• Member Since 19th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen May 18th, 2014

Thorn231


I have a lot to write about, inculding guardians for the Mane Six. Bakugan and Pokemon. I also have a lot to share with the lot of you. I hope you enjoy my stories!

E

The End of Harmony is approaching. Luna has been repossosed, and turned into Nightmare Moon. She freed Discord from his stone prison, and Queen Chrysalis from a pony eating jungle plant. She then finds a hero turned villain, King Crystallion, the former king of the Crystal Empire that was exiled for his ruthlessness. They know that they cannot defeat the Element Barers and the princess by themselves, so they steal a book from Twilight's library explaning about the Guardians, legendary creatures that for some reason, have been banned from being written by Princess Celestia herself. They read about four Dark Guardians, that together, could overpower the Elements. The villains travel to the four locations where the Dark Guardians are located. They free the black dragon of doom, Giratina, from the Disortion World, the dark spider beast, Razenoid from Vestroia, the homeworld of all Bakugan, they free Kyurem from the Giant Chasm, and the dark specter of wrath Darkrai from Newmoon Island, on Unova, the homeworld of the Pokemon. They bond with each evil beast, Giratina with Nightmare, Razenoid with Discord, Kyurem with Chrysalis, and Darkrai with Crystallion. The Elements of Harmony fails against these beasts, and the princess is kidnapped. The Element Barers must find the Circle of Guardians, mortal enemies of the evil ones, and the twin Yin and Yang dragons, Zekrom and Reshiram. With luck, they could also save Arceus, the Lord of the Guardians. Can they save Equestria with these new allies, or are they doomed? This is a rewrite of my first story, Legend of the Guardians. People were saying that it was bad. Enjoy!

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

Okay, time to review this train wreck to be. First off, good job on your formatting and grammar. This is the biggest hangup for most new writers, and often causes far more downvotes than are truly deserved. You still need to create a new paragraph for new dialogue, but other than that it's good. Unfortunately, this is still going to get a lot of downvotes, and that's for one reason: You've crossed over three series right off the bat, judging from your description and I'm not convinced you won't stop there.. While it's good that you've attempted to fix Legend of the Guardians, this still has way too much going on. It takes a skilled writer to blend two series together, let alone the three you've got going on. Furthermore, just looking at the first few lines of this, I can detect some poor pacing, a lack of adjectives, and the speech just seems... off. All in all... Just no. Start with something simple before you work up to something with this scale. Try a few one-shots, some short stories, maybe something a little longer later on, get better at writing in general, then come back to this, look at what you've done wrong, and try to fix it. Until then, just stop right now, this will not go anywhere good anytime soon.

-asmcint

Proluge

Oh this can't be good.

Okay, let me start off by saying I really think you're trying to give this your best effort. After all, a person wouldn't try to rewrite his story if he didn't care about it. I'm glad you've got a mindset on improving, because what I'm about to say is going be a bit harsh. This story, although slightly better than your last, is still one big clusterfuck.

Let's start with your prologue. I see you've made an attempt to actually provide some backstory. That's...good. Or at least...it would be, if it wasn't so horribly confusing. You're trying to cross three worlds: Equestria, Pokemon (which I know something about), and...Bakugan, right? Sorry, not much of an expert there. But whether you're an expert or clueless, I think we can all agree that it's just too much. It's hard to combine two worlds together, much less three. And if done badly (which is in this case) it becomes too difficult to follow. Unfortunately, Idon't really see what you can do to fix it except by scrapping it. With amateur writers, it's usually best to start off in a single universe, in this case, My Little Pony.

Now onto your first chapter...
ZOOOOOOOOOOM!
Whoa! Do you know what that was? It was your plot!

Okay that was lame, but the point I'm trying to make is that everything moves way too fast. In just a tad over 1,000 words, Princess Luna was corrupted into Nightmare Moon(again), Discord was released from his stony prison, and then Shining Armor.. was stabbed through the throat. No one's going to take you seriously if you try to pull off this sort of...how do I say it? Oh yeah, shit.

And then there’s the speech. Oh dear god, the speech! First of all, make a new paragraph after every speaker. That's a formatting error that can be easily fixed. But the hard part is fixing the actual conversation, which feels robotic and awkward. The sentences are very short and to the point. This might not be a bad thing in itself, but you need to give each character a flair or personality. Make Discord's dialogue whimsical yet devious. Give Nightmare Moon that sort off “evil queen” persona, you know? Cocky, arrogant, regal. Make it more than just,

“I am this. I did this. Help me.”

“Why should I?”

“I’ll give you this.”

“Okay.”
That’s what I’m hearing anyway.

My last little note I’m going to add is this; the killing scene. I’m not against killing myself. But to some people, it’s a major turn-off. In this case, it’s too sudden and quick. It doesn’t seem like you invested much brainpower and emotion into it. It’s like, “Oh, you know what’d be cool? If I killed Shining Armor! Yeah, I’ll do that just for kicks! Hurr-durr.”

Alright. I’m good for now. That’s my two cents for ya. Try spending it on some writing lessons.

~Schlippy
TWE’s Derpy Trainwreck Trashpail Person (a.k.a. the Garbage Man)

1470574
Far more cynical than I was able to pull for this one. Hats off to you, my fellow Derpy fan!:derpytongue2:

this story would have been much better without bakugan. Dark matter(giratina) time(Dialga) and space(Palkia) and more romantic like arceus gets celestia in the end.

Kind of curious on what will happen next honestly.

Any ideas for Spike too?

Login or register to comment