Chapter 3 (Well Meaning Correspondance)
Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 3
By CDRW
From the desk of Princess Luna:
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
My sister informs me that I owe you and your friends an apology for my behavior last night. I cannot verify the truth of that claim because I do not remember said events very clearly, but the magnitude of my headache lends credence to her assertion.
Thus, I offer my apology. I am sorry.
I am sorry for consuming the entire alcohol stash of Sweet Apple Acres on a bet. I am sorry for embarrassing everypony. I am sorry for making jokes about disgusting bodily functions, which we, as immortal alicorns, don't have anyway.*
On a related note, my legal counsel Fine Print informs me that some of my alleged actions last night would fall under the headings of "sexual harassment" and "veiled fat jokes", both of which are punishable by stiff fines and possible jail time. Thus, I ask that if Fluttershy is not currently present while you read this letter, you pass it on to her when you are done.
Fluttershy, if I did in fact say that you "have excellent childbearing hips," it was not meant in any way to imply that you have a large posterior. It is a compliment that I fear has lost some meaning during the time I was away from Equestria. It simply means that you are built to have babies. I would like to point out, though, that in my day a little extra padding around the rump was considered extremely attractive. I still do not understand this age's obsession with ponies who look like they've seen the ugly end of a ten-year famine.
Since I refuse to start this letter over because I just want to go back to bed and sleep until my headache disappears, my sister insists that I mention I am still not fully acquainted with modern social mores and please don't sue. It would do you no good to sue anyway, as Parliament has not deemed it fit to grant me a royal allowance yet. They seem to think that I would just spend it on frivolous things like socks or giant spiders stuffed with pillow material. For some reason, they don't believe me when I tell them that I would purchase no more than one of each per week.
Also in regards to the issue of what I may or may not have said to Fluttershy, it has come to my attention that the laws to which I allegedly referred (the ones forbidding ponies of the same sex from entering into romantic relationships) were apparently repealed quite some time ago. Thus you are free to pursue a relationship with me if you should so desire without any fear of being gelded.
Also, it is physically impossible to geld a mare, something that an animal caretaker such as you probably already knows, but which the doctor who is currently treating my hangover feels I should mention anyway. He seems to feel that I do not have a very sound grasp on the basic concepts of biology, probably stemming from my earlier remarks about immortal alicorns not needing to go to the bathroom. I fear that I shall never be able to disabuse him of that notion, since he was not present for the conversation that led to the creation of that part of my letter.
In conclusion, I am sorry for my conduct last night. It was inappropriate and unbefitting of a princess. I have learned my lesson about consuming large quantities of alcohol, and the severity of my headache is more than sufficient to make me swear it off altogether.
Your friend and Princess,
Luna
P.S.
Praise Discord, Celly's finally gone to look for some sealing wax, and I can write without her breathing down my neck. I have to be quick about this, so forgive my brevity. Applejack, if my hangover is any indication, that was the best batch of booze I've ever had. Please send me the recipe. Twilight, I need you to send a book that will teach me how to build a still in my room. Thank you everypony for the wonderful night I'm sure we had.
*That part was a complete lie. I am not sorry at all because it sounds like it was hilarious, and Celly's being stupid about it anyway. She's always been a humongous prude and a bit of a loony** when it comes to stuff like that, though you didn't hear it from me. Do you know that I've never once seen her so much as enter an outhouse? That’s how crazy she gets about the subject. If you ask me, she's being a gigantic hypocrite about it too. She's always whining on and on about how she wishes ponies would just treat her like another pony instead of an immortal princess, and then she has me write something like that? In the parlance of today’s youth: that’s totally whack!
**I say that knowing better than anyone else what it means to be “loony.”
***
Twilight re-read the letter.
Twilight re-read the letter again.
Twilight re-read the letter forty-two more times.
Just as she was starting on her forty-sixth reading, she felt a hoof on her shoulder shaking her awake.
"Uh, Twi?" Applejack asked. "You all right? You've been starin' at that there letter for a right long while, and you're startin' to make some ponies a bit nervous."
"Yes," Rarity added. "It was most certainly an... interesting letter, but you seem to be rather more occupied with it than is healthy. Does this have anything to do with you collapsing last night, or that... outburst of yours? You gave us an awful fright, and we'd like to avoid that again if possible."
