Tera Is a very adventrous young mare who decided to go exploring in the Everfree Forest for a full month. Little did she know that the Everfree Forest is home to very mystical things and those of course include dimensional portals. She will have to conquer and steel herself for the battle thats to come, to be able to get back to her family and friends alive and well.
(This is a Dark Souls Fim FIC that ive been thinking of doing for a while, a lot of planning went into this story but it is my first one so please be gental but firm with constructive criticism.)
Dark Souls is owned by the Bandai Corporation and all characters as well as the Dark Souls Storyline belongs to Bandai.
Chapters (1)
Okay, there are various things that seem to be at lack here.
There's no true character development(I'm sure there will be, but as of now, it is none, and that is rather lacking)
Her friend was barely introduced, and wasn't described at all. At least not his appearance, which also brings me over to the point about her being described a tad late.
She loves adventures, yes, but she also seemed to jump into the everfree forest as some sort of a random action without any reasoning behind it. I love the fact that she has a cutie mark that answers to her desires, which is a bonus to creativity, but it's just not enough.
I believe this fanfic is written because you want to combine two things you love, but eagerness often means slack. Take your time writing, not just planning, and work it out as it gets along. Backtrack, see what you can improve, and for the love of Celestia, please proof-read a little more. I'm fine with a few typos, I often make one every here and there myself, but I'd be much more satisfied if grammar wasn't an issue every other line, so to speak.
She was also supposed to be in the forest for a month. Why not just have her run in there like usual, suddenly stumbling upon the portal, and with a need for adventure, head right in?
There are many things which could improve this story, and make it much more enjoyable. There's even a typo in the description, which makes it hard for me as a viewer. First impression means a lot, even the description.
I am personally a fan of both Dark Souls(You don't want to know how many hours I have spent on the game) and MLP, but I would love to see it executed well, so I hope these pointers will help, if only some.
The good side is your thought in planning this before writing it. That often gives a better result. You intend on making it last, rather than end it as a one-chapter type of thing. I know Dark Souls is a very expanded game, as far as even lore goes(Not upon first look though), so it's hard to end it in just one chapter, but it IS possible. You've introduced more characters, which means a wider aspect of stories to tell, and a childhood story which she can introduce later on
My final pointer is that the story advances too fast. There's no time to sit down with just one part at a time, since it jumps from one point to another like a kangaroo with a rocket up its butt.
Overall, a 4/10. This is my honest opinion. I'll leave a like because I think you deserve one, since this is your first story, and I'm probably too nice for my own good(Playing Dark Souls online is an exception, and it's one of the few times I can truly 'Throw a tantrum'. If you are familiar with lagstabs, I'm sure you can agree)
Thanks for the comment and the help and ill go through and see which grammar errors there are as well as fix more of the problems listed. As for the description typo i apologize I sorta submitted it using my ipad and it likes to type what it wants sometimes...
And ya i just don't have many friends willing to critique a story like this and I have only one person who will. As for myself story writing is a hobby i want to get into. So this is really been critiqued three times, twice be me and once by my friend and tried but i will fix the errors here soon and learn from em, and thank you so much for the critique.
Also yes I am familiar with lags tabs lol, been with dark souls since release as well as pre ordered two disks, collectors edition and regular disk. Love the game so much and the lore behind it.
If I haven't even read the story yet, and I'm already feeling the need to give criticism, it's probably not a good sign.
People seem to underestimate the importance of writing a good description. But it's literally the first thing people see when coming to a new story, and it sets a precedent for the quality of writing that they can expect from within the story.
So, that being said, I'd advise you to give your description a little proof-reading. "Steal" =/= "steel", "Is" doesn't need capitalising while "ive" does, and "adventrous", "gental" and "cirticism" are not words in the English language.
1931035 it's better than most... while I agree about descrptions, this one is fine
1931071
A lot of fan-fiction is generally terrible.
Being "better than most" isn't difficult in this field. I feel it'd be more constructive for authors to compare themselves to the quality of actual published stories.
This could become something good, but I have to agree ith the others that left comments.
Also don't take this as a bad critique, I am new to writing myself and I make the same mistakes.
