Chapter 7 (Pee Rhymes Like Tree)
Princesses Don't Potty
Chapter 7
By CDRW
"Twilight."
Planning to invade the most private sanctum of Equestria's most public pony was admittedly not the best idea Twilight had ever had. It was risky, it was dangerous (two completely different concepts, and a subject for which Twilight had a lecture prepared in the event that anypony ever asked), and it was gross. Or, it would be gross if her experiment met with success.
"Twilight?"
She was also re-evaluating her personal definition of "success," because the word was starting to lose all of its positive connotations and even some denotations in the face of this project.
"Yoohoo! Earth to Twilight!"
Be that as it may, she would press forward. She had her friends, she had her bullet-point lists, and she had science.
"Hey, Pinkie. I think she heard your 'number two' comment."
She would press forward no matter how difficult, dangerous, and heretically gross her path was. There were, however, some concepts that her bruised and battered brain quite simply couldn't process.
"Twilight! Snap out of it!"
A blue hoof flew straight at her face.
"Ahh!" Twilight ducked just in time to feel Rainbow Dash's 'get a hold of yourself' punch whoosh through her mane. When an amazed whistle drifted through the air, she looked up to see an expression of shock and amazement plastered all over Dash's face.
That expression made Twilight feel inexplicably proud of herself, but she didn't get to see it for long because a wall of bright pink fur suddenly overwhelmed her vision. At the same time, a voice flooded into her ears like a tsunami of pop-rocks and banana pudding while all the air was hugged out of her lungs by something far too strong to be organic pony legs. "Wow! Did you see that Dashie? You were like whoosh! And she was like 'eek!' And she totally dodged your punch, just like Daring Do! She'd—"
"That was a slap, not a punch! I didn't..."
Twilight missed the rest of what Dash had to say because her entire world had devolved into a spinning pink blob of asphyxiation. She desperately tried to tell Pinkie Pie that she couldn't breathe, but just ended up with a mouth full of fur that didn't taste at all like frosting. She tried to spit it out, but just ended up licking Pinkie Pie in a place that she hoped to Celestia wasn't inappropriate.
It looked hopeless, but there was a solution. With a quick flare of magic, Twilight teleported six feet to the left and turned just in time to watch Pinkie whirl once more from sheer momentum before falling over with a stunned look on her face.
"Wh—" Twilight gagged and choked on the fur that coated her tongue. Coughing and clawing with both forehooves, she tried to scrape the pink fuzz away, but that just spread it all around the inside of her mouth. It danced on Twilight's tongue, garnished the inside of her cheeks, and was trying its level best to march right down her throat. Scooping up a glass of water from the card table, she quickly poured it into her mouth. She swished, rinsed, gargled, and, lacking anywhere else to do so, spit it back into the cup. Pink hairs and bits of breakfast swirled lazily in the glass for a second before she put it down and repeated the process with the other two.
Finally, Twilight felt like her mouth was clean enough to talk. "Pinkie, when was the last time you— No, nevermind." Fixing a glare at her feathered friend, she asked indignantly, "What was that for, Dash?"
Rainbow Dash at least had the good grace to look embarrassed when she answered. "You were just standing there, staring into space. It was starting to freak me out."
"Yeah, Twilight." Pinkie Pie broke in. "You were all freaky-squeaky, like you saw a ghostie and forgot to giggle at it. Did you see something? Because you can't just see things that other ponies can't see and then not tell us! Or were you thinking? You like to think a lot. What were you thinking about?"
"I..." Twilight raised her hoof as she instinctively prepared to break into lecture, but then put it back down as confusion rolled across her face. "Huh. I don't remember. Something about the difference between risk and danger I think?"
"Really? Because Rainbow Dash thinks you heard me say—"
"Hey Pinkie," Rainbow Dash cut her off with a dangerous tone in her voice. "Are you thirsty? You sound thirsty." She grabbed a glass of water with both forehooves and offered it to Pinkie Pie. "All that talking has made you a little hoarse. You should stop and soothe your throat with a nice, refreshing drink."
Pinkie Pie turned a slight shade of artichoke as she eyed the floaties dancing lazily in the water. "Umm. Thank you, Dashie. I'm not really thirsty though." A drop of sweat trickled down her forehead when she saw Rainbow Dash's eyes narrow slightly. "Hey, Twilight! I think Zecora can help. She has some special tea leaves that'll make anypony have to go potty really bad. She say's it's for 'cleansing.'"
Twilight shook off her confusion and asked, "Wait, really?"
Pinkie nodded extra vigorously while she backed away from Rainbow Dash, who was still looking at her with squinty eyes.
"Yeah, it tastes kind of funny though, and not ha ha funny."
Twilight cocked her head while she processed this information. "That... just might work. I think I have... One second."
