Love is in Bloom

Arceus is struggling to admit his feelings for Celestia. The alicorn, on the other hand, is waiting for a proposal that probalably won't come. Will Arceus muster the strength to admit his love and propose to Celestia? Or will the white Alicorn die from heartbreak because he dosen't love her?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 9
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Celestias Paladin

Celestias Paladin #1 · Dec 13th, 2012 · · ·

So she marries... God? Ok not the strangest crossover I have seen, that honor belongs to that Chobits/Harry Potter one. There is some clumping of the text, and to be honest I would like to know how he came to Equestria.

Regidar

Regidar #2 · Dec 13th, 2012 · · ·

Dr. Fumbles

Dr. Fumbles #3 · Dec 13th, 2012 · · ·

Somebody likes pokemon.

Waterpear

Waterpear #4 · Dec 13th, 2012 · · ·

I'm sorry, but I didn't quite enjoy this story. It's a good idea, if a bit unorthodox, but there are two big problems.

First, the story has major formatting issues that make it hard to read. But they're not hard to fix! When you start new paragraphs, for example, you should leave an extra line between them.

Like this.

Also, when a different person speaks (or a different pony, or a different Pokemon, or anything else that speaks), start a new paragraph. Yes, even if it's just one sentence. It's not like you have to pay Fimfiction a fee for every paragraph.

Instead of this:

"Arceus..." Arceus turned his head to face Celestia, and found her eyes staring deeply into his. His blush intensefied. "Yes?" "Ever since you've been transported to Equestria, have you found any lovers?" She asked, her tone serious. "I...I...I..." His spluttering was cut off as Celestia placed one hoof to his mouth. "I know that you have feelings for me Arceus." Arceus instanly stood still, all the muscules in his body paralyzed. "How?!" Celestia smiled. "Well, You blushed whenever I stood near you, you are always jealous when Lord Solaris comes, and you are always protective of me." Arceus sighed. There was no way of hiding it now...

do this:

"Arceus..."
Arceus turned his head to face Celestia, and found her eyes staring deeply into his. His blush intensefied. "Yes?"
"Ever since you've been transported to Equestria, have you found any lovers?" She asked, her tone serious.
"I...I...I..." His spluttering was cut off as Celestia placed one hoof to his mouth.
"I know that you have feelings for me Arceus."
Arceus instanly stood still, all the muscules in his body paralyzed. "How?!"
Celestia smiled. "Well, You blushed whenever I stood near you, you are always jealous when Lord Solaris comes, and you are always protective of me."
Arceus sighed. There was no way of hiding it now...

Isn't that much easier to read?

Oh, remember to spell check; I've noticed you spelled some words wrong. You've also misused punctuation, especially around dialogue, but I won't get into that. There are plenty of guides around for that.

Second, and probably more importantly, this story is paced entirely too quickly; that is, you never bother to explain anything. Why is Arceus in Equestria? How did he come to feel for Celestia? Who is Lord Solaris? You don't explain anything, so the events of the plot just...happen, without any real sense of significance.

It's like you wrote "once upon a time, there was this guy who was in love with this girl, and she proposed to him, and they invited all their friends to the wedding, and they did wedding stuff, and they were happy, the end." That's just boring.

As it stands, this isn't even a story; it's the last chapter to the story you wanted to tell. It's a start--or maybe an end--but you aren't done. Explain those things I mentioned, and, as the oft-quoted maxim goes, "show, don't tell." Show us Arceus falling in love, or at least show us his crush.

1790780

Well, it makes sense. Celestia's a sun goddess, is she not?

Celestias Paladin