Myth

by Meztli

Genesis

Once, long ago, in an ancient time long forgotten, there was nothing but light and darkness and everything stood still.

Eons passed and suddenly everything changed, nopony knew or will ever know how, but magic suddenly appeared and infused the heavens, giving to everything movement and shape, and to some of it, even life.

This was the moment when the young Sun awoke and became aware of whom she was, her name was Celestia, and her grandness could only be compared to her kind and loving heart.

She began giving light and warmth to the world and this soon awoke her sister.

Wise, mysterious and beautiful was Luna, and even though she could give no warmth to the world, she decided to make up for it in beauty.

Every night she would paint millions of stars on the heavens, which gave light, inspiration, and guidance to enchant and soothe the heart of every living being that may fear the darkness on the world below.

The two sisters watched happily as the world began to produce life, never seizing to be amazed by the creatures who grew and evolved.

Some of them grew strong and agile, with powerful claws, sharp teeth or thick skin that helped in their survival, while other species developed intellect, and began amassing knowledge of the world and using it to their advantage.

Slowly but surely, civilizations were born.

The fist civilization, however, to name the sisters "Gods" and give them worship, was the pony tribe, and the sisters accepted the title with honor, gaining their favor and thus becoming the most loved beings by the Sun and the Moon.

For this, the Goddesses decided to bestow 3 gifts upon ponykind.
And sent a message through their priests for the summon of three ponies to their presence, they should represent all of pony kind and speak their choices for the gifts.

Two monoliths sat on the great temple, and for that day, and that day only, one was enveloped in a warm white aura, while the other had a beautiful dark blue glow.

The chosen ones entered one by one.

First came an old, wise pony.

"My goddesses, I am most grateful to even be in your presence, and if you would find it fitting to make such a kind offer to nothing but your lowly servant, all I could ever ask for would be your knowledge of magic and the power to wield it."

The sisters then gave the pony a horn upon its forehead, as a symbol of power through knowledge.

"You will now be called a unicorn", the sisters dictated in unison, "and through your horn you shall be able to conjure the magic that lies in this world and use your knowledge to manipulate it at will. This is our gift to you, and to anypony who may wish to follow you."

"However", the sisters warned, "this gift comes with a price. For now the unicorns will be guardians of knowledge and power and must use their gift to create and protect, never to harm or destroy."

Greatly honored, and with a bow as low as its legs would allow, the old pony but new unicorn left the sisters’ presence.

Second came a young and confident pony.

"My goddesses, I am grateful and honored to receive your gift, and what my heart desires is adventure, so I ask you for the speed to travel all the land and be able to flee any danger."

The sisters then gave the pony a pair of beautiful wings, as a symbol of freedom.

"You will now be called a pegasus", the sisters dictated again, "no being in this world will be able to catch you, and distances that a normal pony would find eternal, you will find short and entertaining in your flight. This is our gift to you and to any pony who would wish to follow you."

"But", the sisters added, "a price must be paid for this blessing. From now on, pegasus will be the guardians of the sky, and will use their gift to rule the clouds, controlling the weather as needed by those below."

Happy, and with a cheerful bow, the newly made pegasus left the sisters’ presence.

Third and last came a mature and hardworking pony.

"My goddesses, I am naught but a simple pony, and your offer humbles me. If I am to ask for any gift, I would choose strength to do my work and withstand the long hours of labor, in order to provide for myself and those close to me."

The sisters then changed the pony on the inside, making magic flow through its veins and power its body, and made its beating heart a symbol of strength.

"You are now an earth pony", the sisters dictated one last time, "so although your shape has remained the same, your body will now be as strong and as tireless as your heart, and determination will be your fuel. This is our gift to you, and to anypony who may wish to follow you."

"Though", warned the sisters, " every gift comes at a price. From this moment on, earth ponies will be guardians of the land, making sure to work and care for it so that it will always remain fertile and full of life."

Grateful and with a resolute bow, the now earth pony left the sisters presence.

And so, from one species, three were born.

