The Misadventures of Razor and Daedalus

by RazortheAwesome

Chapter 1: Welcome to Ponyville - Part 3

Twenty minutes later, both Razor and Daedalus had made their way over towards their new house, which lay at the edge of town. It wasn’t as far away from the town as Fluttershy’s house, but it was still for the most part, out of the way. From the outside, the house appeared to be rather simple, nothing out of the ordinary, though it did have a balcony. The house appeared to be, for the most part, a simple three level building with a grey and beige hardboard siding exterior that set it apart from several other buildings that stood at best 50 ft from theirs. The entrance was set back inside of a small portico with the house number in black above the door. A grey mailbox on a single wooden post was next to it, the names of the two occupants written on the sides of it. Each level of the home possessed at least four windows, and at the second level was a balcony that hung off to the side by about ten feet of the portico and had a set of double doors leading to the interior study that belonged to Daedalus. The roof slanted off to the right side of the house into a small garden with a large tree growing out of it. Daedalus explained it as such, ‘that the tree and garden would receive supplemental water during the rainy seasons from the roof runoff.’

The design of the house hardly mattered at all though as the two of them made their way towards it, Razor with a bit more of a, actually with a lot more of a spring in his step since they left Twilight. In fact, he hadn’t stopped singing since they saw her.

“I ain’t got anything to lose - nothing to lose,” he sang out, “And I’ll never forget when I saw you, she looks good…”

“Razor...” Daedalus groaned. “Please for the love of Celestia, Luna, Tartarus, and all else that exists PLEASE STOP SINGING!”

“She looks good,” Razor continued as he ignored his Pegasus friend. “And it’s true, the mare is beautiful, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!” All Daedalus could do was groan again loudly as Razor kept singing. The moment they got in front of their house though, Daedalus stopped. Razor, since he was just following him, stopped moving and instead skipped in place as he kept singing.

“Razor,” Daedalus said to him, but again he got the same results as before.

“SHE IS BEAUTIFUL SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!” Razor kept singing, completely ignoring his friend.

“She’s a lesbian,” Daedalus suddenly said, and with that, Razor shut up.

“WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!” he suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Good, now that I have your attention. Where’s the cart?” Daedalus said, not at all worried about what he had just said.

“BUT TWILI-”

“I lied, she’s not a lesbian, but where is the cart?” Daedalus replied. Razor just let out a sigh of relief, and then he suddenly inhaled again to take another breath and being to sing again. Before he could do anything more though, Daedalus punched him in the chest and very nearly screamed “RAZOR WHERE IS THE CART!”

“What cart?” was all Razor could ask as he rubbed a hoof on his chest where Daedalus hit him.

“The cart with all our stuff in it. It was supposed to be right here. Where is it?” He asked again as he shot Razor a glare that was embodied the full fury of all the foulest monstrosities kept within the deepest darkest of the Tartarusian abyss in a single look.

“How should I know, I was with you all day?” Razor replied, to which Daedalus could only let out another groan of frustration. With no better idea of where it could be, Daedalus stomped on over to the front door. He was about to take out his key when he noticed that the door was slightly ajar.

“Razor?”

“Yes?”

“Why is the front door unlocked?”

“The fuck you asking me for?”

“Razor...” Daedalus began to say as he shot an even darker version of that dark Tartarusian stare back at Razor. “I swear to Celestia that if anything is missing there isn’t going to be a single corner, on this Celestia forsaken earth, THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HIDE IN...”

“SURPRISE!” shouted what must have been thirty ponies, all of which were in their house as Daedalus opened the door.

“Well, shit,” was all Daedalus could say. Inside of the house on the first level, Daedalus and Razor saw that each square foot was filled with ponies, all of which they had never seen before, well with the exception of Dash hanging from the ceiling lamp, Rarity talking with several stallions and Fluttershy just standing off in the corner of the room. “How in Tartarus did you all get into my house!?” Daedalus yelled at all of them. It was at that moment that a beige earth pony with a red mane and a rose for a cutie mark stepped forward.

“The door was open,” she politely responded in a very feminine voice. A yellow Pegasus with teal hair and some raindrops for a cutie mark stood next to her.

"And you all decided to just walk on in?" Daedalus replied.

“Of course,” the beige mare replied as she giggled a little bit. “After all it is a party.”

“And...” Daedalus began to say before Razor put his hoof out in front of him and stepped forward.

“Pardon my friend, ladies,” he said in a polite tone that made the two of them giggle just a little bit. “But there was a cart parked outside with all of our things in it. Do you by any chance know what happened to it?”