Twilight dashed into the kitchen and threw open her cabinet doors, rummaging noisily through one after another until she found what she wanted. After a few seconds, she pulled out a tin can decorated with printed bushes and leaves and a tea set. Gathering everything together, she trotted back into the main room of the library with the items in tow.
Twilight met her friends' confused looks with an explanation. "This is a special tea blend called Lemon Solstice. Princess Celestia gave it to me for my birthday because it's one of her favorites..." She stopped and blushed. "I, uh. I didn't like it, so I never finished it. It's pretty strong and has a lot of flavors in it, though. Lemon of course, but it also has vanilla, licorice, almond, and a few different berries, enough flavors to hide another one if it's not too strong. Pinkie Pie, do you think you could run over to Zecora's real quick and get some of those herbs?"
Pinkie saluted and said "Aye aye, Twilight," before dashing off.
Rainbow Dash eyed the tea set warily as Twilight prepared three cups and started boiling the water in the kettle with her magic. "Uh, Twilight. Why are you making the tea now? Princess Celestia isn't here."
Twilight beamed widely. "Of course not! We have to test it first."
A long, drawn out silence stretched between the two of them, Twilight humming a little bit as she cleared the dirty dishes from the card table, and Rainbow Dash growing more and more fidgety by the second.
"Why, uh... Why so many cups?"
"Everypony's body reacts differently to things like this. We need to collect multiple data points to establish a baseline dosage to work from."
Rainbow Dash gulped audibly. "Um... aren't you being a little bit hasty here?"
"A little bit," Twilight admitted. "Normally, I would use a lot more than three ponies for this step, but we kind of need to keep it a secret."
"This step?" Rainbow Dash squeaked.
"Yup. That's just proof of concept, to see if the herbs work the way we need and can be masked by the flavor of the tea. After that, we'll need to do extensive testing to find the proper dosage and concentrations. We'll probably be refining the recipe right up until the day we execute whatever plan we come up with."
Twilight had to work to hide her smile when she saw Rainbow Dash swoon a little. She probably should have felt a little more sympathetic, but her friend had just tried to hit her in the face.
***
Princess Celestia had to pee.
She didn't need to potty, tinkle, wizz, or wee. The mounting pressure in her bladder was serious, and it called for serious vocabulary. On the other hoof, there was nothing particularly highbrow or intellectual about the horror in her hindquarters; thus, she didn't need to urinate or micturate either.
She had to pee.
But between Luna's pranks, and Twilight's stated intention to investigate her bathroom behavior, her toilet was about as trustworthy as a cockatrice babysitter who had eaten too many Everfree mushrooms. She was going to have to do something about that. Later, probably during her lunch break. After she found a toilet that was both safe and secret.
Princess Celestia didn't sigh to herself because she was in the middle of day court, and sighing while Peachy Keen pleaded for government help to stop an infestation of Mile-A-Minute vine from smothering all the orchards in Peach Pond would probably send the wrong sort of message. Instead, she smiled benevolently and said, "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Peachy. I will inform the Minister of Agriculture and ask him to send a specialist on the train out to Peach Pond first thing tomorrow morning so we can assess the situation. Do not worry, my little pony. We'll know soon enough how to save your orchards."
Peachy Keen bowed low and said in a choked voice, "Thank you, princess. This means everything to us."
Princess Celestia nodded and smiled, and Peachy Keen left while another pony with another problem approached the throne. She didn't sigh, she didn't fidget, and she only wished a little bit that she was sitting on an entirely different sort of throne. She had to pee, but she could hold it until lunchtime.
Princess Celestia smiled gently down at the quivering brown stallion who was laying prostrate in front of her throne. "Hello, what is your name?"
***
Pinkie Pie had to pee, so she stepped behind a tree.
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so it begins.
nice rhyme at the end
Honestly, I'm a bit glad for a short chapter. I have to go to a camp for a week tomorrow and I won't be able to access the internet and you uploaded this just as I had to get off, but I couldn't leave my favorite humor story hanging until next week, so I decided to read and I'm glad I did. I don't want to go to bed too late, now, because I'll have a big few days ahead of me and I'll need my rest, so I thank you and the Lord for this short chapter. Good luck getting back into the swing of things!
2695813 Awesome! Have a fun time at camp.
That ending!!
This isn't going to end well for at her all. Either that or it will go a route like CatDog did and the world will never know.
I'm rooting for Twilight on this one.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Knowing Pinkie, that pit stop is going to be out-of-the-ordinary...
I wonder what would happen if Celestia just sold her manure. Would farmers bid for it to say they were growing crops with royal fertilizer?
And if the Princess was to go into a field and pee in public, would any of her subjects have the guts to make a fuss about it?
Short but sweet. Um, maybe I should rephrase that...
2695870 Heck, it'd probably become a fashionable activity that the Canterlot elite would pay good money for.
2695871 Perhaps a little salty?
Oh Tia..... you have NO idea what is in store for you!
