A Piercing Light

by Eagle Heart

Regrets of the Past

A day had passed, and Thalos had distanced himself from everyone. He went to the underworld of Coruscant- where violence and gangs were around every turn. The Justicars being the most prominent at the time.

Thalos sat quietly in a dark alleyway, surrounded by training dummies and various objects full of heavy weights. In his time as a Jedi, Thalos has turned his usage of the Force into a muscle. The more he exercised it, the stronger it became. He used to spend so much time in the alley- it was a place where he could be alone, and a place where only those who knew where it was could find him.

He closed his eyes, and his body gave off a slight aura. One that wasn’t visible, but one that could be felt if one were to go near him. Strain was clear on his face as he groaned, he was slowly lifting the heavy crates with the Force. Slowly but steadily. This used to be easy, but with time, he’d grown weak. He needed to get stronger. In his current state, facing Desiuss would be suicide. Desiuss could level buildings simply by concentrating hard enough. Currently, Thalos could only lift a pony...

---

Elsewhere on Coruscant...

“So,” Rainbow Dash began, looking around with a little hint of uncertainty on her face. “How long have you guys been here?” She asked her friends. They traveled in a group around Coruscant- it was safer that way. And she could spend even more time with her friends.

Twilight looked to the pegasus with a smile as she responded, “Around five months.”

“Wow... no wonder I ain’t used to this place.” Rainbow sighed.

“It’s not so bad. I mean, it isn’t at all elegant, but at least it isn’t an eyesore...” Rarity said. Well, one thing was certain; she was still the same ‘ol Rarity.

Applejack smirked. “Is it just me, or does the appearance ‘a everythin’ matter to ‘ya more than what’s on the inside, sugarcube?” She asked.

“Of course it does!” The fashionista replied. “You simply cannot walk around town without a lovely dress to ignite a spark to your personality!”

“Then why in the name ‘a Celestia aren’t you wearin’ one?” Applejack questioned.

“... I... don’t exactly have the funds to buy proper equipment for tailoring at this moment.” Rarity sighed. “We’ve only been here for so long as well, Applejack.”

“Right, right.” It was true. The ponies were as sapient as any other race on Coruscant- to say they didn’t need money to survive would be like deeming yourself an idiot. Getting a job was already slightly difficult. The true problem, though, was getting a well-paying job.

“So, I wonder what this whole ‘dark side’ thing is. I mean, I know it’s bad. But they’re a force of evil, and the Jedi are a force of good. One thing that has been bugging me is how long they’ve both been around...” Twilight said. “Don’t you think about that too, Rainbow Dash?” She looked to the mare in question.

“If I had to guess, I’d say a pretty long time... but I’unno, I’ll have to ask Thalos or something.” Rainbow replied. “Sometime, at least.”

Twilight chuckled a small bit. “Yeah, sometimes.” She sighed as they continued to walk. “I wonder how Princess is...” She thought outloud.

“I hear she’s trying to become the representative for our race! Isn’t that so cool?!” Pinkie Pie asked with a giggle.

“She is? Well, that does make sense...” Twilight nodded.

After a long silence, Rainbow Dash spoke up. “Y’know, I wonder where Thalos went off to...” She said. “Maybe we could look for him or something?”

“Why? He said he needed to meditate, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to interrupt him.” Twilight reasoned.

Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I know, but it’s getting kinda boring, just walking around.” She stretched her hooves out after stopping momentarily.

“Well there’s not a lot else we can do, unless we want to stop at a diner?” Twilight looked to the girls.

“I do need to rest my hooves,” Rarity said.

“Ah could go for ah glass ‘a water mahself.” AJ nodded.

“I’m hungry, too! I forgot to eat my breakfast this morning!” Pinkie Pie agreed as she hopped along.

“Same here.” Rainbow sighed. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

Fluttershy also agreed, “I am kind of... thirsty.”

“Then it’s settled,” Twilight smiled, heading for the nearest diner. “We’ll all chip in, sound good?” She asked.

“Fair ‘n square,” AJ commented, getting a chuckle from the group as they entered the doors.

---

Back in the alley.

He stared the dummy down, lightsaber raised, he brought his left hand back and threw it forward. Burst of Force energy blasted from his hand, the dummy went flying back into the metal wall at the end of the alley. He’d begun to get some focus back... but something was wrong. Something was blocking his concentration, and he didn’t know what.

But something snapped in his head. Something that hasn’t happened in a long time. He was angry. He snapped in frustration, and lifted up one of the dummies with the Force. He clenched his hand and it condensed into a jagged ball. He yelled and threw it to the ground.