"Oh!" Twilight's head popped up like a jack-in-the-box. She looked around and realized she was still in the kitchen. Her friends were all still there, and they were all looking at her with very peculiar expressions. That wouldn’t do at all.
With a gulp and a strained smile, Twilight reassured them, "I'm fine! More than fine! I'm great! Thank you for breakfast girls, it was really good. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have some homework to do. What was it again? Oh yeah! I need to go invent a Unified Theory of Magic! Celestia's counting on me, and I can't let her down you know. I can't waste any time thinking about stuff that doesn't matter and which mortal minds were not meant to comprehend anyway. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my laboratory figuring out how to break the universe."
Twilight's right eye twitched as she surveyed the kitchen one more time. Spike was still eating his breakfast, but everypony else was staring at her, everypony except for Fluttershy that is. She was hiding under the table for some reason.
***
One day, one quantum-magical explosion, three gallons of chocolate ice cream, and an intervention later, Twilight was feeling a little better. Not much better, but still better; well enough to discuss the problem with her friends without trying to tear reality from its foundations and wad it up into a little crumpled ball like it was a Scootaloo-written book report on the Tale of Ginger, and that was all she could ask for.
"Now that you've calmed down, Twilight," Rarity said soothingly. "I think it's time you told us what is on your mind that has you so upset."
Pinkie Pie and Applejack nodded along with her from their seat on Twilight's couch. Fluttershy, who was sitting in an armchair by the wall, squeaked. The only pony in the room who wasn’t sitting down was Rainbow Dash, who was flying in slow circles around the ceiling, patrolling in case Twilight tried to bolt again.
Twilight wasn't going to run, though. She'd done enough running. She was through with running. This was the time to do something else. This was the time to cry her little pony heart out on the fainting couch that Rarity had generously lent to her.
"It's all so wroohohoohohooooooong!"
“What is?" Pinkie Pie asked, annoyingly perky despite Twilight's distress. "Did you learn that you failed the Crystal Empire test after all? Or did you remember that Cheerilee still has an overdue book out? Or did you find out that Big Macintosh likes stallions? Or, I know! Was the Hugs boson just a wild goose chase?"
Twilight peered up through bleary eyes at Pinkie Pie—who had suddenly appeared on the couch with her face much too close to Twilight’s—and asked the first question that popped into her mind at the exact same time as a very startled Applejack: "Macintosh likes stallions?"
"Probably not, dear," Rarity said as she levitated Pinkie Pie away from Twilight. "Pinkie Pie is just being herself again, but she is heading in the right direction at least. What is wrong? Surely it can't be anything so terrible that you truly feel you need to—and I quote, "break the universe"?
Twilight sniffled and curled up into the fetal position.
"Does this... does this have to do with what you said about Princess Celestia using the restroom?"
Twilight nodded.
Pinkie Pie tried to hop onto Twilight's couch again, but her movement was hampered by the fact that Rarity still hadn't put her down, so she ended up just flailing helplessly in the air. "Ooooh! I think I get it now!"
"Pinkie," Rainbow Dash sighed as she drifted past. "Can you just let Rarity handle it?" It was too late though, Pinkie Pie's mouth was already up to full speed.
"You're upset because you found out that Celestia is just like normal ponies because she gets embarrassed about her sister and loses her cool and all that stuff, and you were just going to ignore it and move on when Luna made a joke about having to take A ROYAL WHIZZ, and all of a sudden you realized that that meant that Luna used the toilet just like everyone else, and that meant that Celestia used the toilet just like everyone else, and that was the final blow that brought the pedestal you put her on tumbling down, and you were trying to come to grips with the fact that everything you built your life on was a self-inflicted delusion when Luna sent that letter and actually supported your idea that Celestia doesn't use the bathroom, which made your hopes soar like a tortoise being carried by an eagle, only to be dashed upon the rocks of agony when she said that was all a lie, and now you don't know what to think because even though Luna said Celestia does use the bathroom she also said she's never seen Celestia actually go into one so how would she know, maybe Princess Celestia is special and everything she eats is used as fuel to power the sun."