This chapter needs improvement.
It is not bad, but it seems kind of plain. You descripe what happens but not much more. To make a story come to life you need to capture the reader in a way that he or she can 'feel' the story.
The description could also need a little editing.
I will follow this story and I want to help you make it shine, but believe me I would make a horrible prove-reader.
Try to find someone on this site that is willing to take that job, it helps beyond what you would believe.
1931081 you don't have any fanfiction... you don't have the right to say that really. and no, comparing fanfiction to published stories is not fair. there is such a gap it's not even remotely plausible. fanfiction is amateur, and this particular one is his first one ever. the vibe you're giving me right now is an ignorant critique who thinks just because he likes to read he has the right to critique people's work though he's never done it. That's just the vibe though so i'm not saying anything conclusive. You just need to realize that not everyone is an accomplished author, and this is damn good compared to most first timers and it's sure as hell better than mine.
1932719
I can tell that you have no interest in mature content, since you must have it disabled in order for you to claim that I have no stories.
Therefore, I won't insist that you read the work that I actually have. Just don't go making any more assumptions about my writing experience, okay?
Furthermore, I don't mean to imply that I expect fan-fiction to be on the same level as published stories. It's not something you can make an earning out of, after all.
I just feel like being satisfied with "being better than most fan-fictions" is setting the bar a little too low.
As an author, if you at least keep in mind stories that you consider to be good, then you can learn from them what makes them so good, and use that information to improve your own work little by little.
Also, my main point was that spelling mistakes in the description are likely to turn people away prematurely. That's something that anyone could see. And I didn't want the author losing out over such a simple thing.
1933033 spelling issues are the least of our worries in any story... seriously... and no, i don't stay away for mature stories. i stay away from clop, but half or more of mine are mature rated... new computer, must have the filter on...
but either way, you were far too harsh for a fanfic, especially a first time
1933651
I'd beg to differ. Spelling issues are the errors that stand out the clearest to readers, so they can easily cause viewers to think less of the story before really giving it a chance.
I agree that I might have been a little harsh, but the author did request "firm constructive criticism".
1936200 i know spelling and grammar can break a story, but honestly it's not as big of a deal as you think. most people learn to ignore those mistakes easily if they enjoy the story. Most of the time, people learn from them too. Don't damn a story just because of spelling and grammar unless it's so glaringly terrible you can't even read it
1937625
Okay, I will yield to you there. While the grammar here is bad, it's not worth damning the whole story for.
So, I ponied up and finally read the actual chapter, all the while using my imagination to mentally replace the existing grammar with the kind I'm more used to. Although I do have to say, the quality of writing within the story is better than that of the description, which just further emphasises my point about how important it is to not mess up the first impression that is your description.
>>Shadowstalker1287
Taking the story as it is... it's all right, I guess? The pacing feels a bit rushed, like you wanted to get to Tera being in Lordran as fast as possible.
I can understand, as a writer, wanting to get to the exciting bits as quickly as possible, because they're simply more fun to write. But it's generally not good to neglect the chapters leading up to these exciting parts, or else they end up giving off a "stuff happened but it doesn't really matter so just skim through it" vibe.
1937793 i'm sorry dude, you just lost all credibility in my mind...
you said you have stories that are mature... stories meaning more than one... and that one is a clopfic... And you think you have the right to critique?
I'm sorry, but just one story(unless it's godfully amazing) and/or based around the clop(which in the description says is a major part of the story) causes an extreme drop on the list in my opinion. there are various reasons, but the two main ones being that i avoid clop centered stories and clop centered stories lack a lot of good storywriting elements simply because it's limited
1939856
If you'll look back, you'll see that I never actually claimed to have "stories". You're right, I have just the one. But so does the author of this story, making me at around the same level as them. Therefore, it's not such a dreadful sin for me to be giving them pointers, as a peer.
Besides, I object to your claim that clop stories necessarily lack good story writing elements. Most do, but that's simply because clopfics seem like an easy ride, so you end up with most being written by amateur/lazy authors who skip out on certain features, just 'cos they think the target audience won't really care.
