“That’s the whole thing about why I don’t like heat season,” Beck Dell said, flapping her wings to accelerate the mist. “It’s like we can’t talk about anything but stallions. Get two mares in heat together, and that’s all they’re talk about. It’s like we don’t even have a personality no more.”
“Guess what I use the empty bottles for?” She put on a lascivious smile, licked her lips, and once again, winked her vulva. This time, Lero couldn’t help but let his jaw drop. His face reddened. “I turn them in for a refund,” Berry said. “Why, what were you thinking? You’re a pervert, Lero.
4013403 I never understood that... I mean why would you subject your poor pecker to freezing temperatures when you have a perfectly good pair of warm pants right there?!
I wonder how many stories about Xenophilia is out there now? I've only been watching a few of them, but finding out about a couple of funny things like this is always a treat.
So many ideas here. Cloudkicker not wanting sex. The rope trick. Lyra watching Lero pee. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. Still had fun.
4012791 There was a line of dialogue after that where Twilight says, "Or Pesci, for short.", and Lero snickers because, you know, Pesci is short. That's the joke. Then I remembered Goodfellas and got scared, so I took it out. I didn't bother changing the name, though.
I'm not sure where I first read the idea of alicorns not having a heat cycle - I don't know if it was a Xeno story or not. I figured that, since the (evolutionary) point of having children is to carry your genes to the next generation (Shakespeare sonnet 12: 'And nothing gainst Time's scythe can make defense/ save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.' What's this? Humanities in science? How scandalous! C.P. Snow can git out!), you wouldn't need to breed since you're not going to die. Your genes are already there. Of course, I figure the alicorns could have children if they wanted to. They just don't have the need.
I have an idea for a non-Xeno story, where, millions of years in the future, ponies have evolved into a powerful noosphere-type species, who inhabit multiple dimensions and can do things alicorns can't. The four alicorns, being 'stuck', do not evolve and are surpassed by their former subjects (I know evolution doesn't work that way, but this is magical evolution). The newtype ponies view their old leaders with pity, as being children who never had the chance to grow.
4014907 That means a lot, coming from you. Thank you for the compliment.
4015526 Well magic is "evolving" with ponies and spells they think of...for me spell is just a safe or kinda-safe way to force energy of magic(whathever it isn't) to do something. If ponies would to be as skilled at magical transmutation like....hmmm elves from Christopher Paolinis books(Eragon, Alagaesia, that stuff) they could even turn themself into carnivourous bipeds or something. Alicorns probably are resistant to such things but who really know what abilities alicorns have? They may change with age.
4013672 Ha, depends of the headcannon. Imagine if alicorns are at least a little like gods of Olymp. She can screw with basically anything and make bobo from it.
Raising high the post-hole digger, Lero brought it down hard on the supple earth. It dug down into the ground, and, with a mighty pull, Lero forced it to give up its secret soil.
I didn't know narrators had an estrus season.
With a gasp of anger, Angel leapt at Lero with the intention of sinking his buck teeth into any bit of flesh he could get a grip on.
Lero unknowingly impugned Angel's honor as a fricasseeing rabbit.
Dr. Fluttershy is a fantastic idea. And I got to learn what a baculum is!
“Wait,” Briny said, intense concentration on her face. A minute later and she birthed the rope, but this time, it was tied in knots.
Cherry Stem Test: Expert Mode.
Lyra's paean to Lero's urination was a thing of ridiculous, hilarious beauty. Really, that's how I'd describe this whole short story. It demonstrates just how ridiculous sex is. Without the sensory feedback, any creature intelligent enough to have a sense of humor wouldn't be able to reproduce; they'd crack up every time they started. Thank you for a silly look at sensuality.
4013636 The beauty of alternate universes. Somewhere in possibility space there's a Lyra who finds hands repulsive, a Colgate with terrible dental hygiene, and a Derpy who has no strong feelings about muffins one way or the other.
With a grunt and a mighty thrust, Lero penetrated the soft, supple soil of Fluttershy's dirt. He pulled back out, and with some consternation, realized he'd have to go back in. "I'm sorry my hole is so dirty," Fluttershy said. "Is there enough room to stick your pole in?"
Anyway, this would build up until everyone realized Lero was just fixing a fence. I left it out because these sort of narrator jokes can be distracting and intrusive, and that's not the kind of story I'm writing here. Also, I was afraid it would add a subconscious sexual subtext to the Lero/Fluttershy bath scene, which I didn't want.