Twilight nodded.
"And you can't get the mental image out of your head."
The ambient temperature in the room dropped low enough that if any scientists had been monitoring, they probably would have discovered a few new and exotic forms of liquid helium.
"Pinkie," Applejack said in a low and urgent voice. "I don't think she had that second problem until you brought it up."
"But don't worry, Twilight! You can fix this problem just like you do everything else!"
And just like that, the temperature was back to a balmy seventy four degrees. For the first time in what felt like years, Twilight felt a little glimmer of real hope. "I can? How?"
Rainbow Dash swooped down next to Rarity and whispered in her ear, "Five bits she says 'party'."
"A lady never bets against a sure thing,” Rarity whispered back.
Pinkie Pie thrust her hoof in the air. "With research!"
Everypony stared at Pinkie Pie dumbfounded.
Pinkie folded her hooves in front of her and glared at Rainbow Dash and Rarity, saying, "I think about more than just parties, you know."
"Ahem," Rarity gave a little cough and gently put her friend down on solid ground. "Sorry."
Twilight sat up on the couch and cast a confused look at her friend. "Research?"
"Yeah, silly! You're a scientist, and when scientists have a question, they don't try to blow up Ponyville. They do research! You can't figure out what it means if Princess Celestia goes to the bathroom if you don't know if she goes to the bathroom!"
"Whoa nelly!" Applejack jumped up and waved her hooves frantically at Pinkie Pie to stop, but she might as well have been trying to stop Big Mac from going after an apple fritter with a piece of string and a prayer.
"I know the perfect book to start with too!" Pinkie cried triumphantly as she dashed to one of the shelves and pulled out a very thin hardcover book, holding it up for them all to see.
On the cover was a picture of a foal, a donkey's hind end, a goose, and an apple. The title read Everyone Potties.
“Hmm.” Twilight tapped her chin as she contemplated the book. “You know, I think you're right, Pinkie. I need to stop freaking out about this and approach it like a scientist. I've already read that book though.” She raised her head to look up at the interior balcony where Spike was taking a midday nap in his basket and called out his name.
After a moment's pause, a scaly purple head poked out over the edge and looked down at her with sleepy eyes. "Yeah, Twilight?"
"Spike, please take a letter."
***
Far away in Canterlot, Princess Celestia was explaining to the wonderful ponies in charge of Equestria's budget why she would not sign a bill doubling the sales tax when a chill ran down her spine as if somepony had just walked over her grave.
***
In another part of Canterlot, a rush of magic and a flash of green dragon fire deposited a scroll on a pillow next to the slumbering Princess Luna.
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2082183 You caught me.
I admit, I'm slow about updating my stories. In apology, have a chapter.
Ahaha, hilarious as always. Keep up the awesome work!
Once again, this story is unfailingly hilarious!
Love the letter, and Pinkie Pie knowing exactly what's going on. Can't tell if the Pinkie bit was breaking the fourth wall (reading the previous chapters) or just knowing her friends really well, but it was hilarious.
this is so damn funny. Faving!
To avoid being a fave and run - yes. YES. It's a slightly absurd premise but at the same time it's just... yes. Of course Twilight idolises Celestia. Of course she wouldn't be best pleased if her image of her idol was tarnished by basic biological necessity.
Of course Luna is a complete lush.
And poor Fluttershy...
And this is where I fucking lost it.
Look at this fanfiction. Now look at the smile on the corpse on the floor. Now Look back at this Fanfiction. You see, my funny personality isn't easily, "killed" by jokes Especially toilet humor but when it is, It's this fic. You are now at your laptop/desktop computer, typing out another chapter to this story. It is funny, it will make me laugh. You know it and I know it. Luna is being silly, very very silly. And all the while my smiling corpse has just revived, dusted himself off, and jumped back on board. You are now featured. Congratulations, you have made one of the top stories of Friendship is Magic Fiction.Net. Good Job. But your success doesn't stop there, you get featured on Equestria Daily. All because you killed someone's funny personality and brought them back to life with this chapter. Good job, now write more funny. Write a lot more funny.
Ba Ba Ba dah Dah dah da da!
(Badly Done Old Spice Commercials FTW!)