“It’s impossible! I can’t do it!” he let out as he stumbled back and leaned against the wall. “What can’t I do it... why can’t I do it... why can’t I do it!” he repeated to himself weakly. “Why can’t I end his suffering...” he muttered. This wasn’t anger at not being able to defeat Desiuss, it was anger at his failure. All of his regret fell on his shoulders, all at once. It was almost too much.

But he remembered... “No, I can’t give up now. I owe him that much... I have to do what’s right. I’ve let myself down too many times.” He sat down in the middle of his equipment and closed his eyes. He entered mediation, and waited...

---

3 hours later.

By now, the ponies had become concerned. They wandered around Coruscant, looking for the Miraluka master of the Force. “Why don’t we check down there?” Rainbow looked off an edge- down into the underworld.

“Are you... really considering going down there, Rainbow Dash?” Rarity asked, looking slightly unsure.

“Yep.”

Soon after, they managed to grab a ride down by a taxi. It was a bit of a tight squeeze to fit everypony into the one taxi, but it worked out in the end. Now, the group of six were all in the notorious underworld of Coruscant.

“Wow... this place is really-” Rainbow was cut off.

“Dreadful! Even worse than the upper city!” Rarity exclaimed as they walked through the streets.

“Oh will y’all get over it already?” Applejack rolled her eyes.

Rarity released a sigh, and everypony remained silent as they passed a group of gang members, who eyed them as they walked by. After this, feeling rather insecure, Rainbow whispered, “I’d stay closer to me if I were you guys... doesn’t look too friendly down here.”

“G-good idea...” Fluttershy whispered, practically bumping into Rainbow from how close she got.

“Not that close!” She sharply whispered. The pale yellow pegasus moved away (not too much though) as the group stuck together, continuing forward.

---

In the alleyway.

Thalos opened his eyes as he sensed something. He broke his meditation and stood up. “They’re here... what are they doing here?!” he exclaimed. Quickly, he grabbed his lightsaber and pulled his hood up. He ran out of the alleyway and silently hoped they were okay.

Back out in the streets.

The group had made its way forward quite a bit, occasionally passing a very small group of gang members who were absorbed in conversation. They didn’t see it, but one of these small groups had taken interest in them, beginning to follow. It was a group of four, stalking them in the shadows.

Fluttershy was slightly terrified, trying to think of happy thoughts. But it was hard, given the situation. Oh, if she had it in herself, she’d fly away right now... but then she’d leave her friends behind.

Even though this was so, the group pressed forward, keeping an eye out for that certain Jedi master.

Quietly, the gang members waited until the ponies were isolated. They pulled their weapons out and circled around to corner them against a wall. “Well look what we have here, you lost?” one of them said menacingly.

“No, we’re looking for someone...” Rainbow Dash replied, eyeing them all with caution.

Fluttershy squeaked- she was now curled-up in a ball on the ground, hiding behind Applejack, who was also very concerned.

“Credits. Now.” one of them ordered, keeping their blaster rifle pointed at the group.

Little did they all know, Thalos spotted them. He began to quietly approach, but stayed in the shadows so none could see him.

“L-look, we don’t want any trouble. If we just give you the credits, will you let us move on?” Twilight stepped forward with a questioning look on her face.

They all chuckled in unison, “Of course not!” one of them replied.

“We can either take your credits now, or loot them from you after we shoot you.” another said.

‘Shoot you’. Those two words made Fluttershy whimper, tears stinging her eyes.

Rainbow thought for a moment. She sure as buck wasn’t going to let this happen. She reached a hoof around to her left side, clicking a button to set the power level of the training saber to high.

They all cocked their weapons and prepared to fire, but just before they all pulled the trigger, Thalos landed in the middle and a wave of Force energy shoots out from his feet. The gang members went flying back about fifty feet, landing on their backs. Then, Thalos ignited his lightsaber and it burst to life in his hand. He twirled it around a little and got into Soresu stance. “Rainbow... get behind me” he said.

Rainbow immediately did as she was told, getting behind him, even though she was in slight awe.

Immediately the gangsters got up, and began to unload their weapons at the group. Thalos brought his lightsaber up and expertly deflected each shot to protect the group. He could do this all day, but they couldn’t.

The gangsters stopped to reload their weapons. Their rain of blaster shots came to an end, and they quickly struggled to reload.

“Rainbow, one of them is pulling out a vibroblade. Take care of him.” Thalos said, then he leapt into the air, reaching a peak height of about thirty feet. He extended his open hand as he fell down toward the group, he pulled his hand back and one of the members came flying toward him. He slammed his feet into the gangster’s back and landed on top of him, luckily his light armor was there to slightly protect him from the fall. Thalos swiped his saber and cut one of the guns in half, afterward he twirled around and kicked the other one in the throat. Then he returned his attention to the last one who was reaching to his back to pull out his vibroblade. He looked around and saw a crate, he lifted it with the Force and sent it soaring at the last member. It smashed him on the head with it.

