• Published 14th Oct 2012
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Deadpool Vs. Equestria - Live Light



The Merc With A Mouth finds himself in Equestria. This'll take some getting used to.

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Issue #36: A mostly uneventful chapter.

Deadpool Vs. Equestria

Issue #36

Previously on Deadpool Vs. Equestria...

Once you watch one of these, you'll never stop.

Seriously, at this moment, I'm watching a clip from this show I think I've already seen, and not working.

Help...
________________________________________________________

Deadpool walked outside of the building. Now, he had an RPG, twin katanas, a sub-machine gun, that shiny pink pistol (Not a second one) and some clothing to go over his suit. He was now wearing a red tattered trench coat, black leather pants, and ordinary shoes over his costume.

{Why did we need these clothes?}

[He's obviously concerned about our image in these weird places, and when we come back to Equestr-]

{IF we come back.}

[When/if we come back, he wants us to impress the folks.]

{That's stupid.}

...Yeah... stupid.

{You seem rather apprehensive of your opinion.}

Yeah? ...Well... you don't.

{That's because I'm confident in my opinion in that it is stupid. You seem to be agreeing reluctantly. Are you hiding something?}

...Don't you know who you're messing with!?

[*Popcorn.jpg*]

{Shut up.}

Deadpool walked, heading for the exit to the city.

Ow.

{What?}

My throat is sore from yelling...

{Why?}

Pretending I was a super-villain on vacation.

{Ah, cool.}

[So what was the point of all that clothing?]

Why do you care?

[Why wouldn't I care about the impending finale of the Third Se-]

Second Season. Of The Walking Dead games. Yes?

[No, I was talking ab-]

{Look, an Eleventh dislike!}

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!]

Deadpool walked out of the city. He took a look back at the destroyed city. He sighed. Then bolted off into wherever he's going. Meanwhile, thunder filled the sky, and rain fell as he ran. He stopped a moment, as he saw a portal open. A guitar fell out of it. Deadpool walked over to it, and picked it up. He looked at the rains falling onto his head, and he suddenly had an idea of what to do to pass the time while walking. So, he walked forward once more, and played...

{Well, this doesn't pass the time much.}

"You're supposed to sing." Deadpool complained to himself.

{No, I don't have a good singing voice.}

[How do you know?]

{I... I don't... I just... uh... assume so.}

[Hmmmmm...........mm.]

{...?}

[I'm watching you...]

{In my sleep?}

[...fuckyou.]

{Okay, that wasn't a denial. I'm worried now.}

Deadpool finished playing the song. He looked around to see if anyone was watching. He then proceeded to attack the ground with the guitar until it broke. It took a total of five minutes, due to a logic error in which he assumed the guitar was from Earth, and only realized at that moment he could have gone back home through the portal that released the guitar.

What he didn't know was that the guitar didn't actually come from Earth, but actually from a little planet called Glhermia. It's a world unlike anything you'll ever see, and as hard as you'd try, you can't seem to describe, like a most improbable dream. But you must believe when I tell you this, it's inhabited by large creatures called Glhermians. What happened was, the guitar that they threw through the portal didn't actually belong to them, but to a cousin planet named Atlesinia. It used to belong to Atlesinians, but then human nerds from Planet Knovo created a portal, and used paradoxes to kill all Atlesinians, which they didn't mean to do, and to this day, anything that looks like a human is a scumbad in that galaxy.

So yeah. The Glhermians recognized the guitar as being made by humans (Only enhanced with Atlesinia's natural materials, hense why it took five minutes to break) and, treating it as 'scumbag stuff,' threw it at the nearest portal.

[A monologue/backstory. What have you gotten yourself into?]

{What are you trying to do exactly?}

Making pointless fanfics.

{I can see that, even though I asked why, the question that it has become is, why?}

Because I've lost control of my life.

{That's about the most accurate thing I've heard all day.}

Okay.

Deadpool looked at the destroyed guitar, noticed he didn't feel any accomplishment whatsoever, and walked forward.

Before tripping.

"AUGH!" He yelled for dramatic effect.

He stood up. He began walking again. Every once in a while, he would trip. He never really saw any rocks. This continued for about 10 trips. Literally. Finally, he decided to look at his feet.

"The...

Goddamn...

SHOELACES!?"

Indeed... his shoelaces were untied. This was because he was given shoes. They had laces. And on the tip of the shoelace is the 'aglet.'

{WHO CARES!?}

Not behind. Apparently, according to Auto correcting stuff, Aglet is either not a word, or simply the misspelling of Eaglet or Agleam.

[What do you mean by 'Not behind?']

Huh?

[Before stating Aglet wasn't a word according to Auto correcting, you said 'Not behind.']

I did... ...You're right... I meant to type something like 'Not technology's logic' or something...

...Um.

Obligatory combat scene!

