A mini prologue in The Alicorn Series. Skyla tells a bit of her story to the Changelings. Short but the real story comes after.
Chapters (3)
magicalmoonbeam1710
Joined 28th Dec, 2012 ·
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Your description confused the hell out of me.
Ok. Now I don't need to read the whole story. Do not go and write the whole story in the description.
You've gone from bad to worse with the description mate.
It makes sense now but you've went and told us the entire story!
Get us intereted in your story but don't tell us the entire plot.
As the above said, if you do that why should we read?
We already know everything.
Did someone say... Mary Sue?
2024803 Quick! Man the Sue defenses! *grabs shotgun* Back, overpowered yet underdeveloped character! Back, I say!
was there ANYTHING you liked?
please continue! but why is everypony so cold suddenly?
Well let me see
From my opinion, your story has good potential, but you don't seem to be making many points. allow me to clarify.
In most good stories, each chapter needs to completely cover at least one point. For example, in my stories the first chapter just introduces the characters and settings, nothing more. Then, you build on that. Start unveiling the plot, and let things develop carefully. Just because you can picture in your head doesn't mean the readers can, so reread your material so that it sounds like someone else could both follow and visualize it without getting lost or confused. Also what really bothered me was your spacing. You really, really need to space your sentences and paragraphs better, they were all jumbled.
If you have questions, ask. I had trouble writing my story, and was lucky enough that some nice people agreed to help me. If you want help, or proofreading, I will personally be willing to help, and will even refer you to one of my editors if you want. Do unto others sort of thing. Good luck
To everyone,
I know my story started off a little bumpy and recieved a lot of critacizm, but I would like to thank everyone who liked it. If you will all give the future parts a chance, you will see the writing get so much better. answer to question: Skyla is NOT a mary sue.
Thanks to my editor! You are the greatest thing since sapphire cupcakes!
Denying that Skyla is a Mary Sue does not change the fact that she is one. An alicorn with the strongest wings, the best magic, having power of the sun, moon, and love given to you at birth, followed by an irrationally angsty childhood... that's definitely a Mary Sue. It's not up to the author judge whether a character is a Mary Sue (unless it's intentional) because as her creator, the author is naturally biased in her favor.
You may have developed her a little, but it's not enough to overcome her Sue-ness. Her past is emo and angsty because everyone is so out of character that it seems like they've been Discorded. It's very hard to find OOCness this bad. Cadence does has some excuse, but judging by the extremity of her harshness compared to how she was before, it is a rather weak one. That alone wouldn't be enough to change her like that. The only excuse I can think of would be that they were actually robots or actors or something.