Rainbow lunged forward with her training blade and swept the blade at the gangster’s legs. Afterward, she felt a buzzing in her head and was forced to stop, she fell back onto her haunches and just barely managed to bring her blade up to deflect the incoming strike.

Then her head stopped buzzing and she went into that state again. She sent her hoof forward and stopped another strike with the Force. She stood back up, and jabbed the blade at the gangster’s leg to disable him. Then as he fell to one knee, she uppercutted with her available hoof, to bring the guy back to his feet. She leapt up using her wings, sent her hoof forward, and the guy was pounded into the ground with the Force. It nearly crushed him.

Thalos quickly made his way back and deactivated his lightsaber, as he ran he asked them, “Are you alright?

“I’m fine...” Rainbow said with a small groan, rubbing her head as she landed back on the ground.

AJ, Rarity, Twilight and Pinkie Pie (who was unusually happy, given the situation) nodded in unison. Fluttershy, on the other hand... was weeping in terror, covering her head with her hooves. The five mares quickly noticed this, and rushed over to comfort her.

“Thank the Force.” Thalos said in relief. “What were you all doing down here? Haven’t you heard this place is extremely dangerous?” he asked and slightly scolded.

“Um... no,” Twilight said, breaking contact with the group to look back at Thalos. “I’m not so sure if any of us have heard anything... sorry, Thalos.” She apologized. “We were looking for you. We got concerned that you might’ve gotten yourself into some trouble.”

“I appreciate the concern, but next time get some information on where you’re going before you go there. The galaxy is a dangerous place. If it wasn’t the Jedi wouldn’t be needed.” he said with a sigh of slight frustration. “We need to leave. Now.” he sternly said.

“Alright...” Rainbow sighed. She was slightly shaken from what she just seen, but she got over it- there were bigger matters at hand. “Only problem’s gonna be Fluttershy.” the mare she was talking about was still mortified, sniffling and dripping tears like a leaking faucet. Really a heart-wrenching sight. She bumped Fluttershy into a sitting-up position, and said, “Twilight, could you lift her up and carry her?” It wasn’t so much a question as it was an order.

“Sure,” Twilight ignited her horn, picking up Fluttershy in a mitt of magical energy. The pegasus whimpered in objection, but didn’t physically protest. Twilight was obviously holding a LOT of enthusiasm back, you could see it in her eyes.

“That was so cool, Thalos!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, hopping up to add extra effect. “We were all *gasp* and you came in like-” She imitated the sound of a crash and a lightsaber lighting up. “Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Then you were all WHOOSH! Then he was all ‘AAAAH!’-”

Thalos cut her off, “Yes... I was there.” he said with an unamused look under his hood.

For some reason, this drew a small giggle from the group, excluding Fluttershy, who was still silently weeping. Afterwards, things stayed silent, as they were all in awe for the most part (well, aside from Fluttershy who had her eyes shut the entire time).

“Rainbow, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to Tython alone.” Thalos said to break the silence, he couldn’t hold it in anymore anyways.

“Huh? Why?” Rainbow shot him a look of shock at what he said.

“I’m... I’m not ready...” was all he said. His expression was neutral, but his tone said it all.

Twilight grew a look of concern at this, but before she could speak, Rainbow cut her off. “What do you mean, ‘you’re not ready’? Not ready for what?” She questioned.

“To go back! To confront them! I can’t, not after what I did. I’m not a Jedi. I mean, I am one at soul but not at heart. I’m too conflicted, too controlled by my emotions. The temptation of the dark side looms over me constantly. It would be just so easy...” Thalos trailed off for a moment. “That’s why you’re going alone Rainbow. It’s best if you went to learn there alone, best that I wasn’t there. I’m not fit to teach, I’ve failed every apprentice I ever had.”

Rainbow hesitated for a moment, thinking over her words. “You’re as fit to teach as I am to learn! Just because you failed every other apprentice you’ve ever had doesn’t mean you’ll fail me too!” She barked.

“It’s the possibilities!” he snapped back. “If I failed you, I wouldn’t be able to take it! At least I know you’ll be fine at the Jedi Temple, with others who are learning just like you. Every apprentice I’ve had is either dead or sith. I would sooner die than be the cause of that!” he clenched one of his fists in anger, not at Rainbow, but at himself.

“Have some faith, ‘fer Pete’s sake!” Applejack chimed in. She was right next to them, after all.

