• Published 14th Oct 2012
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Deadpool Vs. Equestria - Live Light

The Merc With A Mouth finds himself in Equestria. This'll take some getting used to.

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Issue #25: Be kind... if you don't mind: Part 1

Deadpool vs Equestria

Issue #25

Previously on Deadpool vs. Equestria...


Deadpool opened his eyes. Well, there was a ceiling. It was made of wood. He was on a couch. It was comfy. He was hoping it would be leather. He wondered why it wasn't leather. He should know why it isn't leather. It's not leather, idiot. He looked around. He noticed there were six animals sitting on him, watching him with suspicion and distrust and other stuff. The animals were Angel Bunny, Miss Rabbit, Fuzzy Ferret, Hyper Hamster, Cutie Mouse and Tim, who is, incidentally, a cat.

"Hi." Deadpool waved. "I recognize the mouse, the grouchy rabbit, and the hamster. Everyone else... not so much."

'...He called me grouchy.' Angel said to Miss Rabbit.

'You're not grouchy... maybe a teensy bit, but you're easily... enraged, is all.' Miss Rabbit replied.

'Hi!' Hyper greeted.

Deadpool looked confused. "Is this one of these funny animated Disney scenes where there's animals talking and the humans don't even notice their mouths move? Because I can see your mouths move, but I can't hear you."


'What'd he say?' Angel asked no-one in particular.

'Probably trying to say, 'They're trying to communicate with me.' That's what it sounds like.' Tim suggested.

"Write on paper." Deadpool suggested.

'...I don't even want to talk to him,' Miss Rabbit said, 'Does anybody here?'

'...No.' Angel answered bluntly.

'No.' Tim said.

'Only a little.' Hyper admitted.

'...Oh, I don't know...' Cutie Mouse said.

'It sang of Donkeys... we should get rid of it!' Fuzzy suggested.

'...Shut up, Fuzzy.' Angel ordered.

Hoofsteps came from upstairs. Which reminded Deadpool, he's a midget horse again. {Fahk.}

"Good morning!" Fluttershy called cheerfully.

[I wonder why she's suddenly so nice to us.]

{Element of Kindness.}

[Didn't she hate us last issue?]

{The only way we would have to be worried is if she had a shed.}

"Hi." Deadpool greeted back.

"I don't know what you like eating, so I've left some bits for you to order some for yourself..." Fluttershy told him, "I mean... if that's okay with you..."

{Well, that was as nice as she could be, it would seem.}

"Okay." Deadpool replied.

"What do you eat anyway? I think I should know what you eat so I know what to get you in the near future."

"Tacos and chimichangas." Deadpool replied.

"I...I don't know what those are..."

"Well, one of the things one will need to make them is meat, an-"

"WHAT!?" Fluttershy screamed, looking at him in horror. Deadpool looked at the animals, and noticed even they were staring at him in horror.

'I... wh.... He...' Angel stammered.

'...Well... I... nev- oh, forget it...' Miss Rabbit said.

'IT'S GONNA EAT US!' Fuzzy Ferret said, before running off. The other animals didn't follow him, instead just sitting there staring at him.

"...What?" Deadpool asked, confused.

"...U-um... w-well... w-we don't r-really eat meat... i-in fact, w-w-we're all v-vegetarians..." Fluttershy shakily explained.

"Wow. Is that why these couches aren't made of leather?" Deadpool asked.

"Of course not!" Fluttershy yelped.

"...You're all missing out."

"We're really not..."


{This is what I imagine happened.}

An Earth Pony walks over to a meat-covered chicken leg. He takes a small bite out of it, and chews the meat for a little bit. He simply frowns slightly, before quickly swallowing the meat he had bitten.

"Ew." He said, before walking onward to wherever he's going.


"If you say so..." Deadpool shrugged.

"Now, we're going to start the morning off with you learning a lesson about kindness," Fluttershy said, "I enlisted the help of Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Ditzy Doo, each of which giving us their own methods, as approved by myself, and after their suggestions on making you kinder, you'll partake in mine, and we'll hope you learned something by the end of it."

"Alrighty then. What's the first one?" Deadpool asked.

"We're going to be starting off with Ditzy's suggestion first," Fluttershy answered, before walking over to a table, picked up a saddlebag with her mouth, and bringing it to Deadpool. "In this saddlebag, there's mail for everypony who is waiting for mail. You might come across some of my friends along the way. Now, what you must do in order to win, is to give these mail envelopes to whoever it's for, without saying anything strange, insulting, or provocative. You must be nice, helpful, and charming."


"Now, here's where it gets exciting..." Fluttershy began...

{That usually means boring, doesn't it?}

"You are allowed to modify any of the mail however you like, and make it as insulting, unintelligible, or destroyed as you want."

{Wow, that is pretty exciting.}

"Sweet!" Deadpool exclaimed approvingly.

"Not finished," Fluttershy said simply, "I'm hoping you're smart enough to realize that doing so is derogative to your learning, will make this all for nothing, and mean you will face some form of punishment, which seems rather obvious, yes?" She asked, rather... sweetly.

"...Well..." Deadpool thought, "...Uh... why would you say I could do this if I get punished for it?"

"Because you seem like the sort of person who just loves to hurt the feelings of others as long as it's funny and thrilling. And I'd like to find out whether you do it for money, or indeed because it's funny." Again, Fluttershy said this as if she was a mother poking fun at her meddlesome child.

[Both sound like us.]

{Shut up.}

"...I'll just go and... deliver the mail, okay?" Deadpool said, getting out of bed. Then falling off, as he is once more not used to walking about as a pony. Fluttershy wanted to help him up, but decided against it. Deadpool took the saddlebag, and ran out the door.

Fluttershy sighed, and looked to the animals. "U-um... I did the 'tough love' routine Rainbow suggested... d-did I do it r-right?"

The five animals just shrugged (Well, Cutie and Tim shrugged their shoulders), and went off to find Fuzzy. Fluttershy's lip quivered and she tried not to cry. "I hope I didn't hurt his feelings..."

To be continued in the next issue!

Now go re-assure Fluttershy that she didn't hurt his feelings.


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