My story is written as I would write any other story, with the one difference being that graphic depictions of clop are elements which drive the plot forward. Yes, I said plot. No, I don't mean that as a euphemism.
Care to bring any other assumptions to the table?
1941381 you have the same amount of experience as this one, then. therefor your credibility is practically void. imagine if a C student was telling you, a C student, that you were wrong? and as I said, what I said isn't a fact or something i beleive to be, i said in my eyes so it's my opinion. and any story where clop, or sex in general, is a main focus it has some form of lacking when it comes to the stories due to it. this may be seen as a plus to some, but to me it is not. i'm not assuming anything, I am merely basing what I say off of what I know myself, what i believe myself and the information i have been given
1943117
If a classmate of the same level came to me and told me that they thought I'd done something wrong, I wouldn't take what they say as word of God, but I would take it into consideration, and thank them for their advice. Why, what would you do?
1943210 I suppose that was a poor example... what i'm saying is that you can't give criticism if you're no better than what you're criticizing. If your intention was merely to give advice, it would never have sounded so harsh
1944260
I can see your point, but I feel judging the quality of authors merely by the sheer number of stories they have is a little naive.
For instance, would you say a 1-story author with 5 chapters and over 200 favourites is not qualified to give critique on a 1-story author with 1 chapter and single-digit favourites?
1946809 that sounded an awful lot like putting yourself above another author or bragging. don't go there, friend, because I have you beat by a longshot. I do see your point though, and i never said sheer amount of stories. We can't know which of your stories becomes more popular until they reach equal standards. You're completely missing my point though, it's OK to give advice to a peer but not criticism. that right is reserved for the people with the experience to properly criticize what is there accurately. The reason I originally said that spelling really doesn't matter is because, unless it breaks the story it's so bad, people say 'hey spelling error here here and here' and just keep reading because they don't really care all that much. and as I said earlier, what you said may have been advice to you, but it was extremely harsh for it to be anything other than criticism, constructive or no
1948320
I know it did, and believe me, I didn't want to go there. But you appear to be fixated on putting authors in a hierarchy, and if you ain't high enough up the chain, then sorry buddy, get outta here, you don't belong in Critique Town.
Look, I know that there are certain levels of criticism that I am not yet a qualified enough author to give. I can't even present examples, they're too above my understanding.
But basic things like spelling and pacing I do know, and it is perfectly within my capacity to say when a certain story could be using them better.
And no, I don't need to tone it down to simply be advice, rather than criticism, in situations like misspelling in the description. A description is not long, it is not difficult to give it a quick proof-reading.
As for your opinion on whether spelling is important, well, it's exactly that. Your opinion.
Sure, there's probably plenty of people who don't give two damns about correct spelling. But on the other hoof, there's plenty of people to whom spelling is pretty important, myself included.
It just completely breaks the immersion for me if I spot a spelling mistake in a story. It reminds me that I'm not peering into another, more interesting reality, but merely following the imaginings of another fallible human, like myself.
Yes, I can still shake it off if I spot a few mistakes in the story. But when the description makes it clear what I'm in for before I've even started, I'm tempted to simply give up there and then. And anyone else who cares about spelling will likely feel the same way, thus limiting this story's potential audience.
1948431 i never said that was an opinion because it's not, it's based off of my experience. it's in between fact and opinion i guess. you're also taking this rather seriously, hierarchy? All authors are equal to each other. No author is better than another because if they like their story that's all that matters, since their stories' success is based on the opinion of others. There aren't 'ranks' or something like that, it's just a general respect or something like that for authors with more experience than another. since you both have similar experience, you should limit yourself to advice or mild criticism... as i said many times, yours was rather harsh. Grammar maybe, but the grammar was good enough at the very least. Spelling though, that really doesn't require criticism. if you look a lot of authors aren't originally english speakers, let alone writers.
now please, let's just stop this... long story short he could improve his spelling as to not turn away those who care a lot about spelling but the way you said it was a bit too harsh... deal?
1950253
Ahhh, I suppose you're right. We have dragged this out for rather a while, I'm sure Shadowstalker1287 doesn't appreciate us filling up his/her comments section like this.