I am a human who reads and writes about ponies.
Every morning, princess Celestia raises the sun, and every evening, she lowers it.
This never changes.
Every night, princess Luna moves the constellations through the sky, and every month, the moon cycles through its phases.
This never changes.
Like clockwork, the movements of the heavens are constant, unwavering.
Most ponies never give it a second thought. Even Twilight Sparkle.
Until one day. . .
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Well, here it is. My first attempt at writing a pony story – or for that matter, any form of fiction whatsoever. Is it okay? Good? Bad? A blight on the world of fanfiction? Feedback (both good AND bad) is desperately desired.
Be honest: I don't see any point in continuing if my writing isn't worth reading.
Very good prologue.
There was one instence were the word choice if changed would fit better.
Onto the next chapter.
You have a wonderfully good start!
Its very obvious that you took your time and made it the best you could. And whether or not you having an editor, its as plane as day to see that you paid very close attention to detail.
If it makes you feel better, I like it so far. Though, do you plan on expanding the information about the world? I was slightly confused reading it until I realized it was a more advanced Equestria.
No opinions on the plot and world yet, it's too early in and not enough is known yet; as long as things are explained and justified well (such as why Ponyville has autoturrets at its edge, why there's a curfew, why gryphons have to carry identification at all times, etc.) it'll be good. But I really like the way you did Twilight's thoughts and personality.
1598862
Thanks!
May I ask where you found the bad word choice?
1598864 1599121
I was worried about that. There's still a lot of exposition I need to get out there, but I didn't want to pile it on too thick in the first couple of chapters. Hopefully things will be clearer after another chapter or two.
1599378 Awesome
wow, This is your first pony story??
But its so Awesome and error free!!!
keep it up!
1599583 Thank you!
Options: Here, too. Most ----- Here too, most
*of *determined, if uneven, cadence
Option: cartooney ---- cartoon-y *spooky-looking
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I'm impressed. You have done quite well for your first piece of literature. I'm currently in the embryonic stages of my first stab at the art, myself. You made very few mistakes─and complicated, high-level ones at that─for what I believe is self-editing. I had a small problem with how the futuristic Equestria setting was introduced,─meaning the "suddenly automated turrets" moment─ it wasn't that large or bad of a problem, as it was taken in stride. Thus preventing a long-winded description of everything that has happened since the Royal Wedding, but it was a bit sudden. I would ask how Equestria advanced from trains to the semi-complicated artificial intelligence and weaponry needed to develop a defensive system that is that sophisticated within one lifetime; but I'll assume artistic license on that one.
The conflict with the griffins being introduced with Cold War-style propaganda, Equestrian edition? Beautiful. It got a few laughs out of me after how much Fallout I've been going through recently.
I think I'll be following this story closely. I'll try to find something to either compliment or criticize for each chapter. When an author asks for a review, who am I to refuse?
Strike the Earth!
-Onyx
1600259
Very much appreciated. I've made the edits you suggested - thanks for taking the time to go through and point them out.
And yes, this is self-edited (aside from the changes you came up with
)
This one's more of a personal preference, just as thoughts tend to either be italicized or between apostrophes('), in my experience, use of onomatopoetic words for the actual noise they are imitating tends to be done in some form of "special" font or emphasis. I.e. Thump Thump Thump. Thought it is not by any means required by the conventions of literature, it's just something I see quite a bit and have grown to see as a local tradition.
*the
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You know it.
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I am really enjoying your writing style, it leaves little to be desired in any of the fields I normally specialize in. I also would like to point out your characterization of Twilight, it is written in a way that you could see Twilight acting as such in a canon episode. You manage to avoid overusing her key traits─Reading, studying, academics...─ while still having them in place enough to show that it is clearly Twilight. I don't remember who said this, or what the original context was, but I believe it fits my point well enough:
Strike the Earth!
-Onyx
1600746
Thanks again. The typos have been fixed!
1600533>>1600855
Glad to help. I've always loved this site for it's peer review and I relish an opportunity to help another user in any way I can.
1599378
Well I can't find it without having to read it again. That shows how good it is.
it was somthing about something or someone getting nearer, I would have used closer.
I like Twilight's monologue for some reason it's vaguely entertaining just to read the paragraphs, which doesn't happen much to be honest. Well done I'll say.
1623358 Good to hear - there's a lot more Twilight monologue coming in the next chapter or two. Brace yourself for humongous walls of textual exposition!
1623551 My body is ready.
A new chapter?! After only three weeks!!
Man, this was a struggle to write. Not sure why - probably because I had no idea what I wanted to do or say in this part of the story.
Hopefully it's okay.
Good as always.
"AB"?
1738731
"After Banishment", i.e, years after the Nightmare Moon incident.
-And before you ask, I haven't forgotten that Princess Luna was never banished in this story.
Also, doesn't Twilight have 4 telescopes?
1742593
Normally, yes. Here, no. Keep in mind this is an alternate universe - I wanted to explicitly mention the lack of telescopes, but couldn't figure out a good way to do it.
Dungeon Time?
That's a real messed up way to punish a foal.
1745255
Empress Celestia was a rather messed up teacher.
On another note, did this chapter help at all to fill out and explain the setting? I've been having a hard time managing the exposition.
Now I'm seeing where the AU tag grows true wings. A deep-seated political conspiracy, leading to countless more. A constant stream of lies, and an infinite source of power and influence to insure their dispersal. Orwellian Nightmare done well.
I like where you are going with this, the concept may be a far cry from the plush, happy world we all love, but the sharp, distinct edges you're carving onto it leave it fresh and interesting. Applause, good sir.
1746699 Yeah, you did. This really helped show us the state of that universe. I feel bad for Luna though.