4014681 Well, that's Lero for you. He's a freak. He has sex with tiny dayglo horses, and likes it.
He unzipped his pants, revealing his manhood. Lyra idly thought his penis was a great thermometer for how cold it was. With a grace that Lyra never thought she'd see, he began peeing in the snow, in long sweeping arcs. A tiny gasp escaped, turning into vapor in the winter cold, when Lyra realized what he was doing.
"Y-you're writing my name!" she said. Tears came to her eyes when he finished. "That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me." She took to her rear hooves and hugged him, kissing his cold lips, idly thinking that his penis was a great thermometer for how warm her body felt to him.
A distance away, Dash tugged at Twilight's scarf. "Let's get out of here," she said. "This is a little too weird for me."
"Oh, come on Dash," Twilight said with a smile. "It's a little eccentric, sure, but it's so sweet."
Lyra broke the kiss and said, "Let's roll around in the urine-drenched snow and make love to each other."
"...yeah, let's get out of here," Twilight said, but Dash was way ahead of her.
Dash mentioned that Lero was able to get her off ten times, after some of the pegasi were arguing that more than two wasn’t possible.
Previously I'd thought that maybe they were talking about how many times she was going to go with him after she got off work that day, or maybe how many times she'd accidentally winked while at work that day. Thanks for giving me the prompt I needed to get it.
" “Sex is gross,” Cloudkicker said, not taking her attention away from her work. She shuddered in disgust. "
Off in another universe another Cloud Kicker woke from her nightmare and screamed. "Nooo! There can't be another me out there who doesn't like banging! AHHHHHH!"
Okay, something has me utterly baffled here- Bon-Bon commentary that climax made heat worse. That makes no sense. The explanation was that climax in time with the cooler spraying inside them was what relieved it! That climax with pseudo-ejaculation was the entire point of the whole cooler enterprise!
Goat Licker, I hope someday you come back to make me laugh as hard and repeatedly as this chapter did, again. Honestly this is one of my favorite chapters on FiMFiction!
Going against the grain with Cloudkicker? I admire that.
Ponyville Estrus Season Cooling Initiative.
Not something I would imagine Joe Pesci would like to be known for. Then again...
"You talkin' ta me?"
I nearly died of lack of oxygen
She'd be a convulsing ball of pleasured flesh.
+Infinity points for Prudekicker.
Bechdel Test. Well-played.
I wonder if Lero ever showed Lyra that wonderful trick that human males can perform with snow.
...for the first time ever.
Hmm, so Twilight can't bear foals anymore or is she now immune to her former biological urges?
LOL!
4013403 I never understood that... I mean why would you subject your poor pecker to freezing temperatures when you have a perfectly good pair of warm pants right there?!
Alicorn Twilight doesn't go into heat anymore? Was that established elsewhere?
4013688
When you gotta go, you gotta go. And if you gotta go outside in freezing temperatures, well, might as well have some fun with that.
Oh, dear. I like the sound of this!
I wonder how many stories about Xenophilia is out there now? I've only been watching a few of them, but finding out about a couple of funny things like this is always a treat.
4014319
There's a group for them listed on the right, it's probably worth checking that.
4014347
Okay but I'll probably won't since I have so many other stories to read first.
So many ideas here. Cloudkicker not wanting sex. The rope trick. Lyra watching Lero pee. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. Still had fun.
4013704
not to my knowledge.
4013704
No. Just author headcanon.
4014853 Author headcanon that I like for some reason. Ah, but then I'm quite fond of everything mr goat licker has done so far. Such a sharp wit.
4012791
There was a line of dialogue after that where Twilight says, "Or Pesci, for short.", and Lero snickers because, you know, Pesci is short. That's the joke. Then I remembered Goodfellas and got scared, so I took it out. I didn't bother changing the name, though.
4013672
4013704
I'm not sure where I first read the idea of alicorns not having a heat cycle - I don't know if it was a Xeno story or not. I figured that, since the (evolutionary) point of having children is to carry your genes to the next generation (Shakespeare sonnet 12: 'And nothing gainst Time's scythe can make defense/ save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.' What's this? Humanities in science? How scandalous! C.P. Snow can git out!), you wouldn't need to breed since you're not going to die. Your genes are already there. Of course, I figure the alicorns could have children if they wanted to. They just don't have the need.
I have an idea for a non-Xeno story, where, millions of years in the future, ponies have evolved into a powerful noosphere-type species, who inhabit multiple dimensions and can do things alicorns can't. The four alicorns, being 'stuck', do not evolve and are surpassed by their former subjects (I know evolution doesn't work that way, but this is magical evolution). The newtype ponies view their old leaders with pity, as being children who never had the chance to grow.
