Just a fan and an aprentice writer.
There is plenty of knowledge lost to the ages, the genesis of ponykind long forgotten...
Some myths however remain to this day and though most ponies have forgotten, some still take pride in their knowledge and study.
For in a magical world, myths may be much more than just old stories.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Myth
Grammar: 7
Pros:
- Interesting concept, I feel you portray it in the style of a myth very well.
- Good pacing, there wasn't any point where I felt you were being overtly descriptive which can be a danger in world creation stories.
- I am intrigued as to how you will portray the next section, this interests me
Cons:
- Though you didn't make it too slow, you did sort of jump from them watching a new pony civilization to them having priests.
- Some of the sentences felt a little clunky, this may be due to grammar but I am not very good at grammar so I don't know. Then again might just be me.
- Harkening back to my first 'con' I would have liked to see more about the purely pony civilization. Like how they know about magic, or their first meeting with Luna and Celestia.
Notes: All in all this is a nice interesting piece with some good potential. I am a little confused as to the relationship between the princesses and the subjects. If they are physically there why can they not step in to help, if they are speaking through priests and dreams that could be made more clear. Please write more though, I am especially interested in your perspective of what happened with regards to the elements of harmony.
If you could review Winter Solstice I would be much appreciated.
This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.
Story: Myth
Grammar Score: 7/10
Pros:
-It felt like a magical tale from the childhood, or the Good Old Book
-Quite original, this style of writing is not often used in ponyfic
-Felt like something that could very well be canon
Cons:
-Short
-Sentences are sometimes too long
-Ends abruptly
Notes:
I liked this story! It was very original in its style, which was truly something you don't often see on this site. It was also clean simple with no major grammatical erros. However, you do sometimes wind up using a bit too long sentences:
You should really break this up into shorter sentences for easier reading.
Also I did feel that while the story had potential to be great, the short length threw me off a bit. Especially the ending was very abrupt, as you explained in only 3 paragraphs how the races split up.
I'd love if you could review either Unto the Great Everafter or The Fall of a Nation.
1963464
Thanks for your review, it gave me some great ideas on how to make my story better.
At some point I completely agree with you on how vague i was being, hope that is fixed now.
And about the civilization, well, the story is only supposed to explain how the sisters were born, and how they made the three pony races, so I really didnt feel the need to explain that part, but, do you really feel it would add to the story? (honest question)
1963566
Thank you so very much for your review, and Im glad you liked it!
I do agree with you on my sentences, I hope its better now.
As I mentioned at some point, this story is only supposed to explain how the sisters were born, and how they made the three pony races, so the ending was a way to tie it to the cannon, but I am working on fixing it so the ending doesnt feel so abrupt.
This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.
Myth
Grammar score: 8/10
Pros:
-You captured that story book legend feel really well.
-It's well written and easy to understand.
-Your telling of creation was unique and merged with the show's cannon quite well
Cons:
-There is a bit of stray odd phrasing here and there.
This bit gets the point across fine but feels a bit awkward. Shifting the pieces around could probably give it a better flow.
-There were a few places where you started a new sentence where you didn't need to.
There you probably want to just do away with the period and continue the sentence.
-It ends a bit abruptly.
Notes: All-in-all this was a really nice story and I really enjoyed it. My only real suggestion would be to find a proof-reader. I really rely on mine because its easy to overlook errors and the like in my own stories because I know how it's supposed to go in my head. Unfortunately I don't really know where to tell you to look for one because mine just sorta fell in my lap so to speak (i.e. he asked me about proofreading for me.) You defiantly have the makings of a good writer, now you just have to build on that foundation. You've earned your first follower and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next
I hope you enjoy your review!
1973203
Wow, thanks a lot!!!! Im so happy to have my first follower, and even happier that is someone i myself follow!!
And yes, i completely agree with you, I do need help...
But untill i find someone I will just keep trying to fix those damn mystakes myself! Even if it kills me! ( LOL, drama)
Anyway... Thanks a lot for your review, and Im so happy you liked my story!!
1973396
Sob.. Im sorry for my steriod induced sentences...
I think that THAT is my greatest problem as a writter (as of now, I bet there are many more to come)
But I really apreciate your honesty and even though I dont think I can find an editor soon, I will do my best to try and fix the problem.
Actually, I think the comma overuse was one of my attempts to shorten my sentences, but i guess it still miles before I get that fixed.
So thanks a lot for your review, and Im really glad you were able to enjoy the story despite all the technical dificulties.
I will be helping Meztli with this story. I will help him proofread it, correcting his grammatical errors and helping him with his sentence structure. Please don't point out any more grammatical mistakes, as we are working on it.
Thank you.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Myth.
Grammar Score: 8
Pros: -Interesting. The story kept me hooked until the end, and it worked great as a creation myth, something I'm always a fan of.
- A mystical aspect. You definitely nail the impression of strangeness and grandeur present in these kinds of myths, and it really helps the overall experience.
- Overall flow, the opening is brisk without feling rushed, Rule of Three is used to good effect with the non-repetitive feeling repetition of the gifts, and the whole thing wraps up with a good tempo.
Cons: - A few word issues; ceasing, not seizing, and the Sisters should have used pegasi when explaining their duties.
- There are a few instances where a punctuation mark is located outside of a quotation mark, specifically when the Sisters are bestowing their gift on the earth pony.
- The pegasi, lazy? This is more of a personal gripe, but given that this story also functions as a prelude to the Hearth's Warming events, it would make more sense in my eyes for the pegasi to be shunned for pridefulness, or for an aggressive nature, as they were seen as a largely military society during those events.
Notes Section: Overall, I enjoyed this story a great deal, it was interesting, fantastical, and alluring.
This is Type Cast signing off.
(P.S. There's a formatting error near the end where 'possible' and 'solution' seem to have become separated.)
I absolutely adore myths about Equestria and this style of writing. (Check out my own stories, and you'll see what I mean.
) I really love this idea for where the three main pony races came from, and I could see it so clearly. Great job with this!