In the beginning all ponies kept their goddesses’ wise words at heart. Heeding their warning they all used their gifts for the sake of harmony, and for centuries ponykind thrived .

Unfortunately, this could not last forever.

As time passed, the gifts that had once united and gave plenty to all ponies became the very reason divisions and hostilities grew.

Unicorns began to look down on those who did not possess the heavenly gift of magic, and denounced those that possessed little knowledge.

Pegasi became exasperated by the earth bound ponies’ heedfulness and resistance to change, while the earth ponies were fed up with the pegasi’s laid-back attitude toward work.

Delusions of superiority finally driving a wedge between unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies.

Conflicts arose more quickly than anypony could solve them, and in the end the only possible
solution became separation.

The first to leave were the pegasi, flying up into the sky to create new cities on the clouds, abandoning their weather duties.

Shortly after the unicorns left for the mountains, where gems were plenty, and built a kingdom, keeping all of their knowledge to themselves.

The last ones to leave were the earth ponies, who settled on towns in the valleys, denying food to the other pony races.

And so, heartbroken, the sisters saw harmony disappear from the world below, but they were not the only ones that took notice; on a far side of the land a strong and freezing wind blew with all its might as the windigos began to gather.

Author's Note:

This is my first story and well, i hope you enjoy it. ^^-

Btw, the story was made to resemble the way myths are written.

Any comments with corrections and constructive criticism are very welcome.
Or just general opinions about the story, what you liked or what you didnt like, so I can take it into account for my next story.

And special thanks to michaelajunker, whose amazing patience and great editing skills had been an incredible help in the improvement of this story.

Thanks for reading! x3

Comments

[Judgeitive]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Myth

Grammar: 7

Pros:
- Interesting concept, I feel you portray it in the style of a myth very well.
- Good pacing, there wasn't any point where I felt you were being overtly descriptive which can be a danger in world creation stories.
- I am intrigued as to how you will portray the next section, this interests me

Cons:
- Though you didn't make it too slow, you did sort of jump from them watching a new pony civilization to them having priests.
- Some of the sentences felt a little clunky, this may be due to grammar but I am not very good at grammar so I don't know. Then again might just be me.
- Harkening back to my first 'con' I would have liked to see more about the purely pony civilization. Like how they know about magic, or their first meeting with Luna and Celestia.

Notes: All in all this is a nice interesting piece with some good potential. I am a little confused as to the relationship between the princesses and the subjects. If they are physically there why can they not step in to help, if they are speaking through priests and dreams that could be made more clear. Please write more though, I am especially interested in your perspective of what happened with regards to the elements of harmony.

If you could review Winter Solstice I would be much appreciated.

[Prolet]

This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.

Story: Myth

Grammar Score: 7/10

Pros:
-It felt like a magical tale from the childhood, or the Good Old Book
-Quite original, this style of writing is not often used in ponyfic
-Felt like something that could very well be canon

Cons:
-Short
-Sentences are sometimes too long
-Ends abruptly

Notes:
I liked this story! It was very original in its style, which was truly something you don't often see on this site. It was also clean simple with no major grammatical erros. However, you do sometimes wind up using a bit too long sentences:

The two sisters watched happily as the world began to produce life, never seizing to be amazed by the creatures who grew and evolved, some of them grew strong and agile, with powerful claws, sharp teeth or thick skin that helped in their survival, but other species grew intellect and began amassing knowledge of the world and using it to their advantage, slowly but surely, civilizations were born.

You should really break this up into shorter sentences for easier reading.

Also I did feel that while the story had potential to be great, the short length threw me off a bit. Especially the ending was very abrupt, as you explained in only 3 paragraphs how the races split up.

I'd love if you could review either Unto the Great Everafter or The Fall of a Nation.

[Meztli]

1963464

Thanks for your review, it gave me some great ideas on how to make my story better.

At some point I completely agree with you on how vague i was being, hope that is fixed now.

And about the civilization, well, the story is only supposed to explain how the sisters were born, and how they made the three pony races, so I really didnt feel the need to explain that part, but, do you really feel it would add to the story? (honest question)

[Meztli]

1963566

Thank you so very much for your review, and Im glad you liked it!