“Oh, that,” the Pegasus said. “We took all those out and put them in the room at the back and sent the cart driver home.”

Minutes later, both Razor and Daedalus stood in the doorway to the room that would be their walk-in pantry to see that all the boxes of all their things there. Unopened and undisturbed.

“Well, fuck me Nay Bradbury,” Daedalus stated to nopony in particular.

“We didn’t touch anything or open any of the boxes,” the beige mare said to them.

“Thank you ladies,” Razor politely said to the two of them as he gave them a friendly wink. “We just wanted to know where they were.” At that, he turned his attention back to Daedalus, who again let out a loud sigh of frustration. That done, both he and Razor closed the walk in pantry doors and stepped away from it back in to the party.

"It's not that I don't mind all of this,” Daedalus said as he and Razor walked back into their living room. “It's just that I was hoping to do some unpacking tonight.” Razor could only laugh aloud at that.

“Come on Daedalus, relax,” he said as he placed a friendly hoof around Daedalus’ neck. “They went to all this trouble to throw a welcome party for us. We might as well enjoy it,” he added with a devious grin. Daedalus rolled his eyes before he and Razor walked briskly into the sea of ponies that was in their house when a familiar orange earth pony wearing a Stetson hat showed up with two mugs of cider on her back.

"Why howdy Daedalus, howdy Razor" She said over the increasingly loud music and the sound of several dozen ponies having a good time. It didn’t take long at all for either of them to remember who she was.

“Oh hey, Applejack,” Razor replied. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Likewise,” Daedalus added. Applejack just laughed to herself at that before she turned to her side and presented the two mugs of cider to Razor and Daedalus. Without questioning it, or her, at all, the two of them each took one of mugs from her. Daedalus, as soon as the mug reached his hoof, chugged the entire mug of cider, not once letting the cup fall away from his mouth. Razor wasn’t at all far behind either.

“Ya'll like it?” Applejack politely asked them in that southern accent of hers. “It's the Apple Family spec...”

SLAM!

"Another!" Daedalus shouted as he slammed his mug onto the counter. The moment he did, everypony suddenly cheered with excitement.

With that, the party was in full swing, and it didn’t take long at all for Razor and Daedalus to get their second helpings of cider either. The music blasted louder as the ponies danced round the room with wild exhilaration. Dancing was done, drinks were had, and everypony for the most part seemed to enjoy Razor and Daedalus’ company. Well, they enjoyed Razor’s company. Daedalus was more or less just tolerable. Overall, fun was had, and neither of them would say that they weren’t enjoying themselves.

About half way through the night though, things took a more or less, wild turn.

“Daedalus, Daedalus, Daedalus,” Razor kept repeating to his friend as he repeatedly poked him in his side.

“What the fuck do you want!?” Daedalus responded in a manner that said out loud 'stop poking me before I end you'.

“She’s right there,” Razor said as he pointed a hoof across the room, all the while not even looking at Daedalus. He did stop poking him though.

“Who?” Daedalus asked before he looked in the direction Razor was pointing. It was at a point in the house across the room. There, ponies of all kinds talked with each other. He saw Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and a few others, but more specifically, he saw Twilight, and all at once, he knew what Razor was getting at. As he saw her, all he could do was roll his eyes, a gesture which Razor did not see as he had already left his side and started walking towards her.

“And there he goes,” was all Daedalus could say before he turns his attention back to the ponies in front of him and the fresh mug of cider in his hoof.

With both his eyes and his mind dead set and locked on to his target, Razor walked forward through the crowd of ponies towards Twilight. The sea of ponies all around him weren’t there to him. The music wasn’t playing, there wasn’t any other noise, and there wasn’t even any extra cider... okay there might have been some of that, but otherwise, there was nothing else. There were only two things in the room, him, and the lavender unicorn on the far side of the room. It was all that needed to be there, at least for him.

Right as he passed the half way mark between him and Twilight however, he was suddenly interrupted. All at once, there appeared a pink blur that floated gracefully above the crowd of party ponies and seemed to remain there for several seconds. Then, the grace turned to assault as it suddenly descended from the air and collided with the unicorn that was making his way over to Twilight. Within moments, the pink blur was revealed to be in fact, a pink pony, more specifically a pink earth pony mare. She stood there on top of Razor, her bright blue eyes darting up and down his body before she let out a loud giggling sound before what many assumed to be confetti shot out from her frizzy pink mane.

“SURPRISE!” she practically yelled out at him in a very high pitch, singsong type of voice.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” was the only thing that could escape Razor’s mouth as the pink pony that was on top of him started talking. All Daedalus did when Razor’s scream hit his ears was turn to look, and what he saw damn near made his eyes get so wide they threatened to burst right out of his skull.