A trio of blue flashes. Those creepy 'Didn'ts.'

"What did Light say would happen if they stabbed me?" Deadpool asked his voices.

[I think he said 'Your brain will explode and you'll feel a little peckish.']

{No, he said he'd die.}

[I would've gone with my one.]

{One, you would, because that was your idea, and two, you already did.}

I'd go with it.

[Thank you.]

Deadpool cracked his neck. He pulled out his sub-machine gun and the pink gun, and aimed them at the group of Didn'ts.

"Time for theme music."

{Time for theme music?}

"I just said that..."

{Time for theme music.}

Huh?

{Time. For theme. Muse. Ic.}

...You want me to put on Muse?

{No, Theme music!}

What joke is this again?

{What made you think it was a joke?}

You did.

{Oh. Well... theme music, please, before we die.}

Happy?

"Happy."

[Sad.]

Deadpool opened fire with the Sub-Machine gun, shooting the group. They fell down, but after a few seconds, they got back up. Deadpool couldn't see any blood from the bullet wounds. All he saw were holes.

{...?}

Deadpool looked blankly at the Didn'ts, who were walking closer to him. The way they walked was the sort you would expect from a reclusive hunching old man walking over to eat his favourite brand of apples, which he'd most certainly have bought from a store, because he didn't feel like getting them from apple trees. At a loss on what to do, Deadpool asked,

"Guys? Can we talk about this?"

The Didn'ts didn't respond.

"Please?"

No response.

"I know a place with lots of temporal energy you can absorb from!" He yelled desperately.

The Didn'ts slowed down a little, as if to signify they were listening, but they were still walking towards him.

"Uh... do you guys take Dimension Numbers?" He asked.

They didn't respond, they just kept walking. Slower.

"I'll assume you do... uh... Do you know how to go to... Earth... uh..." He thought for a moment... "2149?" He finally asked.

The Didn'ts stopped. One looked to the other. He appeared to be moving his hand as if he was speaking. Deadpool couldn't really hear them say anything.

The other one seemed to argue with him. The silent argument continued. Deadpool was starting to forget that one stab from their needles would be the end of him. The group did nothing for a while. Then, the arguing Didn't looked at the third one, and pointed in a direction. The third Didn't ran in that direction for some reason. The remaining two waved at Deadpool, before disappearing in a blue flash.

Deadpool stood in thought for a moment.

I think Ice Cream would be a nice thing to get when we get back home.

{IF we get back home.}

And when we get back home, we're going to stop children from getting on the rollercoasters so we can go on th-

"Ow!" Deadpool said, upon receiving a sting in his spine.

{My head hurts.}

[...We don't have heads...]

{Shit.}

Deadpool faceplanted. He rested his chin on the ground, as he caught sight of that Didn't that ran off before, as it teleported away. He attempted to get up. He was able to get up being able to kneel, but as he attempted to stand, he just fell forwards. He began crawling, but his vision began to darken, and his strength decreased tremendously.

At this point, I wish I could say that some woman called Mariella would find him collapsed to the ground, and then run off to find help, but then this would remind me that The Stanley Parable, a mod for Half-Life 2, is one of the scariest things I have seen, and it's not even trying to scare anybody. In fact, it's a mostly satirical view on what would happen if the main character went against the narrative's rules. The only thing is, most of the endings you can get for disobeying in some way truly creeps me out.

And they're funny.

But alas, by making this reference, I have already reminded myself. So that means this entire thing is pointless. But, as Deadpool lay on the ground, losing his will to live, he rolled over onto his back, and looked at the sky. ...It was incredibly boring, so he just rolled over again with the last of his strength, and closed his eyes.






Then he was kicked in the face.

"...Ow." He said. With the fractions of the last of his strength, he looked up to who had kicked him, and saw a figure in a black cloak and hood. You can already tell who the person I'm talking about is, so I'm not even going to bother that they had a skull and a feminine figure.

Oops. I did it again. Ladies and Gentlecolts, and men, please welcome Death from Marvel.

"...Hi, Death," Deadpool greeted. "Didn't expect you to be here."

"Me neither. I was told about this place filled with all these colourful horses. I've seen strange things, stranger than you, but that takes the cake. So, what're you doing here, in the sort of place I could get used to?"

