Survival Equestria

Thunder Hawk, a pegusus in the Canterlot Royal Guard is stranded in the mountains east of Canterlot after sustaining horrible injuries. This it his epic story of survival

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Mr Ignorable

Mr Ignorable #1 · Dec 15th, 2012 · 2 · 2 ·

Rule 1: Never have the story picture be that of an OC pony by him/herself
Rule 2: Never have that picture be the same one as your FIMF user pic.
Rule 3: When writing a story PACE THE GODDAM THING
Rule 4: Refer partly to rule 3. Where did he get this expertise? Who is this guy even? Why do I care about him? Expand on your character, not just his "epic" adventure.
~

Side note: There is a very slim chance of survival with a freaking spear embedded in your chest AND a broken wing. The pony would be delirious with pain and probably fading in and out of consciousness. Other sidenote: PONIES. HUNTING. HOW ABOUT NO.

tatony

tatony #2 · Dec 15th, 2012 · 1 · ·

okay bro (brodette?) it has potential. But then again, so does everything. Main problem is pacing and character development. I don't know who this pony is except that he cares for his family, fair enough. You could have given him more of a more personality in the later chapters. Him being hit by Rainbow Dash seems very shoed in and it is very out of character for her to just abandon a someone she knocked out of the sky. Grizzly, the mountain pony, is also badly characterized, it seems unlikely for a pony surviving in the woods to not be able to handle an animal attack. Also the latter part of the story doesn't make sense, apparently he manages to survive weeks near death, even though he's already been shown to barely survive the first two days. Dialogue-wise, it can use work. He seems too calm through the whole thing, exclamation marks do not convey any sort of emotion and should be used as sparingly as possible; also use some contractions, very few people (or ponies) can speak in full form and sound natural, in writing or in really life. The story leaves a lot to be desired, you'll need a full rewrite if you want it to garner a positive response.

If you managed to read my essay of a comment thanks. I'm not trying to be mean and, just so you know, I take criticism horribly, I mean drink alone and cry in a dark corner horrible. But it's still something everyone needs to hear if they want to improve.