“Hi! You must be Razor!” the pink pony said to him in what must have been the most bubble gummy voice Razor had ever heard in his life. It was at that moment that Razor recognized the pony as the pink earth pony that he met earlier in the day, the one who out of nowhere jumped into the air and gasped upon seeing him. Still, he didn’t say anything, as he found himself unable to utter any coherent words, and not in the same way he found himself unable to speak when Twilight was around. The pink pony who sat on top of him in a position that was kind of compromising however, took his inability to speak as an invitation to continue talking in her very bubble gummy voice.

“I’m Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you and your friend Daedalus. Were you surprised? Were you? Were you? Were you!” Every time she said the words 'were you’, she moved her face increasingly closer to Razor’s until he was all but certain that the space between their faces was actually negative. She pressed her eyes up against his and he watched her blink almost in point-of-view. After she said it that third time though, she pulled her head back as quickly as she pushed it closer to him and kept talking. “I saw you walking through town and you were like ‘hello’ and I was like GASP, don’t you remember, huh, huh,” she didn’t even give Razor a chance to remember as she kept going like she was on a permanent sugar rush, which may have been the case.

“You see I’ve never seen you before and if I’ve never seen you before that means that you’re new, cause I know everypony and I mean EVERYPONY in Ponyville, and then you told me that you were new and then I went 'GASP' because if you’re new that means you haven’t met anyone yet and if you haven’t met anyone yet then you must not have any friends and if you don’t have any friends you must be lonely, and that’s why I went 'GASP' cause I got an idea. I should throw great big ginormous super duper, duper, super duper, duper, super amazingly wonderful spectacular welcome party...” as she said that bit to him her body refused to stop shaking and by extension since she sat on him, so did Razor’s “and invite EVERYPONY in Ponyville! See!” It was at that point that she closed the distance between their faces again into the negative space again as she continued, “And now you have lots of...”

“GET OFF OF ME!” Razor shouted as he finally found the will to speak. Elsewhere in the party, not more than what could have been a few drinking ponies and one red faced Berry Punch away, there came the sound of laughter. It was the sound of deep, suffocating chortles that almost immediately devolved into loud cackling at the sight of Razor on the floor squealing in agonized terror of having Pinkie Pie on top of him. Some of the guests turned to see Daedalus, deep within a fit of cackling laughter, as it seemed like he could collapse onto the floor at any given moment. Amazingly enough though, despite him laughing the whole time, his mug of cider never spilled. He continued laughing even as he raised himself and just stood there laughing between sips of cider as his friend continued to scream in terror.

“Ah...” Pinkie Pie said as she pulled her face back away from Razor. “Looks like somepony needs a hug!” She said as she suddenly threw her hooves out.

“NO WAI...!” Razor tried to shout, but to no avail. Within an instant, he suddenly felt himself unable to speak again as the pink party pony fell on top of him and wrapped her hooves around his neck so tightly that he could swear she was crushing his windpipe. She also buried her face and hair in his neck as she did in a way that would suggest cuddling, at least it would suggest cuddling if she wasn’t squeezing his neck so hard it could snap off. As Razor lay there suffocating on the floor, his ears and eventually eyes caught the attention of the still laughing Daedalus, whose legs had finally given out as he finally collapsed onto the floor.

Daedalus writhed on the floor in a fit of laughter, each laughing cackle taking at least one deep breath to make the sound. He laughed there as several ponies just looked down at the Pegasus, not sure of what to make of the scene. Some thought he might have gone mad, others thought that he was overacting, and some thought that he was simply drunk off his ass. He kicked his legs with each cackling laugh and made at least one attempt to stand, just the one. As he stood, he looked over to see Razor still pinned under the eagerly happy and overly zealous Pinkie Pie before letting out a loud, throaty snort. All at once, he collapsed again with a loud thud, cackling in such gleeful delight that most ponies could never imagine seeing in their lives.

"Is he... all right?" Rarity asked, pointing a hoof at Daedalus, the other holding with delicate precision a martini glass with olive and lemon slice.

"Ah think so," Applejack replied, handing off another mug of cider before staring off at the almost suffocating Daedalus.

“Daedalus...” Razor barely managed to say with his chocked out voice. “Get her off of me!”

“Can't... breathe... so... funny!” was all Daedalus could say as he continued laughing.