"I fell through a portal after Weasel tried to make me look at that world via the wonders of the internet, and ended up in that world, then I made friends with one of them named Pinkie, and the others distrust me, by the way, one is Stephenie Meyer, one looks like Outlaw, one is an obvious name, one is an annoying aristocrat, and one is adorable, anyway, then their Princess held an audience with me, then the adorable one named Fluttershy, helped me get out after I fought a "psycho, then I met some weird zombie ghost thing which turned out to be someone with as much free-will as us, except for something I'll tell you about later, we also happened to meet Weasel, meh, then me and Pinkie went back to New York, and we had a few adventures and the yellow caption box's perviness got me chainsawed, but then there was a party, which made the Hulk attack, then Pinkie got kidnapped by S.H.I.E.L.D because I ran into Spidey some time before, and then I rescued her and met this creepy dude, then we got back, but Fluttershy was mad and scary, and she made me do nice things, and I met a conspiracy theorist who knows all about us humans, and after those nice things, the last nice thing was a hug, and it made me think, maybe Weasel doesn't wanna go home, then he did want to go home, I think, then that ghost thing came back and made me a ghost thing, except we weren't ghosts, we were just not in a dimension anymore, and that creepy guy was there too, then I was thrown here, then the creepy guy told me some important things after I kicked the asses of a clown posse, and then some time later, I'm here, dying, and with a really nice get-up." Deadpool said with as few words as possible, seeing as how he was dying.

{I thought you were dying.}

Hence... as few words as possible..

"You really need to get out less." Death stated.

"You can't change me..."

"Bit late for that. You said the cute one made you friendly?" Death asked.

"...I said adorable, not cute."

"Same thing," She said, accomplishing what not a lot of people do nowadays. Saying 'Same thing' when something really is the same thing. "If you're different because of her, surely you can change your ways when you get back home?"

...

...

...

"Nah." They both said in unison.

"So... am I gonna die?" Deadpool said, wondering if he and Death are actually gonna manage to hit it off.

"Nah."

FFFfffffff-

"You're probably just gonna get better later. Remember Thanos?"

"Didn't have to remind me..." Deadpool groaned.

*ffffffsssssssssshhhhhhhhhh*

A lavender portal opened up.

"I think that's your friends. Wanna go through it?" Death asked.

"...Might need a bit of help." Deadpool replied.

Death, if she had eyes, would be rolling them. She grabbed the back of Deadpool's trench coat, pulled him up, and directed him to the portal.

"See you soon," She said. "Please stop mocking the cultists of yours truly."

"But it's fun." He defended.

"Not fun for me when my followers get angry. I'm only just understanding how these social networks happen thanks to them." And so, she pushed Deadpool through the portal.

And then he fell onto wood. Wood! FREAKING WOOD. And then he looked around the place. MORE WOOD! IT'S GREAT. But undoubtedly, he's going to be a pony now. He looked at his fingered hoof. It was, in fact, a hand. He wondered what was going on. Then he looked at everyone around him. Ponies. Ponies everywhere. There was Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. And he was thinking of their actual names. They looked surprised, and relieved. Well, Twilight just looked downright exhausted.

Lyra was there, too. She was, at the moment, processing what was happening, and slowly backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, 'cause her daddy taught her good, for she was surprised to see Deadpool's human form. In fact, as soon as she left, Deadpool looked at the Element bearers, and saw that, besides Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, they were surprised, probably at his human form. Maybe this was why Fluttershy, now that he thought of it, was a LITTLE surprised, seeing how she only saw his human form for a while... and we haven't seen much of her human form. Meh.

There was also Wisefree. It seemed like he was relieved he was back, but he wasn't exactly looking up. Probably feeling down because of what happened. Deadpool looked to the group and said, "Hi."

The group were beginning to go into some sort of happy frenzy about him returning, but then the door burst open. And some colts in blue clothing and a hat rushed in.

"We heard reports that portals were being opened a- What is that thing!?" They noticed Deadpool.

"Umm... I am a... student of magical friendship, for friendship is magic, and magic is friendship, and most of the time!" Deadpool declared, with everypony nodding along.

"That's right, he's not a threat, for sure!" Rainbow Dash said. "You should ask Applejack, after all, she's the Element of Honesty, and she'll tell you he's the... safest... thing in Equestria! Right, Applejack?"

"...Shure." She said, with as much enthusiasm as she could manage.

"...What will we tell Princess Celestia?" The apparent chief asked.

"I'll send a letter to her, and we'll clear the thi-" Twilight began, before being interrupted by Deadpool whining.

"Hey! We established I'm safe!" Deadpool whined at an officer, who had cuffed him, "You didn't have to do that!"

"I'm just trying to make sure you won't do anything out of hoof." He said.

"I can break these cuffs!" Deadpool claimed.

"You can't break those cuffs."

Deadpool tested the officer's theory, by trying to move his arms away from each other. They didn't get far, so the officer's theory was proven correct.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Nice get-up, though." The officer complimented.

"Thanks." Deadpool accepted the offer graciously.
_________________________________________________________________________

To be continued in the next issue!

{What'll happen next?}

I... don't know.

{...Huh.}

[In the meantime, can he break those cuffs?]

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoy.

Probably a few chapters left.

Unless I make some action scene up in the next chapter.

I probably won't.

I'm not saying it won't happen. I'm just saying it probably won't.

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