“AJ, stay outta this...” Rainbow sighed. “Look, if you want me to go to that temple place, fine, but still, I don’t want you to just give up on me because of something that happened before! I mean, that’s stupid! Yeah sure, you can be all unfaithful and hopeless because something happened many times, but y’know, that’s still not a reason to give up!” She reasoned. Her tone made her sound relatively hurt.

“I’m sorry, but I need to go... I need... to think.” he weakly said to her. Then he put his hands inside his robe and broke from the group. He needed to meditate on this, he knew he couldn’t continue to help Rainbow Dash until his personal problems were dealt with. He didn’t know where he was going, he just walked around aimlessly.

Soon, the group of mares found an elevator back to the safer surface level, thankfully not encountering any more gangsters along the way.

Rainbow let out a long sigh. “He confuses me sometimes...” She muttered to herself.

Applejack overheard this. “Maybe he’s goin’ through somethin’ powerful, sugarcube. ‘Ya can’t jus’ force him inna’ bein’ yer teacher.” She reasoned.

“I know, I know...” Rainbow groaned in response. “He’s just all mysterious and locked-up, you know?” She looked to the girls, one by one.

“Maybe he needs a cheer-up party!” Pinkie grinned widely at the suggestion.

“Errr, no, I don’t think that’d be a good idea...” Dash winced.

“Awww.” Pinkie frowned as they walked back onto the streets of upper Coruscant.

Soon, they split apart, to go back to their homes after saying their goodbyes.

Today was a taxing day for all of them, and they needed their rest. Meanwhile, Thalos found his way back to his alley. Where he sat on a blue mat, he shut his eyes and went into deep meditation. The kind that delves into the mind, he needed help... he needed a vision.

Comments

[A true pony critic]

I'm expecting a trap soon in the future. Also *generic comment on how the author is alive*

[Eagle Heart]

2705533 *Starts erasing things off a notepad* "Damn it!"

Btw i'm not dead, just working on my other stories, as well as music.

[Icudeadnow]

A jedi crossover? With ponies? Where do I sign?

[RoMS]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Through the eyes of innocence

Grammar score: 7 / 10

He hears the sound of a quick growl come from behind him, he spins around to face it, but he didn't see anything so he continued on.

Sometimes the syntax is a bit heavy to read. I propose that you put less commas and goes for periods. By the way, you sometimes mess up the present and past times.
Short sentences (less than 20w, the best is less than 15w) and “strong verbs” can reinforce the feelings of hurry, fear and stress and make the story more pleasant to read.

Ex. “He heard a quick growl coming from behind. He spun around, ready to face the threat. Yet, only emptiness stood before his feet. He decided to carry on.”

He connected it to the latch on his leather belt and went to open the chest. He cracked the chest open, but before he could see anything inside, he felt a disturbance in the force.

Sometimes, repetitions weaken your work. Use pronouns or rephrase the sentence to make it flow better.

Ex. “He connected it to the latch of his leather belt and went to open the chest. Cracking it open, on the verge of opening it, he stopped. His mind had felt a disturbance in the force.”

He'd never…
He’s…
It had been 3 years

Don’t employ abbreviations outside of the dialogues. It flows better and it respects writing standards. And write your numbers in letters ^^.

Pros

- It’s Star Wars related.
- The idea to migrate the remaining ponies to another planet is interesting.
- Your story is filled with good ideas (but there is a con).
- Between December 2012 and June 2013 you got experience and practice, I can see and read it.
- Rainbow Dash
- Twilight won't get to be a fracking mastermancer of force and magic

Cons

- If a reader is not fond of the “extended universe of Star Wars”, the story may be cryptic at some point (I don’t know what the Soresu stance is). When something is really mattering like the Soresu or the Rakghouls, maybe doing a short description of them is good.
- The cons of a story filled with ideas is that you want to go too fast and it burns your wings off your shoulders. You make ellipses on key events and pass over some in a few lines when you could have written chapters of them.
- The behavior of ponies in the first and second chapters are... odd.
- Rainbow Dash

Notes Section

The idea crossover is excellent, yet the realisation suffers from some flaws that dampen this story to really kick-off.

The differences between the chapters three and four are HUGE. It might be interesting to edit the first three chapters in order to make sure new readers will stay on your story instead of zapping it because of the flaws your story suffers of.

Conclusion, it is good but it might be even better.

₰ φ Ҩ ұ ϡ Ϫ ϡ ұ Ҩ φ ₰

Enjoy your review!
This was brought to you by the French guy RealmOfMereShadows

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[Zeta Dragon]

Excellent story, I have always wanted to cross these two universes but alas I feel like I need more time so I've just been playin a ton of Knights of the Old Republic (the good one not the crappy one)
-Like

[Lord Nopony]

Thalos...what ails you so? Hopefully he'll be able to control his emotions better!