“Pinkie Pie!” said a lavender unicorn like voice as Twilight walked over and with a strength that almost seemed to defy her, pulled the pink party pony off of Razor. The second her hooves were clear of his neck Razor immediately gasped for air as he took in a rather large breath or air, and then another one just in case the first one wasn’t enough. With Pinkie Pie clear of Razor by at least a few feet, Twilight set her friend down back onto her four hooves. The look she gave the pink pony was one similar to the one she gave to Spike earlier in the day.

“Pinkie, I don’t think he does hugs,” she said to her pink friend.

“What, he doesn’t do hugs, but that’s silly everypony does hugs,” Pinkie Pie replied, almost as if she were completely oblivious to the fact that she had nearly suffocated Razor.

“Pinkie...” Twilight said to her as she really stressed the last part of her name as she just stared at her. Razor just stayed where he was on the ground, afraid that if he got up he would only be taken down to the ground again. Daedalus for the most part, had appeared to stop laughing as he just lay on the floor where he was attempting to catch his breath.

"Everypony does hugs, even stone faced laughy pants Daedalus over there must do hugs.”

“Pinkie...” Twilight said again, in a manner that said, 'I won’t say your name a third time'.

“Fine, be like that Ms. No Huggy pants,” she said to Twilight as she turned and bounced away, not walked, bounced. With her gone, Twilight let out a sigh and turned over to Razor, a smile adorned her face as she looked at him. All Razor could do was stare back up at her, as he still wasn’t able to formulate any words.

“I’m sorry Razor,” Twilight said as he extended a hoof, which Razor gladly took as she helped him back onto his hooves. “She’s just like that sometimes.”

“What...” Razor tried to say to her, though his voice barely rose above a whimper. “What is she?”

“Oh, that’s just my friend Pinkie Pie. She can be a little overenthusiastic sometimes,” Twilight replied. The instant the last words left her mouth however, Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared behind Razor again, jumped on him and tacked him to the ground again as she threw her hooves around his neck, thus making everything Twilight said to her, entirely pointless.

“I forgot to ask!” Pinkie Pie said to Razor, as she didn’t choke him out this time. “Are you having fun? Are you, are you, are you, are you?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” was the only sound that could come out of Razor’s mouth as Pinkie held him to the floor.

“YES!” was the sound that came from Daedalus’ mouth as he collapsed back onto the floor and started laughing himself into suffocation again.

After a few more hours, several more attempts to get Pinkie Pie off or Razor, and one to get her off Daedalus, the party began to die down a little, as it was well past one in the morning and time for everypony to go home. Razor and Daedalus stood by the door to see everyone out as they left. Overall, they enjoyed the company of the residents of Ponyville. They were a nice and jubilant bunch, so it was only right to see them out. Well, Daedalus saw them out, Razor was off to the side talking to Twilight one more time.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you around,” Twilight said to him as he walked her out.

“Yeah,” Razor replied. “I’ll see you around.” Razor replied to her, any and all moments, or lack thereof, he had going had been broken by the 'unfortunate' arrival of a certain pink pony. With all that said, Twilight trotted out the door. Razor just stood where he was and watched her go, a familiar blush returned to his face as he did. With her gone, Razor and Daedalus’ house was as empty as it had so far never been.

“Razor, if I may ask,” Daedalus said as he walked up next to his friend. “What in the name of Celestia has gotten into you?” Razor didn’t even look away from the door as he responded to him.

“She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine,” was all he said.

“So say you Razor,” Daedalus said as he took one last drink from his last mug of cider. “So say you.”

“Who’ll be yours?” asked Pinkie Pie, who had suddenly appeared out from behind the two of them.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” Razor screamed as he almost fell back into Daedalus as the pink party pony circled around the two of them and got in front of them. However, Daedalus was not about to have any of that bullshit and held him up so that he didn’t fall. “YOU'RE STILL HERE!?” Razor screamed at her as soon as he was back on his four hooves.

“Why of course silly,” was her only response as she let out her characteristic giggle that they had by this point heard many times that night. “Now who did you say will be yours?” she asked curiously.

“Well, you see Miss Pie,” Daedalus began to speak. “My roommate here has developed feelings for a certain mare in this town.”

“OOH OOOHH REALLY, REALLY!” Pinkie Pie responded, now suddenly interested. “WHO WHO!?” Out of nowhere, Razor jumped up, wrapped his right forehoof around Daedalus’ neck and covered his mouth.

“UHH, NO ONE, NO ONE!” Razor responded nervously. “It’s nothing. Forget what he said.”

“Really...” Pinkie responded as if she wasn’t buying it.

“Yes,” Razor responded back.

“Really...” She said again. Almost as soon as she did, Daedalus mumbled something under Razor’s hoof. “What did you say?” she asked him.

