's presence.
“Lyra.” Bon-Bon addressed her. Lyra made a show of going to the kitchen to put away the groceries. “Lyra.” She called a little louder. Lyra continued to give her the silent treatment. “Oh for pony’s sake! Are you still not speaking to me?”
Lyra answered by not answering.
Bon-Bon sighed and followed her. “Fine, if you want to be childish then don’t talk, just listen. I’ve realized that perhaps I was a little bit hasty before; we have both made mistakes and I might have been less right than I thought I was... and I want you to know–”
“Stop.” Lyra cut her off sharply. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I’m trying to apologize!” Bon-Bon defended.
“Really? Because it sure sounds like you’re trying to spin it so that you don’t have to say you were wrong.”
“No I–”
“Enough!” Lyra cut her off again. “If you wanted to apologize you would have! But you don’t! You just want me to think you did! You always do this! You always treat me like i’m stupid!”
Bon-Bon started crying. “Lyra–”
“SHUT UP!” Lyra yelled. “I HATE YOU! I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU!” Lyra regretted the words as soon as they left her lips, but by then it was too late. “Bonnie... I...”
A heavy silence hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. When Bon-Bon finally spoke, her voice was so tiny Lyra could barely hear it. “How... how could you say that? How could...” She turned and ran, sobbing, out of the kitchen, and then out of the house, disappearing into the night.
Oh Celestia... What is wrong with me? Lyra cursed herself. She dropped her bags with a clatter; a jug of milk burst on the ground, but Lyra didn’t care. She ran out after Bon-Bon. “Bonnie! Wait! I didn’t mean it!” Lyra ran out into the street and kept running. Bon-Bon was nowhere to be seen. “Bonnie! Where are you?! BONNIE!”