4014907
That means a lot, coming from you. Thank you for the compliment.
4015526 Well magic is "evolving" with ponies and spells they think of...for me spell is just a safe or kinda-safe way to force energy of magic(whathever it isn't) to do something. If ponies would to be as skilled at magical transmutation like....hmmm elves from Christopher Paolinis books(Eragon, Alagaesia, that stuff) they could even turn themself into carnivourous bipeds or something. Alicorns probably are resistant to such things but who really know what abilities alicorns have? They may change with age.
4013672 Ha, depends of the headcannon. Imagine if alicorns are at least a little like gods of Olymp. She can screw with basically anything and make bobo from it.
I didn't know narrators had an estrus season.
Lero unknowingly impugned Angel's honor as a fricasseeing rabbit.
Dr. Fluttershy is a fantastic idea. And I got to learn what a baculum is!
Cherry Stem Test: Expert Mode.
Lyra's paean to Lero's urination was a thing of ridiculous, hilarious beauty. Really, that's how I'd describe this whole short story. It demonstrates just how ridiculous sex is. Without the sensory feedback, any creature intelligent enough to have a sense of humor wouldn't be able to reproduce; they'd crack up every time they started. Thank you for a silly look at sensuality.
4013636
The beauty of alternate universes. Somewhere in possibility space there's a Lyra who finds hands repulsive, a Colgate with terrible dental hygiene, and a Derpy who has no strong feelings about muffins one way or the other.
4015894
The original draft was worse.
Anyway, this would build up until everyone realized Lero was just fixing a fence. I left it out because these sort of narrator jokes can be distracting and intrusive, and that's not the kind of story I'm writing here. Also, I was afraid it would add a subconscious sexual subtext to the Lero/Fluttershy bath scene, which I didn't want.
4014681
Well, that's Lero for you. He's a freak. He has sex with tiny dayglo horses, and likes it.
4013403
> “Ten times,” she said.
I'm not sure what's being counted here.
> a hay bale cutie mark
I'm sure there's a reference here that I'm missing.
4015894
> Lyra's paean to Lero's urination
Heh heh, paean.
got some good laughs out of me.
Pretty meta with the Bechdel test stuff
Dinotopia reference! Nice!
4017061
ten orgasms, duh
4036106
The connection I was missing was:
Previously I'd thought that maybe they were talking about how many times she was going to go with him after she got off work that day, or maybe how many times she'd accidentally winked while at work that day. Thanks for giving me the prompt I needed to get it.
Pffhah. You added that second part just in time
Wonder how our little yellow pegasus deals with it, living all alone. (No! Bad dirty mind! Leave Angel out of that! )
(...the mental image of Angel struggling to control a cooler is a rather hilarious one, though )
Sounds like a 'pesky' affair to me
Come now, doorknobs for hoofed animals are a ludicrous idea anyway. They should use door handles, or some kind of door-opening pedals.
"He isn't a stallion. He's a... what did they call it? A 'man'."
10 times looks like lero got some practice in.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140202173659/lego/images/1/11/Citizen_kane_clapping.gif
" “Sex is gross,” Cloudkicker said, not taking her attention away from her work. She shuddered in disgust. "
Off in another universe another Cloud Kicker woke from her nightmare and screamed. "Nooo! There can't be another me out there who doesn't like banging! AHHHHHH!"
Winningverse.
4217897 First thing I thought of too.
Okay, something has me utterly baffled here- Bon-Bon commentary that climax made heat worse. That makes no sense. The explanation was that climax in time with the cooler spraying inside them was what relieved it! That climax with pseudo-ejaculation was the entire point of the whole cooler enterprise!
There's a semi famous quote about urination that ends this way, but I can't remember who said it. My ex had it on the wall of her dorm room.
That party trick...
What a bizarre alternate universe this is.
I'm suddenly wondering if Angel's related to Bun Bun of Sluggy Freelance.
Suddenly I'm picturing Lyra with a Goa'uld instead of Lero.
And then there's all-red sonic rainbooms and ponies in the hospital.
"That sounds extra kinky." "Berry, I'm going to take away your alcohol."
"Well I was, but it looks like somepony beat me to it. And here I was looking forward to taking a stall at a five-finger discount."
I shall refrain from comment on how small a number ten is, anyway.
I second this.
Sounds like Twi's about to rewrite some stories.
Fluttershy has a doctorate?
Goat Licker, I hope someday you come back to make me laugh as hard and repeatedly as this chapter did, again. Honestly this is one of my favorite chapters on FiMFiction!