“NOTHING ITS NOTHING!” Razor frantically said as he held his hoof in place. He almost appeared to start sweating a bit. A bit “So why don’t you go home?”

“Remove your hoof from my mouth or I will architect a world of pain all over your candy-ass!” Daedalus mumbled at Razor from under his hoof.

“Military training my feathered friend,” Razor whispered to Daedalus in response. Fortunately, Pinkie Pie didn’t seem to hear him.

“Anti-magic field generator and access to things that not even Celestia wants to know exists,” Daedalus responded from under Razor’s hoof again, though Razor’s hoof on his mouth made most of his words a little difficult to understand.

“Oh, okay then,” Pinkie Pie said to the two of them as she seemed to completely forget about what Daedalus tried to tell her a second ago. “Bye Razor. Bye Daedalus,” she said as she turned around and hopped towards the door. Right before she passed through it though, she turned back around to face them and said, “Maybe I’ll invite you two to another party sometime.”

“LEAVE!” Razor screamed at her without even bothering to hold it back or make it sound like a request. That attempt though, appeared to be successful as she bounced right on through the door and in a gesture of politeness, closed it behind her.

“Whew,” Razor let out a sigh of relief as Pinkie left and let his hoof fall from Daedalus’ mouth back onto the floor. He let his eyes glaze over for a moment as it seemed that all of his problems...

CRACK!

“OW!” was the only sound that came from Razor as Daedalus punched him square in the right side of his face. “What in Tartarus?” Razor asked as he rubbed the side of his face that Daedalus hit with his right hoof. “What was that for?”

“What’s the big deal about letting somepony know that you have feelings for somepony else, eh?” Daedalus asked him, a hint of frustration in his voice.

“Nothing's wrong with that it’s just...” Razor began to say, but then cut himself off. “It’s just...”

“It’s just what?” At that, Razor just let out a loud sigh and let his hoof drop from his face.

“Look, Daedalus,” Razor began to say as he turned his head away from Daedalus. The look on his face was no longer what it had previously been throughout the night. If anything, he looked sad, almost depressed or to be more accurate, like he was really worried about something but afraid to say what it really was. Even Daedalus was somewhat surprised to see that reaction. “She’s not like any other mare I’ve known and,” Razor paused, and Daedalus listened with some interested. “I REALLY want this one to work out. So please,” he said as he turned back to face his friend. “Just for now can you please keep it on the down low?”

“Whatever,” Daedalus replied as he let out a sigh. He would have said more, but with Razor like that, he knew it would get him nowhere.

“And please for the love of Celestia don’t tell the pink one?” Razor asked as if doing so would bring about the apocalypse.

“Fine,” Daedalus replied, to which Razor could only let out another sigh of relief as he let his head sink towards the floor.

“Thanks,” Razor said as he picked his head back up. “I knew I could count on you.”

“Uh huh,” was all Daedalus could say in response. At that, Razor was about to say something when he let out a yawn instead.

“Well, I am absolutely bushwhacked,” he said as he made his way towards the stairs. “We should probably get some sleep. We still gotta finish moving in tomorrow, and I gotta get my business set up here.” Before he reached the stairs he turned back to face Daedalus. “I imagine you’ll need to do something like that as well.”

“I have some affairs to attend to,” Daedalus said as he walked over to the kitchen “Some letters to send, some ponies to ask about supply stores, and the like.”

“So yeah,” Razor said as he let out another yawn. “I’m gonna hit the hay. Do whatever you want.”

“Haven’t I always?” Daedalus replied with a hint of sarcasm as Razor walked up the stairs and up to his room where he could get some sleep. Overall, it was a good first day in Ponyville.

End of Chapter 1

Author's Note:

Character Profiles: Daedalus

Full Name: Daedalus Olympus the XIIIth
Race: Pegasus
Region of Origin: Canterlot
Occupation: Architect
Voice: Crispin Freeman as Alucard from Hellsing
Coat Color: Light brown/Tan
Mane Color: Black
Eye Color: Reddish brown
Special Talent: Architecture
Theme Song: Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz

Drawn by DaedaltheusXIV

Comments

[RazortheAwesome]

2220983
Check out my other series
Wake Up. See this. What do?

It updates far more frequently than this since its not a joint project and I'm not worried as much about quality.
So yeah if you don't have the patience for this one check it out.

[Lolsternater]

2221030
Ok, but first I must combat the thousands of updates storming my computer. Weeks of nothing and now this, da fuck FimFiction?

[adamdwarf]

BUT IT WILL BRING ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE!

[SwimmingDalek98]

Yep... you're a first-class psychopath... a lovestruck psychopath, but still a psychopath.