I do agree with you on my sentences, I hope its better now.

As I mentioned at some point, this story is only supposed to explain how the sisters were born, and how they made the three pony races, so the ending was a way to tie it to the cannon, but I am working on fixing it so the ending doesnt feel so abrupt.

[Cavemonkynick]

This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.

Myth

Grammar score: 8/10

Pros:
-You captured that story book legend feel really well.
-It's well written and easy to understand.
-Your telling of creation was unique and merged with the show's cannon quite well

Cons:
-There is a bit of stray odd phrasing here and there.

Painting every night millions of stars on the heavens to give light, inspiration, guidance and to enchant and soothe the heart of any living being that may fear the darkness on the world below.

This bit gets the point across fine but feels a bit awkward. Shifting the pieces around could probably give it a better flow.
-There were a few places where you started a new sentence where you didn't need to.

...Goddesses decided to bestow 3 gifts upon ponykind. And sent a...

There you probably want to just do away with the period and continue the sentence.
-It ends a bit abruptly.

Notes: All-in-all this was a really nice story and I really enjoyed it. My only real suggestion would be to find a proof-reader. I really rely on mine because its easy to overlook errors and the like in my own stories because I know how it's supposed to go in my head. Unfortunately I don't really know where to tell you to look for one because mine just sorta fell in my lap so to speak (i.e. he asked me about proofreading for me.) You defiantly have the makings of a good writer, now you just have to build on that foundation. You've earned your first follower and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next

I hope you enjoy your review!

[Meztli]

1973203

Wow, thanks a lot!!!! Im so happy to have my first follower, and even happier that is someone i myself follow!!

And yes, i completely agree with you, I do need help...

But untill i find someone I will just keep trying to fix those damn mystakes myself! Even if it kills me! ( LOL, drama)

Anyway... Thanks a lot for your review, and Im so happy you liked my story!!

[Meztli]

1973396

Sob.. Im sorry for my steriod induced sentences...
I think that THAT is my greatest problem as a writter (as of now, I bet there are many more to come)

But I really apreciate your honesty and even though I dont think I can find an editor soon, I will do my best to try and fix the problem.

Actually, I think the comma overuse was one of my attempts to shorten my sentences, but i guess it still miles before I get that fixed.

So thanks a lot for your review, and Im really glad you were able to enjoy the story despite all the technical dificulties.

[michaelajunker]

I will be helping Meztli with this story. I will help him proofread it, correcting his grammatical errors and helping him with his sentence structure. Please don't point out any more grammatical mistakes, as we are working on it.

Thank you.

[Jioplip]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors.

Name of Story: Myth.

Grammar Score: 8

Pros: -Interesting. The story kept me hooked until the end, and it worked great as a creation myth, something I'm always a fan of.

- A mystical aspect. You definitely nail the impression of strangeness and grandeur present in these kinds of myths, and it really helps the overall experience.

- Overall flow, the opening is brisk without feling rushed, Rule of Three is used to good effect with the non-repetitive feeling repetition of the gifts, and the whole thing wraps up with a good tempo.

Cons: - A few word issues; ceasing, not seizing, and the Sisters should have used pegasi when explaining their duties.

- There are a few instances where a punctuation mark is located outside of a quotation mark, specifically when the Sisters are bestowing their gift on the earth pony.

- The pegasi, lazy? This is more of a personal gripe, but given that this story also functions as a prelude to the Hearth's Warming events, it would make more sense in my eyes for the pegasi to be shunned for pridefulness, or for an aggressive nature, as they were seen as a largely military society during those events.

Notes Section: Overall, I enjoyed this story a great deal, it was interesting, fantastical, and alluring.

This is Type Cast signing off.

(P.S. There's a formatting error near the end where 'possible' and 'solution' seem to have become separated.)

[The Wandering Bard]

I absolutely adore myths about Equestria and this style of writing. (Check out my own stories, and you'll see what I mean. ) I really love this idea for where the three main pony races came from, and I could see it so clearly. Great job with this!