Argh... the teasing, THE TEASING!!! I waited so long for this to update, and it's a "getting back in the swing of things" chapter?! TEASE!!! LOL... can't wait for more!
Nice
lets get the pee train a going!!!!
What, was Zecora watching
?
Well, that was anticlimatic.
Turns out she does pee.
I was genuinely slighted. I was like "Oh, all the build up for nothing?" until I realized that it means that we know for certain whatever diuretic Twilight puts in her tea, diuretic being the fancy word for 'gotta pee juice', is guaranteed to work.
This will blow Twilight's little mind. Luna will have blackmail material for years.
Dear god, it's the suspense of a result being traded for the suspense of how other's will react to the positively negative result.
I just realised something: isn't possesing a toilet in bathroom in private quarters enough proof for Twi, making poisoning the princess unneeded?
So Princesses DO potty. Well too bad no one can tell Twilight that.
2697383
It is strong evidence yes. But it is not conclusive proof. For all she knows the palace designer just assumed that the princess wanted one for any reason what so ever.
2697676 Yeah, she could want that for the benefit of *cough* ponies who could visit her quarters for extended periods of time.
Oh, lol. You know, this reminds me of what happend with me yesterday. Or was it today? I think it was today.
We were having fun at teh nightclub when my buddy got so fucking drunk he couldn't even stand. He could barely speak, actually. So I dragged him into the cab and we went to his house, thankfully it was empty.
So, I'm dragging him to the door, and he's like:
-"%Sabban'srealname% I wannapeee."
-"Mkay"
I had to hold him up while he was trying to pee. Cuz that's what friends are for. I fucking love eastern Europe. Good times.
Obligatory grammar and spell check!
Heretically, though spell check in the comment box doesn't recognize that either.
2695882
images.wikia.com/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/3/3e/Mlfw1237_Twilight_Sparkle_nope_nope_nope.gif
i think Twillight is taking this whole ordeal too seriously
any backers?
The only problem with this fic is the mental imagery. EUGH! Its worth it but...EUGH!
2698466
No. I wanna see Celestia go potty.
2696968 Now now, all that was established was that she NEEDS to pee. We still haven't actually seen her pee.
Who knows, maybe she sends it to the moon before it can leave her body. And Luna just thought they were lemon flavoured ice-lollies for a thousand years.
The most awkward situation I've ever been in whilst peeing was in London. I'd just seen Justice and went out with someone I met there to get shit pissed. When we left the bars to head back to my hotel, I found I was much in need of a piss.
So I went down a small alleyway to pee.
Two things happened which will scar me until the day I die:
1. A homeless man straddled up beside me and started peeing next to me.
2. A large group of people started approaching me and my new pee-buddy from both ends of the alleyway.
Ah, horrible memories.
You'd think somepony as powerful as Celestia would be able to teleport her urine from her bladder to a toilet and flush it remotely.
2699557 While distracted by the pain in her bladder, while also under the stress of all the stuff that's happened to her in the past few days?
2699919 *grins mischievously*
2700185 ...okay, not sure what you took from that.
Do you know that feeling when your ribs break in billions of bone particles, and, subsequentially, leave your body to ascend to the heavens and join the moon in her orbit? Well, that's what I'm feeling right now. Thank you. It has been a wonderful and hilarious experience for now. I expect to see more in the near future (I don't have much patience right now).
TL;DR
I just read this entire story. This is my reaction:
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/550/009/39a.gif
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9los8CDqa1rtcfaqo1_500.gif
...
2697636 Dude. What you smoking?
*Grins* this was plenty substantial, good to have ya back too
2700566 I don't know, but I think a certain chicken will want to get in on the action soon.
Not much happening in this chapter, but we're definitely winding up for the climax. I look forward to it.
Also, there's something surreally Seussian about "Pinkie Pie had to pee, so she went behind a tree."
Headcanon updated.
2695870 I kinda want the climax to the story to be Celestia holding it in too long and having a Royal Accident in front of Twilight and Luna.
2703260
That would be the most epic thing... EVAR!!
This is turning into high comedy. You do a wonderful Celestia—a smile with more teeth than usual indeed.
The prose was largely flawless—noted a double 'poured', but that was about it.
Can you PLEASE tell me why I read this, again? So FREAKING Nonsencical! Which is why I like it!
2702715 That must be easy to see.
2699430
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/139/b/1/hunted_luna_____and_disgust_by_poinger-d65v41w.png
great story,
i'm guessing twilights tea prank will somehow affect lunas toliet prank...causing all hell to unleash
2705801
Reaction images like this don't come every day. Awesome.
As for the fic itself... I think I need to reread it from the start. I completely forgot what Luna's planned prank even is. This chapter, for the length it was, still managed to be good... though the length is admittedly a big issue to overcome.
I say, you have quite the fic going here. Consider this an extra favorite and upvote from me.