Another message from a certified F.A.P. (Famous American Psychics) representative, this is going to get even more interesting.
Thank you, this has been a vague and general announcement from your friendly
psychoticpsychic friends here at F.A.P.Remember, you may not know us, but we know (vaguely) when we will meet you!
2085420
Slow in updating...have a chapter?
Excuse me, I need to go break the Universe.
2085420 I, Ravenmane, approve of this response. Have about fifty
THIS IS JUST PURE GOLD AND NOTHING MORE
Is there moar ???
So cannot wait to see where this goes. Keep it up!
Good gravy that letter was hilarious, keep up the good work!
I love this.
I love you.
I love everything.
Well stuff just got real. Twilight is probably not going to like what she finds out.
There are only three chapters.
Why are there only three chapters?!
I don't normally pick up new incompletes, but damn if I can't help myself with this one. Outstanding work so far, really looking forward to the next chapters.
I am just waiting.......waiting for the shit storm cloud to hit critical mass and it starts raining ninja pinkie pies armed with water balloons filled with spikes fruit punch and I am not talking booze I am talking punch filled with little half inch sized spike the dragon clones who breath fruit punch .....sorry I had a lapse of sanity there for a moment
I have absolutely no idea how one like yourself can pull of something just as hilarious as this.
...
Well hell. I am upset and shocked, SHOCKED, that I did not see this pun coming. Well played.
I love this
Like they say, "dis gon b gud".
Thumbs and favourite!
This is hilarious in just about every way conceivable and, thanks to that quantumantic explosion, in several ways that aren't actually possible. I eagerly look forward to more.
That was good!
Just popping in to say that this is glorious
. Thank you.
The bit with Luna and Fluttershy was *fantastic*, as was the implication that "Fat Jokes" are a crime in Equestria. Write more!
why do I feel as if this will end with the revelation that Princess Celestia had found a creative new way to apply teleportation of liquids?
2112141
I would have gone for Higgs bison.
Oh my gosh Twilight!
You've become an alicorn!!!
GASP!!! TWILIGHT!!! Now you'll finally know, once and for all, if alicorns use the potty!!!
2112697
Oh he's an older generation villain
Everyone in my Comp. Tech Class is looking at me now while I laugh my ass off. This is hilarious.
I was thoroughly entertained! I shall heartily anticipate more chapters, I say!
I have no words to describe what I have just read. To say it was "vulgar, disgusting, and wrong on so many levels" doesn't even begin to describe it. You, sir, have just written one of the most slimy, disrespectful, horrible concept of a story I have ever read and brought it to the world, bringing shame to these characters, and to the readers, enough to make us blush with over-saturated embarrassment, knowing that this very thing even exists.
...
MY GOD, THIS STORY IS PURE GENIUS!! Congratulations on making it to EqD! For a concept like this, it's a true honor!
This is bloody hysterical and I cannot wait to see where it leads.
Also this is why I always felt bad for Celly because for the longest time her closest student still thought of her in some ridiculous fashion.
That's it. No one is allowed to write any more fanfiction. Perfection has been reached.
well im enjoying this story on how the equestrian world will end
I have just discovered your delightful story, and look forward to future updates.
Great work, love the story!
Faved from the description alone!
The whole thing is good, but that first chapter was a masterpiece to rival Shakespeare. I was ready to fave this as soon as Luna started praising Fluttershy's attributes.
There's more to come? Yay. I like your version of Luna. First chapter was gold, as was her PS.
I feel I have been beaten at my own game. c.c
One of the all-time great Pinkie almost-monologues.
Hugs Boson.
Ohhh lord. Faving, but I feel bad about it....
Goooood....gooooood...and so it begins.
Okay. They got Twi calmed down. Things are looking better. They can get through this. It would take a complete psycho to screw this up.
Let's see how Luna screws this up.
I'm glad the story didn't get to EqD until this chapter, or else I may not have fav'd it. What a place to leave off.
so. You like taking ideas that the commentors give you, so i've noticed. That's cool, because you give the audience what they wan to hear! And, Oh my...This can't be good... Big Mac?
Hey! Nice work getting onto EQD! So this is where you've been hiding from me...