• Member Since 14th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen April 21st

Eagle Heart


Just some guy who thinks he's cool, when clearly he's not.

T
Source

When a Miraluka Jedi finds a strange amulet while on a mission, he learns of a strange world no one has heard of. He feels compelled, after seeing the world in its barely living state, to do what he can to help. He ends up convincing them to leave their planet and migrate to Coruscant. After this migration, he meets a certain rainbow maned pony who is interested in learning the ways of the Force. He takes her under his wing so that she may learn and lead a new time for her race. In this time, both master and apprentice will face trials neither of them have faced before, and learn what it truly means... to be Jedi and one with the Force.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 37 )

I am wondering which star wars timeline is this is it old republic new republic ,clone wars , or after the fall of the emperor.

1672019 All will be revealed in due time. *insert evil laugh here.*

Hmm I'm gonna guess clone wars cause I love clones.

1672019 The Old Republic, since in the KOTOR II it was said that the Sith wiped out the Miralukas home planet, so it's probably before the first Sith War with Darth Malak and Revan.

can't wait for next chapter

I have to say that it's not written very well, and that some characters, Celestia in particular, are somewhat unbelievable in their actions. Remember, she is supposedly a several millennium old deity in control of the sun. It would probably be a better read if you switched Celestia for Twilight, and assumed Celestia to be dead/captured after Chrysalis managed to defeat her in their duel during the season 2 finale. I would advise getting an editor to help out with your myriad spelling and grammar errors, and a proofreader or two to help tweak the story. Despite my stated misgivings, I am very interested and wish to read what happens next! Keep up the good work. =)

Here Play with this. :twilightsheepish: I am not one to preach editors or proofreaders because I'm too lazy to do the same but that helps. I also read out loud. Any thing that sounds silly out loud should likely be restructured completely.

by far the most amusing crossover I've ever seen. Good job!

MORE.1673151concerning princess cadance didnt happen that would happen.so you got a full true statement in 3 words

Curses I have been beaten to most of what I was going to say, but I can still elaborate, since I do want to see where this story goes. When it came to Celestia I found her response to "you're going to learn more in a month than you have in your lifetime" to be odd, I was expecting her to remind him that she's well over a thousand, because Thalos' statement sounded naive and presumptuous on his part. The other main concern of mine is you need to pick a tense and stick with it. You slipped into present occasionally, which can work for some story formats, but not normally third-person omniscient. Still, I would like to read more of this narrative you are spinning.

good job, fine sir.
*looks at end*im waiting.
*refreshes page*WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

interesting I'm liking this story

(Joke) Alt. Title: The Ability To Write Does Not Make You Intelligent

tis expected but I still am thinking through the implications of these developments

1805990 I have the world's best cryptologists working around the clock to figure out what the hell you just said.

1806192
I had meant that I had expected would would happen but am still wondering where you are taking this story I had just said it like the glorious wonderfully intelligent (and humble) bastard I am

Ooo....:rainbowderp:
Interesting this is.:ajsmug:
Make more chapters will you?:duck:

2223690 It's going to be a while. I'm putting all my effort on a new story i'm working on. All my others are low priority. :fluttershyouch:

2223874 Oh, I understand.:eeyup:
I just loathe cliffhangers.:twilightangry2:

I'm expecting a trap soon in the future. Also *generic comment on how the author is alive*

2705533 *Starts erasing things off a notepad* "Damn it!"

Btw i'm not dead, just working on my other stories, as well as music. :ajsleepy:

A jedi crossover? With ponies? Where do I sign? :rainbowkiss:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Through the eyes of innocence

Grammar score: 7 / 10

He hears the sound of a quick growl come from behind him, he spins around to face it, but he didn't see anything so he continued on.

Sometimes the syntax is a bit heavy to read. I propose that you put less commas and goes for periods. By the way, you sometimes mess up the present and past times.
Short sentences (less than 20w, the best is less than 15w) and “strong verbs” can reinforce the feelings of hurry, fear and stress and make the story more pleasant to read.

Ex. “He heard a quick growl coming from behind. He spun around, ready to face the threat. Yet, only emptiness stood before his feet. He decided to carry on.

He connected it to the latch on his leather belt and went to open the chest. He cracked the chest open, but before he could see anything inside, he felt a disturbance in the force.

Sometimes, repetitions weaken your work. Use pronouns or rephrase the sentence to make it flow better.

Ex. “He connected it to the latch of his leather belt and went to open the chest. Cracking it open, on the verge of opening it, he stopped. His mind had felt a disturbance in the force.

He'd never…
He’s…
It had been 3 years

Don’t employ abbreviations outside of the dialogues. It flows better and it respects writing standards. And write your numbers in letters ^^.

Pros

- It’s Star Wars related.
- The idea to migrate the remaining ponies to another planet is interesting.
- Your story is filled with good ideas (but there is a con).
- Between December 2012 and June 2013 you got experience and practice, I can see and read it.
- Rainbow Dash
- Twilight won't get to be a fracking mastermancer of force and magic

Cons

- If a reader is not fond of the “extended universe of Star Wars”, the story may be cryptic at some point (I don’t know what the Soresu stance is). When something is really mattering like the Soresu or the Rakghouls, maybe doing a short description of them is good.
- The cons of a story filled with ideas is that you want to go too fast and it burns your wings off your shoulders. You make ellipses on key events and pass over some in a few lines when you could have written chapters of them.
- The behavior of ponies in the first and second chapters are... odd.
- Rainbow Dash

Notes Section

The idea crossover is excellent, yet the realisation suffers from some flaws that dampen this story to really kick-off.

The differences between the chapters three and four are HUGE. It might be interesting to edit the first three chapters in order to make sure new readers will stay on your story instead of zapping it because of the flaws your story suffers of.

Conclusion, it is good but it might be even better.

₰ φ Ҩ ұ ϡ Ϫ ϡ ұ Ҩ φ ₰

Enjoy your review!
This was brought to you by the French guy RealmOfMereShadows

Excellent story,:moustache: I have always wanted to cross these two universes but alas I feel like I need more time so I've just been playin a ton of Knights of the Old Republic :rainbowkiss: (the good one not the crappy one) :twilightsheepish:
-Like

"Welcome to Coruscant." Thalos said while smiling under his hood.

Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh!! This is EPIC!:pinkiehappy:

“Now... he’s known as Darth Desius...” Thalos said to her... almost wishing he didn’t.

How sad...:fluttershysad:

Wowzers! Awesome Jedi skills Dashie!:pinkiegasp:

Thalos...what ails you so? Hopefully he'll be able to control his emotions better!:pinkiehappy:

3686542 What a Twist it is. Hmm...

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